Text message from B to Primo......
B: Hey loverboy
Are you feeling free today?
Thanks to you I haven't really slept or ate a full meal in 4 months. Last night I ran at 3am to let out all this pent up angst. I hate not being able to touch you. Especially now that I see you. FUBAR!
B: Baby cakes, please let me in on what your feeling. I need to know.
B: I can get that out to you tonight if u want.
B: What's good, after midnight? Just name the place.
Primo: At my house.
u cant come non. Now?
u cant come non. Now?
B: No, it will have to be later.
I have to put the kids to bed.
The head curran doesn't want me to go. So I have to sneek out on the scooter.
I have to put the kids to bed.
The head curran doesn't want me to go. So I have to sneek out on the scooter.
B: hello?
desculpe mano. Donde esta eres tu?
Wake up u lazy ass. The kids are asleep.
B: Do you still need that? Whats up?
(I was talking about bringing him cigarettes.)
B: Boo u need to get a phone mi amore.
B: Ok. well I'm still going out for a ride. I 'll just bring your pack with me, in case you are home . Otherwise your axed out.
B: I bet you fell asleep.
B: Do you still need that? Whats up?
(I was talking about bringing him cigarettes.)
B: Boo u need to get a phone mi amore.
B: Ok. well I'm still going out for a ride. I 'll just bring your pack with me, in case you are home . Otherwise your axed out.
B: I bet you fell asleep.
mula!
B: Ok it has been 5 hours since you text me last. I know your ass aint sleeping cuz u were just at my door like 1 hour ago. I am out and about and I really need to talk to you anywAy so call me.
B: I'm sorry for loving you.
I wish I could've been the one woman in your life but guess I am not good enough.
I know you don't trust me for the way we started our journey was all off.
I think we deserve eachother.
I know I need you and I believe you need me too.
B: Your brother says that you could never love me because you don't have a heart, that you can't even love yourself.
Do you think what he says is true?
Deep in my heart I know he is wrong.
You just have a hard time believing in yourself.
B: Lately I have been feeling that way myself. I have been so depressed and in limbo for years now.
I KNOW you have too.
Why do you think that is?
B: Perhaps we can start out with a clean slate.
I don't think I can be your sister or friend anymore.
That is probably what you want anyway.
B: I know all this sounds so crazy. Believe me I have tried to analyze over and over and all I can come up with is that love makes people do and say the crazziest things sometimes because you want to be in control of the situation so bad, but it is really up to the other person when the ball is in the others court.
B: I am dying inside because you are not writing me back. Please I need some answers from you.
(I waited around the corner to hear from him and stepped out to stare at the moon.)
B: oh I am sure I sound like a little miss know it all now to you. When I really don't know shit.
I am sitting outside looking at the moon and wondering if you're even home.
I could knock on the door, but I won't.
I think I have had my heart stomped on enough for one day.
I hate being the fool.
I figuered it was worth a shot.
B: I know you are probably forwarding every thing to Saul right now.
That is the reason why I broke it off with him the other night because I did not want him or anyone else to come between us again.
Do you believe this to be the noble thing?
B: He really was kind about it. Like it was time that we go our seperate ways.
I did love Saul, just not the way I love you.
I really do wish it weren't true, but the heart knows what it wants.
Now I know the mind can't win over the heart.
I just hope it is not too late for us.
I cannot lie to myself anymore.
(I fell asleep by the pool area on a lawn chair that night. A bunch of teenagers woke me up skinny dipping at the break of dawn.)
I needed to see my babycakes so I knocked on his door. He answered the door a crack and said,
"My father is sleeping, go away."
I retorded,
"C'mon Primo I am not going anywhere till you let me in."
Then I sat at his front door and dozed off.
Papa found me lying out front and asked me,
"B what are you doing? Come in and lie down. Get off the ground."
I would admit that I was tired so I layed in my Papa's bed to catch some rest. When I woke up Primo was gone. He texted me.
06/04/2015
Primo: yo
hey
yoooooooo
hello i know u hear me
B: NO! I am mad at you.
I want to go to the beach but I have no money for gas. I am about to break down cuz I am on E.
Primo: wtf.
B: Do you want to go to the beach?
(Then I sent some text messages pretending to be another guy that got a hold of my phone to try and see if he would get jelous. I know he did. Doesn't that gotta say something about how he feels for me?)
