Chapter 38- Nicaragua

03/01/2015

Saul's brother Javier was going to have his wedding in Nicaragua where Saul was originally from. We were all going to go, so I purchased a passport for Jr. because he didn't have one and get his immunization shots to travel.

03/27/2015 Text messages sent to Saul from B.

B: There is a passport health location on 58th st in Clearwater. I can secure an appointment for 4/1/15 @ 10:30 am with a C.C. but if you cancel within 24 hrs of the appointment they charge you $50 for cancellation. That's why I wanted to consult you first before giving any C.C. info to them.

B: Just for a travel consultantion it's $100. The Typhoid is $100 and the Malaria is between $80-$120 or more they wouldn't tell me over the phone and they only administer it as an injection.

B: So you are looking at $300-400 in immunizations. Are you sure? I have till 5pm to secure this appointment.

B: I can go to the FHD and get one of them for $66.

B: Liam just fell asleep lying.on my chest. Awwwww. He's just a bebe still DaDa.

04/01/2015

Saul: yup

B: When? I'm just going to eat your food since your not here. I would hate to see another dinner go to waste since your out galavanting doing God knows who with God knows what. See this is not love.

04/03/2015

B: It's 1pm and your nowhere to be found. So much for taking care of your responsibilities. No one has eaten yet and we are all still getting ready.

Saul: On my way home.

04/07/2015

B:Do you want me to make you lunch?

Saul: no babe i brought lunch from the freezer.

B: Oh good. I will pack you a lunch every night but you have to remember to grab it. Ok. Save your money.

Saul: Ok my love i appreciate  you very  much. Thanks.

B: Ditto means love you right back babe. I told you this b4!

Saul: Ok honey thanks.
you paid the c.c. fifth and third in full ?
some how there is $500.00 available pending. never mine it was a system error. i will be home soon get the kids ready so we can go to ross.

04/10/2015

I just got news that my teenage cousin had passed away in Massachusetts's.  I told Saul that I needed to go to be with my family and that he should just take Jr. To Nicaragua for the wedding. I would take Pat with me to the funeral. I wasn't even sure if taking Jr. out of the country was even a good idea because they did not have the Malaria vaccine to give him before he left, but Saul assured me he would make sure Jr. got it when they arrived. Saul told me he gave it to him orally, but with all the research I found out about the medicine it said it could only be given by injection. I believe Saul was lying when he said he administered the vaccine.

04/13/2015
B: I'm at the park with Jr. cuz I'm going to miss him. We went for a bike ride.
Babe I need 2 leave tonight so I can get to the funeral in time.

Saul: Wait, I understand honey. Just relax.

I had to go NOW or else Pat and I wouldn't make it in time, for we had to drive all the way from Florida up to Massachusetts.

Pat and I took a road trip to see my cousin Brittany one last time. I was very emotional over the whole thing because she was way too young to die. She was only 17 year's old and the whole time I kept thinking why. Had she been so depressed? Was she trying to give up, or had she felt unloved? The last time I saw her she appeared to be lonely and always in a reserved manner.

I just thought how that could have been Pat. That's why children need both of their parents. To talk to our kid's and be there for them and ask them what they need from us on a constant basis. Pat and I talked a lot on that road trip about life and death.  I wanted to answer any questions he had. I recalled when I saw a dead body for the first time when I was 7 years old. I had no one to talk to and I was a frightened child who had lots of questions. Pat was 9 year's old now and I asked him if he thought he could handle it. Pat told me yes that he could, and by the look's of it he seemed to handle himself well. When we got to the wake Pat said his peace to Britt and was reintroduced to all my side of the family. As soon as he arrived at my mother's house he fell asleep. I am thankful for this time with my son. There are so many moments in his life I know I may not be part of but, I sure am glad I could shed some light on death.

The next morning was the funeral and when I woke up everyone was asleep except for my brother Chris. He and I knew that we were not going to make the church, but if we left at that moment we would make it in time for the burial. The whole way Chris and I argued. I know he and I were having a hard time dealing with Brittany's death for they were really close. She had died of a drug overdose and we couldn't seem to wrap our heads around it as to why this had to happen. 

I told Chris that, "I drove all the way from Florida for this and there was no way I was going to miss it." 

We arrived at the cemetery just in time for the burial.

As I walked over all the graves at Cambridge cemetery I prayed to my nana to give me strength, but as soon as I saw the crowd I fell to my knee's and cried. 

My brother helped me up and I spoke up to heaven, "I made it Britt, almost didn't, but here I am. I made it cuz." 

