Chapter 41- The Truth Comes Out

05/29/2015

I told Saul the truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me GOD. I told him how I had fallen in love with Primo. 

Saul said, "Primo won't ever love you. He doesn't even have a heart. He doesn't even know how to love himself." 

Saul was just trying to deter me from following my heart. I knew deep down Primo had a big heart and I know he loved himself more than he probably should. Whether he was capable of loving me, well I was determined to find out the truth. I was free to just being me. I felt so good for once, like I was finally living my life to its true potential. I was so happy that I was floating on cloud 9, and Primo was being released from jail in 3 more days, and I couldn't wait to tell him in person how I really felt.

06/03/2015

I crawled out of bed and I left that morning knowing that Primo was going to be released from jail in just a few hours. I couldn't sleep anyway because I was feeling anxious. I just wanted to see him really and give him a huge hug. I still wasn't really sure about telling him how much I loved him, but I figuered that would come out in due time. It was 5am and I was hoping he would get out before 7am when the kids got ready for school, but Primo didn't. Later that day I found out that his father picked him up.

I hurried to get the boys off to school and then rushed home to get all dressed up for Primo to see me. He answered the door and I believe he likey. I was wearing my silk dress and white heels with the gold trim. He seemed to be tired so he layed back down on the couch. I had absolutely no inhibitions any longer for now I was a free woman. I layed right on top of him and I told him that I missed him. He held me and I know this caught him off gaurd a bit. He finally had a chance to smell  me and feel my body once again. Primo started to get a hard on. Then I smelled him and he did not smell very good so I told him, 

B: "Primo you stink. Go wash your ass and lets get out of here and go shopping." 

He jumped up got all excited and went in the shower. I followed him and kept talking to him as he took a shower. I asked him, 

B: "Did you get my letters?" 

Primo stated he did and said,

Primo: "Yeah B, what was that all about?" 

Then I mentioned,

B: "I was bored and I really really missed you. Why didn't you write back?" 

Primo said, "B I can't write, but I can draw. I'll show you as soon as I get out." 

As he said that I dropped my dress down to the floor and told him that, 

B: "I've been working out just for you. How do I look babe, I dropped 20 lbs?"

Then I opened the shower curtain to see his body all wet, soapy, and dripping from his biceps. He was so totally hot and showing me a nice view of his cute little buns. I twirled around so he could get a good view of my bum as well. Then I got back to being dressed allowing him to finish up his shower and stew for a few minutes about what he just saw. It didn't take him long. When he walked out he instantly made me a proposition saying,

Primo: "I will fuck you if you buy me a phone. " I retorded, 

B:"No thank you, you would fuck me either way you dog!" 

He was trying really hard to be convincing by telling me, 

Primo: "No really B let's go. Right here, right now." 

I said,

B: "Really dude? On your parents bed. No way!" 

Then I changed the subject. Now looking back I should have went for it, but I didn't want to seem too easy. I like teasing and being chased.

I filled Primo in on a new business proposition that I had for him. I wanted to go all in with just him 50/50. I started a website platform called Boston Auto Detailing and spent $100 on the flyers. I was starting to network and make connections. Unfortunately, all that time, money, and patience was wasted because we never got it up and running.

Then we went food shopping. I could tell he was undressing me with his eyes and I told him to get whatever he wanted. Mistakenly another customer thought we were a couple and he called me babe. I had an instant flashback of when we were together before and I had to run around looking for a bathroom because I was pregnant. It was almost like we were picking up right where we had left off. As we approached the checkout counter he noticed my card. He was like, 

Primo: "B what's that?" 

It had his last name on it. I told him, 

B: "Food stamp's." 

It must have all of a sudden dawned on him that my last name was Sanchez because I was still married to his brother and that I had no money, but only food stamps. Which was true for I spent my last dollar paying off his lawyer and stocking up his canteen in jail.

There was a possibility that he had been contemplating about me getting divorced, but in my mind I was thinking what the fuck is the point if I am just going to turn around and be with him? At least then I can still carry his name and we won't even have to get married and it would be an easy fix just change the first name on the marriage certificate we won't even have to pay a dime if we wish. Too funny, but true.

Then after we got back to the house who shows up walking through the door but Saul. Saul start's to bitch me out, 

Saul: "What are you doing here?" 

