March 26, 2016
To instill hope in rebuilding the family infrastructure..........
This was B'onnie's 1st post ever written in the Parental Civil Rights Movement Blog.
Parentalrightsmovement@blogspot.com
To instill hope in rebuilding the family infrastructure for the American people.
"Let us think about each other and help each other to show love and do good deeds."
Hebrews 10:24
Should we implement the law for families after, before, or during a seperation?
In order to cope with coexistence through living in seperate quarters, but having the rights to being in public arenas for the children's sake; on holidays, extra curriculum activities, and school events, unless of course a restraining order is put in place?
I need everyone elses input on this.
Then Moses said to the people,
"Remember this day in which you came out of Egypt, out of the house of slavery, for by a strong hand the LORD brought you out from this place. No leavened bread shall be eaten."
Exodus- 13:3
EXODUS- Bob Marley
movement of the people
Showing posts with label torture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label torture. Show all posts
Friday, November 3, 2017
Friday, September 8, 2017
CHAPTER 61: REVELATIONS
Donate your hair to children who need it.
http://www.locksoflove.org
Blessed is the one who reads the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take heart what is written in it, because the time is near.
-REVELATION 1:3
Then one of the elders asked me. "These in white robes--who are they, and where did they come from?" I answered, "Sir, you know." And he said, "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the lamb. Therefore, they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepard; they will lead you to spring's of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
- REVELATIONS- 7:13
August 21, 2017
Great American solar eclipse will be the final wakeup call to stir this spiritual enlightenment. A reminder that you must repent. Many will not survive these trying time's. Prepare yourselves.
The fourth Angel sounded his trumpet, and a third of the sun was struck, a third of the moon, and a third of the star's, so that a third of them turned dark. A third of the day was without light, and also a third of the night.
As I watched, I heard an eagle that was flying in midair call out in a loud voice: "woe! woe to the inhabitants of the earth, because of the trumpet blasts about to be sounded by the other three angels!" - -REVELATIONS- 8:12
Cataclysmic judgement will be in effect for the next 33 day's. After will become the Great American Firestorm.
God's purpose of fearful sights and great signs from heaven is to bring many people- who would not have done otherwise- to call upon the name of the Lord.
For the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. -Romans 10:12
GOD has designed special configurations among the stars to function as signs. They are signs that herald prophetic events among the Earth. This heralding will serve notice before the eyes of the world that the time of event's foretold by the Lord has arrived. All this means that the great sign of heaven has full authority to function as a public event legally documenting the final great warning of God.
The Lord is the great prophet. As a prophet he is accountable to warn all who are under his ministry. The great wonder in heaven is his imminent and astounding warning to all the time of judgement is here.....
The judgement is written in the book......
The judgement is written in the stars....
The prophets have warned you....
This judgement is just.
This means the Lord cannot be charged with any wrong against man or angel for the judgement he is bringing upon this world.
-Ezekiel-
You are served notice. The Lords end time events are about to overtake you. The great sign in heaven is the colossal herald proclaiming that the prophetic troubles of the last days have arrived. Most of us refuse to believe Gods work by faith, while we believe his working through a sign. So God is going to give us a sign. A great sign. This great sign will herald sudden and great judgement.
But why?
The rebel lawmakers of the golden empire have foolishly attacked Christian purity. The attack on purity is because the lawmakers will not have holiness to rule over them.
But to reject God's holiness is to reject God himself. In the end, the rebels own reasoning force's them to declare war on God. As soon as the rebels feel bold enough, open war breaks out. In defiance, they reach out and seize their own court officers that are still walking in holiness.
At this point the spirit of Sodom overtakes the land, the Lord acts swiftly. The judgement of Sodom will be poured out on the spirit of Sodom.
The Lord begins moving into place his storehouse, for the day of battle.
Like little David, all he needs is some rocks, the day of battle arrives. It is a day of fearful sights and great sign from heaven.
The Lord takes aim and the golden Goliath suddenly falls.
The empire will die in one hour, unrepentant in its wickedness.
-REVELATIONS-18:10
The unrepentant empire - and the church in the unrepentant empire- have together refused to confess the empires fatal sin.
What is this fatal sin that brings such sudden judgement?
Our fatal sin is the replacement of holiness with human rights as our guiding moral principle in life and government. This is a direct opposition to the Lords decree:
You shall be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy.
-Leviticus- 19:2
They manifest insanity of pornographic rights, abortion rights, and homosexual rights. This is why evil has become good and good has become evil in our land.
The unrepentant adherence to the doctrine of human rights that is producing the trampling of the holiness of God in our courts is the garuntee of the firestorm of the golden empire. Your only hope will be to turn to the Lord Jesus Christ. For Jesus himself said:
As earnestly as I can say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of heaven. 💘 I am not sure where it is written but there is a nice passage that touched me deeply on -John 2-
In the same conversation with Nicodemus, Jesus also said;
For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son. That whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.
Call on him with all your heart. Please do not risk one day's wait.
Everyone pray out loud with me, even if you are already born-again.
Decide now a say this prayer;
Jesus! I cry out to you. I admit I am a sinner- fallen and under your judgement. In confusion I have replaced your holiness with mans counterfeit. I want to be born- again and see rightly. Rescue me from your firestorm. ...and send your holy spirit to dwell in me.
Amen
Now try your spiritual eyes. Find a bible and read the Gospel of John.
It is the fourth book in the new testament.
Noon over Jerusalem
Darkness falls over the Earth and the sign of great wonder appears within hours the firestorm of the golden empire begins.
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of Justice.
These are the consequences for allowing the constructs of the devil to worm his way into our families and divide us from our kin. The lord is the only one that has a right to judge our existence. He is taking back his power soon. He is right and just in doing so for humankind is losing their way. The devil has corrupted the mind's and hearts of parent's to not rise up and take action. So the Lord is determined to take action to do it for us. This is divine intervention. He will give us the nudge we need now. It is our god given right as parents to raise these millennia's to be a better humanity. A more loving humanity. A more advanced and knowledgeable species. Which cannot happen until we tear apart our old constructs that the devil arranged and reroot and build a stronger foundation that cannot be corrupted.
I am not a doomsday conspirator. This message is divinely guided from our maker preparing you for the inevitable transformation of a New Earth. A new beginning into the bronze Era. We must not fear this, but embrace this change with an open mind and heart, with love and light. For ALL of us are evolving whether we like it or not, we know it is coming and overdue. There is no escaping this fate. Just prepare your soul for this experience. Ask our maker for forgiveness and salvation. Make sure your children are purified as well. For they will be held accountable too. Do not dismiss a single soul. Repent and bring as many soul's with you. God will reward you. Christ will save you from all harm, so do not fear the trumpets blast for many will be protected from the wrath if they have faith in their heart's, and are putting in their life mission to save themselves, ground their body in Gaia, and connect to as many soul's along the way.
What will happen 3rd of July 2020 going into September 17, 2020? Get ready for the REVELATION 12 sign.
Google-Nibiru Planet X
Friday, August 25, 2017
Protest featuring B onnie song OPPOSITES
March 20, 2016
(REVOLUTION lyrics by B onnie)
Everything is opposite in this world
What you think to be real is actually ubsurd
If you had a feeling things were not gonna budge
You might think someone pulled you right from under the rug
You better not feel for they will say that your mentally ill.
Black is white
Love is hate
Hate is right and
Love is wrong
So now I'm gone
The greedy and the guilty make you feel absurd.
Greed and betrayal is the chosen life
Everything you choose to bring to light will be proven unjust
The guilty and the innocent
The laughing and the smirking of the hateful ones
They orchestrate the system to their own needs to discredit me to DISCREDIT ME!
They gloat on your pain and suffering
They smile when they beat you to your knees.
Everything is opposite in this world discredited to failure
Everything is opposite in this world
We plead for the innocent ones;
but their not heard.
Everything is opposite in this world.
Please plead for the innocent ones so they CAN be heard!
In this world, its opposite
Tradition and values
Have gone to shit
Single dad's, and loving mom's, grandparents, and foster aunts.
Big brother's and sisters sometimes have to watch out for their siblings when their mama's being abused.
You tell the truth
They will think your lying.
You defend yourself
Or start out crying
They'll think that you are crazy
They'll see you unravel
They'll say your unfit
No! Don't press the gavel.
Everything is opposite
Black or white
There is no gray area to justify
Who will care about the justice for the girls and boys?
Little boys and girls who are lost in our system
Little girls and boys who are lost in our system
Who are lost in our system. ..
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Chapter 48- Tampa Bay Crash Course of Injustice... (1)
09/01/2009- Present Day
Keep reading for more current detail's of recent events for this is where the story becomes very twisted and unsettling.
You see human beings do not seem to operate the way they used to 20 years ago, a lot has changed. The laws have changed. We have changed as people in abiding in them, and the power's that be have lost their honor in upholding those laws, so many have taken it upon themselves now to rise above the law to protect themselves. While some, may use the law to bully innocents unlawfully knowing they can't afford to defend themselves, and even if they could many lawyer's would just take their barely earned money blowing over the whole case and not defending shit.
Justice has become an absurd joke, that's what I think about the law now. Sorry, but in my experience I have not seen it do anybody any justice thus far. Unfortunately, because I was wrongfully prosecuted myself and defenseless. I had to sit through many court proceedings. I think only two seemed fair and just, but in all honesty I feel it is the devil's advocates trap.
Thou shall not judge, only GOD. No one can tell ME otherwise. That's my take on it, you can think what you want.
I am a United States citizen, and a registered voter, born and raised in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, which is my national origin. I was residing in Pinellas County FL. for 8 years, and I am well aware that my civil rights have been violated since I have resided in Pinellas County due to my national origin, born up north, and my disability.
First, I have not been able to keep a job in Florida due to my disability, and the fact this is an at will state. No job I have had, and I have been terminated from 8 job's now, have been willing to make any accommodations for my learning disability or chronic health conditions.
The State of Florida has denied me disability and health insurance, basically forcing me to leave my kid's and the State to get my health care need's met. This has isolated me from the only two people that I once believed loved me still and caused me much emotional distress. My nuerologist claims due to this seperation and alienation brought on an increase of stress and seizure disorder that landed me in the Tampa General Hospital and $9,000 in Medical bill's.
I asked my nuerologist, "Is it a possibility that the seizures could be caused by excessive punches to the skull (Domestic Violence)?" My doctor claims, that yes this most certainly can be what caused the concussion, seizure episodes, syncope, memory loss, imbalance, and ringing in the ears. My other question was, "So say if someone just discovered all this about themselves after a seizure episode due to false accusations. Could she use in her defense that she was struggling with battered women syndrome and being treated for a seizure disorder as a result of domestic abuse?"
Bea told the doctor, "Listen Doc, I'm far from crazy. If I was able to attain an AA in Early Childhood Education and a BA in Social Science and Education and raise a baby in less than 8 year's with a gpa of 3.4. I think I have a high functional brain up there. It just got kind of screwed up after I married Saul. Things started to fall apart again, like it did at the beginning of our relationship. We hit another rough patch."
I should have known better. The pattern of alcohol and abuse doesn't end with the Sanchez's. Actually one thing for sure is it get's worse. I was becoming scared of where it was bound to escalate to next. Let me tell you. The worst was yet to come.
Even after I attained my two College degree's Saul loved to throw it in my face,
"See B, all that for what? You still can't get a good paying job."
It must have made him feel so high and mighty to make my accomplishments seem so weak and small. I hate to admit it but he was right. I couldn't attain a good paying job in my field due to my chronic health condition's.
I had another Grand Mal Seizure in the middle of the Steak N Shake Parking lot.
I fell down like a sack of potatoes off the side of my car. Hit the back of my head, fractured my right ankle, and bit my lip. My mom saw me convulsing for a few minute's and when I came to I had slight amnesia. Scary shit!
Another time I woke up and I could not move at all. I thought I was going to stay paralyzed forever and I started panicking, these Epileptic episodes alone have really messed with my head. It has taken some getting used to my new life without any support.
I really need a friend to take care of me, but there has not been any volunteers to come forward on my behalf. No one will even step up so I can visit with my kid's. Which allows me to believe that I have no one who loves me in the end.