B: I know you are there.
Jelous much.
Those were my intentions.
I can b very popular when I want to b.
I was known as the preetiest girl in highschool.
B: I know you probably better then you know yourself.
C'mon please talk to me.
I want to help. Let me in.'
I wish you would confide in me.
B: I need you.
Feeling a little lost here.
I am lying here in bed with Jr's hand on my back.
He is so cute.
He knows I'm sad.
Fell asleep like that and doesn't want to let go.
(This was one of the last times I had my baby next to me.
Funny how children suspect your inevitable seperation from them before your even able to anticipate it yourself. If I had known I would have never left his side.)
B: Do you wanna go see Ashleigh b4 she goes to MA on June 7?
B: Well I guess I am about to go to the beach by myself. I have a lot of smoking to do.
(I still had his smokes).
Primo met up with me outside and we took a ride to Clearwater beach.
The view was beautiful it was close to sunset. I asked him,
"Do you wanna ride down to Sand Key Beach?" He agreed.
As we drove over the bridges towards the beach I wrapped my arms around him and put my hand on his thigh.
I could see my Jägermeister strap flapping in the wind hitting my calf.
It was sexy, he was sexy, but the wind was kind of chilly.
I tucked my cold nose in between his shoulder blades to stop the wind from smacking me in the face.
He smelled so good. I felt his beautiful curly locks brush against my forehead and I hugged him really close from behind.
I wonder if he could feel how hot I was with him sitting in between my legs. I desired to just wrap my legs completely around him.
Instead I placed my chin on his shoulder so I could see his expression in the mirror.
I kissed the back of his neck slightly.
Then he pulled over and caused some drama and said
"Cut that shit out or we are not going."
I said,
"I'm sorry I can't help that my eyecandy taste so good."
I begged him to go and told him that I really needed to talk to him.
I think he just wanted to hear me beg.
When we got to the beach we just barely caught the sunset.
I told him to
"come on"
and ran ahead of him onto the beach.
I sat next to him and watched it finally settle and explained to him why my behavior has been a little off.
I started out with,
"You know Primo, love makes you do the damndest things. I woke up and realized what I have been neglecting and running from, is you. The way I feel about you scares the hell out of me and I am in love with you my darling. I always have loved you and I suppose I always will. Please tell me you feel the same way? I can't be with anyone else if it is not you."
Primo said,
"I just don't feel that way about you."
B's heart dropped,
"So your telling me that you can show your face and say your in love with all your babies mama's, but you can't learn to love me, and give us a chance? That's just not fair!"
I ran up to the shore and let the waves crash over my feet.
I looked into the sea and yelled up to the star's.
"You lied to me universe."
Then I climbed on top of the life gaurd station and cried.
Primo said,
"B you married my brother. Your my sister and law."
I told him,
"I married the wrong brother.
I told you how I felt about you long before I married him hoping you would have stepped up for once and stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
I have only needed to be with you, not him.
I have realized that I can't live my life this way anymore when I was having sex with Saul and imagining it was you.
It felt so wrong.
I want to be having sex with my babycakes and only you. Why can't I be the one?
I know we are connected in someway.
I know you're the one for me, your my soulmate."
I layed on the lifegaurd chair sobbing.
Primo said, "C'mon B let's go." I just threw the keys at him and said "Go! I don't care anymore just leave me here."
Then all of a sudden I felt like running as fast as I could through the surf till I couldn't run no more and dropped to my knee's in the water. I ran my finger's through the sand and water. It felt like quicksand between my fingers. I continued to cry. Maybe Primo is right. I am acting like a dork right now, so let me get out of here this is ridiculous.
The breeze was cold against my skin. I changed in the moonlight out of my bathing suit and into some dry clothes. It felt as if Primo was watching me, but I was not able to see anything.
By the lifegaurd station I looked for the key.
I threw at Primo and couldn't find it.
I saw a flashlight coming towards me and it was a park ranger letting me know that the park was closed.
I told the ranger ok.
As I approached the parking lot I saw my scooter, but no Primo. I told the ranger wait that my friend had the key I yelled out, "Primo"
finally he appeared from out of no where.
I drove us out of there just in time before the ranger locked us in. He seemed a bit nervous about my driving and acted like he was afraid to touch me. I was reading his body language. So I pulled over and let him drive.
