Chapter 19 - PPD

05/05/2006

Something was not right. It had been seven months since I had Pat and my emotions were all over the place. I just felt as if I couldn't be happy. I was also struggling with sudden outbursts of aggression which really scared me. One time Saul had to pin me down, and another day I had a sudden urge to start running and never go back.

I never had such strong emotions. So I decided to have a psychological evaluation done. They asked me a lot of questions and diagnosed me with ADHD and Post Partum Depression. I was put on medication to treat me for it and my world turned from night into day. I was able to focus and get a lot done. I went from an average student to an A and B student and got two college degrees. I no longer felt irritability and depressed. I was happy again.

Due to the lead exposure in Everett we had to move in with Saul's brother Primo and his new babies’ mama Jeanette. They had a beautiful baby girl named Micah. Pat and Micah were close in age. Only six months apart and they got along very well. Every other night Jeanette and Primo would fight and keep us up late, well this time we woke up at 5am to them fighting and Saul was pretty fed up with it that he finally had to say something.

Saul got up in Primo's face because Primo called Bea a fat bitch. He just nudged Primo with his shoulder and Primo was holding Micah in her baby carrier. Primo was heated; he put the baby down in the bedroom. Primo got up in Saul's face standing two inches apart nose to nose and said, "Really mano? You’re going to shove me while I have my baby in my hand, huh? Mother fucker? Let's go!" Saul didn't even say anything. He just pushed Primo back into the wall and then a shoving match took place from the living room to the bedroom, and then Saul breaks loose making his way to the kitchen grabbing a knife.

Saul held the large butcher knife shakily in his hand and Primo grabbed his wrist that the knife was in. Jeanette and I were trying to get the knife out of Saul's hand too but every time we got close the knife would slice through the air barely missing us. It wasn't until they were both down to the ground and the knife was close to Primo's throat that Saul backed down. Jeanette and I finally talked them down. The police were called and by the time they had arrived Primo was gone and all four tires of my Lincoln Mercury Mariner were slashed. Primo got his revenge I guess.

Later that week in my Acting 2 class that I was taking at Bunker Hill Community College we had an assignment. We had to be a Director and direct a skit in groups with our classmates. Since the incident with the knife was fresh in my mind I decided to reenact the scene of the crime with my classmates and use this memory as my material for my skit. The actors did an awesome job. The skit was by far the best out of everyone's. I got another A+.

Chapter 18- It's Another Boy

Chapter 18- It's another Boy

10/15/05

Today my friends prepared me a surprise baby shower. They decorated in a Hawaiian theme and put me in a coconut bra and luau skirt and lei.

Saul said he saved my brother's from falling off of the balcony. Mostly everyone from my family was there and some of Saul's family showed. I received cards with money, baby things, but there was one present in particular that stuck out. It was the one my mother gave to me. I started tearing through the wrapping paper was this old plastic bag and I unzipped it and pulled out what was inside was my old teddy bear. I yelled out, "Country Bear!" Tears just started streaming down my face. My face turned bright red because I was embarrassed that I was crying over a teddy bear, but I didn't think I was ever going to see him again.

I thanked my friends, family, and nana for making this all happen. I know now if it were not for my nana it would've never had happened, because once she died my family fell apart. All good times cease to exist. This is what happens when your separated from the ones you love.

Saul was working two jobs, coming home late almost every night, drinking and being dropped off by other women at 5am, and then giving me shit when I had to work the next day. I was petrified that I was bringing a child into this world. Primo started dating another girl and it wasn't long after he got me pregnant that he got her pregnant too. I hated it because he decided to stick with her and raise the baby, but for the life of me I couldn't understand why he felt he couldn't do the same with me. I felt real cheated cause I chose the wrong brother.

11/15/2005

It was a very cold night in the middle of November, I was watching the movie Crash when I began to feel contractions and I immediately called my friends so they could meet me at the hospital. My doctor mentioned that I was not dilated and chose to put me on Pitocin so my contractions would start working for me. It only took 3 hours after that to be in total labor.

Saul went to grab pizza as soon I started delivering the baby. Thank GOD my friends were there otherwise I would have been all alone. Like a baby I started crying for my mommy, but she was overseas on vacation. I named my baby Patrick. When he came out he was so observant with his eyes wide open from the moment he was born looking at his surroundings. His body was lanky and thin like my grandpee. He was so silent that I feared something was wrong. No worries for he was perfect in every way, all 7 lbs and 13 oz of him.

At six months old Pat was to be baptized. Saul and I planned a huge party. It was so sweet to see Primo with Pat, one day they both fell asleep with Pat nestled under Primo's arms. I captured this memory with a picture and it was my favorite one ever. Whenever I took a picture of Saul holding Pat he would always have a beer in his other hand, which would always disgust me because it always led to him arguing with someone later. Saul could never live without his beer. He always used to say, "I will never cheat on you, except with my beers", but that was a lie. At least I can't say he didn't warn me.