I fear that I am going to end up one of those people sitting in a hospital bed who no one comes to visit, till I will wither away. That's MY reality now. I am vulnerable and scared out of my wits that someday I will all together forget who I am, and that I even have a family.
Maybe that would be good for me? Wipe out all the pain I endure on a daily basis over the loss of my loved one's abandoning me. I would much rather forget who I am then deal with the reality of what has become of me.
GOD please take away the pain. I wish to be numb.
I went before a judge in January 2015. He denied me disability knowing I had suffered a traumatic crisis. Since then I have suffered other head injuries and epileptic episodes.
I was advised by a Nueroligist in 2015 not to drive, even though it has been past six month's since my last episode I still stay off the road for now.
I really do think it is disgraceful that I do not get honored disability for if I did I would not be struggling so damn hard to survive in the situation I find myself in now. Maybe if I had, I would get ahead and feel like I belong instead of feeling like this world was not meant for a loving heart like mine.
Society has been chipping away at my heart bit by bit trying to turn me into freezing cold ice, but my tears continue to melt the ice away. The judge abstains from showing any emotion but if I spend one minute longer trying to suppress the longing, fear, agony, and pain I have been bottling up for the past 12 years I know I am liable to snap my humanity switch off and not give a fuck about anything anymore.
This blog is my outlet right now. I am praying that the truth will set us free. Free from the bond's we enslave ourselves in. The bond's of love, life, death, and humanity.
Keep reading for more current detail's of recent events for this is where the story becomes very twisted and unsettling.
You see human beings do not seem to operate the way they used to 20 years ago, a lot has changed. The laws have changed. We have changed as people in abiding in them, and the power's that be have lost their honor in upholding those laws, so many have taken it upon themselves now to rise above the law to protect themselves. While some, may use the law to bully innocents unlawfully knowing they can't afford to defend themselves, and even if they could many lawyer's would just take their barely earned money blowing over the whole case and not defending shit.
Justice has become an absurd joke, that's what I think about the law now. Sorry, but in my experience I have not seen it do anybody any justice thus far. Unfortunately, because I was wrongfully prosecuted myself and defenseless. I had to sit through many court proceedings. I think only two seemed fair and just, but in all honesty I feel it is the devil's advocates trap.
Thou shall not judge, only GOD. No one can tell ME otherwise. That's my take on it, you can think what you want.
I am a United States citizen, and a registered voter, born and raised in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, which is my national origin. I was residing in Pinellas County FL. for 8 years, and I am well aware that my civil rights have been violated since I have resided in Pinellas County due to my national origin, born up north, and my disability.
First, I have not been able to keep a job in Florida due to my disability, and the fact this is an at will state. No job I have had, and I have been terminated from 8 job's now, have been willing to make any accommodations for my learning disability or chronic health conditions.
The State of Florida has denied me disability and health insurance, basically forcing me to leave my kid's and the State to get my health care need's met. This has isolated me from the only two people that I once believed loved me still and caused me much emotional distress. My nuerologist claims due to this seperation and alienation brought on an increase of stress and seizure disorder that landed me in the Tampa General Hospital and $9,000 in Medical bill's.
I asked my nuerologist, "Is it a possibility that the seizures could be caused by excessive punches to the skull (Domestic Violence)?" My doctor claims, that yes this most certainly can be what caused the concussion, seizure episodes, syncope, memory loss, imbalance, and ringing in the ears. My other question was, "So say if someone just discovered all this about themselves after a seizure episode due to false accusations. Could she use in her defense that she was struggling with battered women syndrome and being treated for a seizure disorder as a result of domestic abuse?"
Bea told the doctor, "Listen Doc, I'm far from crazy. If I was able to attain an AA in Early Childhood Education and a BA in Social Science and Education and raise a baby in less than 8 year's with a gpa of 3.4. I think I have a high functional brain up there. It just got kind of screwed up after I married Saul. Things started to fall apart again, like it did at the beginning of our relationship. We hit another rough patch."
I should have known better. The pattern of alcohol and abuse doesn't end with the Sanchez's. Actually one thing for sure is it get's worse. I was becoming scared of where it was bound to escalate to next. Let me tell you. The worst was yet to come.
Even after I attained my two College degree's Saul loved to throw it in my face,
"See B, all that for what? You still can't get a good paying job."
It must have made him feel so high and mighty to make my accomplishments seem so weak and small. I hate to admit it but he was right. I couldn't attain a good paying job in my field due to my chronic health condition's.
I had another Grand Mal Seizure in the middle of the Steak N Shake Parking lot.
I fell down like a sack of potatoes off the side of my car. Hit the back of my head, fractured my right ankle, and bit my lip. My mom saw me convulsing for a few minute's and when I came to I had slight amnesia. Scary shit!
Another time I woke up and I could not move at all. I thought I was going to stay paralyzed forever and I started panicking, these Epileptic episodes alone have really messed with my head. It has taken some getting used to my new life without any support.
I really need a friend to take care of me, but there has not been any volunteers to come forward on my behalf. No one will even step up so I can visit with my kid's. Which allows me to believe that I have no one who loves me in the end.
I fear that I am going to end up one of those people sitting in a hospital bed who no one comes to visit, till I will wither away. That's MY reality now. I am vulnerable and scared out of my wits that someday I will all together forget who I am, and that I even have a family.
Maybe that would be good for me? Wipe out all the pain I endure on a daily basis over the loss of my loved one's abandoning me. I would much rather forget who I am then deal with the reality of what has become of me.
GOD please take away the pain. I wish to be numb.
I went before a judge in January 2015. He denied me disability knowing I had suffered a traumatic crisis. Since then I have suffered other head injuries and epileptic episodes.
I was advised by a Nueroligist in 2015 not to drive, even though it has been past six month's since my last episode I still stay off the road for now.
I really do think it is disgraceful that I do not get honored disability for if I did I would not be struggling so damn hard to survive in the situation I find myself in now. Maybe if I had, I would get ahead and feel like I belong instead of feeling like this world was not meant for a loving heart like mine.
Society has been chipping away at my heart bit by bit trying to turn me into freezing cold ice, but my tears continue to melt the ice away. The judge abstains from showing any emotion but if I spend one minute longer trying to suppress the longing, fear, agony, and pain I have been bottling up for the past 12 years I know I am liable to snap my humanity switch off and not give a fuck about anything anymore.
This blog is my outlet right now. I am praying that the truth will set us free. Free from the bond's we enslave ourselves in. The bond's of love, life, death, and humanity.
Friday, May 12, 2017
Part Three- Chapter 47- Family Conspiracy
06/15/2015
B was under the assumption that she had this under control.
She had her kid's, a home, a car, all she needed was a job and then they would be alright. B's mother suggested she come live with her, but B told her that she wanted to give it a shot on her own first. It was in June, and she wanted to give it till the end of the summer her best chance to get back up on her feet.
B would like her mom to know now, "I'm sorry mom if your resenting me now for making this choice. My intention was never to hurt you by it. My intention was only to grow from it."
now.
B started going to job interviews and putting out her resume. She posted it on career builder and went to Worknet. She walked into bars and filled out applications at businesses. One business in particular hired her and they wanted B to start the same day as her hearing with Missy which was June 26th. She had a choice to make, "do I go to the hearing and testify against Missy or start my new job?" She picked the new job. The reason why she tried to put a restraining order on Missy was because Missy was harrassing them and tried to throw a chair at B.
6/26/2015
That morning B woke up at 5am because She needed to be there at 8am and She didn't want to be late. She was excited to be starting a new job. It was for this telecommunications company called 24/7. This was a call center that took all the incoming calls for companys like Ulta, which was the one B worked for, Kraft, Netflix, Walmart, etc... Today was the first day of training. B was in the shower and getting dressed, it was now 6am and still no Saul. She decided to give him a call and leave a message, "Saul, I hope you are on your way. I am starting my new job today at 8am. I would like to be there at 7am. Please be here to come get the kids."
When 6:30 started to roll around she started to panic. So B brought her kid's over to Wren's house, the neighbor. Wren is the one who told B about the job opening. Wren would get a job bonus if B remained employed with the company after 30 days.
B asked Wren, "Would you mind watching my children so I am not late on my first day? Saul is supposed to be here any minute. I just can't deal with him today and I am already in hot water as it is with him, could you please help me?"
Thank Jesus Wren helped her out. B was successfully able to attain that job and paycheck for the next 5-6 weeks.
B's Narrative monologue
"Hey its better than no weeks. Let me tell you it was the most stressful 6 weeks of my life.
Filled with ups and downs of course. Some of the most happiest and most memorable moments with my two little boy's, mixed with the drama and hatred of my ex-husband. I never knew he would be so spiteful towards me. He always told me he would never hurt me like this, but he did in the worst way imaginable by keeping my precious children from me. I will never forget this for his actions and non actions concerning our family has cut me so deeply.
First, my ex-husband repeatedly cheated on me with two of my best friends. He is currently living with my children and his mistress's children that he was having an affair with. While we were still married he has had a child out of wed lock! My ex has confused my children completely acting like this behavior is acceptable, and does not offer them an explanation or any professional counseling. He see's nothing wrong with the choices he has made.
Second, my ex husband made several false allegations to the judge saying I was mentally unstable when he knew the kids and I were disabled and never chose to acknowledge it.
Three, my ex husband has been physically abusive to us. He has targeted all of us by consistently assaulting us in the head on numerous occasions which in turn triggered my seizure disorder, loss of hearing, loss of sight, and loss of memory which I now have become currently disabled for the rest of my life and has prevented me from maintaing a steady job. Also, resulting in our oldest child having brain surgery at 11 years old, and my youngest being cognitively delayed since 2 year's of age.
He neglected to tell the Judge the truth that my son suffered from Encephalitis in pain for a month due to his abuse and medical negligence until the pain became so unbearable due to the swelling then does he rush my son to the hospital. Why did he not first take my son to see his primary a year ago to get his immunizations to avoid this? Why didn't he take him to his PCP or Nuerologist for a follow up? He had insurance then. His excuse now is that my son has no insurance. The Dr. told my son if he waited one more day he could have died. I had no clue until I saw a video on YouTube of my boy all alone in a hospital bed with his head cut open and apologizing. My poor baby needed me and he came close to dying and I was not even consulted or informed of his well being. This type of thing should be mandated and penalized in a court of law.
Four, my ex-husband was financially draining and suppressive. If I tried to work he would stop working. When I wouldn't work he would degrade me. I would utilize other organizations and resources to make ends meet.
Five my ex husband was emotionally draining, and he broke my spirit, and my heart into a million pieces, stomped on it, chewed on it, swallowed it, regurgitating it, spit on it, then spilled lighter fluid on it, and vaporized it.
Six, my ex husband completely alienated me from my children for almost three year's. That's exactly how he valued my love in my kid's lives, he estranged me from the children I gave birth to like I should be non-existent when in fact a mother's love means everything to a child. My ex-husband knows this for he is a mama's boy himself so what the hell is going on here? What's the twist? Does this man just need some serious mental help himself? Maybe he is a narcissus..... He always did say that his claim to fame was being diabolical.
Honestly, I don't even care about that man anymore, just that my children are still exposed to him at this moment.
I just want my kid's to know exactly how much I care for them. I wish they knew, but they don't, and it hurts that I can't tell them every day how much I adore them, or be able to look them in the eye and see if they are ok. It kills me inside as a mother, I feel so lost and disconnected from my loves.
That is the God honest truth. Some people are just user's and abusers. God has put me here to be a martyr and example to all these families that are currently suffering due to wrongful prosecution. The morality and ethics that are being overlooked and dismissed has brought upon injustices within the family infrastructure. I will write and document my story to the world in hopes that people may know how vindictive people like my X are getting away with alienating loving parents like B from their children.
B was under the assumption that she had this under control.
She had her kid's, a home, a car, all she needed was a job and then they would be alright. B's mother suggested she come live with her, but B told her that she wanted to give it a shot on her own first. It was in June, and she wanted to give it till the end of the summer her best chance to get back up on her feet.
B would like her mom to know now, "I'm sorry mom if your resenting me now for making this choice. My intention was never to hurt you by it. My intention was only to grow from it."
now.