Had I known then, what I know now, I wouldn't have let him go. I would have really kissed him like it was my last kiss on Earth, when I saw him turn his back on me and watched him walk up those steps, I wish I would have known it to be the second to last time I would ever see my loverboy and babycakes.
Like he said to me,
"Now I am ghost."
I was losing the loves in my life for being honest with myself and others for the very first time.
This is not how it is supposed to work.....what am I doing wrong?
Were we supposed to continue living a lie for the rest of our lives?
At least I would have been able to see my kid's grow. Now I will never know. I'd much rather live an abusive lie then feel as if I am dying day by day.
I just loved your fine ass so much.
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - William Shakespeare
B: Ok it has been 5 hours since you text me last. I know your ass aint sleeping cuz u were just at my door like 1 hour ago. I am out and about and I really need to talk to you anywAy so call me.
B: I'm sorry for loving you.
I wish I could've been the one woman in your life but guess I am not good enough.
I know you don't trust me for the way we started our journey was all off.
I think we deserve eachother.
I know I need you and I believe you need me too.
B: Your brother says that you could never love me because you don't have a heart, that you can't even love yourself.
Do you think what he says is true?
Deep in my heart I know he is wrong.
You just have a hard time believing in yourself.
B: Lately I have been feeling that way myself. I have been so depressed and in limbo for years now.
I KNOW you have too.
Why do you think that is?
B: Perhaps we can start out with a clean slate.
I don't think I can be your sister or friend anymore.
That is probably what you want anyway.
B: I know all this sounds so crazy. Believe me I have tried to analyze over and over and all I can come up with is that love makes people do and say the crazziest things sometimes because you want to be in control of the situation so bad, but it is really up to the other person when the ball is in the others court.
B: I am dying inside because you are not writing me back. Please I need some answers from you.
(I waited around the corner to hear from him and stepped out to stare at the moon.)
B: oh I am sure I sound like a little miss know it all now to you. When I really don't know shit.
I am sitting outside looking at the moon and wondering if you're even home.
I could knock on the door, but I won't.
I think I have had my heart stomped on enough for one day.
I hate being the fool.
I figuered it was worth a shot.
B: I know you are probably forwarding every thing to Saul right now.
That is the reason why I broke it off with him the other night because I did not want him or anyone else to come between us again.
Do you believe this to be the noble thing?
B: He really was kind about it. Like it was time that we go our seperate ways.
I did love Saul, just not the way I love you.
I really do wish it weren't true, but the heart knows what it wants.
Now I know the mind can't win over the heart.
I just hope it is not too late for us.
I cannot lie to myself anymore.
(I fell asleep by the pool area on a lawn chair that night. A bunch of teenagers woke me up skinny dipping at the break of dawn.)
I needed to see my babycakes so I knocked on his door. He answered the door a crack and said,
"My father is sleeping, go away."
I retorded,
"C'mon Primo I am not going anywhere till you let me in."
Then I sat at his front door and dozed off.
Papa found me lying out front and asked me,
"B what are you doing? Come in and lie down. Get off the ground."
I would admit that I was tired so I layed in my Papa's bed to catch some rest. When I woke up Primo was gone. He texted me.
06/04/2015
Primo: yo
hey
yoooooooo
hello i know u hear me
B: NO! I am mad at you.
I want to go to the beach but I have no money for gas. I am about to break down cuz I am on E.
Primo: wtf.
B: Do you want to go to the beach?
(Then I sent some text messages pretending to be another guy that got a hold of my phone to try and see if he would get jelous. I know he did. Doesn't that gotta say something about how he feels for me?)
B: I know you are there.
Jelous much.
Those were my intentions.
I can b very popular when I want to b.
I was known as the preetiest girl in highschool.
B: I know you probably better then you know yourself.
C'mon please talk to me.
I want to help. Let me in.'
I wish you would confide in me.
B: I need you.
Feeling a little lost here.
I am lying here in bed with Jr's hand on my back.
He is so cute.
He knows I'm sad.
Fell asleep like that and doesn't want to let go.
(This was one of the last times I had my baby next to me.
Funny how children suspect your inevitable seperation from them before your even able to anticipate it yourself. If I had known I would have never left his side.)
B: Do you wanna go see Ashleigh b4 she goes to MA on June 7?
