Chapter 26- Our Wedding Vows.

02/14/2012

On the day of our wedding Saul and I were rushing down to the last minute. His family was supposed to meet us at our home but they never showed. Later that day we heard that their source of transportation had broken down but I believe Primo may have had something to do with that.

Saul and I argued the whole way to the ceremony. We even discussed turning the car around and going back home and saying the hell with it. As we pulled up we couldn't find parking, and I was shocked to see my Aunt Mary motioning me to hurry up. It really meant a lot to me that she was there because everyone in my family was not able to appear because it was kind of last minute and they lived so far away.

Saul's family was always close and I would envy him for that because no matter how big of an ass he would be they always stood by him. So he was hurting at the moment because his people were not present for this big day and surprisingly someone from my side of the family came on top. I didn't have time to change into my white dress. I actually said my vows in a pink dress with my belly already popping out for show.

My little boy was the ring bearer and best man.  As Mary put the Vail on my head she told me the story of how my Aunt Patty was the first person to wear this Vail on her wedding day, then my mom, then my sister, and now me. I felt honored to be part of this family heirloom tradition and even though these women could not be here for this special occasion at least they could still be present in spirits. I felt very grateful at that moment.

We headed down the aisle with fifty other couples on Valentine's Day at the Botanical Gardens in Clearwater Florida. As I was staring into my soon to be husbands eyes and holding his hands tears started to flow as I said my vows,  "Through sickness and health till death do us part." Now looking back on that day I believe those vows meant the world to me. Unfortunately, they meant nothing to my husband. Actually, I believe now that the only reason why he married me is so he didn't have to get stuck paying child support, because as soon after he went and reported it to the State of Massachusetts and everything he paid out over the years for when Pat and I lived without him he received in back taxes and Pat and I never saw any of it.  This man had a plan, and it wasn't to love us, it was to screw us.

I wish I never married him because it was not worth the torture we endured. He promised we would live a better life down in Florida, he promised we would buy a home, he promised he would stop drinking and save that money to build a better future with a new baby. I foolishly believed all his promises, but none of this ever happened except for the baby.

Chapter 25- Too Many Regrets

01/11/2012

Up until now my life had been pretty sheltered, the only one I ever confided in was my nana. She was my best friend. I found a pretty good paying job in Tampa teaching and was happy that I was doing something in my own career field. I was good at working with two year olds, Planning curriculum, singing songs, and being the potty training queen. 

One of my co-workers names was Gem, who was one of those Abercrombie and Fitch type with car problems. Primo knew how to fix cars and he needed the money so I introduced the two of them. Well, they immediately hit it off and every day Gem will tell me the 411. Gem tells me one day she might be pregnant with his baby and I start thinking oh shit I think I am too. What a coincidence, second time in a row he gets me pregnant and then someone else soon later. I started feeling a little hormonal and jealous about the whole situation.

Then my nana calls me on my lunch break crying she says, "Bea I fell out of bed today and I was crying for help for a good hour or so and I was terrified. Nobody came to my aid and I need you." 

I know my nana wouldn't ask for help unless she really needed it, plus she was the one always there for me my whole life; there was no way I was going to let her down. I said, "Nana, I'm so sorry. What ended up happening?"

Nana said, “I was trying to reach for the phone but then I fell out of the bed on the floor and hurt my hip. Eventually your brother came home and helped me up. I came down to Cape Cod so your mother and you could take care of me and then you moved down to Florida." 

Well what she said just broke my heart. " I will find a way to get back to you as soon as I am able to pool some money together for traveling expenses."

Saul and I had been a couple off and on for 8 years at this point and we finally set a date to get married on Valentine's Day 02/14/2012 and I think I was starting to get cold feet. We had talked several times in the past about how we were not in love with each other.  We knew we had made some mistakes in the past but we were ready to look past that and move forward and try and have another baby. I explained how I would like this to be an opportunity to start over new and I took marriage very seriously. He agreed and we made a set plan to be faithful to one another.

But before I made this giant leap I needed to get something off my chest because I did still love Primo and he needed to know how I felt before I made the biggest mistake of my life. It really was THE BIGGEST. Maybe I am a little afraid of commitment, but the heart wants what it wants and who am I to stand in the way of true love? 

Primo was like my best male friend and I felt as if I could tell him anything. So I did, "I'm sorry I even hooked you up with Gem now I am so gelling and wishing I was your girl. I've had a thing for you ever since the moment we met. After the first time we made love there was this connection between us. I would notice that in every picture that I took of you Primo that your eyes would sparkle and your body would exude this energy like no other man I have ever met. "

I knew after the moment we were done having sex something had changed within me and when we were done we agreed that we would keep it between us and I did for a whole decade till I caved. 

I said to Primo, "Do you recall saying, B if your pregnant at least we are keeping it in the family? Well, that really resonated with me. Primo your right Pat has grown up in this family and regardless of who his father is at least he knows both of you and will be raised by both of you but where does that leave me? If either of you are not going to respect me then how are my children ever going to learn to love and respect their mother?"

"I really think you should know that I am not in love with Saul that I am really in truly in love with you, and the only reason I stayed with Saul for as long as I have was to be closer to you. I knew as soon as we made love Pat was conceived and I know deep in my heart that u are his father. When I told you I was pregnant with your child you didn't seem the least bit concerned. Actually, you told me to abort him. Remember Primo I told you there was no way in hell I was ever going to abort my child. I just don't believe in that." 

What he said next broke my heart and helped me make my final decision. He said, "I just don't see you like that B." 