B started going to job interviews and putting out her resume. She posted it on career builder and went to Worknet. She walked into bars and filled out applications at businesses. One business in particular hired her and they wanted B to start the same day as her hearing with Missy which was June 26th. She had a choice to make, "do I go to the hearing and testify against Missy or start my new job?" She picked the new job. The reason why she tried to put a restraining order on Missy was because Missy was harrassing them and tried to throw a chair at B.
6/26/2015
That morning B woke up at 5am because She needed to be there at 8am and She didn't want to be late. She was excited to be starting a new job. It was for this telecommunications company called 24/7. This was a call center that took all the incoming calls for companys like Ulta, which was the one B worked for, Kraft, Netflix, Walmart, etc... Today was the first day of training. B was in the shower and getting dressed, it was now 6am and still no Saul. She decided to give him a call and leave a message, "Saul, I hope you are on your way. I am starting my new job today at 8am. I would like to be there at 7am. Please be here to come get the kids."
When 6:30 started to roll around she started to panic. So B brought her kid's over to Wren's house, the neighbor. Wren is the one who told B about the job opening. Wren would get a job bonus if B remained employed with the company after 30 days.
B asked Wren, "Would you mind watching my children so I am not late on my first day? Saul is supposed to be here any minute. I just can't deal with him today and I am already in hot water as it is with him, could you please help me?"
Thank Jesus Wren helped her out. B was successfully able to attain that job and paycheck for the next 5-6 weeks.
B's Narrative monologue
"Hey its better than no weeks. Let me tell you it was the most stressful 6 weeks of my life.
Filled with ups and downs of course. Some of the most happiest and most memorable moments with my two little boy's, mixed with the drama and hatred of my ex-husband. I never knew he would be so spiteful towards me. He always told me he would never hurt me like this, but he did in the worst way imaginable by keeping my precious children from me. I will never forget this for his actions and non actions concerning our family has cut me so deeply.
First, my ex-husband repeatedly cheated on me with two of my best friends. He is currently living with my children and his mistress's children that he was having an affair with. While we were still married he has had a child out of wed lock! My ex has confused my children completely acting like this behavior is acceptable, and does not offer them an explanation or any professional counseling. He see's nothing wrong with the choices he has made.
Second, my ex husband made several false allegations to the judge saying I was mentally unstable when he knew the kids and I were disabled and never chose to acknowledge it.
Three, my ex husband has been physically abusive to us. He has targeted all of us by consistently assaulting us in the head on numerous occasions which in turn triggered my seizure disorder, loss of hearing, loss of sight, and loss of memory which I now have become currently disabled for the rest of my life and has prevented me from maintaing a steady job. Also, resulting in our oldest child having brain surgery at 11 years old, and my youngest being cognitively delayed since 2 year's of age.
Four, my ex-husband was financially draining and suppressive. If I tried to work he would stop working. When I wouldn't work he would degrade me. I would utilize other organizations and resources to make ends meet.
Five my ex husband was emotionally draining, and he broke my spirit, and my heart into a million pieces, stomped on it, chewed on it, swallowed it, regurgitating it, spit on it, then spilled lighter fluid on it, and vaporized it.
Six, my ex husband completely alienated me from my children for almost three year's. That's exactly how he valued my love in my kid's lives, he estranged me from the children I gave birth to like I should be non-existent when in fact a mother's love means everything to a child. My ex-husband knows this for he is a mama's boy himself so what the hell is going on here? What's the twist? Does this man just need some serious mental help himself? Maybe he is a narcissus..... He always did say that his claim to fame was being diabolical.
Honestly, I don't even care about that man anymore, just that my children are still exposed to him at this moment.
I just want my kid's to know exactly how much I care for them. I wish they knew, but they don't, and it hurts that I can't tell them every day how much I adore them, or be able to look them in the eye and see if they are ok. It kills me inside as a mother, I feel so lost and disconnected from my loves.
That is the God honest truth. Some people are just user's and abusers. God has put me here to be a martyr and example to all these families that are currently suffering due to wrongful prosecution. The morality and ethics that are being overlooked and dismissed has brought upon injustices within the family infrastructure. I will write and document my story to the world in hopes that people may know how vindictive people like my X are getting away with alienating loving parents like B from their children.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Chapter 45- Pat the truth is....
06/11/2015
Saul and I discussed that it was time he moved out, for us living together was becoming way too awkward. It was not working out for the two of us. He moved into his parents apartment. We both agreed to sit down and tell the truth to Pat once he got home from school.
We all sat around the dining room table and had a discussion with Pat. "Listen, son first of all we want you to know that none of this is any of your fault and that you have done nothing wrong. Daddy and mommy are still your parents who love you, but we are just not going to be living together anymore." B said to Pat, "I'm sorry baby this is all our fault and has absolutely nothing to do with you or your brother we believe it is best for now until we figure out what really makes us happy. So your dad is moving over to Papa and Abuela's place for awhile." Pat responded, "No! I don't want him to."
Saul said, "There is something else you must know also we need to do a test. It won't hurt. Just a piece of your hair or saliva to check your DNA. There is a possibility that you may not be my son. Uncle Primo may be your dad." Pat said, "Uncle Primo!" "Yeah!" B said.
Omg finally the truth be told, but still almost two-three years lator and do we have the paternity test result's? NO!
The proof is in the pudding?
Who is the baby's daddy?
Inquiring minds wanna know.
Well, at least the mother and son want to know. Obviously the father's are too scared or they would have given up their specimens a decade ago. I could just see the look of disappointment in Pat's face knowing that I had kept this secret from him his whole life, but when is a good time to tell a child the truth about who his real father is? He was now nine years old and it was complicated enough as it was for the three of us without including Pat. Now he was in the loop and it was only fair that we get results, which still remains to be seen because I have been completely alienated from my children at this time. I don't know if Pat even know's the truth or not, but I do know the truth because I know who I made love to and when son.
All I know in my heart is that I loved my Pat more than anything in this world he is the sweetest most sensitive boy really. He tried everything to keep his father and I together. He wrote a letter and gave it to me pretending it was written by Saul in Pat's handwriting apologizing to me so we wouldn't fight anymore. I felt horrible breaking up with Saul like I was letting my son down. Which was the biggest reason why I put up with the relationship for so long. I couldn't understand it either because Saul would treat Pat awful, but Pat still loved him.
06/15/15
One night Saul brought Jr and Pat home he was all drunk (DUI) and upset because Papa and him got into a fight, because papa hit Jr. off the head with the remote control. Now this is the third or fourth traumatic head injury that we know about that has happened within the last two year's. God only knows if there has been more let's pray for his sake not.:( I'm a very worried mommy right now. 😞 sick.
Saul and I discussed that it was time he moved out, for us living together was becoming way too awkward. It was not working out for the two of us. He moved into his parents apartment. We both agreed to sit down and tell the truth to Pat once he got home from school.
We all sat around the dining room table and had a discussion with Pat. "Listen, son first of all we want you to know that none of this is any of your fault and that you have done nothing wrong. Daddy and mommy are still your parents who love you, but we are just not going to be living together anymore." B said to Pat, "I'm sorry baby this is all our fault and has absolutely nothing to do with you or your brother we believe it is best for now until we figure out what really makes us happy. So your dad is moving over to Papa and Abuela's place for awhile." Pat responded, "No! I don't want him to."
Saul said, "There is something else you must know also we need to do a test. It won't hurt. Just a piece of your hair or saliva to check your DNA. There is a possibility that you may not be my son. Uncle Primo may be your dad." Pat said, "Uncle Primo!" "Yeah!" B said.
Omg finally the truth be told, but still almost two-three years lator and do we have the paternity test result's? NO!
The proof is in the pudding?
Who is the baby's daddy?
Inquiring minds wanna know.
Well, at least the mother and son want to know. Obviously the father's are too scared or they would have given up their specimens a decade ago. I could just see the look of disappointment in Pat's face knowing that I had kept this secret from him his whole life, but when is a good time to tell a child the truth about who his real father is? He was now nine years old and it was complicated enough as it was for the three of us without including Pat. Now he was in the loop and it was only fair that we get results, which still remains to be seen because I have been completely alienated from my children at this time. I don't know if Pat even know's the truth or not, but I do know the truth because I know who I made love to and when son.
All I know in my heart is that I loved my Pat more than anything in this world he is the sweetest most sensitive boy really. He tried everything to keep his father and I together. He wrote a letter and gave it to me pretending it was written by Saul in Pat's handwriting apologizing to me so we wouldn't fight anymore. I felt horrible breaking up with Saul like I was letting my son down. Which was the biggest reason why I put up with the relationship for so long. I couldn't understand it either because Saul would treat Pat awful, but Pat still loved him.
06/15/15
One night Saul brought Jr and Pat home he was all drunk (DUI) and upset because Papa and him got into a fight, because papa hit Jr. off the head with the remote control. Now this is the third or fourth traumatic head injury that we know about that has happened within the last two year's. God only knows if there has been more let's pray for his sake not.:( I'm a very worried mommy right now. 😞 sick.
Monday, April 24, 2017
Chapter 42: Professing my love to Primo
06/03/2015
B: Baby cakes, please let me in on what your feeling. I need to know.
B: I can get that out to you tonight if u want.
B: What's good, after midnight? Just name the place.
B: hello?
Text message from B to Primo......
B: Hey loverboy
Are you feeling free today?
Thanks to you I haven't really slept or ate a full meal in 4 months. Last night I ran at 3am to let out all this pent up angst. I hate not being able to touch you. Especially now that I see you. FUBAR!
B: Baby cakes, please let me in on what your feeling. I need to know.
B: I can get that out to you tonight if u want.
B: What's good, after midnight? Just name the place.
Primo: At my house.
u cant come non. Now?
u cant come non. Now?
B: No, it will have to be later.
I have to put the kids to bed.
The head curran doesn't want me to go. So I have to sneek out on the scooter.
I have to put the kids to bed.
The head curran doesn't want me to go. So I have to sneek out on the scooter.
B: hello?
desculpe mano. Donde esta eres tu?
Wake up u lazy ass. The kids are asleep.
B: Do you still need that? Whats up?
(I was talking about bringing him cigarettes.)
B: Boo u need to get a phone mi amore.
B: Ok. well I'm still going out for a ride. I 'll just bring your pack with me, in case you are home . Otherwise your axed out.
B: I bet you fell asleep.
B: Do you still need that? Whats up?
(I was talking about bringing him cigarettes.)
B: Boo u need to get a phone mi amore.
B: Ok. well I'm still going out for a ride. I 'll just bring your pack with me, in case you are home . Otherwise your axed out.
B: I bet you fell asleep.
mula!
B: Ok it has been 5 hours since you text me last. I know your ass aint sleeping cuz u were just at my door like 1 hour ago. I am out and about and I really need to talk to you anywAy so call me.
B: I'm sorry for loving you.
I wish I could've been the one woman in your life but guess I am not good enough.
I know you don't trust me for the way we started our journey was all off.
I think we deserve eachother.
I know I need you and I believe you need me too.
B: Your brother says that you could never love me because you don't have a heart, that you can't even love yourself.
Do you think what he says is true?
Deep in my heart I know he is wrong.
You just have a hard time believing in yourself.
B: Lately I have been feeling that way myself. I have been so depressed and in limbo for years now.
I KNOW you have too.
Why do you think that is?
B: Perhaps we can start out with a clean slate.
I don't think I can be your sister or friend anymore.
That is probably what you want anyway.
B: I know all this sounds so crazy. Believe me I have tried to analyze over and over and all I can come up with is that love makes people do and say the crazziest things sometimes because you want to be in control of the situation so bad, but it is really up to the other person when the ball is in the others court.
B: I am dying inside because you are not writing me back. Please I need some answers from you.
(I waited around the corner to hear from him and stepped out to stare at the moon.)
B: oh I am sure I sound like a little miss know it all now to you. When I really don't know shit.
I am sitting outside looking at the moon and wondering if you're even home.
I could knock on the door, but I won't.
I think I have had my heart stomped on enough for one day.
I hate being the fool.
I figuered it was worth a shot.
B: I know you are probably forwarding every thing to Saul right now.
That is the reason why I broke it off with him the other night because I did not want him or anyone else to come between us again.
Do you believe this to be the noble thing?
B: He really was kind about it. Like it was time that we go our seperate ways.
