Chapter 35- Dear Lord?

01/01/2015

Dear Lord,

Father I come to you now beseeching your advice about my husband Saul. First and foremost Please forgive him father for he not know what he has done to us...he is sick and twisted when he is under the influence of alcohol. I believe he is an alcoholic and is in need of help. Please, break through his barriers to help him accept his illness and find a way to receive that help so we can continue to be a family. I don't want to lose him. I just would like to see him get better and stop all this violence.

Should I take him back father so I can set him on the right path to getting sober? My children have been asking for their father and it seems rather selfish of me to deny them that right. I feel bad and I want to do the right thing but I am not sure what that is. Please give me a sign and let me know how to proceed...........

I went to church and prayed for a long time and all the messages I received from the spirit were to let him go and learn for himself.  I wish I would have listened to my gut. I took him back instead of following my intuition because he was my husband which I made a vow through sickness and health till death do us part and that meant the world to me. I wasn't about to abandon my husband when he was going through such a difficult time in his life. He needed my help, I wasn't going to deny that.

I did appreciate everything he did for this family and how he visited me almost every night I was in the hospital and stood by me when I needed help. He tried his best to be a good provider. He was ok at being a father and husband but at least he tried. Maybe he was not trying his best but was making an effort to change and showing slim improvements which was better than nothing.

When we discussed what changes that needed to be made I set some stipulations that had to be abided in order for us to live together.

First, no alcohol was allowed in the house.

Second, He needed to attend some meetings.

Third, Saul was not allowed to be around the kids when he was drinking so if he ended up intoxicated he was not allowed to come home.

My father has not left us astray but has chosen the word to be revealed.
The Lord anointed my eyes: I went, I washed, I saw and I believed in GOD.
- John 9:11

As Jesus passed by he saw a man blind from birth. His disciple's asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so the works of GOD might be made visible through him. We have to do the works of the one who sent me while it is day. Night is coming when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." When he has said this, he spat on the ground and made clay with the saliva, and smeared the clay on his eyes, and said to him, "Go wash in the pool of Siloam." So he went and washed, and came back able to see.   - John 9:1-41

Chapter 34- A Not So Merry X-Mas

12-15-2014

At this point in time we decided to move in with Missy due to health issues in our last apartment and rental problems. Missy and Saul were having arguments as well, but as long as he gave her money she seemed to get over it. Missy was all about her money. She liked to be up in the middle of our relationship too, which I did not like. Ever since that time I ended up in the hospital it seemed like Missy and Saul had a secret agenda behind my back. Now I feel like I know exactly what that agenda was. I always thought they were having an affair, but I didn't care. I didn't care about Saul’s affairs anymore. I had fallen out of love with him.

The holidays were approaching so that meant Saul was starting to drink more often. There was this night in particular right before Christmas Saul came home from work early already intoxicated. I asked him if he lost his job. He just boasted that they had a party at work and everybody got to go home early. He was being a jerk about me questioning him. I told him, "listen I am your wife, don't you think I have a right to know?" Saul was quite a spit fire, in a fit he ended up putting a hole in the wall.

I walked away from him to deescalate the situation and he follows me. The baby begins to cry because of all the yelling and Saul picks up my two year old baby by the head of his hair. My poor baby lets out a blood curdling scream which I can hear throughout my nightmares. My baby is scared of his father. 

I snap and attack my husband to defend my baby, 

"Put him down, he is just a baby, you’re hurting him." 

Saul pushes me back against the bunk bed and starts pounding me in the head with his fists. I do my best to protect myself by clawing my nails into him, but I am not a man I have no control. My oldest son jumps on Saul to try and protect me as my son is thrown into the dresser breaking it. That's when Saul stopped and saw the destruction he caused. It was like history repeating itself and he doesn't even know what is happening. That's when I knew we have to get out of here.

I scooped up my crying baby in my arms as he was clinging tightly to my chest I was telling him, 

"Shhhh…..Its ok baby, mommy is going to get us out of here." 