I cried, "Primo how can you say that? GOD has given you a second chance to redeem yourself because I think I am pregnant again. My nana told me the first time I was pregnant, who’s is it Saul's or Primo's? My mouth just dropped because she knew something was up before I even knew I was pregnant but that was my first. That's why all the rumors started flying because she could never keep quiet about things. I guess I got that from her, but at least I stayed shut for 10 years." Now there it was all in a nut shell.

I just commented, “Is this what you wanted your brother raising your kids because you don't want the responsibility?  Why don't you step up and do it yourself? Be a man. You were able to do that for Jeanette. Now why can't you do the same for our kids?” He didn't really comment. “I’m just trying to be really clear with you about how I am feeling before I marry your brother and make one of the biggest mistakes in life.”

Shortly after my conversation with Primo he called his brother confessing all that I told him, and he was crying to Saul. My heart went out to Primo because I know this must have hurt him deeply seeing that he was so conflicted about his own feelings and I know he was trying to do what was right, but Saul just put his brother on speaker phone so I could hear what he was saying. After the call I denied all of it. I couldn't admit to any of it because he told me he didn't love me so why should I change the trajectory of my life?

Chapter 24- New Years Day 2012

01/01/2012

Later that morning I finally gave up looking for him. I found him lurking in the shadows under a tree watching him staring at this pretty cute dancer in her scabies I say, "Yo, what happened to you? " Primo seemed down. 

We headed back to the car and he started sharing what was on his mind. I was just slugging down that Parrot Bay as he spoke I drank more than half the bottle. 

He said, "B what's wrong with me, why won't anyone ever love me?" 

I was like blown away by his statement 

I replied, "whadya mean Primo people love you cuz your fun, crazy, cute I mean what's not to love?" 

He seemed sad, "No man I can't keep a girl, or get my shit on point. Everyone else in my life is settling down and I am stuck in the same old shit." 

My advice was, "You know what you need is a good girl to keep you in check because behind every strong man there is a good woman. Primarily you have to learn to love yourself first because if you don't you won't be capable of loving anyone else back. Don't worry Primo out there you just need to believe, maybe what you need is a sugar momma!" After I had said that I almost wish I hadn't because that wasn't the right answer. 

Primo said, "I'm going to be rich B, but I don't want anyone just to be with me just because of my money." 

Then I said, "Well you'll just need to find her before you make your millions then. It’s my turn. What is it about me Primo? Why is it that Saul don't want to spend time with me?" 

Primo replied, "I don't know what his deal is B your beautiful, look at you, my brother is stupid. Your smart, funny, and chill." 

This really surprised me that Primo thought this way about me. I did a double take in the mirror and said, "Really?" 

Primo retorted, "Hell yeah girl your sexy." 

Then right after he said that the song "Stupid" came on and Primo cranked it up as we cruised slowly down the main strip of YBOR with the convertible top down and leaned all the way back in his chair with his wrist on the wheel. He looked so cool just chillin like a villain and for the first time in awhile I felt sexy again.

The pedestrian's on the strip were getting all hyped up to the music we were cranking. One black man even jumped on Primo's car and started bouncing on it. Honestly I thought Primo was going to get out of his car and start beating his ass, but instead he was chill, laughing along, and singing with them. I was fucking rolling. 

I felt that moment in time to being so sexy and going so smoothly. I wish I could recap it, rewind, and do it all over again.  So I still had a little less than half a bottle of Parrot Bay left and my mind was definitely getting a little fuzzy. 

Primo asks me, "Where to now?" 

I didn't really give a shit and we knew we had no money so I told him, "I don't give a shit." 

So Primo started driving and headed towards the beach and the ocean air was soothing my hair all up into a tizzy. I didn't have a care in the world I felt so free in that convertible. 

When we finally parked and stepped out of the vehicle we got to talking. I felt a connection with Primo after tonight. It had been over a year or so since I even thought about messing around with Primo and it had been a whole Eight years since we had sex last, but I always did have a soft spot in my heart for Primo since the moment we met and I was starting to get the feeling that maybe he felt the same way too.

Up until this moment I felt all there has ever been between us was lust, but tonight I sensed compassion. Something special and spontaneous was happening, of course maybe he was taking advantage of the fact that I was drunk, but once again it was magical. He kissed me and my stomach dropped. It was sweet and tender. He used both his hands and played with my hair and I never felt so much bliss in just one kiss which felt to me like perfect alchemy. I just couldn't keep my hands from roaming all over and having him closer. We both agreed that we needed a place to hide so we went under the bridge where he embraced me while handling me he was in perfect control of the moment. It was quite erotic. 

Only he did hurt me a little by forcing himself upon me in a position I was not too fond of and it hurt so I asked him to stop. When he didn't stop right away I got mad and felt a little violated because he didn't listen to me when I first asked him to. See I've experienced being raped before and was traumatized by it so whenever someone violates my wishes I tend to freak out a little bit, but I understood that he got caught up in the moment and I wasn't going to hold that against him. I felt like I was falling in love with him. This created a bit of a conundrum because I was also in love with his brother, my fiancé. What should I do? This is going to make me feel guilty on so many levels. 

Is it a common trend that people tend to have a fling before they get married out of fear of having sex with the same person for the rest of their life? Am I alone on this?

I personally self sabotaged my life because I was petrified about making such a commitment to being with the same man for the rest of my life to try and aim to please everyone else. I apologize to my nana, my kids, and my insignificant other for not being everything you have dreamed up in your mind for me to be. I am only human and I am sorry. What I really wanted I felt like I couldn't have. Now I am strong enough to write that I will have my family once again and more. For I am free to just being me.....

.........alone unfortunately.