Chapter 27- I'll Forever Miss You My Best Friend

05/19/2012

Soon after I was able to collect some money to get back to my nana in MA because she needed me and I needed to be there to care for her. 

When I arrived she seemed so vibrant and full of life and within two weeks she drastically declined. On the last days of her life I listened to her wail in the middle of the night for the Lord to relieve her of her pain and it would kill me inside to watch her suffer and I would pray with her. It was during this time that I found out that I was with child. My nana prayed over my belly and promised to watch over this child even after she was gone she promised to be his guardian angel. We lit a candle and prayed that her journey would be quick and painless.

My nana was a fighter she always had her wits about her and I knew something was wrong the following day before her passing when she mistaken my best friend for somebody else in our family. Then she stopped commenting when we sat and watched General Hospital. Oh, that was not nana, she always had to comment on her soaps. That's when I knew she was slipping away. I haven't watched General Hospital since then because that was our thing.

Hospice came in that same day and admitted her into the hospital and when they came out of the room they informed us, "It is time to say your goodbye's she does not have much time left." Most of us were in denial. Nobody wanted to believe that she was dying. She was the head commander and chief and without her there would have been none of us. We know that. The circle of life had made a complete 360. One passes and another 3 were being born. My cousin Paris just had a baby, my sister Ashleigh was pregnant, and so was I.

Family came out of the woodwork and when I say that, I mean they came deep. It was nice to see how family stuck together during these hard times. My nana was not mother only to us but also to many other's growing up. She took that role on often and played it well.

I watched my nana die. They brought her to the ER and had to put a port in her neck.

Nana wailed, “B stop it! Leave me alone B!" 

That was the last time I heard my Nana call my name or heard her voice and this killed me inside out, because her last memory was of me torturing her and it wasn't even me that was doing it. Why? That just made me feel terrible. I just wanted to get them all off of her and make her better myself, but there was nothing anyone could do. It was too late. All they could possibly do now was try and make her feel as comfortable and pain free as possible.

I stood by her bedside for 3 days and wept and prayed. Other family member's did the same. We just hated seeing her there so motionless. I was just hoping any minute she was going to wake up, but she didn't. Her hands were still warm, her skin was still soft, and her hair was still beautiful. I just knelt on the ground by her bed, held her hand, and cried for what seemed like hours. I prayed the rosary over her body, which she taught me, and then said goodbye because I couldn't do it no more. I was just so tired, hungry, and weak. There was just no more energy left in me. I gave it all to her and her mission to heaven.

So I went back to her room at home and lay on her bed and this book fell down from the top of the closet. This was one of my Nana's spiritual books called, "Inspirations from GOD". I think she wanted me to have it and since 05/19/2012 I have read it every day.

That night I fell asleep and woke up finding out about her death the next morning. I do wish I was there but I know I probably would have had a hard time dealing with it like I do everything else when I am around a lot of people it just intensifies my emotions.

Nothing else ever came easy after that and I felt very disconnected from my family since then because she was the glue that tied me to them and now we have all fallen apart.

Chapter 26- Our Wedding Vows.

02/14/2012

On the day of our wedding Saul and I were rushing down to the last minute. His family was supposed to meet us at our home but they never showed. Later that day we heard that their source of transportation had broken down but I believe Primo may have had something to do with that.

Saul and I argued the whole way to the ceremony. We even discussed turning the car around and going back home and saying the hell with it. As we pulled up we couldn't find parking, and I was shocked to see my Aunt Mary motioning me to hurry up. It really meant a lot to me that she was there because everyone in my family was not able to appear because it was kind of last minute and they lived so far away.

Saul's family was always close and I would envy him for that because no matter how big of an ass he would be they always stood by him. So he was hurting at the moment because his people were not present for this big day and surprisingly someone from my side of the family came on top. I didn't have time to change into my white dress. I actually said my vows in a pink dress with my belly already popping out for show.

My little boy was the ring bearer and best man.  As Mary put the Vail on my head she told me the story of how my Aunt Patty was the first person to wear this Vail on her wedding day, then my mom, then my sister, and now me. I felt honored to be part of this family heirloom tradition and even though these women could not be here for this special occasion at least they could still be present in spirits. I felt very grateful at that moment.