I didn't think twice about grabbing a thing, not even shoes. I just wanted to remove my child from any danger so I stepped outside while the pavement was cold and wet I was barefoot. The rain was trickling down as I fastened my baby in his car seat and I entered my vehicle, finally a moment of silence. I started to think, what do I need? That way I zone in and get what I need as to avoid him then get out. The baby needs a bottle, blanket, so he is comfortable and first I need to check on my other son to make sure he is ok, my phone, my purse, and my keys.

I go in and see that he is talking with my son so I take this quick opportunity to grab all the things I need. First the bottle, blanket, and go back out to the car. The baby is ok I give him the bottle and blanket. Then I check my purse. Where is my phone and keys? He took them. That bastard is keeping us against our will. Where is the key? I didn't want to jump to conclusions but I know I had them both in my purse. I had to go back in to find them.

As I went back in I had a good look around the whole house. I tore the place apart and all of a sudden an anxiety attack started to set in. I confronted Saul and he had Pat in his arms acting like nothing ever happened. 

I asked Pat, "Are you all right baby?" 

Pat shook his head.

I said, "come here."  

I looked him over real quick to make sure he wasn't bleeding, he had a huge bruise on his back, then I told him to go out to the car with his brother. 

I asked Saul, "Where are my keys? I know you hid them give them to me now." 

Saul just pretended like he didn't know what I was talking about and helped me look for them. As we both searched the house he asked me what was wrong and I told him that if he did not find my keys that he was going to be the one leaving once I called the police.

He didn't seem to understand. 

I told him again. "If you don't give me my phone and key's immediately I am kicking you out for good. I can't live like this anymore. You want to take your aggression out on these kids you have another thing coming. Don't you dare even go where they’re? You know what! Just get the fuck out!"

So Saul left, but before he did I found my stuff after he planted it.

12/25/2014

That Christmas was so refreshing. It was the first one that was all about the kid's opening their gifts and having fun. Nobody was drinking or being loud and stupid for once. It was peaceful and cheerful. Everyone was happy. No Saul. Granted I haven't spent the past two Christmas's with my boys but at least the last one I did spend with them I know we will never forget because I made sure that it was extra special just for my boys. No one was going to ruin our Christmas this year my loves, especially not Saul.

Pat wore Oscar the grouch pj's and Jr kept trying to eat the tootsie rolls with the wrappers on. I even had on a pj set. We all did. Jr loved his bike helmet so much he didn't want to take it off. It was a project trying to teach him how to open gifts. He really didn't get it. He was only two years old but it was hilariousness when Pat scared him with the dinosaur he got. We all laughed. Pat is such an awesome older brother. I wonder if Jr still follows him around like he used to? I miss my boys. I don't even know anything about them now thanks to Saul and DCF.

Chapter 33- A loaded barrell in my face

10/27/2014

It had been a while since I had spoken to Primo. I heard he had moved out of his parents place and got his own spot in Largo. I thought I would stop by and pay him a surprise visit. I knocked on the door and resting on top of him watching a movie was a new girl. It never took him long to find comfort, whereas, now I have been single almost two years, and I can't still get him out of my head. Love hurts.

I wouldn't say Primo wasn't courteous. He showed me around, and the following day I came back with his brother. Of course it was the weekend so Saul had to be drinking and Primo took Saul privately in the other room to show Saul something. Saul comes stumbling around the corner with a revolver pointed straight at my head, with his finger on the trigger, and just an arm’s length away, laughing. I just about shit my pants. I said, "What the fuck is wrong with you? You know I hate guns." Saul cocked the gun. Then Primo said, "C'mon mano it's loaded, no fuckin around." I gasped, "OMG!" and cried real tears.

I believe I almost died and Primo might have saved my life; if he didn't talk some sense into Saul that night he would've killed me. He would've tried to blame it on the alcohol like he always does, said he blacked out, and don't remember.  I wonder if that works for murder chargers too, Saul? How is that one supposed to hold up in a court of law? You can plead insanity, or just get deported for not being a United States Citizen and having no legal right to bear arms. Especially when intoxicated and suffering with a mental illness that hinders your better judgment.