As I got closer I saw my two uncle's whom I hadn't seen in the last two years, since  my nana passed. Remembering that alone made me sad and all I wanted to do was hug my uncle and cry. Honestly, I was traumatized by that cemetery, something about that place and knowing more than half of my relatives were buried underneath that ground creeped me out. Especially standing over her grave. Then I payed my respects to my nana's plots. Personally, I never wish to be buried, just cremate my ass, burn me to a crisp, and spread my ashes through the air so I can fly first before I reach the ocean to become fish bait. That's the circle of life.

The cool part of my trip was talking to my best friend Pierce and her two boys into driving back to Florida with me. We went to Lego Land and while we were there I got a surprise phone call from Primo. It was really special to hear his voice and know that he wanted to travel with me. He sounded so hopeful and he called me baby. I knew we were forming a tight bond, my intuition was right I could feel his love for me.

04/26/2015
Saul: HI BABE JUST ARRIVED IN MIAMI ALL IS WELL.

When Jr. arrived home he had a high fever and was showing signs of a concussion. When Jr. came back from Nicaragua his behavior worsened and his development regressed a lot. He came back unbalanced and falling, hitting a lot, and sick. Marianne from Early Steps witnessed Jr's aggressive behavior and suggested Jr.was a good candidate for the FDLRS program for children who are developmentally delayed, and they offered him speech therapy inclusive services as well. Unfortunately, Saul made sure none of those services happened for Jr. I suppose he was trying to hide the abuse.

After Saul came home from Nicaragua I found out he spent all the money we were saving to buy a home. We were now almost broke. He never told me that was his plan either. He said he would replace it; that never happened.

05/06/2015
B: Thanks for yesterday. Hows your day goin? Are you staying for OT?

Saul: Not today but maybe tomorrow and Friday. U r welcome. The ass hoe luvs U.
Day is going good.

B: Going to get food

Saul: Sounds good babe i appreciate everything you do for are family.

05/08/2015
Saul: AT MY MOM AND DAD WILL BE IN A BEAT.

B: Yeah ok. No prob just checking in on allowing you in. (Because we made a deal if he was ever intoxicated not to come home and I knew he was)

Saul: When i home i will tell u so we can get are house. Don't say nothing to anyone yet.

B: Mmmmm k........
(Saul was feeding me bullshit false promises about his latest money making schemes to buying a house again.  Now he wanted in on a business that his dad was starting. He needed to put down $800 on a car lift and he asked me if I would pay Primo's lawyer to bail his ass out of jail. I know I should have saved that money to buying a home, but I figuered my dreams with Saul were beyond shattered now so why the heck not. Unfortunately, I should have kept that money to formulate an emergency escape plan once Saul turned on me again, but my dumb ass didn't anticipate that to happen so abruptly. )

FYI: I advise all parents to always form an escape plan with their children just in case of emergency so they will have an idea of what to expect and do during a state of panic.

Pierce and I took the kid's to this little water park in Dunedin. Jr. Already mastered his gross motor skills so I found it odd that since he came back from Nicaragua he was walking into walls and tripping over his own two feet and almost bit his tongue off. The blood was everywhere, all over Jr. and Pierce's little boy that helped him over to us. I couldn't understand why Jr was so disorientated, he was clearly showing signs of a concussion or Malaria. Which was hard to decipher because the symptoms are very similiar.

CONCUSSION IN CHILDREN
A concussion can cause bruising, swelling, and bleeding in the brain and skull. Children below the age of three are more susceptible and at a higher risk of injury, because their skulls are soft and not fully developed any excessive blows to the head can cause serious brain damage. Also known as a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).

Early signs of concussion include....
Confusion.     Agitation.       Dizziness.         Headache.     Nausea.       Vomiting

Late signs are............Persistent Irritability.                   Headache
Poor Attention Span
Lightheadedness
Memory problems.       Blurry vision
Sensitive to light and noise
Ringing in ears.
Parts of body feel numb or tingle
Loses balance, drops things, trips a lot

Signs of Malaria out of Wikipedia. ..........

Malaria is a mosquito blood-borne infectious disease affecting humans and other animals by parasitic protozoans. Malaria causes symptoms that typically include fever, feeling tired, and vomiting and headaches. In severe cases it can cause yellow skin, seizures, coma, or death. Symptoms usually begin ten to fifteen days after being bitten. If not properly treated, people may have reoccurances of the disease months later. In those who have recently survived an infection, reinfection usually causes milder symptoms. This partial resistance disappears over months to years if the person has no continuing exposure to Malaria.