I said, 

B: "What does it look like? I'm seeing Primo." As I said that Primo stood up and walked into the other room. 

Saul said, "Well this is my parents house and your not allowed to be here. My brother should not have let you in." 

I told Saul, 

B: "Why because you say so? Well he did because he is his own man and makes his own decisions and is not an asshole like you. It is a free country mano. I don't know who the hell you think you are. Right Primo?" 

Primo stated, "I am out of this B." 

I said, B: "No, no, no, no, no you my friend are very much a part of this I think it is about time we all sit down and discussed exactly what we all should have said a long time ago."

Primo changed the subject by showing off his drawings. The first drawing I saw was of me, but he quickly covered it up so Saul didn't see it. I briefly caught a glimpse of it remembering a photo of me that I sent him in jail. I was really glad he used me as one of his muises, that was really sweet and made me feel super special. I wish I could have looked at it a little bit longer, but I understood what he was trying to do.

Primo then asked, "What is going on between you two?" 

I answered, 

B: "I broke it off with your brother a few days ago." 

Primo said, "What , but why?" 

Saul retorded, "What, you haven't heard yet? She is in love with you mano." 

I mumbled, 

B: "Just terrific! This is not exactly the way I intended to tell him."

B pushed, "Please, spare me. Let's not beat around the bush like the both of you didn't know. Enough with the games, you have both been playing me for a very long time let's put all the cards on the table like the grown adults we are for everyone to see. I am sick of lying to myself and everyone else. Let's stop sneaking around and be honest with eachother." 

Then B directed her attention towards Saul, 

B: "Saul I never meant to hurt you, but you know that it is no surprise that I have slept with your brother. First of all you knew about it from the beginning  11 years ago  and acted like you forgave me, then threw it in my face every second you had a chance." 

Then she directed her attention to Primo 

B: "Primo you picked up the brunt of making me happy where your brother was lacking it was like having the best of both worlds. If I could put you both into one body you would be the perfect man for me."

Then Saul started fucking around with our heads saying, 

Saul: "OK what do you want? You want the both of us? You want to have a threesome?" 

I was like, 

B:"Serious Saul? Nevermind, I need a drink I'm outta here." I looked over to Primo and said, "Are you coming?" 

Of course Saul had to add himself to the equation which made it virtually impossible to get Primo to myself. Then I asked the question, 

B: "Babe?" 

and they both answered. 

Shit! 

All of a sudden it dawned on me that I have to give Primo his very own nickname. I thought about it and named him babycakes because I love him like a fat kid loves cake. I also want my cake and ice cream, and I like to get to eat it too. Oh no, what did I get myself into? Well it is too late now. What's done is done and there is no turning back.

This I am regrettfully telling you now was the biggest mistake of my life getting involved with two brothers at the same time. My karmic debt has been paid. It's over. 

LET HIM GO. (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by B' onnie

May 2015

 

LET HIM GO

Let him go, let him go

It is time to let him go

It is evident he don't need you

Or want you so

You need to 

Let him go

He broke your heart

So ease your pain

And relinquish 

Thoughts in your brain

You don't have to wallow in pain

Sometimes life may seem so mundane

So take your time 

And let him go

You tell yourself

That he'll be there

But in fact he really don't care

What did I do

For you to hate me so?

Other than loving you

So let him

Go.

Feel free to listen to this song with instrumentals behind it on SoundCloud.com- Boston B'onnie Audette. Thanx 4 listening n caring. This song goes out to my soon to be 

x-husband that proves 2 me day by day that he never really gave a shit about me to begin with, so why should I even care so much? I guess I was the better person in the relationship since I showed a lot more compassion then most people would have. 

Chapter 40- Finally Being Honest With Myself

05/14/2015

Even though Saul had no intention of protecting the kids and I. I still tried to appease him and be a good wife.

B:Your lunch is in the microwave.
 Jr. and I have an appointment.

Saul: Ok thanks.

05/15/2015

Saul never showed up home again and he had the car. Jr. was running a fever and I was starting to worry.

B:Are you coming home? When?

05/16/2015 12:34am

Saul: I'm ok, papa still buz if not i will take cab home or stay here. The scooter is at my job.

B: Right. I think we need to take Jr. to children's.