We headed down the aisle with fifty other couples on Valentine's Day at the Botanical Gardens in Clearwater Florida. As I was staring into my soon to be husbands eyes and holding his hands tears started to flow as I said my vows,  "Through sickness and health till death do us part." Now looking back on that day I believe those vows meant the world to me. Unfortunately, they meant nothing to my husband. Actually, I believe now that the only reason why he married me is so he didn't have to get stuck paying child support, because as soon after he went and reported it to the State of Massachusetts and everything he paid out over the years for when Pat and I lived without him he received in back taxes and Pat and I never saw any of it.  This man had a plan, and it wasn't to love us, it was to screw us.

I wish I never married him because it was not worth the torture we endured. He promised we would live a better life down in Florida, he promised we would buy a home, he promised he would stop drinking and save that money to build a better future with a new baby. I foolishly believed all his promises, but none of this ever happened except for the baby.

Chapter 24- New Years Day 2012

01/01/2012

Later that morning I finally gave up looking for him. I found him lurking in the shadows under a tree watching him staring at this pretty cute dancer in her scabies I say, "Yo, what happened to you? " Primo seemed down. 

We headed back to the car and he started sharing what was on his mind. I was just slugging down that Parrot Bay as he spoke I drank more than half the bottle. 

He said, "B what's wrong with me, why won't anyone ever love me?" 

I was like blown away by his statement 

I replied, "whadya mean Primo people love you cuz your fun, crazy, cute I mean what's not to love?" 

He seemed sad, "No man I can't keep a girl, or get my shit on point. Everyone else in my life is settling down and I am stuck in the same old shit." 

My advice was, "You know what you need is a good girl to keep you in check because behind every strong man there is a good woman. Primarily you have to learn to love yourself first because if you don't you won't be capable of loving anyone else back. Don't worry Primo out there you just need to believe, maybe what you need is a sugar momma!" After I had said that I almost wish I hadn't because that wasn't the right answer. 

Primo said, "I'm going to be rich B, but I don't want anyone just to be with me just because of my money." 

Then I said, "Well you'll just need to find her before you make your millions then. It’s my turn. What is it about me Primo? Why is it that Saul don't want to spend time with me?" 

Primo replied, "I don't know what his deal is B your beautiful, look at you, my brother is stupid. Your smart, funny, and chill." 

This really surprised me that Primo thought this way about me. I did a double take in the mirror and said, "Really?" 

Primo retorted, "Hell yeah girl your sexy." 

Then right after he said that the song "Stupid" came on and Primo cranked it up as we cruised slowly down the main strip of YBOR with the convertible top down and leaned all the way back in his chair with his wrist on the wheel. He looked so cool just chillin like a villain and for the first time in awhile I felt sexy again.

The pedestrian's on the strip were getting all hyped up to the music we were cranking. One black man even jumped on Primo's car and started bouncing on it. Honestly I thought Primo was going to get out of his car and start beating his ass, but instead he was chill, laughing along, and singing with them. I was fucking rolling. 

I felt that moment in time to being so sexy and going so smoothly. I wish I could recap it, rewind, and do it all over again.  So I still had a little less than half a bottle of Parrot Bay left and my mind was definitely getting a little fuzzy. 

Primo asks me, "Where to now?" 

I didn't really give a shit and we knew we had no money so I told him, "I don't give a shit." 

So Primo started driving and headed towards the beach and the ocean air was soothing my hair all up into a tizzy. I didn't have a care in the world I felt so free in that convertible. 

When we finally parked and stepped out of the vehicle we got to talking. I felt a connection with Primo after tonight. It had been over a year or so since I even thought about messing around with Primo and it had been a whole Eight years since we had sex last, but I always did have a soft spot in my heart for Primo since the moment we met and I was starting to get the feeling that maybe he felt the same way too.