I did love Saul, just not the way I love you.
I really do wish it weren't true, but the heart knows what it wants.
Now I know the mind can't win over the heart.
I just hope it is not too late for us.
I cannot lie to myself anymore.
(I fell asleep by the pool area on a lawn chair that night. A bunch of teenagers woke me up skinny dipping at the break of dawn.)
I needed to see my babycakes so I knocked on his door. He answered the door a crack and said,
"My father is sleeping, go away."
I retorded,
"C'mon Primo I am not going anywhere till you let me in."
Then I sat at his front door and dozed off.
Papa found me lying out front and asked me,
"B what are you doing? Come in and lie down. Get off the ground."
I would admit that I was tired so I layed in my Papa's bed to catch some rest. When I woke up Primo was gone. He texted me.
06/04/2015
Primo: yo
hey
yoooooooo
hello i know u hear me
B: NO! I am mad at you.
I want to go to the beach but I have no money for gas. I am about to break down cuz I am on E.
Primo: wtf.
B: Do you want to go to the beach?
(Then I sent some text messages pretending to be another guy that got a hold of my phone to try and see if he would get jelous. I know he did. Doesn't that gotta say something about how he feels for me?)
B: I know you are there.
Jelous much.
Those were my intentions.
I can b very popular when I want to b.
I was known as the preetiest girl in highschool.
B: I know you probably better then you know yourself.
C'mon please talk to me.
I want to help. Let me in.'
I wish you would confide in me.
B: I need you.
Feeling a little lost here.
I am lying here in bed with Jr's hand on my back.
He is so cute.
He knows I'm sad.
Fell asleep like that and doesn't want to let go.
(This was one of the last times I had my baby next to me.
Funny how children suspect your inevitable seperation from them before your even able to anticipate it yourself. If I had known I would have never left his side.)
B: Do you wanna go see Ashleigh b4 she goes to MA on June 7?
B: Well I guess I am about to go to the beach by myself. I have a lot of smoking to do.
(I still had his smokes).
Primo met up with me outside and we took a ride to Clearwater beach.
The view was beautiful it was close to sunset. I asked him,
"Do you wanna ride down to Sand Key Beach?" He agreed.
As we drove over the bridges towards the beach I wrapped my arms around him and put my hand on his thigh.
I could see my Jägermeister strap flapping in the wind hitting my calf.
It was sexy, he was sexy, but the wind was kind of chilly.
I tucked my cold nose in between his shoulder blades to stop the wind from smacking me in the face.
He smelled so good. I felt his beautiful curly locks brush against my forehead and I hugged him really close from behind.
I wonder if he could feel how hot I was with him sitting in between my legs. I desired to just wrap my legs completely around him.
Instead I placed my chin on his shoulder so I could see his expression in the mirror.
I kissed the back of his neck slightly.
Then he pulled over and caused some drama and said
"Cut that shit out or we are not going."
I said,
"I'm sorry I can't help that my eyecandy taste so good."
I begged him to go and told him that I really needed to talk to him.
I think he just wanted to hear me beg.
When we got to the beach we just barely caught the sunset.
I told him to
"come on"
and ran ahead of him onto the beach.
I sat next to him and watched it finally settle and explained to him why my behavior has been a little off.
I started out with,
"You know Primo, love makes you do the damndest things. I woke up and realized what I have been neglecting and running from, is you. The way I feel about you scares the hell out of me and I am in love with you my darling. I always have loved you and I suppose I always will. Please tell me you feel the same way? I can't be with anyone else if it is not you."
Primo said,
"I just don't feel that way about you."
B's heart dropped,
"So your telling me that you can show your face and say your in love with all your babies mama's, but you can't learn to love me, and give us a chance? That's just not fair!"
I ran up to the shore and let the waves crash over my feet.
I looked into the sea and yelled up to the star's.
"You lied to me universe."
Then I climbed on top of the life gaurd station and cried.
Primo said,
"B you married my brother. Your my sister and law."
I told him,
"I married the wrong brother.
I told you how I felt about you long before I married him hoping you would have stepped up for once and stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
I have only needed to be with you, not him.
I have realized that I can't live my life this way anymore when I was having sex with Saul and imagining it was you.
It felt so wrong.
I want to be having sex with my babycakes and only you. Why can't I be the one?
I know we are connected in someway.
I know you're the one for me, your my soulmate."
I layed on the lifegaurd chair sobbing.
Primo said, "C'mon B let's go." I just threw the keys at him and said "Go! I don't care anymore just leave me here."
Then all of a sudden I felt like running as fast as I could through the surf till I couldn't run no more and dropped to my knee's in the water. I ran my finger's through the sand and water. It felt like quicksand between my fingers. I continued to cry. Maybe Primo is right. I am acting like a dork right now, so let me get out of here this is ridiculous.
The breeze was cold against my skin. I changed in the moonlight out of my bathing suit and into some dry clothes. It felt as if Primo was watching me, but I was not able to see anything.
By the lifegaurd station I looked for the key.
I threw at Primo and couldn't find it.
I saw a flashlight coming towards me and it was a park ranger letting me know that the park was closed.
I told the ranger ok.
As I approached the parking lot I saw my scooter, but no Primo. I told the ranger wait that my friend had the key I yelled out, "Primo"
finally he appeared from out of no where.
I drove us out of there just in time before the ranger locked us in. He seemed a bit nervous about my driving and acted like he was afraid to touch me. I was reading his body language. So I pulled over and let him drive.
Had I known then, what I know now, I wouldn't have let him go. I would have really kissed him like it was my last kiss on Earth, when I saw him turn his back on me and watched him walk up those steps, I wish I would have known it to be the second to last time I would ever see my loverboy and babycakes.
Like he said to me,
"Now I am ghost."
I was losing the loves in my life for being honest with myself and others for the very first time.
This is not how it is supposed to work.....what am I doing wrong?
Were we supposed to continue living a lie for the rest of our lives?
At least I would have been able to see my kid's grow. Now I will never know. I'd much rather live an abusive lie then feel as if I am dying day by day.
I just loved your fine ass so much.
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - William Shakespeare
B: Ok it has been 5 hours since you text me last. I know your ass aint sleeping cuz u were just at my door like 1 hour ago. I am out and about and I really need to talk to you anywAy so call me.
B: I'm sorry for loving you.
I wish I could've been the one woman in your life but guess I am not good enough.
I know you don't trust me for the way we started our journey was all off.
I think we deserve eachother.
I know I need you and I believe you need me too.
B: Your brother says that you could never love me because you don't have a heart, that you can't even love yourself.
Do you think what he says is true?
Deep in my heart I know he is wrong.
You just have a hard time believing in yourself.
B: Lately I have been feeling that way myself. I have been so depressed and in limbo for years now.
I KNOW you have too.
Why do you think that is?
B: Perhaps we can start out with a clean slate.
I don't think I can be your sister or friend anymore.
That is probably what you want anyway.
B: I know all this sounds so crazy. Believe me I have tried to analyze over and over and all I can come up with is that love makes people do and say the crazziest things sometimes because you want to be in control of the situation so bad, but it is really up to the other person when the ball is in the others court.
B: I am dying inside because you are not writing me back. Please I need some answers from you.
(I waited around the corner to hear from him and stepped out to stare at the moon.)
B: oh I am sure I sound like a little miss know it all now to you. When I really don't know shit.
I am sitting outside looking at the moon and wondering if you're even home.
I could knock on the door, but I won't.
I think I have had my heart stomped on enough for one day.
I hate being the fool.
I figuered it was worth a shot.
B: I know you are probably forwarding every thing to Saul right now.
That is the reason why I broke it off with him the other night because I did not want him or anyone else to come between us again.
Do you believe this to be the noble thing?
B: He really was kind about it. Like it was time that we go our seperate ways.
I did love Saul, just not the way I love you.
I really do wish it weren't true, but the heart knows what it wants.
Now I know the mind can't win over the heart.
I just hope it is not too late for us.
I cannot lie to myself anymore.
(I fell asleep by the pool area on a lawn chair that night. A bunch of teenagers woke me up skinny dipping at the break of dawn.)
I needed to see my babycakes so I knocked on his door. He answered the door a crack and said,
"My father is sleeping, go away."
I retorded,
"C'mon Primo I am not going anywhere till you let me in."
Then I sat at his front door and dozed off.
Papa found me lying out front and asked me,
"B what are you doing? Come in and lie down. Get off the ground."
I would admit that I was tired so I layed in my Papa's bed to catch some rest. When I woke up Primo was gone. He texted me.
06/04/2015
Primo: yo
hey
yoooooooo
hello i know u hear me
B: NO! I am mad at you.
I want to go to the beach but I have no money for gas. I am about to break down cuz I am on E.
Primo: wtf.
B: Do you want to go to the beach?
(Then I sent some text messages pretending to be another guy that got a hold of my phone to try and see if he would get jelous. I know he did. Doesn't that gotta say something about how he feels for me?)
B: I know you are there.
Jelous much.
Those were my intentions.
I can b very popular when I want to b.
I was known as the preetiest girl in highschool.
B: I know you probably better then you know yourself.
C'mon please talk to me.
I want to help. Let me in.'
I wish you would confide in me.
B: I need you.
Feeling a little lost here.
I am lying here in bed with Jr's hand on my back.
He is so cute.
He knows I'm sad.
Fell asleep like that and doesn't want to let go.
(This was one of the last times I had my baby next to me.
Funny how children suspect your inevitable seperation from them before your even able to anticipate it yourself. If I had known I would have never left his side.)
B: Do you wanna go see Ashleigh b4 she goes to MA on June 7?
B: Well I guess I am about to go to the beach by myself. I have a lot of smoking to do.
(I still had his smokes).
Primo met up with me outside and we took a ride to Clearwater beach.
The view was beautiful it was close to sunset. I asked him,
"Do you wanna ride down to Sand Key Beach?" He agreed.
As we drove over the bridges towards the beach I wrapped my arms around him and put my hand on his thigh.
I could see my Jägermeister strap flapping in the wind hitting my calf.
It was sexy, he was sexy, but the wind was kind of chilly.
I tucked my cold nose in between his shoulder blades to stop the wind from smacking me in the face.
He smelled so good. I felt his beautiful curly locks brush against my forehead and I hugged him really close from behind.
I wonder if he could feel how hot I was with him sitting in between my legs. I desired to just wrap my legs completely around him.
Instead I placed my chin on his shoulder so I could see his expression in the mirror.
I kissed the back of his neck slightly.
Then he pulled over and caused some drama and said
"Cut that shit out or we are not going."
I said,
"I'm sorry I can't help that my eyecandy taste so good."
I begged him to go and told him that I really needed to talk to him.
I think he just wanted to hear me beg.
When we got to the beach we just barely caught the sunset.
I told him to
"come on"
and ran ahead of him onto the beach.
I sat next to him and watched it finally settle and explained to him why my behavior has been a little off.
I started out with,
"You know Primo, love makes you do the damndest things. I woke up and realized what I have been neglecting and running from, is you. The way I feel about you scares the hell out of me and I am in love with you my darling. I always have loved you and I suppose I always will. Please tell me you feel the same way? I can't be with anyone else if it is not you."
Primo said,
"I just don't feel that way about you."
B's heart dropped,
"So your telling me that you can show your face and say your in love with all your babies mama's, but you can't learn to love me, and give us a chance? That's just not fair!"
I ran up to the shore and let the waves crash over my feet.
I looked into the sea and yelled up to the star's.
"You lied to me universe."
Then I climbed on top of the life gaurd station and cried.
Primo said,
"B you married my brother. Your my sister and law."
I told him,
"I married the wrong brother.
I told you how I felt about you long before I married him hoping you would have stepped up for once and stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
I have only needed to be with you, not him.
I have realized that I can't live my life this way anymore when I was having sex with Saul and imagining it was you.
It felt so wrong.
I want to be having sex with my babycakes and only you. Why can't I be the one?
I know we are connected in someway.
I know you're the one for me, your my soulmate."
I layed on the lifegaurd chair sobbing.
Primo said, "C'mon B let's go." I just threw the keys at him and said "Go! I don't care anymore just leave me here."