Who is the one diluted? Is that what you told the judge, that I was diluted? Do you even know what that means? Ignorance really is bliss I guess when you’re a Narcissus. Let's give you a clue, so I may educate all of you. You see I really don't care anymore, because I have already lost everything that I have ever held near and dear to my heart, and I can see that I am not going to get them back, so I mind as well make it clear why.

Saul said I was diluted.....which means I was made weaker by adding water or force. This the judge must have bought because now I do not have my children, he does. All the judge has done now is give him the jurisdiction to dismiss me from my children's lives entirely, and he doesn't have any empathy. He is as cold and neglectful to our hearts as they come. The judge has just given my children over to a monster.

He on the other hand is Narcissistic:

1.  Quiet Smugness/Superiority: When they do speak, their comments tend to be critical and judgmental, focusing on their own conceited views.

2.  Self-Absorption: Only what they selfishly want and find agreeable. 

3.  Lack of Empathy: Oblivious to, or dismissive of others’ thoughts and feelings. Even when you tell them how their attitudes and actions are generating adverse consequences

4.  Passive-Aggressiveness Upon receiving a reasonable request from you, they might say “okay,” “yes,” “of course,” or “as you wish,” then either do nothing, or behave however they please.

5.  Highly Sensitive. In the face of negative feedback, some introvert narcissists will defend with an increased sense of superior smugness and dismissal (fight), while others will respond with sullen withdraw (flight). Typically, they will not let on how much the negative experience bothers them, and instead use their well-rehearsed aloofness to continue their schema. Some will turn bright red and run their whole head under a faucet of cold water. (This was Saul)

6.  The “Misunderstood Special Person”

The self-perceptions of some introverted narcissists include notions such as: “I’m special,” “I’m one-of a kind,” “I’m ahead of my time,” “I’m so unique no one understands me,” and “I’m so smart I’m above everyone else.” Statements such as these reveal common narcissistic tendencies of superiority, grandiosity, and entitlement. 

7.  Impersonal and Difficult Relationships

As mentioned earlier, part of the introvert narcissist’s insecurity is the inability to genuinely connect with people. To this extent, the aloofness and/or smugness serve as a defensive mechanism keeping people away, lest the narcissist is exposed for her or his interpersonal inadequacies. 

Chapter 32- Going Under Water

02/16/2013

I was struggling with Post Par-tum Depression, grieving, PTSD, and taking medication I shouldn't have been prescribed.

I was sinking emotionally. I begged my mother to stay because I knew I couldn't handle being by myself with the baby, Pat, and with a broken ankle. I was right. Saul was working days and nights. He barely came home at all. Not even on our wedding anniversary that just passed and although I know it might have been a test it was a cruel test at that and I don't think that I passed.

Like I said I was left alone all day with the baby and I was begging for some help so I bribed Primo to come over to keep me company. I must confess it was a relief not to be alone. At one point I took it upon myself to lay my head on his chest because that's where I felt secure with my ear to his heart always. Personally I could stay like that forever; Primo on the other hand always had to take it to the next level. Like a knight he swept me up in his arms with my cast on taking me to my room he had his way with me so like I said monthly visits... test failed. What is it about this man?

Later that day I stumbled, lost my balance and fell. I called out for Primo to help me. No answer, but Jr. crawls over to me. I call again, no response. Jr. lies on my chest we both cry out for help finally Primo comes and I tell him my problem. He doesn't seem to care and walks out the door. What is going on? I’m hurting here.... do you not care? Isn't that why you were here in the first place to help me? What just happened is that you walked out of my life when I needed you most, if this is going to be a common trend then what good are you? When the going gets tough that is when you must stick it through so people feel that they can rely on you. The most rewarding people in our lives never come to us easily; strong ties require a lot of patience, compassion, and hard work.

As I waited for Saul that night depression set in, I felt myself sinking, I wanted to give up and let go. I was in the tub and that's what I felt myself doing....I was drowning and I told myself I am coming to you nana. I was looking through the water I broke through and nana reminded me that Jr. still needed me.