Saul: ok right now. All he wants dada.

B: No these bumps are spreading from his mouth out. I think he has mumps.

Saul: What are mumb?

B: Measles

Saul: ok, he will be fine, all need it medicine.

05/18/2015
Well the medicine didn't work.
Saul took Jr. to the hospital with his parent's because now he was beginning to worry, Jr's condition seemed to be getting worse. They set us up with a gastroentologist.

B: babe where are you?

Saul: I'm with my parents at the hospital.

B: Can you stop and get some charcoal or a few of those things from the $1 store. I would like to grill some food for dinner tonight.

Today Saul decided to stay at his parent's with Jr., Pat stayed over his friends house, and I was all alone. Tonight I decided to go for a ride on the scooter to clear my head. It was a beautiful night so I went to the park down the street to stare up at the full moon. I prayed upon the moon and thought of poor primo locked up in that cell. I felt his aura around me and telepathically talked to him in my mind.

For a moment I felt his presence and heard him talking back. It was genuine and sweet. I explained to him what was happening in my life and how alone I felt by being with his brother. I wished that he be there beside me, chillin with me again, and I wished he was my man. Tears started to fall onto my cheeks all of a sudden I felt him loving and soothing me. Then I got nervous about this energy because I have never experienced it before. It was really strange.

I jumped on my scooter and rode home. Then all of a sudden I felt a butterfly feeling in my heart and then a sexual urge ran down through my stomach and in between my legs that was so intense that I had to pull over to get my bearings again. I was like, "What in the world was that? Is that you Primo? Are you here now? This is crazy, but I kind of liked it. I love you." Then I thought to myself could this be true love? This doesn't make any sense at all.

05/29/2015

Saul: I'm going to the shop with my dad.

B: I'm sitting at home alone once again.

Saul: on my way home babe.

B: Sure.......whatever. Don't bother if you're wasted. I can pick you up.

Saul: no i m not wasted.

B: what happened? poor daddy. Are you going to be ok to drive?

Saul:Yea i just gave him a massage he is sleeping tight. No punieta.

That night Saul did make it home and he was in the mood to have sex. The whole time I closed my eyes and pretended I was making love to Primo and it was amazing. After we were done Saul looked deeply into my eyes and told me, "Wow babe I was really feeling you tonight. What got into you?" I was confused but I knew what it was. In my mind I was making love to the wrong man and I felt terrible about lying to him but I told him, "I have no idea."

Although I did have an idea I just didn't know exactly how to explain it to myself, let alone to anybody else. I had a whole night and day to think about it. I thought long and hard about how many years I have been having these feelings for Primo and how this has come about. I had to be honest with myself and come to the realization that I have loved him at first sight but have subdued these feelings for 11 long years.

I had fooled both him and myself, making him believe that I was against him so it would push him away because I was afraid of loving him. I knew he was afraid to love me back too because when I professed my love to him before I married Saul he told me he didn't love me, and that is why I married Saul. Primo said he didn't have love for me and I needed to get over him. After, all of his actions proved to me that it was not true. I tried dispising him so I wouldn't fall in love with him, but the more I pushed the harder it became. No matter how hard I tried to fight it the more inevitable it caught up to me that there was no use in fighting anymore. The heart has to have what it wants. Who am I to stand in the way of true love?

I drove to church to pray about it. I prayed for an answer to this conundrum. My prayers always get answered and not always in the way I want, but GOD tends to give me what I need. Then I recalled around Christmas time when Saul attacked us. I asked father GOD for an answer then. Could this be the answer now Lord? Did I marry the wrong brother? Maybe I should have given Primo more time to follow his heart.

I know it is not fair to Saul. If we are not making eachother happy why stay together? So many times we have had this conversation and realized that we were in a relationship of complacency. It wasn't fair to either of us. He always told me that if I no longer wanted to be with him to just tell him and then we could seperate as friends, on good terms for the kids sake. Maybe now was the time to do just that. Yet every time I tried that he would just come crawling back and I would take him in, but now I had many more reasons to keep away from him.

