Chapter Five- Where Is My Daddy?

04/20/1982

My mom and I had to leave our home for our own protection. We stayed at the Holiday Inn in Somerville, MA. It was an extended stay, around Easter Sunday. Mommy got me a makeup Barbie head. She surprised me with a pretty dress, and we went with my nana to Auntie Kay’s house for Easter dinner.

For a long time I didn’t see my daddy and I really missed him. For a long while I didn’t even see my mommy. I just stayed close to my nana’s side and we went everywhere together. She was my best friend ever! One day while we were going down Magazine St. I decided to run ahead of her and she screamed, “Bea stop running! God’s gonna punish you!” I just kept running ahead not paying any mind until it happened…. I tripped over the curb skinning my knee. Then I see my nana putting a little pep in her step to catch up to me. Then she say’s, “see I told you he was gonna punish you.” I retorted back; “Well he didn’t have to push me!”

I kept asking my nana, “Where’s my mommy and daddy?”My nana would say good question? I don’t know. Let’s ask your mother!”Then she would proceed to pick up the phone and dial just to get a busy signal. When my ma finally did get to show her face my nana was outraged with my ma, “What the hell are you doing! This kid has been asking for you. She is your responsibility Brie, if you didn’t want her you shouldn't have had her.” Then ma scooped me up and took me to Auntie Kay’s house and left me there.
My ma started seeing some weird, short, Portuguese dude named Nick. He smelled fishy and had a mustache, he also talked a funny language I had never heard before. Every time he spoke English he sounded funny and I saw him kiss my ma on the lips, and I know my daddy would not let that go. When he was driving us to the mall one day, I kept asking my ma, “Where is my daddy?” I must have asked that same question 30 times and Nick said to my Ma, “What is Bea talking about?” And my ma said to him, “I don’t know. Do you mind pulling over so I can talk to my daughter please?”

So Nick pulled over and let us out. My ma and I stepped into a phone booth and picked up the phone pretending to make a phone call. She handed me the receiver and said, “Listen Bea, you have to stop.” Then I retorted, “ Stop what?” My ma replied, “Stop asking that question.” I yelled at her “ Why? Where is he? I miss my daddy. I want my daddy!” My ma said, “He is not your father!” I questioned her again, “He’s not my daddy? Where is my father?” My ma then retorted, “He’s dead now shut the hell up and get in the goddamn car.”

After I got in the car. I started crying a little bit thinking about Lenny, I couldn’t believe he wasn’t my daddy. Will I ever see him again? Was this new guy Nick gonna be my father now? I was so confused. What about my real father? Did my real daddy have a name? What did he look like? And what did dead mean? I cried myself to sleep. When we got home I pretended to be asleep so my ma would carry me in and embrace me because I felt so alone. Instead, I have this strange man carrying me up the stairs and putting me to bed in a new home, in a new bed, and in a room all by myself. This change really scared me. I cracked open my door to see my ma sniffling and wiping her nose, Nick did it to. Were they sick? I don’t know but it looked like they were smelling baby powder. Whatever it was they kept doing it, sniffling and wiping. All I wanted at that moment was my daddy because it didn’t seem like my ma wanted me around.
I was so sad so I cried myself to sleep again.