When I got out of the tub I put on my robe and Saul came home in a fit of rage. He was giving me hell about the baby not having a diaper, about this, about that, just picking a fight like he always does and then punches my Aunt Patty's picture and breaks it. I ran to the bathroom scared now justifying all my reasons for wanting to die and I proceeded by taking all of the pills I owned. I cried and listened to every one of his insults as they penetrated throughout my brain like a broken record and I thought, I'm finally shutting you off mother fucker.

I could only assume that Primo had told him. When I approached him out of the bathroom I said, "Why did you punch my deceased godmother's picture?" and he replied, "I don't like the way she smiled at me." I said, "She was smiling for the picture and that was the only picture I had of her. Your cruel man.  I know that punch was intended for me?"  Saul was still in an irate mood claiming he wants a divorce. I told him what I had done in the bathroom. 

I said, "Don't you worry about a divorce I’ll be dead before you know it." He didn't believe me. 

I told him, "If you don't call someone I’m going to die." 

Saul said, "Your full of shit"

After I thought about it and realized this is not what I really wanted. What I really wanted was to be loved and get attention, but not like this. This was just a cry for help. So I picked up the phone and I dialed my therapist. She answered and asked me if I was alone and asked to speak with my husband.

My therapist told Saul, "If you don't hang up and call 911 your wife is going to die." 

Saul replied, "Understood will do." 

Then Saul hung up and started yelling at me more, not doing a damn thing to save me. Thank GOD I was coherent enough to call 911 myself so I could save my own life because my husband was going to let me die. 

After that moment I NEVER gave him the satisfaction of breaking me down like that ever again, I realized then he wasn't worth my life. 

Challenged (Revolution Lyrics) By, B'onnie

CHALLENGED

Pop & Blues

By, B’ onnie

To A duel,

People will make fun of you.

Because you are different doesn’t make you less perfect.

You can overcome,

Whether you can’t hear or see

Your brain just works differently than mine you see

Challenged its true

But we’ll pull through

I wish you could walk like me

Stop, fall, and shake, or seize

Don’t live in fear

Just be grateful for life

Just look what you got

Because you got it all

It is just a challenge my dear.

I know it’s hard

Things don’t come easily

You struggle to hold down a job

People don’t see the pain you feel

You can overcome

Whether you are mute or deaf

Your falling apart at the seams it appears

Challenging it’s true

But you’ll pull through

I wish you could breathe like me

Missing all of your limbs you see

It could be worse

Just be grateful for your life

Look what you got!

Because you got it all…..Your just special my dear.

Chapter 31- Grand Mal Seizures

05/05/13

A year after I had Jr. My mom came to visit for his birthday and christening.

We had his christening at our family church in Clearwater at St. Catherine of Siena and I wanted my Aunt Mary to be Junior's godmother, but Saul thought it would be more appropriate for us to have a friend of the family be the godmother instead. Little did I know that this was a tactic to isolate us from our surrounding family. I want to apologize to my Aunt Mary for allowing this man to ever come between us. From the bottom of my heart you were always there for me before..... I'm truly sorry that I didn't fight on your behalf. I know now I should have.

Saul and I also found it appropriate to make Primo the godfather. In all faith the LORD works in mysterious ways. I didn't think Papitio was going to make it to the ceremony that day, but he showed up all dressed in black. He certainly stood out as the black sheep, but seemed honored to be a part of this experience. There was no doubt in my mind that I could count on Primo to stand up and be an excellent example of a father to my children. I guess I had more faith in him then he had in himself. Deeply indebted I was his biggest cheerleader, always inconspicuously cheering him on in the sidelines. Saul hated it. He used to say things to me like, "Your sweet Primo is coming over." As time went by I guess my feelings grew, it became harder to hide, and this became more obvious to people. I tried to suppress those feelings and bottle them up. I even tried despising Primo, and I know he did the same with me to, but the harder I tried the deeper I fell. 

Brie, she rented a hotel room with a beautiful view of Clearwater Beach at Pier 60. Of course Saul was working on getting plastered. It was Cinco de Mayo and he had just gotten his anklet removed from his DUI sentence. The first thing he does is takes off with Brie's rental car intoxicated to go get more booze. Pat, Brie, Primo, and I were having the time of our lives undergoing pillow fights and unaware of Saul’s agenda. I wish I could capture that moment in time, we were smiling, laughing, and a happy family. Times like these become rare nowadays. Primo was so sweet, he took it upon himself to swipe some cross earrings as a gift for Junior’s Christening present. It was thoughtful and we still have them in his keepsake box to this day. I am a sucker when it comes to memorabilia. Only because I know there will come a day where I am bound to forget it all.