One, he was becoming a threat to my children and I. Two, he was financially draining. Three, he has cheated and lied to me on a numerous of occasions which has proven that he doesn't have love for me. Four, he is not willing to protect and defend the kids and I above all else. Five, last but not least my heart was beginning to belong to another. That was my answer, thank you father now I know what I have to do, to be honest with Saul. He deserves to follow his heart and find his true love too. Who am I to stand in the way of true love? I've been longing for 11 years, it was time to go for it and embrace it.

Chapter 39- The Boheeva

05/11/2015

Missy was being a bully. Saul would call her the boheeva. She was insistent about us paying her money even though she was not the rightful owner of the house. I really did appreciated her for letting us move in, but had I known what a bully and a tyrant she was beforehand I would have never let my kid's near her. First impressions led me to believe that she was a good person. Saul and I did agree to pay her rent, but we did not sign any legal documents stating that and later come to find out that all of us were squatting in that house so we didn't see the point of paying her rent. Instead Saul fixed the hole in the ceiling. Missy was illegally paying the water bill and my husband was able to get the electric bill in his name and I handled the trash bill.

I wasn't sure what was happening between my husband and I, but I sensed it wasn't good for he was staying out a lot while I waited for him in bed. A few nights Saul and Missy would stay up late talking and it really upset me because I would be waiting in bed fuming that he was having an affair. In fact, I was beginning not to even care anymore because someone else was creeping into my heart and consuming my mind. I really wasn't sure how to make any sense of it, I just came to the conclusion that the heart know's what it wants. It still didn't seem right falling in love with my husbands brother, but it is not like Saul really loved me anymore for his actions were telling me so.

On this day Missy got up in my face. She crossed a boundary with me and started acting as if she was my mother claiming that, "This is my house." 

I told her, "Listen, this is our house and I am a grown woman who can do what she pleases. I don't have to take orders from you." 

At this time I had company. My neighbor and her child were in the backyard with me and Missy was standing in between the sliding glass door. Missy turned around grabbing the wooden chair and throws it at me almost hitting the child in the face aside of me. Luckily, I caught the chair in time and set it down. 

I said, "You crazy bitch! I am out of here."

"let's go over to your house." I said to my neighbor.  

Then Missy states, "Oh no you won't " 

She was trying to hold us up against our will as she stood in between the sliding glass doorway.

Missy was a heavy set woman in her forties it really didn't take too much to topple her over and make her lose her balance. 

I said, "Then I will just have to go through you." 

I nudged her over to the side with my shoulder and she backed up into the table and we left the premises. Then I text messaged Saul to let him know what happened. I told Saul about all the times Missy had flipped out on us, and that the situation was escalating. I also informed him of the borderline abuse that I witnessed between her and our kids and that I felt we should put a restraining order against her.  

Saul took her defense and said, "If it were not for her we wouldn't have a place to live." 

I said, "True, but we need to protect ourselves because she is acting crazy lately." 

So when Saul came home I left him with the kid's and went to my friends house to talk it over with them and get a second opinion about the restraining order. Also to avoid another confrontation with Missy and calm my nerves.

B: Missy has got into your head. She has more to lose than us we are safe. Hear me out.

Saul: Nobody gets in my head I cannot leave the kids behind. You need grow up and stop using that shit.

B: We are around the corner for 10 min. Just give me 10 min.

Saul: No don't ask me again.

B: See why do you want to gang up on me and take her side. I wish we could work out our differences and stay a united front.

Saul: No.

B:This bitch has no idea who she is fucking with. Mrs. Solorzano is rowdy now. She is not fucking with my livelihood.

Saul: ok.

B: We have children. She picked up a chair and tried to hit me with it right next to a child and his mother.

Saul: ok we will but i need to find out is your idea.

B: Just want to hear you out. Get your take on the situation.

Saul: What?

B: Come get me.

Saul: You can come i m in bed.

B: Aren't you going to protect me from the boheeva?
Open the door
Plz

Saul: yup

05/12/2015

That should have been my first clue that one abuser will always back up another abuser. I just thought being my husband and making a vow to protect your wife and family must have meant something to him. Apparently I was wrong. 

I decided to push the restraining order. Saul and I dropped the subject and agreed to disagree. We went about our daily life. Today Jr. was having more health issues. I took him to the ENT for a checkup and he had a double ear infection and needed antibiotics.

B: I just dropped off Liam script they said it will take an hour so I am going home to put Jr. For nap.