B: Well I guess I am about to go to the beach by myself. I have a lot of smoking to do.
(I still had his smokes).
Primo met up with me outside and we took a ride to Clearwater beach.
The view was beautiful it was close to sunset. I asked him,
"Do you wanna ride down to Sand Key Beach?" He agreed.
As we drove over the bridges towards the beach I wrapped my arms around him and put my hand on his thigh.
I could see my Jägermeister strap flapping in the wind hitting my calf.
It was sexy, he was sexy, but the wind was kind of chilly.
I tucked my cold nose in between his shoulder blades to stop the wind from smacking me in the face.
He smelled so good. I felt his beautiful curly locks brush against my forehead and I hugged him really close from behind.
I wonder if he could feel how hot I was with him sitting in between my legs. I desired to just wrap my legs completely around him.
Instead I placed my chin on his shoulder so I could see his expression in the mirror.
I kissed the back of his neck slightly.
Then he pulled over and caused some drama and said
"Cut that shit out or we are not going."
I said,
"I'm sorry I can't help that my eyecandy taste so good."
I begged him to go and told him that I really needed to talk to him.
I think he just wanted to hear me beg.
When we got to the beach we just barely caught the sunset.
I told him to
"come on"
and ran ahead of him onto the beach.
I sat next to him and watched it finally settle and explained to him why my behavior has been a little off.
I started out with,
"You know Primo, love makes you do the damndest things. I woke up and realized what I have been neglecting and running from, is you. The way I feel about you scares the hell out of me and I am in love with you my darling. I always have loved you and I suppose I always will. Please tell me you feel the same way? I can't be with anyone else if it is not you."
Primo said,
"I just don't feel that way about you."
B's heart dropped,
"So your telling me that you can show your face and say your in love with all your babies mama's, but you can't learn to love me, and give us a chance? That's just not fair!"
I ran up to the shore and let the waves crash over my feet.
I looked into the sea and yelled up to the star's.
"You lied to me universe."
Then I climbed on top of the life gaurd station and cried.
Primo said,
"B you married my brother. Your my sister and law."
I told him,
"I married the wrong brother.
I told you how I felt about you long before I married him hoping you would have stepped up for once and stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
I have only needed to be with you, not him.
I have realized that I can't live my life this way anymore when I was having sex with Saul and imagining it was you.
It felt so wrong.
I want to be having sex with my babycakes and only you. Why can't I be the one?
I know we are connected in someway.
I know you're the one for me, your my soulmate."
I layed on the lifegaurd chair sobbing.
Primo said, "C'mon B let's go." I just threw the keys at him and said "Go! I don't care anymore just leave me here."
Then all of a sudden I felt like running as fast as I could through the surf till I couldn't run no more and dropped to my knee's in the water. I ran my finger's through the sand and water. It felt like quicksand between my fingers. I continued to cry. Maybe Primo is right. I am acting like a dork right now, so let me get out of here this is ridiculous.
The breeze was cold against my skin. I changed in the moonlight out of my bathing suit and into some dry clothes. It felt as if Primo was watching me, but I was not able to see anything.
By the lifegaurd station I looked for the key.
I threw at Primo and couldn't find it.
I saw a flashlight coming towards me and it was a park ranger letting me know that the park was closed.
I told the ranger ok.
As I approached the parking lot I saw my scooter, but no Primo. I told the ranger wait that my friend had the key I yelled out, "Primo"
finally he appeared from out of no where.
I drove us out of there just in time before the ranger locked us in. He seemed a bit nervous about my driving and acted like he was afraid to touch me. I was reading his body language. So I pulled over and let him drive.
Had I known then, what I know now, I wouldn't have let him go. I would have really kissed him like it was my last kiss on Earth, when I saw him turn his back on me and watched him walk up those steps, I wish I would have known it to be the second to last time I would ever see my loverboy and babycakes.
Like he said to me,
"Now I am ghost."
I was losing the loves in my life for being honest with myself and others for the very first time.
This is not how it is supposed to work.....what am I doing wrong?
Were we supposed to continue living a lie for the rest of our lives?
At least I would have been able to see my kid's grow. Now I will never know. I'd much rather live an abusive lie then feel as if I am dying day by day.
I just loved your fine ass so much.
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - William Shakespeare
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