01/04/2014

We went to the Hard Rock Casino in Tampa FL. I was the designated driver because I was never much of a drinker.

I was all dressed up to the hilt with my high heeled brown suede boots, and my sweater dress. We decided to stop at the Steak N Shake to grab a bite to eat on the way home. My mom was blasting the heat and I kept telling her that I was feeling claustrophobic, the whole ride I couldn't breathe and my palms were getting all sweaty. After we ordered our food I thought it best to step out of the vehicle to catch a breather. Suddenly I felt nauseous and I ran over to the trash receptacle to vomit, but I ended up swallowing it instead. As I made my way back over to the car I lost consciousness and fell off the side of the car like a sack of potatoes.

My mom said I was convulsing and having a Grand Mal Seizure. When I opened my eyes I was staring up at the stars and didn't recognize my mom at first. I must have hit the back of my head pretty hard when I fell, and bit my lip because I was bleeding.  When they tried to help me up I couldn't budge because my ankle was broken.

I didn't know until that evening that I was even epileptic. Little had I had known about Epilepsy at all until I had done some research on it. I was stunned to learn about my results.

As my mom drove me to get my EEG she was ridiculing me about not remembering the name of the building it was in. After a seizure my brain is like moosh. It is like reverting back to thinking like a child and slowly has to catch up. When she found out that the name of the building had her same maiden name she was like, "Seriously B? You couldn't remember that? Yeah, something must be seriously wrong." It is a scary thing when your mind start's slipping on you.

First I found out that the drugs I had been taking may have caused my seizures. I should have never been on such meds to begin with, but due to medical malpractice and negligence I was exposed to many ignorant people who thought they knew what was best for me. Unfortunately, Directions For Living did not feel the need to consult in others to find out about my medical history, like my children are suffering with at this moment due to parental alienation.

Second, Epilepsy can be hereditary and triggered commonly by high intense over stimulated sensory neurons in the brain. These chemical malfunctions are triggered due to extreme trauma, temperatures, sounds, and vibrations. These can all play factors, but basically people with Epilepsy are just more sensitive to their surroundings than most other people, which commonly can make them highly intuitive then most people.

There may even be a theory to a connection tying domestic violence and the survival instinct of the brain, especially when the abuser is using constant excessive force to the head over long extended periods of time, this is currently being researched into the domain of Epilepsy functioning. Epilepsy in fact is the body's way of showing us a malfunctioning survival mechanism. Even dead bodies have this capability to develop nervous twitching which is proof that the brain is still developing slow progression of shutting down.

In past history it was known as demonic, or possession, and many times misunderstood. In history people were often hung, thrown in prison, hospitalized, decapitated, and stoned for having Epilepsy.

As time has gone by and we have discovered that it is just a medical condition that can be cured, now advancements in technology, as well as medicine has taught us that many can live a very fulfilling lifestyle with Epilepsy, with the help and support of other's almost anything is possible.

You realize what a cold and dark world we live in, when your all alone to fend for yourself, and everyone has turned their back on you. Even the people you have truly loved and admired your whole life turn out to be traitor's. My biggest fear has been just knowing that I no longer have their support, and in reality knowing that I don’t have anybody. 

I try not to anticipate that I am going to have that one seizure, at the wrong place and time; that is going to set me back and put me out. 
Lights out B, Who are you? 
All that I have written will be completely erased; my past, present, future, hopes, dreams, and inspirations, as if they never existed. What will be left over I can't even imagine? That is what scares me about being Epileptic most of all. 

Fear is a human reaction, but I am not going to let it hinder me from living my life with my children. Knowing that I may not have as much time in this world as many others, has infused me to want to be close to my children even more, but someone is holding us back. That's why I write this today, so that we may never forget where my children came from. How devoted I was to protecting them, and how much I love them a whole bunch.