Up until this moment I felt all there has ever been between us was lust, but tonight I sensed compassion. Something special and spontaneous was happening, of course maybe he was taking advantage of the fact that I was drunk, but once again it was magical. He kissed me and my stomach dropped. It was sweet and tender. He used both his hands and played with my hair and I never felt so much bliss in just one kiss which felt to me like perfect alchemy. I just couldn't keep my hands from roaming all over and having him closer. We both agreed that we needed a place to hide so we went under the bridge where he embraced me while handling me he was in perfect control of the moment. It was quite erotic. 

Only he did hurt me a little by forcing himself upon me in a position I was not too fond of and it hurt so I asked him to stop. When he didn't stop right away I got mad and felt a little violated because he didn't listen to me when I first asked him to. See I've experienced being raped before and was traumatized by it so whenever someone violates my wishes I tend to freak out a little bit, but I understood that he got caught up in the moment and I wasn't going to hold that against him. I felt like I was falling in love with him. This created a bit of a conundrum because I was also in love with his brother, my fiancé. What should I do? This is going to make me feel guilty on so many levels. 

Is it a common trend that people tend to have a fling before they get married out of fear of having sex with the same person for the rest of their life? Am I alone on this?

I personally self sabotaged my life because I was petrified about making such a commitment to being with the same man for the rest of my life to try and aim to please everyone else. I apologize to my nana, my kids, and my insignificant other for not being everything you have dreamed up in your mind for me to be. I am only human and I am sorry. What I really wanted I felt like I couldn't have. Now I am strong enough to write that I will have my family once again and more. For I am free to just being me.....

.........alone unfortunately. 

CHAPTER 21- FLORIDA

09/10/2009

We moved to Largo, FL. to be a family. The economy was bad at this time. Florida was in the under goings of a rescission. Obama was giving out stipends to boost the economy. All Saul and I could find were temporary jobs. I started working as a nanny. Pat was in daycare. My dumb ass was cooking empanadas and getting ready for an interview putting on my stockings and a grease fire started over the oven.

I immediately threw water on it which made it worse. I tried to smother it with a lid but it was too big. So I opened the front door. I picked up the pot by the handle and ran with the fire blazing and threw it out the front door. It is a miracle that my face and body did not have 3rd degree burns everywhere. I thank you GOD for protecting me. It could have been a lot worse. When the fire trucks came all I suffered from was smoke inhalations and a 2nd degree burn on my hand. The firefighter gave me some advice to next time throw milk on the flame during a grease fire or an extinguisher always does wonders.

The housing complex kicked Saul, Pat, and I out on the street. They wouldn't let us stay in our apartment due to repairs. Luckily, Red Cross put us in a hotel for a few nights, but now we found ourselves homeless. Saul did some research and he found a shelter that was willing to take us in Largo FL. It was convenient but we had to share our unit with other families.

The first family we lived with us was a mother, her two daughters, and her son they were from Africa. Her son and my son had to share a room. One day her son got this dumb idea to heat up the tip of Pat's toy and brand my son with it. Saul was pissed so he returned the favor by planting tacks in the kids shoes. The poor kid couldn't walk for weeks.

05/14/2010

Saul's grandmother had passed away while we were here. On this night Saul stopped by the bar on his way home from work and had quite a few drinks. Coming back he was pulled over by Largo police. They took him in and booked him for his second DUI. Largo police responded to a Church driveway the officer approached Saul and noticed a distinct odor of alcohol coming from his breath, his eyes were watery, glassy, and bloodshot, his face was flushed. Saul agreed to complete SFST's and performed poorly. He was arrested. While he was being booked Saul brown nosed the officer and told him, "I appreciate the job that you do. You saved my life, I had about 5-7 bud lights, I am not going to lie." During the investigation, Saul asked the officer to let him go and give him a break because he was Hispanic too. He did this multiple times.

Poor Saul couldn't catch a break. Lost his home, grandmother, job, and our car ended up getting impounded a couple of weeks prior. Everything was turning out to be a mess. Luckily, I was a student and was able to take out an additional lump sum from my loan due to economic hardship to plant us back on our feet in a new apartment. Getting through this time together with Saul made me realize how strong we were as a couple and I learned to appreciate him even more.