Then all of a sudden I felt like running as fast as I could through the surf till I couldn't run no more and dropped to my knee's in the water. I ran my finger's through the sand and water. It felt like quicksand between my fingers. I continued to cry. Maybe Primo is right. I am acting like a dork right now, so let me get out of here this is ridiculous.
The breeze was cold against my skin. I changed in the moonlight out of my bathing suit and into some dry clothes. It felt as if Primo was watching me, but I was not able to see anything.
By the lifegaurd station I looked for the key.
I threw at Primo and couldn't find it.
I saw a flashlight coming towards me and it was a park ranger letting me know that the park was closed.
I told the ranger ok.
As I approached the parking lot I saw my scooter, but no Primo. I told the ranger wait that my friend had the key I yelled out, "Primo"
finally he appeared from out of no where.
I drove us out of there just in time before the ranger locked us in. He seemed a bit nervous about my driving and acted like he was afraid to touch me. I was reading his body language. So I pulled over and let him drive.
Had I known then, what I know now, I wouldn't have let him go. I would have really kissed him like it was my last kiss on Earth, when I saw him turn his back on me and watched him walk up those steps, I wish I would have known it to be the second to last time I would ever see my loverboy and babycakes.
Like he said to me,
"Now I am ghost."
I was losing the loves in my life for being honest with myself and others for the very first time.
This is not how it is supposed to work.....what am I doing wrong?
Were we supposed to continue living a lie for the rest of our lives?
At least I would have been able to see my kid's grow. Now I will never know. I'd much rather live an abusive lie then feel as if I am dying day by day.
I just loved your fine ass so much.
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - William Shakespeare
Friday, April 21, 2017
Chapter 41- The Truth Comes Out
05/29/2015
I told Saul the truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me GOD. I told him how I had fallen in love with Primo.
Saul said, "Primo won't ever love you. He doesn't even have a heart. He doesn't even know how to love himself."
Saul was just trying to deter me from following my heart. I knew deep down Primo had a big heart and I know he loved himself more than he probably should. Whether he was capable of loving me, well I was determined to find out the truth. I was free to just being me. I felt so good for once, like I was finally living my life to its true potential. I was so happy that I was floating on cloud 9, and Primo was being released from jail in 3 more days, and I couldn't wait to tell him in person how I really felt.
06/03/2015
I crawled out of bed and I left that morning knowing that Primo was going to be released from jail in just a few hours. I couldn't sleep anyway because I was feeling anxious. I just wanted to see him really and give him a huge hug. I still wasn't really sure about telling him how much I loved him, but I figuered that would come out in due time. It was 5am and I was hoping he would get out before 7am when the kids got ready for school, but Primo didn't. Later that day I found out that his father picked him up.
I hurried to get the boys off to school and then rushed home to get all dressed up for Primo to see me. He answered the door and I believe he likey. I was wearing my silk dress and white heels with the gold trim. He seemed to be tired so he layed back down on the couch. I had absolutely no inhibitions any longer for now I was a free woman. I layed right on top of him and I told him that I missed him. He held me and I know this caught him off gaurd a bit. He finally had a chance to smell me and feel my body once again. Primo started to get a hard on. Then I smelled him and he did not smell very good so I told him,
B pushed, "Please, spare me. Let's not beat around the bush like the both of you didn't know. Enough with the games, you have both been playing me for a very long time let's put all the cards on the table like the grown adults we are for everyone to see. I am sick of lying to myself and everyone else. Let's stop sneaking around and be honest with eachother."
06/03/2015
I crawled out of bed and I left that morning knowing that Primo was going to be released from jail in just a few hours. I couldn't sleep anyway because I was feeling anxious. I just wanted to see him really and give him a huge hug. I still wasn't really sure about telling him how much I loved him, but I figuered that would come out in due time. It was 5am and I was hoping he would get out before 7am when the kids got ready for school, but Primo didn't. Later that day I found out that his father picked him up.
I hurried to get the boys off to school and then rushed home to get all dressed up for Primo to see me. He answered the door and I believe he likey. I was wearing my silk dress and white heels with the gold trim. He seemed to be tired so he layed back down on the couch. I had absolutely no inhibitions any longer for now I was a free woman. I layed right on top of him and I told him that I missed him. He held me and I know this caught him off gaurd a bit. He finally had a chance to smell me and feel my body once again. Primo started to get a hard on. Then I smelled him and he did not smell very good so I told him,
B: "Primo you stink. Go wash your ass and lets get out of here and go shopping."
He jumped up got all excited and went in the shower. I followed him and kept talking to him as he took a shower. I asked him,
B: "Did you get my letters?"
Primo stated he did and said,
Primo: "Yeah B, what was that all about?"
Then I mentioned,
B: "I was bored and I really really missed you. Why didn't you write back?"
Primo said, "B I can't write, but I can draw. I'll show you as soon as I get out."
As he said that I dropped my dress down to the floor and told him that,
B: "I've been working out just for you. How do I look babe, I dropped 20 lbs?"
Then I opened the shower curtain to see his body all wet, soapy, and dripping from his biceps. He was so totally hot and showing me a nice view of his cute little buns. I twirled around so he could get a good view of my bum as well. Then I got back to being dressed allowing him to finish up his shower and stew for a few minutes about what he just saw. It didn't take him long. When he walked out he instantly made me a proposition saying,
Then I opened the shower curtain to see his body all wet, soapy, and dripping from his biceps. He was so totally hot and showing me a nice view of his cute little buns. I twirled around so he could get a good view of my bum as well. Then I got back to being dressed allowing him to finish up his shower and stew for a few minutes about what he just saw. It didn't take him long. When he walked out he instantly made me a proposition saying,
Primo: "I will fuck you if you buy me a phone. " I retorded,
B:"No thank you, you would fuck me either way you dog!"
He was trying really hard to be convincing by telling me,
Primo: "No really B let's go. Right here, right now."
I said,
B: "Really dude? On your parents bed. No way!"
Then I changed the subject. Now looking back I should have went for it, but I didn't want to seem too easy. I like teasing and being chased.
I filled Primo in on a new business proposition that I had for him. I wanted to go all in with just him 50/50. I started a website platform called Boston Auto Detailing and spent $100 on the flyers. I was starting to network and make connections. Unfortunately, all that time, money, and patience was wasted because we never got it up and running.
Then we went food shopping. I could tell he was undressing me with his eyes and I told him to get whatever he wanted. Mistakenly another customer thought we were a couple and he called me babe. I had an instant flashback of when we were together before and I had to run around looking for a bathroom because I was pregnant. It was almost like we were picking up right where we had left off. As we approached the checkout counter he noticed my card. He was like,
I filled Primo in on a new business proposition that I had for him. I wanted to go all in with just him 50/50. I started a website platform called Boston Auto Detailing and spent $100 on the flyers. I was starting to network and make connections. Unfortunately, all that time, money, and patience was wasted because we never got it up and running.
Then we went food shopping. I could tell he was undressing me with his eyes and I told him to get whatever he wanted. Mistakenly another customer thought we were a couple and he called me babe. I had an instant flashback of when we were together before and I had to run around looking for a bathroom because I was pregnant. It was almost like we were picking up right where we had left off. As we approached the checkout counter he noticed my card. He was like,
Primo: "B what's that?"
It had his last name on it. I told him,
B: "Food stamp's."
It must have all of a sudden dawned on him that my last name was Sanchez because I was still married to his brother and that I had no money, but only food stamps. Which was true for I spent my last dollar paying off his lawyer and stocking up his canteen in jail.
There was a possibility that he had been contemplating about me getting divorced, but in my mind I was thinking what the fuck is the point if I am just going to turn around and be with him? At least then I can still carry his name and we won't even have to get married and it would be an easy fix just change the first name on the marriage certificate we won't even have to pay a dime if we wish. Too funny, but true.
Then after we got back to the house who shows up walking through the door but Saul. Saul start's to bitch me out,
There was a possibility that he had been contemplating about me getting divorced, but in my mind I was thinking what the fuck is the point if I am just going to turn around and be with him? At least then I can still carry his name and we won't even have to get married and it would be an easy fix just change the first name on the marriage certificate we won't even have to pay a dime if we wish. Too funny, but true.
Then after we got back to the house who shows up walking through the door but Saul. Saul start's to bitch me out,
Saul: "What are you doing here?"
I said,
B: "What does it look like? I'm seeing Primo." As I said that Primo stood up and walked into the other room.
Saul said, "Well this is my parents house and your not allowed to be here. My brother should not have let you in."
I told Saul,
B: "Why because you say so? Well he did because he is his own man and makes his own decisions and is not an asshole like you. It is a free country mano. I don't know who the hell you think you are. Right Primo?"
Primo stated, "I am out of this B."
I said, B: "No, no, no, no, no you my friend are very much a part of this I think it is about time we all sit down and discussed exactly what we all should have said a long time ago."
Primo changed the subject by showing off his drawings. The first drawing I saw was of me, but he quickly covered it up so Saul didn't see it. I briefly caught a glimpse of it remembering a photo of me that I sent him in jail. I was really glad he used me as one of his muises, that was really sweet and made me feel super special. I wish I could have looked at it a little bit longer, but I understood what he was trying to do.
Primo then asked, "What is going on between you two?"
Primo changed the subject by showing off his drawings. The first drawing I saw was of me, but he quickly covered it up so Saul didn't see it. I briefly caught a glimpse of it remembering a photo of me that I sent him in jail. I was really glad he used me as one of his muises, that was really sweet and made me feel super special. I wish I could have looked at it a little bit longer, but I understood what he was trying to do.
Primo then asked, "What is going on between you two?"
I answered,
B: "I broke it off with your brother a few days ago."
Primo said, "What , but why?"
Saul retorded, "What, you haven't heard yet? She is in love with you mano."
I mumbled,
B: "Just terrific! This is not exactly the way I intended to tell him."
B pushed, "Please, spare me. Let's not beat around the bush like the both of you didn't know. Enough with the games, you have both been playing me for a very long time let's put all the cards on the table like the grown adults we are for everyone to see. I am sick of lying to myself and everyone else. Let's stop sneaking around and be honest with eachother."
Then B directed her attention towards Saul,
B: "Saul I never meant to hurt you, but you know that it is no surprise that I have slept with your brother. First of all you knew about it from the beginning 11 years ago and acted like you forgave me, then threw it in my face every second you had a chance."
Then she directed her attention to Primo
B: "Primo you picked up the brunt of making me happy where your brother was lacking it was like having the best of both worlds. If I could put you both into one body you would be the perfect man for me."
Then Saul started fucking around with our heads saying,
Then Saul started fucking around with our heads saying,
Saul: "OK what do you want? You want the both of us? You want to have a threesome?"
I was like,
B:"Serious Saul? Nevermind, I need a drink I'm outta here." I looked over to Primo and said, "Are you coming?"
Of course Saul had to add himself to the equation which made it virtually impossible to get Primo to myself. Then I asked the question,
B: "Babe?"
and they both answered.
Shit!
All of a sudden it dawned on me that I have to give Primo his very own nickname. I thought about it and named him babycakes because I love him like a fat kid loves cake. I also want my cake and ice cream, and I like to get to eat it too. Oh no, what did I get myself into? Well it is too late now. What's done is done and there is no turning back.
This I am regrettfully telling you now was the biggest mistake of my life getting involved with two brothers at the same time. My karmic debt has been paid. It's over.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
LET HIM GO. (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by B' onnie
May 2015
LET HIM GO
Let him go, let him go
It is time to let him go
It is evident he don't need you
Or want you so
You need to
Let him go
He broke your heart
So ease your pain
And relinquish
Thoughts in your brain
You don't have to wallow in pain
Sometimes life may seem so mundane
So take your time
And let him go
You tell yourself
That he'll be there
But in fact he really don't care
What did I do
For you to hate me so?
Other than loving you
So let him
Go.