Pierce's son was also showing signs of it as well soon after he made contact with Jr's blood a few weeks later. Which allowed me to believe that Jr. could be contagious with a serious infectious disease due to Saul's negligence.  I felt his head and he had a fever as well as a lump on his head. I just sat there holding my son and crying. Pierce told me that Saul mentioned what Jr did to papa's TV in Nicaragua. He had broken it and in return they wacked him over the head with a pole. That was my final straw with Saul. In order to protect my kid's, Saul had to go.

"Love doesn't destroy. it builds. Never let a narcissus make you think it's love when it isn't. Its not love when they get their high from making you low. Its not love when they get their strength from seeing you weak. Its not love when they get their power from controlling your life. Its not love when they make you get so used to the pain that you actually forget what it feels like to not be broken. It's time for you to break away from the person who is breaking you. It is not of GOD if your spirit is being robbed. So don't let them convince you that the pain that they give you is all that GOD has for you. GOD created you to live beautiful, not broken. GOD created you to be loved, not abused. So stop accepting what he didn't create you to accept. Love doesn't send you to the hospital. Love doesn't make you cover up the bruises. The heart that is meant to love you will be dedicated to building you, not breaking you. Understand, love doesn't have to be perfect, but it needs to be true. It's not real if hurt is all that you feel." (Trent Shelton)

Thank you so much Trent for saying it so perfectly honest. Follow him on YouTube because this man is so powerful. I couldn't have said it any better myself.

Chapter 37- B's Letter To Primo.....

4/15/2015

Letter sent to Primo in jail from B confessing her love to him.

Dear Darling,

Ginza J Balvin.....yo bailar papi.
Good morning my love.

I wish I knew if u were happy or ok. Please reach out to me babe so I can have an idea how my luv is doing. BTW can you please take Izzy to see the new Angry Birds movie when it comes out he really wants to go see it? I appreciate u more than u could ever imagine. Have a blessed day my king.

We need some time alone to explore each others hearts.....I want u to feel how strong my heart beats for you and if I can hear ur heart beating back. Show me u have the courage. I will be soft and gentle with you. I won't say a peep, as long as u promise not to laugh at the wimpering and heavy breathing. I might whisper sweet nothings in your ear, I can find plenty else to do with my mouth other than speak. I am pretty passionate at kissing. I have the whole loft upstairs. That's where I am.  The garage door will b open for u. Park inside. The door will b unlocked. I love you regardless. I always have and I always will, whether or not you care doesn't change my love for you. I'm stuck. So I lie in this bed all alone by myself with just my teddy to keep me company. I wish it were my man that warms my heart instead of this lifeless animal. I'll take whatever I can get for now until I can get the next best thing....nothing compares to u. U will b mine .......I can feel it....u being into me. Honestly, I don't want to own u really. I just wish to b ur one and only, ALWAYS and forever to the depths of our souls....I just need to make love...and create passion when I am with you. I hope u are on your way to me....my heart has been longing.

I feel ur touch in my dreams...can't u feel my heart beat still? I can't let u go...I want you in my life. Your arms are my castle , your heart is the sky. U make me right when I am torn. I need u to finish my thoughts, I am nothing without u, but I am sure that together we are invincible and I want to shut down all the hype with you. I am focusing on peace and tranquility in our world. Although we are wild ones together we can be tamer if u let me take u home and break u in....running with Primo I'm on the prowl.

Please just let me love you. We can go everywhere, do anything, see whatever u want to see, or let it go for tonight. I need some direction . I'm lost without u. It turns me on when u speed in reverse. I luv when u move fast, but honey I think u must have lost ur edge cuz lately u have been hitting the breaks and not making any moves. How come? Has no one told u yet, that anything ur heart desires is impossible? Pinch me for I know this is reality and I am not dreaming. I am very much aware, I am in the same state as u. You never cease to amaze me. I know u still have it in you. Cum babycakes, cum 2 mami. Some love and attention, your time, your thoughts, your touch, your taste. Just share with me everything there is to know about you and what it is that fascinates u about me. Can we be into eachother just once?  Can u just let down your fortress that you have built around you and just let me dwell in there for a minute so I can breathe, cuz right about now I feel like I am drowning.

I know you don't trust me for the way we started our journey was all off. I know we were meant 4 eachother. I know I need you and I believe you need me too. Your brother says that you could never love me because you don't have a heart. You can't even love yourself. Do you think what he says is true?

Deep in my heart I know he is wrong. You just have a hard time believing in yourself. Lately I have been feeling that way myself. I have been so depressed and in limbo for years now. I KNOW you have too. Why do you think that is? Perhaps we can start out with a clean slate.

