05/19/2012
Soon after I was
able to collect some money to get back to my nana in MA because she needed me
and I needed to be there to care for her.
When I arrived she seemed so vibrant
and full of life and within two weeks she drastically declined. On the last
days of her life I listened to her wail in the middle of the night for the Lord
to relieve her of her pain and it would kill me inside to watch her suffer and
I would pray with her. It was during this time that I found out that I was with
child. My nana prayed over my belly and promised to watch over this child even
after she was gone she promised to be his guardian angel. We lit a candle and
prayed that her journey would be quick and painless.
My nana was a
fighter she always had her wits about her and I knew something was wrong the
following day before her passing when she mistaken my best friend for somebody
else in our family. Then she stopped commenting when we sat and watched General
Hospital. Oh, that was not nana, she always had to comment on her soaps. That's
when I knew she was slipping away. I haven't watched General Hospital since
then because that was our thing.
Hospice came in
that same day and admitted her into the hospital and when they came out of the
room they informed us, "It is time to say your goodbye's she does not have
much time left." Most of us were in denial. Nobody wanted to believe that
she was dying. She was the head commander and chief and without her there would
have been none of us. We know that. The circle of life had made a complete 360.
One passes and another 3 were being born. My cousin Paris just had a baby, my
sister Ashleigh was pregnant, and so was I.
Family came out of
the woodwork and when I say that, I mean they came deep. It was nice to see how
family stuck together during these hard times. My nana was not mother only to
us but also to many other's growing up. She took that role on often and played
it well.
I watched my nana
die. They brought her to the ER and had to put a port in her neck.
Nana wailed, “B stop it! Leave me alone B!"
That was the last time I heard my
Nana call my name or heard her voice and this killed me inside out, because her
last memory was of me torturing her and it wasn't even me that was doing it.
Why? That just made me feel terrible. I just wanted to get them all off of her
and make her better myself, but there was nothing anyone could do. It was too
late. All they could possibly do now was try and make her feel as
comfortable and pain free as possible.
I stood by her
bedside for 3 days and wept and prayed. Other family member's did the same. We
just hated seeing her there so motionless. I was just hoping any minute she was
going to wake up, but she didn't. Her hands were still warm, her skin was still
soft, and her hair was still beautiful. I just knelt on the ground by her bed,
held her hand, and cried for what seemed like hours. I prayed the rosary over
her body, which she taught me, and then said goodbye because I couldn't do it
no more. I was just so tired, hungry, and weak. There was just no more energy
left in me. I gave it all to her and her mission to heaven.
So I went
back to her room at home and lay on her bed and this book fell down from the
top of the closet. This was one of my Nana's spiritual books called,
"Inspirations from GOD". I think she wanted me to have it and since
05/19/2012 I have read it every day.
That night I fell
asleep and woke up finding out about her death the next morning. I do wish I
was there but I know I probably would have had a hard time dealing with it like
I do everything else when I am around a lot of people it just intensifies my
emotions.
Nothing else ever
came easy after that and I felt very disconnected from my family since then
because she was the glue that tied me to them and now we have all fallen apart.