Feel free to listen to this song with instrumentals behind it on SoundCloud.com- Boston B'onnie Audette. Thanx 4 listening n caring. This song goes out to my soon to be
x-husband that proves 2 me day by day that he never really gave a shit about me to begin with, so why should I even care so much? I guess I was the better person in the relationship since I showed a lot more compassion then most people would have.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Chapter 39- The Boheeva
05/11/2015
Missy was being a bully. Saul would call her the boheeva. She was insistent about us paying her money even though she was not the rightful owner of the house. I really did appreciated her for letting us move in, but had I known what a bully and a tyrant she was beforehand I would have never let my kid's near her. First impressions led me to believe that she was a good person. Saul and I did agree to pay her rent, but we did not sign any legal documents stating that and later come to find out that all of us were squatting in that house so we didn't see the point of paying her rent. Instead Saul fixed the hole in the ceiling. Missy was illegally paying the water bill and my husband was able to get the electric bill in his name and I handled the trash bill.
I wasn't sure what was happening between my husband and I, but I sensed it wasn't good for he was staying out a lot while I waited for him in bed. A few nights Saul and Missy would stay up late talking and it really upset me because I would be waiting in bed fuming that he was having an affair. In fact, I was beginning not to even care anymore because someone else was creeping into my heart and consuming my mind. I really wasn't sure how to make any sense of it, I just came to the conclusion that the heart know's what it wants. It still didn't seem right falling in love with my husbands brother, but it is not like Saul really loved me anymore for his actions were telling me so.
On this day Missy got up in my face. She crossed a boundary with me and started acting as if she was my mother claiming that, "This is my house."
Missy was being a bully. Saul would call her the boheeva. She was insistent about us paying her money even though she was not the rightful owner of the house. I really did appreciated her for letting us move in, but had I known what a bully and a tyrant she was beforehand I would have never let my kid's near her. First impressions led me to believe that she was a good person. Saul and I did agree to pay her rent, but we did not sign any legal documents stating that and later come to find out that all of us were squatting in that house so we didn't see the point of paying her rent. Instead Saul fixed the hole in the ceiling. Missy was illegally paying the water bill and my husband was able to get the electric bill in his name and I handled the trash bill.
I wasn't sure what was happening between my husband and I, but I sensed it wasn't good for he was staying out a lot while I waited for him in bed. A few nights Saul and Missy would stay up late talking and it really upset me because I would be waiting in bed fuming that he was having an affair. In fact, I was beginning not to even care anymore because someone else was creeping into my heart and consuming my mind. I really wasn't sure how to make any sense of it, I just came to the conclusion that the heart know's what it wants. It still didn't seem right falling in love with my husbands brother, but it is not like Saul really loved me anymore for his actions were telling me so.
On this day Missy got up in my face. She crossed a boundary with me and started acting as if she was my mother claiming that, "This is my house."
I told her, "Listen, this is our house and I am a grown woman who can do what she pleases. I don't have to take orders from you."
At this time I had company. My neighbor and her child were in the backyard with me and Missy was standing in between the sliding glass door. Missy turned around grabbing the wooden chair and throws it at me almost hitting the child in the face aside of me. Luckily, I caught the chair in time and set it down.
I said, "You crazy bitch! I am out of here."
"let's go over to your house." I said to my neighbor.
Then Missy states, "Oh no you won't "
She was trying to hold us up against our will as she stood in between the sliding glass doorway.
Missy was a heavy set woman in her forties it really didn't take too much to topple her over and make her lose her balance.
Missy was a heavy set woman in her forties it really didn't take too much to topple her over and make her lose her balance.
I said, "Then I will just have to go through you."
I nudged her over to the side with my shoulder and she backed up into the table and we left the premises. Then I text messaged Saul to let him know what happened. I told Saul about all the times Missy had flipped out on us, and that the situation was escalating. I also informed him of the borderline abuse that I witnessed between her and our kids and that I felt we should put a restraining order against her.
Saul took her defense and said, "If it were not for her we wouldn't have a place to live."
I said, "True, but we need to protect ourselves because she is acting crazy lately."
So when Saul came home I left him with the kid's and went to my friends house to talk it over with them and get a second opinion about the restraining order. Also to avoid another confrontation with Missy and calm my nerves.
B: Missy has got into your head. She has more to lose than us we are safe. Hear me out.
Saul: Nobody gets in my head I cannot leave the kids behind. You need grow up and stop using that shit.
B: We are around the corner for 10 min. Just give me 10 min.
Saul: No don't ask me again.
B: See why do you want to gang up on me and take her side. I wish we could work out our differences and stay a united front.
Saul: No.
B:This bitch has no idea who she is fucking with. Mrs. Solorzano is rowdy now. She is not fucking with my livelihood.
Saul: ok.
B: We have children. She picked up a chair and tried to hit me with it right next to a child and his mother.
Saul: ok we will but i need to find out is your idea.
B: Just want to hear you out. Get your take on the situation.
Saul: What?
B: Come get me.
Saul: You can come i m in bed.
B: Aren't you going to protect me from the boheeva?
Open the door
Plz
Saul: yup
05/12/2015
B: Missy has got into your head. She has more to lose than us we are safe. Hear me out.
Saul: Nobody gets in my head I cannot leave the kids behind. You need grow up and stop using that shit.
B: We are around the corner for 10 min. Just give me 10 min.
Saul: No don't ask me again.
B: See why do you want to gang up on me and take her side. I wish we could work out our differences and stay a united front.
Saul: No.
B:This bitch has no idea who she is fucking with. Mrs. Solorzano is rowdy now. She is not fucking with my livelihood.
Saul: ok.
B: We have children. She picked up a chair and tried to hit me with it right next to a child and his mother.
Saul: ok we will but i need to find out is your idea.
B: Just want to hear you out. Get your take on the situation.
Saul: What?
B: Come get me.
Saul: You can come i m in bed.
B: Aren't you going to protect me from the boheeva?
Open the door
Plz
Saul: yup
05/12/2015
That should have been my first clue that one abuser will always back up another abuser. I just thought being my husband and making a vow to protect your wife and family must have meant something to him. Apparently I was wrong.
I decided to push the restraining order. Saul and I dropped the subject and agreed to disagree. We went about our daily life. Today Jr. was having more health issues. I took him to the ENT for a checkup and he had a double ear infection and needed antibiotics.
B: I just dropped off Liam script they said it will take an hour so I am going home to put Jr. For nap.
I decided to push the restraining order. Saul and I dropped the subject and agreed to disagree. We went about our daily life. Today Jr. was having more health issues. I took him to the ENT for a checkup and he had a double ear infection and needed antibiotics.
B: I just dropped off Liam script they said it will take an hour so I am going home to put Jr. For nap.
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Chapter 37- B's Letter To Primo.....
4/15/2015
Letter sent to Primo in jail from B confessing her love to him.
Dear Darling,
Ginza J Balvin.....yo bailar papi.
Good morning my love.
I wish I knew if u were happy or ok. Please reach out to me babe so I can have an idea how my luv is doing. BTW can you please take Izzy to see the new Angry Birds movie when it comes out he really wants to go see it? I appreciate u more than u could ever imagine. Have a blessed day my king.
We need some time alone to explore each others hearts.....I want u to feel how strong my heart beats for you and if I can hear ur heart beating back. Show me u have the courage. I will be soft and gentle with you. I won't say a peep, as long as u promise not to laugh at the wimpering and heavy breathing. I might whisper sweet nothings in your ear, I can find plenty else to do with my mouth other than speak. I am pretty passionate at kissing. I have the whole loft upstairs. That's where I am. The garage door will b open for u. Park inside. The door will b unlocked. I love you regardless. I always have and I always will, whether or not you care doesn't change my love for you. I'm stuck. So I lie in this bed all alone by myself with just my teddy to keep me company. I wish it were my man that warms my heart instead of this lifeless animal. I'll take whatever I can get for now until I can get the next best thing....nothing compares to u. U will b mine .......I can feel it....u being into me. Honestly, I don't want to own u really. I just wish to b ur one and only, ALWAYS and forever to the depths of our souls....I just need to make love...and create passion when I am with you. I hope u are on your way to me....my heart has been longing.
I feel ur touch in my dreams...can't u feel my heart beat still? I can't let u go...I want you in my life. Your arms are my castle , your heart is the sky. U make me right when I am torn. I need u to finish my thoughts, I am nothing without u, but I am sure that together we are invincible and I want to shut down all the hype with you. I am focusing on peace and tranquility in our world. Although we are wild ones together we can be tamer if u let me take u home and break u in....running with Primo I'm on the prowl.
Please just let me love you. We can go everywhere, do anything, see whatever u want to see, or let it go for tonight. I need some direction . I'm lost without u. It turns me on when u speed in reverse. I luv when u move fast, but honey I think u must have lost ur edge cuz lately u have been hitting the breaks and not making any moves. How come? Has no one told u yet, that anything ur heart desires is impossible? Pinch me for I know this is reality and I am not dreaming. I am very much aware, I am in the same state as u. You never cease to amaze me. I know u still have it in you. Cum babycakes, cum 2 mami. Some love and attention, your time, your thoughts, your touch, your taste. Just share with me everything there is to know about you and what it is that fascinates u about me. Can we be into eachother just once? Can u just let down your fortress that you have built around you and just let me dwell in there for a minute so I can breathe, cuz right about now I feel like I am drowning.
I know you don't trust me for the way we started our journey was all off. I know we were meant 4 eachother. I know I need you and I believe you need me too. Your brother says that you could never love me because you don't have a heart. You can't even love yourself. Do you think what he says is true?
Deep in my heart I know he is wrong. You just have a hard time believing in yourself. Lately I have been feeling that way myself. I have been so depressed and in limbo for years now. I KNOW you have too. Why do you think that is? Perhaps we can start out with a clean slate.
I don't think I can be your sister or friend anymore, that is probably what you want anyway. I know all this sounds so crazy. Believe me I have tried to analyze over and over and all I can come up with is that love makes people do and say the crazziest things sometimes because you want to be in control of the situation so bad, but it is really up to the other person when the ball is in the others court, and I am dying inside because you are not writing me back. Please I need some answers from you.
I hate to say it, but it is time that we both rise above our past. I need to develop my forgettery and stop being melancholy and develop a new way of pushing toward our future together. If we r ever to move forward we need to forgive one another and move forward.
I forgive you Primo. Yes you have hurt me in the past many times, but I am pretty sure it was unintentionally because u didn't understand my deep feelings for you. Now that everything is out in the open I am aware u have spared my feeling's in so many circumstances for you are aware of how sensitive I am especially concerning what you think about me. That right there has to show you how gaurded you are towards me. You have always tried to protect me. That's why I love you and need u in my life, to guide me and keep me safe and out of trouble. Just look at the mess I have made since u have been gone. I am a hot mess.
I would like to start over with a clean slate as if we are meeting for the first time. I no longer know the old you and you don't know me. I am no longer going to give u clues or answers cuz u already know how I feel. I am just going to wait and see what you do now. No calls, no surprise visits, or letters. Just temperance and patience until u decide for yourself what your heart needs. That's really all I can do for I have proved to you what my heart has in store for you. Our journey has not begun as of yet you have been distant like a shooting star. I have been playful like a clown. Niether of us has taken the initiative to commit because honestly papi, I want this to be my happily ever after for the long haul. A soul searching love with depth and substance. No more game's or disappointments. Just faithfully devoted loyalty, trust, and commitment. I will wait however long I have to wait till we feel we are both prepared and ready. I don't want to put label's on our partnership but appreciate you for being the man in my life who appreciates who I am and how I care for us, the Lord, our home, and our family.
Now I am alone praying that you have listened to my pleas for love. I will still love u from afar, and miss you every day you will just not know about it anymore. Just seek me out and find me. Your going to have to courtship me though. Win me over because I am not going to know you the next time we meet. CLEAN SLATE.
Letter sent to Primo in jail from B confessing her love to him.
Dear Darling,
Ginza J Balvin.....yo bailar papi.
Good morning my love.
I wish I knew if u were happy or ok. Please reach out to me babe so I can have an idea how my luv is doing. BTW can you please take Izzy to see the new Angry Birds movie when it comes out he really wants to go see it? I appreciate u more than u could ever imagine. Have a blessed day my king.