I don't think I can be your sister or friend anymore, that is probably what you want anyway. I know all this sounds so crazy. Believe me I have tried to analyze over and over and all I can come up with is that love makes people do and say the crazziest things sometimes because you want to be in control of the situation so bad, but it is really up to the other person when the ball is in the others court, and I am dying inside because you are not writing me back. Please I need some answers from you.

I hate to say it, but it is time that we both rise above our past. I need to develop my forgettery and stop being melancholy and develop a new way of pushing toward our future together. If we r ever to move forward we need to forgive one another and move forward.

I forgive you Primo. Yes you have hurt me in the past many times, but I am pretty sure it was unintentionally because u didn't understand my deep feelings for you. Now that everything is out in the open I am aware u have spared my feeling's in so many circumstances for you are aware of how sensitive I am especially concerning what you think about me. That right there has to show you how gaurded you are towards me. You have always tried to protect me. That's why I love you and need u in my life, to guide me and keep me safe and out of trouble. Just look at the mess I have made since u have been gone. I am a hot mess.

I would like to start over with a clean slate as if we are meeting for the first time. I no longer know the old you and you don't know me. I am no longer going to give u clues or answers cuz u already know how I feel. I am just going to wait and see what you do now. No calls, no surprise visits, or letters. Just temperance and patience until u decide for yourself what your heart needs. That's really all I can do for I have proved to you what my heart has in store for you. Our journey has not begun as of yet you have been distant like a shooting star. I have been playful like a clown. Niether of us has taken the initiative to commit because honestly papi, I want this to be my happily ever after for the long haul. A soul searching love with depth and substance. No more game's or disappointments. Just faithfully devoted loyalty, trust, and commitment. I will wait however long I have to wait till we feel we are both prepared and ready. I don't want to put label's on our partnership but appreciate you for being the man in my life who appreciates who I am and how I care for us, the Lord, our home, and our family.

Now I am alone praying that you have listened to my pleas for love. I will still love u from afar, and miss you every day you will just not know about it anymore. Just seek me out and find me. Your going to have to courtship me though. Win me over because I am not going to know you the next time we meet. CLEAN SLATE.

Chapter 36- Primo's Jail House Heart Break

03/10/2015

After the holiday's passed it started to set in to all of us how lonely it was without Primo. He got locked up in jail due to his new baby's mama who would not put up with his shit. On Thanksgiving day papa wouldn't even show his face at the head of the dinner table because he was so depressed. Mama prepared a lovely dinner too. I wished Primo was there too.

I started writing him letter's building a strong bond spiritually and I started to feel more alive. I would sit in my kid's room writing and my toe's would curl as if I was a stupid little girl in love, and in a strange sense I was falling in love.

One day we had a barbecue over my in-laws house and they were drinking. It started to rain, but we still stayed in the pool and mama started crying. She was so depressed over losing her mom and not seeing her son for he was in jail. She would go to visit him all the time.  It broke her heart though seeing him locked up like that. After we went back to the house it was just her and I, she told me about how she missed her son so and then she passed out. I told her, "No mamita, you can't go now Primo would never forgive himself." So I did everything I could to revive her, but she was unresponsive. I rolled her onto the bed and called 911. They told me to check her pulse, but I did not feel one so they told me 2 get her down to the floor to perform CPR. I tried but she was too heavy and then Papa and Saul came home they helped me and were in a state of confusion as I started chest compressions. As soon as I gave her mouth to mouth she gasped for air and came to. Then the paramedics arrived to take over.

I know I saved her life and that she had a stroke for when we arrived at the hospital the whole left side of her face was sagging. It is funny how papa and Saul could not believe it. Had I not of been there my mother in-law would have been dead. She told me that she had a dream that Primo was following her. 

I told her, "That is probably why it is not your time because if you were to go Primo would follow you. He is not strong enough yet to handle your death and you know this. That is why it is not your time, but I promise you mama when it is time I will do my best to look after both of your sons." 

I really meant every word from the bottom of my heart and I still do. They will always be family to me. Even after they did me dirty I still consider them my family.

I also told papa the same thing, whether or not he understood or believed me I don't know because he was drunk. I told him that he should love both of his sons equally. That they both deserve and need his love and that if he was to run for governor in his country that I would support him and live there if he wanted me to. I would have done anything for my daddy for he was the only daddy in my life that ever showed me love. They were my parents to and if they needed me to care for them towards the end I would've done it. Then they turned their backs on me and kept me from my kid's.

You won't allow me to hug my kid's and let me tell them I love them? Really?

Goes to show how deceitful family can be. If you can't count on your family. Who can you count on?