April 15, 2006

Today was Pat's day and we were going to celebrate it as one big happy family. Pat was all dressed up in his white suit. Primo scared Pat with his glasses on. I think Pat didn't recognize him and thought he was an alien because he let out a huge cry when Primo approached him. It was so funny. Both families seemed to have a great time.

Pat was baptized at St. Paul's in Cambridge, MA where most of my family members were baptized too, including me. So we were keeping the tradition alive. There was plenty of food, drinks, and music at the hall we rented in Somerville. It was a get together to remember. We got some beautiful pictures of the family too.

We found out that our home in Everett we lived in at the time had lead in it when Pat was medically diagnosed as being lead poisoned. Poor Pat he was just a baby and we had to give him iron drops in his food to bring his lead count down, and he lost all his cute little baby fat. He was a great baby though. He slept through the night as soon as he slept in his crib. Due to the fact that he was suffering from being lead poisoned we were able to go on the list for housing.

Chapter 17 - Guilt And Shame

02/29/2005

Primo gave me the 411 about Saul that he already had 2 kids that he didn't support, collecting unemployment, and no license which Saul lied to me about. Why would Primo even tell me this if he didn't want to be with me?

I approached Saul with the news and he gave me a totally different reaction than Primo. Saul was so excited that he knelt down on one knee and kissed my belly. It was so sweet and it gave me piece of mind that he was supportive.

I felt horrible guilt that I had sex with his brother now. A month later as we ate food at one of our favorite restaurants, I was sitting across the table from him and looked him dead in the eye. I told him the truth, "There is a possibility that this child I am carrying Saul could be your brothers." Saul did not say anything, he didn't want to eat his dinner either and we ended up going to our new home.

I think Saul was in shock because he wouldn't touch or talk to me for several weeks and our relationship changed. He made my pregnancy hell. I think it was his way of seeking revenge upon me. One day while I was driving he hit me across the head. I pulled over to defend myself and we got into a fist fight while I was pregnant! He stuck me with a huge cable bill that went into collections. At the time Saul worked for Citizens Bank in downtown Boston and stole all my money from my bank account.

Saul and Primo were not getting along either. Primo went out to a night club with Saul and some of Primo's friends. Saul started freaking out and targeting people and Primo felt he had to put Saul in his place so they pulled over somewhere in downtown Boston and a fight broke out, three against one. Primo ended up having to cut his hair because Saul left a bald spot, and gave Primo's boy a black eye. Saul came at me once he got home infuriated. He cornered me and held my wrist until they were black and blue. I was able to free myself from him making my way into the kitchen.

The way he came at me scared the living daylights out of me. His eyes were all blood shot red and he resembled the anger of a demon himself. In fear I started to pray; "Please GOD protect me and my baby from this man." The way our kitchen was set up there was a step going down to the kitchen from the living room, and thank GOD Saul tripped over it and hit his head on the kitchen floor leaving a crack. At that very moment he fell unconscious. My ass should have turned around and left him there, but being the good Samaritan I am helped him for he was delirious and confused not remembering anything, so I assisted him calmly and tucked him into bed.

9/7/2005

My uncle Joey overdosed today. I found him on the bathroom floor turning blue and I called 911. They took him to the hospital by stretcher and resuscitated him. Hours later he comes home while I was heating up leftover Chinese food and we get into a little shoving match and the jerk slaps me across the face after I saved his life. He said, "I can't have you eating all my Chinese food get your own." I was hurt. I went back to Saul's crying and telling him what happened. Saul wanted to shank my Uncle Joey. I told him, "NO! I just needed someone to listen." As Saul wiped away my tears consoling me and holding me I never felt as safe as I did in that moment. I felt protected by a man for the very first time in my life.

Chapter 16 - Dear Lord?

02/10/2005

As I stood there looking over the city of Boston on the 19th floor balcony of my nana's building. I prayed a very special prayer to GOD because I felt so alone.

First I said, Dear father GOD please forgive me for I have sinned. I have not been pure of heart, for I have chosen to live a promiscuous lifestyle and have found myself pregnant. Although I am fortunate to be able to carry this creation of yours inside of me I am scared that I am not going to be able to provide for all of the babies needs on my own. My child needs a father. I never had that and it really screwed me up. I want more for this child. More than what I had. I am honored Lord that you have given me this little person to spend my life with. I just wish you would send somebody to love us unconditionally. Send me my soul mate to help me raise this baby. I know I don't want to do this alone. This baby needs to be loved by both of their parents. Please help me make this happen. I love my child more than I love myself. I will give my all for this child. I just need for my child and I to be happy and loved and know that no matter what that they belong. I just need your love LORD. Shine your love on me and my child right now.

Send us someone to love us unconditionally like you do. Father, I need a father, soul mate, best friend, provider, and man to take care of us. Please deliver to me before this baby is born. I thank you and love you father for you have always been good to me, please keep me in your favor and never leave me alone.