We need some time alone to explore each others hearts.....I want u to feel how strong my heart beats for you and if I can hear ur heart beating back. Show me u have the courage. I will be soft and gentle with you. I won't say a peep, as long as u promise not to laugh at the wimpering and heavy breathing. I might whisper sweet nothings in your ear, I can find plenty else to do with my mouth other than speak. I am pretty passionate at kissing. I have the whole loft upstairs. That's where I am. The garage door will b open for u. Park inside. The door will b unlocked. I love you regardless. I always have and I always will, whether or not you care doesn't change my love for you. I'm stuck. So I lie in this bed all alone by myself with just my teddy to keep me company. I wish it were my man that warms my heart instead of this lifeless animal. I'll take whatever I can get for now until I can get the next best thing....nothing compares to u. U will b mine .......I can feel it....u being into me. Honestly, I don't want to own u really. I just wish to b ur one and only, ALWAYS and forever to the depths of our souls....I just need to make love...and create passion when I am with you. I hope u are on your way to me....my heart has been longing.
I feel ur touch in my dreams...can't u feel my heart beat still? I can't let u go...I want you in my life. Your arms are my castle , your heart is the sky. U make me right when I am torn. I need u to finish my thoughts, I am nothing without u, but I am sure that together we are invincible and I want to shut down all the hype with you. I am focusing on peace and tranquility in our world. Although we are wild ones together we can be tamer if u let me take u home and break u in....running with Primo I'm on the prowl.
Please just let me love you. We can go everywhere, do anything, see whatever u want to see, or let it go for tonight. I need some direction . I'm lost without u. It turns me on when u speed in reverse. I luv when u move fast, but honey I think u must have lost ur edge cuz lately u have been hitting the breaks and not making any moves. How come? Has no one told u yet, that anything ur heart desires is impossible? Pinch me for I know this is reality and I am not dreaming. I am very much aware, I am in the same state as u. You never cease to amaze me. I know u still have it in you. Cum babycakes, cum 2 mami. Some love and attention, your time, your thoughts, your touch, your taste. Just share with me everything there is to know about you and what it is that fascinates u about me. Can we be into eachother just once? Can u just let down your fortress that you have built around you and just let me dwell in there for a minute so I can breathe, cuz right about now I feel like I am drowning.
I know you don't trust me for the way we started our journey was all off. I know we were meant 4 eachother. I know I need you and I believe you need me too. Your brother says that you could never love me because you don't have a heart. You can't even love yourself. Do you think what he says is true?
Deep in my heart I know he is wrong. You just have a hard time believing in yourself. Lately I have been feeling that way myself. I have been so depressed and in limbo for years now. I KNOW you have too. Why do you think that is? Perhaps we can start out with a clean slate.
I don't think I can be your sister or friend anymore, that is probably what you want anyway. I know all this sounds so crazy. Believe me I have tried to analyze over and over and all I can come up with is that love makes people do and say the crazziest things sometimes because you want to be in control of the situation so bad, but it is really up to the other person when the ball is in the others court, and I am dying inside because you are not writing me back. Please I need some answers from you.
I hate to say it, but it is time that we both rise above our past. I need to develop my forgettery and stop being melancholy and develop a new way of pushing toward our future together. If we r ever to move forward we need to forgive one another and move forward.
I forgive you Primo. Yes you have hurt me in the past many times, but I am pretty sure it was unintentionally because u didn't understand my deep feelings for you. Now that everything is out in the open I am aware u have spared my feeling's in so many circumstances for you are aware of how sensitive I am especially concerning what you think about me. That right there has to show you how gaurded you are towards me. You have always tried to protect me. That's why I love you and need u in my life, to guide me and keep me safe and out of trouble. Just look at the mess I have made since u have been gone. I am a hot mess.
I would like to start over with a clean slate as if we are meeting for the first time. I no longer know the old you and you don't know me. I am no longer going to give u clues or answers cuz u already know how I feel. I am just going to wait and see what you do now. No calls, no surprise visits, or letters. Just temperance and patience until u decide for yourself what your heart needs. That's really all I can do for I have proved to you what my heart has in store for you. Our journey has not begun as of yet you have been distant like a shooting star. I have been playful like a clown. Niether of us has taken the initiative to commit because honestly papi, I want this to be my happily ever after for the long haul. A soul searching love with depth and substance. No more game's or disappointments. Just faithfully devoted loyalty, trust, and commitment. I will wait however long I have to wait till we feel we are both prepared and ready. I don't want to put label's on our partnership but appreciate you for being the man in my life who appreciates who I am and how I care for us, the Lord, our home, and our family.
Now I am alone praying that you have listened to my pleas for love. I will still love u from afar, and miss you every day you will just not know about it anymore. Just seek me out and find me. Your going to have to courtship me though. Win me over because I am not going to know you the next time we meet. CLEAN SLATE.
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Chapter 35- Dear Lord?
01/01/2015
Dear Lord,
Father I come to you now beseeching your advice about my husband Saul. First and foremost Please forgive him father for he not know what he has done to us...he is sick and twisted when he is under the influence of alcohol. I believe he is an alcoholic and is in need of help. Please, break through his barriers to help him accept his illness and find a way to receive that help so we can continue to be a family. I don't want to lose him. I just would like to see him get better and stop all this violence.
Should I take him back father so I can set him on the right path to getting sober? My children have been asking for their father and it seems rather selfish of me to deny them that right. I feel bad and I want to do the right thing but I am not sure what that is. Please give me a sign and let me know how to proceed...........
I went to church and prayed for a long time and all the messages I received from the spirit were to let him go and learn for himself. I wish I would have listened to my gut. I took him back instead of following my intuition because he was my husband which I made a vow through sickness and health till death do us part and that meant the world to me. I wasn't about to abandon my husband when he was going through such a difficult time in his life. He needed my help, I wasn't going to deny that.
I did appreciate everything he did for this family and how he visited me almost every night I was in the hospital and stood by me when I needed help. He tried his best to be a good provider. He was ok at being a father and husband but at least he tried. Maybe he was not trying his best but was making an effort to change and showing slim improvements which was better than nothing.
When we discussed what changes that needed to be made I set some stipulations that had to be abided in order for us to live together.
First, no alcohol was allowed in the house.
Second, He needed to attend some meetings.
Third, Saul was not allowed to be around the kids when he was drinking so if he ended up intoxicated he was not allowed to come home.
My father has not left us astray but has chosen the word to be revealed.
The Lord anointed my eyes: I went, I washed, I saw and I believed in GOD.
- John 9:11
As Jesus passed by he saw a man blind from birth. His disciple's asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so the works of GOD might be made visible through him. We have to do the works of the one who sent me while it is day. Night is coming when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." When he has said this, he spat on the ground and made clay with the saliva, and smeared the clay on his eyes, and said to him, "Go wash in the pool of Siloam." So he went and washed, and came back able to see. - John 9:1-41
Dear Lord,
Father I come to you now beseeching your advice about my husband Saul. First and foremost Please forgive him father for he not know what he has done to us...he is sick and twisted when he is under the influence of alcohol. I believe he is an alcoholic and is in need of help. Please, break through his barriers to help him accept his illness and find a way to receive that help so we can continue to be a family. I don't want to lose him. I just would like to see him get better and stop all this violence.
Should I take him back father so I can set him on the right path to getting sober? My children have been asking for their father and it seems rather selfish of me to deny them that right. I feel bad and I want to do the right thing but I am not sure what that is. Please give me a sign and let me know how to proceed...........
I went to church and prayed for a long time and all the messages I received from the spirit were to let him go and learn for himself. I wish I would have listened to my gut. I took him back instead of following my intuition because he was my husband which I made a vow through sickness and health till death do us part and that meant the world to me. I wasn't about to abandon my husband when he was going through such a difficult time in his life. He needed my help, I wasn't going to deny that.
I did appreciate everything he did for this family and how he visited me almost every night I was in the hospital and stood by me when I needed help. He tried his best to be a good provider. He was ok at being a father and husband but at least he tried. Maybe he was not trying his best but was making an effort to change and showing slim improvements which was better than nothing.
When we discussed what changes that needed to be made I set some stipulations that had to be abided in order for us to live together.
First, no alcohol was allowed in the house.
Second, He needed to attend some meetings.
Third, Saul was not allowed to be around the kids when he was drinking so if he ended up intoxicated he was not allowed to come home.
My father has not left us astray but has chosen the word to be revealed.
The Lord anointed my eyes: I went, I washed, I saw and I believed in GOD.
- John 9:11
As Jesus passed by he saw a man blind from birth. His disciple's asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so the works of GOD might be made visible through him. We have to do the works of the one who sent me while it is day. Night is coming when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." When he has said this, he spat on the ground and made clay with the saliva, and smeared the clay on his eyes, and said to him, "Go wash in the pool of Siloam." So he went and washed, and came back able to see. - John 9:1-41
Chapter 34- A Not So Merry X-Mas
12-15-2014
At this point in
time we decided to move in with Missy due to health issues in our last
apartment and rental problems. Missy and Saul were having arguments as well,
but as long as he gave her money she seemed to get over it. Missy was all about
her money. She liked to be up in the middle of our relationship too, which I
did not like. Ever since that time I ended up in the hospital it seemed like
Missy and Saul had a secret agenda behind my back. Now I feel like I know
exactly what that agenda was. I always thought they were having an affair, but I
didn't care. I didn't care about Saul’s affairs anymore. I had fallen out of
love with him.
The holidays were
approaching so that meant Saul was starting to drink more often. There was this
night in particular right before Christmas Saul came home from work early
already intoxicated. I asked him if he lost his job. He just boasted that they
had a party at work and everybody got to go home early. He was being a jerk
about me questioning him. I told him, "listen I am your wife, don't you
think I have a right to know?" Saul was quite a spit fire, in a fit he
ended up putting a hole in the wall.
I walked away from
him to deescalate the situation and he follows me. The baby begins to cry
because of all the yelling and Saul picks up my two year old baby by the head
of his hair. My poor baby lets out a blood curdling scream which I can hear
throughout my nightmares. My baby is scared of his father.
I snap and attack my
husband to defend my baby,
"Put him down, he is just a baby, you’re
hurting him."
Saul pushes me back against the bunk bed and starts pounding
me in the head with his fists. I do my best to protect myself by clawing my
nails into him, but I am not a man I have no control. My oldest son jumps on
Saul to try and protect me as my son is thrown into the dresser breaking it.
That's when Saul stopped and saw the destruction he caused. It was like history
repeating itself and he doesn't even know what is happening. That's when I knew
we have to get out of here.
I scooped up my
crying baby in my arms as he was clinging tightly to my chest I was telling
him,
"Shhhh…..Its ok baby, mommy is going to get us out of here."
I
didn't think twice about grabbing a thing, not even shoes. I just wanted to
remove my child from any danger so I stepped outside while the pavement was
cold and wet I was barefoot. The rain was trickling down as I fastened my baby
in his car seat and I entered my vehicle, finally a moment of silence. I started
to think, what do I need? That way I zone in and get what I need as to avoid
him then get out. The baby needs a bottle, blanket, so he is comfortable and
first I need to check on my other son to make sure he is ok, my phone, my
purse, and my keys.
I go in and see
that he is talking with my son so I take this quick opportunity to grab all the
things I need. First the bottle, blanket, and go back out to the car. The baby
is ok I give him the bottle and blanket. Then I check my purse. Where is my
phone and keys? He took them. That bastard is keeping us against our will.
Where is the key? I didn't want to jump to conclusions but I know I had them
both in my purse. I had to go back in to find them.
As I went back in
I had a good look around the whole house. I tore the place apart and all of a
sudden an anxiety attack started to set in. I confronted Saul and he had Pat in
his arms acting like nothing ever happened.
I asked Pat, "Are you all
right baby?"
Pat shook his head.
I said, "come here."
I looked him over
real quick to make sure he wasn't bleeding, he had a huge bruise on his back,
then I told him to go out to the car with his brother.
I asked Saul,
"Where are my keys? I know you hid them give them to me now."
Saul
just pretended like he didn't know what I was talking about and helped me look
for them. As we both searched the house he asked me what was wrong and I told
him that if he did not find my keys that he was going to be the one leaving once I called the police.
He didn't seem to
understand.
I told him again. "If you don't give me my phone and key's
immediately I am kicking you out for good. I can't live like this anymore. You
want to take your aggression out on these kids you have another thing coming.
Don't you dare even go where they’re? You know what! Just get the fuck out!"
So Saul left, but
before he did I found my stuff after he planted it.
12/25/2014
That Christmas was
so refreshing. It was the first one that was all about the kid's opening their
gifts and having fun. Nobody was drinking or being loud and stupid for once. It
was peaceful and cheerful. Everyone was happy. No Saul. Granted I haven't spent
the past two Christmas's with my boys but at least the last one I did spend
with them I know we will never forget because I made sure that it was extra
special just for my boys. No one was going to ruin our Christmas this year my
loves, especially not Saul.
Pat wore Oscar the
grouch pj's and Jr kept trying to eat the tootsie rolls with the wrappers on. I
even had on a pj set. We all did. Jr loved his bike helmet so much he didn't
want to take it off. It was a project trying to teach him how to open gifts. He
really didn't get it. He was only two years old but it was hilariousness when
Pat scared him with the dinosaur he got. We all laughed. Pat is such an awesome
older brother. I wonder if Jr still follows him around like he used to? I miss
my boys. I don't even know anything about them now thanks to Saul and DCF.
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Chapter 32- Going Under Water
02/16/2013
I was struggling
with Post Par-tum Depression, grieving, PTSD, and taking medication I shouldn't
have been prescribed.
I was sinking
emotionally. I begged my mother to stay because I knew I couldn't handle being
by myself with the baby, Pat, and with a broken ankle. I was right. Saul was
working days and nights. He barely came home at all. Not even on our wedding
anniversary that just passed and although I know it might have been a test it
was a cruel test at that and I don't think that I passed.
Like I said I was
left alone all day with the baby and I was begging for some help so I bribed
Primo to come over to keep me company. I must confess it was a relief not to be
alone. At one point I took it upon myself to lay my head on his chest because
that's where I felt secure with my ear to his heart always. Personally I could
stay like that forever; Primo on the other hand always had to take it to the next
level. Like a knight he swept me up in his arms with my cast on taking me to my
room he had his way with me so like I said monthly visits... test failed. What
is it about this man?
Later that day I
stumbled, lost my balance and fell. I called out for Primo to help me. No
answer, but Jr. crawls over to me. I call again, no response. Jr. lies on my
chest we both cry out for help finally Primo comes and I tell him my problem.
He doesn't seem to care and walks out the door. What is going on? I’m hurting
here.... do you not care? Isn't that why you were here in the first place to
help me? What just happened is that you walked out of my life when I needed you
most, if this is going to be a common trend then what good are you? When the
going gets tough that is when you must stick it through so people feel that
they can rely on you. The most rewarding people in our lives never come to us easily;
strong ties require a lot of patience, compassion, and hard work.
As I waited for Saul
that night depression set in, I felt myself sinking, I wanted to give up and
let go. I was in the tub and that's what I felt myself doing....I was drowning
and I told myself I am coming to you nana. I was looking through the water I
broke through and nana reminded me that Jr. still needed me.
When I got out of
the tub I put on my robe and Saul came home in a fit of rage. He was giving me
hell about the baby not having a diaper, about this, about that, just picking a
fight like he always does and then punches my Aunt Patty's picture and breaks
it. I ran to the bathroom scared now justifying all my reasons for wanting to
die and I proceeded by taking all of the pills I owned. I cried and listened to
every one of his insults as they penetrated throughout my brain like a broken
record and I thought, I'm finally shutting you off mother fucker.
I could only
assume that Primo had told him. When I approached him out of the bathroom I said, "Why did you punch my deceased godmother's picture?" and he replied, "I don't like the way she smiled at me." I said, "She was smiling for the picture and that was the only picture I had of her. Your cruel man. I know that punch was intended for me?" Saul
was still in an irate mood claiming he wants a divorce. I told him what I had
done in the bathroom.
I said, "Don't you worry about a divorce I’ll be dead before you know
it." He didn't believe me.
I told him, "If you don't call someone I’m
going to die."
Saul said, "Your full of shit"
After I thought
about it and realized this is not what I really wanted. What I really wanted
was to be loved and get attention, but not like this. This was just a cry for
help. So I picked up the
phone and I dialed my therapist. She answered and asked me if I was alone and
asked to speak with my husband.
My therapist told Saul, "If you don't hang
up and call 911 your wife is going to die."
Saul replied, "Understood
will do."
Then Saul hung up and started yelling at me more, not doing a
damn thing to save me. Thank GOD I was coherent enough to call 911 myself so I
could save my own life because my husband was going to let me die.
After that moment I NEVER
gave him the satisfaction of breaking me down like that ever again, I realized then he wasn't worth my life.
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Challenged (Revolution Lyrics) By, B'onnie
CHALLENGED
Pop
& Blues
By,
B’ onnie
To A duel,
People will make fun of you.
Because you are different doesn’t make you less
perfect.
You can overcome,
Whether you can’t hear or see
Your brain just works differently than mine you see
Challenged its true
But we’ll pull through
I wish you could walk like me
Stop, fall, and shake, or seize
Don’t live in fear
Just be grateful for life
Just look what you got
Because you got it all
It is just a challenge my dear.
I know it’s hard
Things don’t come easily
You struggle to hold down a job
People don’t see the pain you feel
You can overcome
Whether you are mute or deaf
Your falling apart at the seams it appears
Challenging it’s true
But you’ll pull through
I wish you could breathe like me
Missing all of your limbs you see
It could be worse
Just be grateful for your life
Look what you got!
Because you got it all…..Your just special my dear.
Chapter 31- Grand Mal Seizures
05/05/13
A year after I had
Jr. My mom came to visit for his birthday and christening.
We had his christening at our family church in Clearwater at St. Catherine of Siena and I wanted my Aunt Mary to be Junior's godmother, but Saul thought it would be more appropriate for us to have a friend of the family be the godmother instead. Little did I know that this was a tactic to isolate us from our surrounding family. I want to apologize to my Aunt Mary for allowing this man to ever come between us. From the bottom of my heart you were always there for me before..... I'm truly sorry that I didn't fight on your behalf. I know now I should have.
Saul and I also
found it appropriate to make Primo the godfather. In all faith the LORD works
in mysterious ways. I didn't think Papitio was going to make it to the ceremony
that day, but he showed up all dressed in black. He certainly stood out as the
black sheep, but seemed honored to be a part of this experience. There was no
doubt in my mind that I could count on Primo to stand up and be an excellent
example of a father to my children. I guess I had more faith in him then he had
in himself. Deeply indebted I was his biggest cheerleader, always inconspicuously
cheering him on in the sidelines. Saul hated it. He used to say things to me like,
"Your sweet Primo is coming over." As time went by I guess my
feelings grew, it became harder to hide, and this became more obvious to people. I tried to suppress
those feelings and bottle them up. I even tried despising Primo, and I know he
did the same with me to, but the harder I tried the deeper I fell.
Brie, she rented a hotel room with a beautiful view of Clearwater Beach at Pier 60. Of course Saul was working on getting plastered. It was Cinco de Mayo and he had just gotten his anklet removed from his DUI sentence. The first thing he does is takes off with Brie's rental car intoxicated to go get more booze. Pat, Brie, Primo, and I were having the time of our lives undergoing pillow fights and unaware of Saul’s agenda. I wish I could capture that moment in time, we were smiling, laughing, and a happy family. Times like these become rare nowadays. Primo was so sweet, he took it upon himself to swipe some cross earrings as a gift for Junior’s Christening present. It was thoughtful and we still have them in his keepsake box to this day. I am a sucker when it comes to memorabilia. Only because I know there will come a day where I am bound to forget it all.
Brie, she rented a hotel room with a beautiful view of Clearwater Beach at Pier 60. Of course Saul was working on getting plastered. It was Cinco de Mayo and he had just gotten his anklet removed from his DUI sentence. The first thing he does is takes off with Brie's rental car intoxicated to go get more booze. Pat, Brie, Primo, and I were having the time of our lives undergoing pillow fights and unaware of Saul’s agenda. I wish I could capture that moment in time, we were smiling, laughing, and a happy family. Times like these become rare nowadays. Primo was so sweet, he took it upon himself to swipe some cross earrings as a gift for Junior’s Christening present. It was thoughtful and we still have them in his keepsake box to this day. I am a sucker when it comes to memorabilia. Only because I know there will come a day where I am bound to forget it all.
01/04/2014
We went to the
Hard Rock Casino in Tampa FL. I was the designated driver because I was never
much of a drinker.
I was all dressed
up to the hilt with my high heeled brown suede boots, and my sweater dress. We
decided to stop at the Steak N Shake to grab a bite to eat on the way home. My
mom was blasting the heat and I kept telling her that I was feeling
claustrophobic, the whole ride I couldn't breathe and my palms were getting all
sweaty. After we ordered our food I thought it best to step out of the vehicle
to catch a breather. Suddenly I felt nauseous and I ran over to the trash
receptacle to vomit, but I ended up swallowing it instead. As I made my way back
over to the car I lost consciousness and fell off the side of the car like a
sack of potatoes.
My mom said I was
convulsing and having a Grand Mal Seizure. When I opened my eyes I was staring
up at the stars and didn't recognize my mom at first. I must have hit the back
of my head pretty hard when I fell, and bit my lip because I was bleeding. When they
tried to help me up I couldn't budge because my ankle was broken.
I didn't know
until that evening that I was even epileptic. Little had I had known about
Epilepsy at all until I had done some research on it. I was stunned to learn
about my results.
As my mom drove me
to get my EEG she was ridiculing me about not remembering the name of the
building it was in. After a seizure my brain is like moosh. It is like
reverting back to thinking like a child and slowly has to catch up. When she
found out that the name of the building had her same maiden name she was like,
"Seriously B? You couldn't remember that? Yeah, something must be
seriously wrong." It is a scary thing when your mind start's slipping on
you.
First I found out
that the drugs I had been taking may have caused my seizures. I should have never been
on such meds to begin with, but due to medical malpractice and negligence I was
exposed to many ignorant people who thought they knew what was best for me. Unfortunately, Directions For Living did not feel the need to consult in others to find out about my medical history, like my
children are suffering with at this moment due to parental alienation.
Second, Epilepsy
can be hereditary and triggered commonly by high intense over stimulated
sensory neurons in the brain. These chemical malfunctions are triggered due to
extreme trauma, temperatures, sounds, and vibrations. These can all play
factors, but basically people with Epilepsy are just more sensitive to their
surroundings than most other people, which commonly can make them highly
intuitive then most people.
There may even be
a theory to a connection tying domestic violence and the survival instinct of
the brain, especially when the abuser is using constant excessive force to the
head over long extended periods of time, this is currently being researched
into the domain of Epilepsy functioning. Epilepsy in fact is the body's way of
showing us a malfunctioning survival mechanism. Even dead bodies have this capability to develop nervous twitching which is proof that the brain is still developing slow progression of shutting down.
In past history it
was known as demonic, or possession, and many times misunderstood. In history people
were often hung, thrown in prison, hospitalized, decapitated, and stoned for
having Epilepsy.
As time has gone
by and we have discovered that it is just a medical condition that can be
cured, now advancements in technology, as well as medicine has taught us
that many can live a very fulfilling lifestyle with Epilepsy, with the
help and support of other's almost anything is possible.
You realize what a
cold and dark world we live in, when your all alone to fend for yourself, and
everyone has turned their back on you. Even the people you have truly loved and
admired your whole life turn out to be traitor's. My biggest fear has been just knowing that I no longer have their support, and in reality knowing that I don’t have anybody.
I try not to anticipate that I am going to have that one seizure, at the wrong place and time; that is going to set me back and put me out.
Lights out B, Who are you?
All that I have written will be completely erased; my past, present, future, hopes, dreams, and inspirations, as if they never existed. What will be left over I can't even imagine? That is what scares me about being Epileptic most of all.
I try not to anticipate that I am going to have that one seizure, at the wrong place and time; that is going to set me back and put me out.
Lights out B, Who are you?
All that I have written will be completely erased; my past, present, future, hopes, dreams, and inspirations, as if they never existed. What will be left over I can't even imagine? That is what scares me about being Epileptic most of all.
Fear is a human reaction, but I am not going to let it hinder me
from living my life with my children. Knowing that I may not have as much time in this world as many others, has infused me to want to be close to my children
even more, but someone is holding us back. That's why I write this today, so that we may never forget where my children came from. How devoted I was to protecting them,
and how much I love them a whole bunch.
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