Chapter 15- Primo's Loss

02/01/2005

Primo knew his parents were leaving the Ville and he was getting ready to parlay and get a little closer to that new hottie with the mustang. She was all over him, wearing his kicks and everything, but she remained more at a distance because she was still dating his brother. They seemed to be getting closer.

Primo's mom, dad, and brother were going to go visit Nicaragua. Primo bought 20 Garcia Vegas for the occasion. Bea bought an ounce to celebrate as well. They hung out with friends and went on several outings together to New Hampshire in a snowstorm, up a steep hill in reverse in Hull, and he even fixed Bea's car with a Garcia Vega. Bea got Primo into the Green Street Bar even though he was under age she still served him a Grateful Dead. She really was beginning to love Primo as a person and not just a cute face. She felt they could relate to one another.

Bea just loved watching him stand at the bar all nervous and afraid to approach other women. He was shy, but not around her. No when he was around Bea Primo felt he could be himself. Little by little Bea would test the waters. First she would sit beside him, they would always share their smokes, put their arm around one another, and she would try to play around kiss, fight, and tackle each other.

Tonight was all together different it had been weeks and Bea was going to make her first move. Primo had no clue, but Bea knew herself well enough that she was going to need a good enough excuse. They decided to drop ecstasy together. Primo said he didn't feel anything and went to bed, but Bea felt weird and she didn't want to waste a minute of her buzz so she crept into Primo's bed under the covers and touched him. Then she breathed heavily on his crotch, he instantly got aroused to a satisfying orgasmic experience to Primo receiving head.

OMG! Primo saw fireworks in his mind. This was the best head he can ever remember receiving. Who was this angel white with the soft hair and brown eyes that had her lips wrapped around his cock? Damn! She was creeping up on him in the middle of the night, true and weird, but it was worth it. It felt so good, now here she comes lurking up my body and sitting right on top of me and I am loving every minute of her sweet juices spreading all over me she is amazingly hot!

Bea teased for a minute grabbing Primo's pulsating throbbing boner and rubbed it against her clitoris as she moaned in his ear. She dipped the tip in just a little against her labial just to see how soft his helmet was so silky. Every little touch, every minute counted, and it seemed as if they loved each other for the first and last time and in some sense it was their first.

Who cares if the drugs weren't working, regardless of the fact they were living in ecstasy at this very moment. Just being together making love to one another. Bea slipped the head of Primo's dick deep inside her crevice and whispered in a satisfying moan, "Oh! Baby, I have wanted you so much." Primo grunted, "Argh," in a growl which at that point grabbing Bea's hips he pushed it deep inside her. She rode him like a pony and inserted her nipples against his lips as he suckled and caressed. At this time colors and fireworks were going on in Bea's mind.

She felt a moment of climax for the both of them it was super intense. More intense than anyone else she has ever been with and she needed that love and attention so badly. Then after sex they cuddled and fell asleep next to each other naked. Later they woke up stunned. They each started getting dressed and Primo made a comment, "Well if you're pregnant at least were keeping it in the family." He had no idea how true that statement was.

A week later Saul came back all excited. Bea was going to break it off with Saul because she really wanted to be monogamous with Primo but she decided to break the news after her trip to Aruba which was in less than a week.

But before her trip it was decided that all three of us would drive to Manchester N.H. to go clubbing. We arrive deep, 5 Hispanics and a white girl, stepping into a Gucci Mafia Club. One thing led to another and a full on brawl with a gun involved broke loose, karate kid kickboxing, a bunch of guy's ganging up on Primo, I tried to help him but the glass doors were shoved in my face. Saul was able to retrieve the gun. The bartender was putting the sleeper hold on everybody.

After my trip to Aruba my nana says to me, "What are you pregnant?" I said, "Nana! No!" Then nana retorted, "Who's is it Primo's or Saul's?", and then it dawned on me.... Fuck!

The following day I go walking into a store with Primo, I am running for the bathroom feeling as if I was about to pee my pants and Primo calls me his "baby" and I am thinking. Wow! I really have to get checked by a doctor.

The day afterwards I go to the doctors and sure enough I am expecting. The first man I told was Primo, and right off the bat he tells me to abort the baby, and I tell him "No way in hell, this is my first baby, I may never have another. This baby was conceived out of love." Primo said, "No way, you raped me Bea." I retorted, “What! I didn't rape you admit it like a man that you came in me and you enjoyed it and after we were done you made a joke about keeping it in the family, "IT" being my baby." Primo stated, "IT can still be my brother's, right?" I responded, " I suppose, if you’re not going to be with me then I mind as well tell Saul and see what his response might be." Hopefully it will be better than the loss I had with Primo. Which could have been a totally different result if he could have just called IT his baby? I really wish he had accepted me as his baby. Now, I have come to the conclusion that he was the only man I have ever truly loved. He never gave me a chance to show him either.

Love hurts.