10/11/2011

As soon as our family settled into our little apartment Primo came to visit. Just like Primo to come follow us down to Florida from Boston. I decided to treat him by taking him to OZ which was a strip club. We sat at the stage throwing $$$ at the dancers and I asked him "Which girl do you like the most?" We compared besties and then I handed him over a $20 and told him, "Go get em' tiger." Primo say's, "For real B?" I replied, "That's all you, mano." Granted I was flirting a little trying to show some hospitality to my brother.

I still favored him a little which made it difficult on the ride home because I think that lap dance was just a tease to the main course because after I parked the car he was all over me. Now it had been 5 years since we last fooled around and I honestly did not see this coming which opened up a whole slew of feelings that I had packed away thinking it could never exist. I thought about Saul and I stopped myself and said to Primo, "What are we doing?" and Primo whispered, "I don't know you feel so good. " I was proud of myself for keeping my big girl panties on tonight and setting Primo in line. "I am with your brother. I love him. I can't do this." Primo said, "Of course, understood, my bad B."

We decided that's where we were going to leave it, no more fucking around Saul and I were taking our relationship to the next level. Primo was just going to have to except that, hopefully Primo could respect me, and it did get better for awhile until I found out Saul was cheating on me.

Chapter 14- The Biggest Tip Ever

11/16/2004

On a cold fall evening in the middle of November I was cocktailing at the Green Street Bar N Grill and it was salsa night. The club was dead tonight. Kilambo Mambo was playing, and although they were good no crowd was swarming tonight probably due to the weather being freezing. There was one gentlemen sitting at a table all to himself.

He was a bald Hispanic man with strong arms, caramel mocha skin tone, big dark eyebrows that made him appear stern, and a wide nose. I approached the gentlemen and offered him a drink. He ordered a Heineken and we began talking a little. As I walked away I noticed him checking out my ass and thought maybe I can get him to buy ME a drink as well since it was dead at work.

Sure enough he agreed and I sat down next to him and we talked for awhile. I asked him, "So what's your name?" He replied, "I'm Saul,and you?" "Yea, my friends call me Bea." Saul said, "Can I be more than a friend?" I retorted, " Let's just get to know eachother first and we shall see." Saul replied, "Ok, What are you doing after work? Do you wanna grab a bite to eat?" "Ok, I would like that."

Saul left me a big tip too, which was the biggest tip I have ever gotten from a customer since I worked there, I was impressed. We walked down the Square to Hi Five Pizza and grabbed a couple slices. Saul told me he liked to smoke trees, so I offered him some after our pizza we fishbowled my 1998 Ford Mustang and talked about anything and everything as we listened to the Fugees. I gave him my number and we set up a following date.

Chapter 13 - Hello?

5/13/2001

I was old enough now to go on my own and get some answers to all the questions I had about my father. Like what his real name was and where to find him. I asked Brie and she put it bluntly that I should leave well enough alone. He now may be shacked up with a girl named Bea somewhere out in California.

At a family function one night somebody approached me asking me if I was Ed's daughter. They said I looked like him and confirmed his whereabouts and that I could find him out in Long Beach. So I did a U.S. search and sure enough I got a match out in Long Beach, California. I headed out there to see what I could sniff out. As I walked up to the apartment I got so nervous thinking about what I was gonna say. My palms got all sweaty and I almost chickened out. As I approached the door I saw an eviction notice with Fred's name on it. I looked through the windows and the apartment appeared to be empty. I was too late, and I left a letter and came to the conclusion that he was a runner who is always running away from his responsibilities and that he must not want to be found.

I started working out in L.A. pursuing my dream to become an actress. I went to many auditions, and started working at a disco place. I wasn't taking off my clothes, but the job seemed even more degrading because it was run by Iraqi people, but I needed the money to get back to MA where I was from. A terrible accident happened back home. My ten year old cousin and two other children were ejected out of the hatchback of an SUV and died because they were not wearing their seat belts. My nana also found out she was diagnosed with colon cancer. I sensed my family needed me, so I headed back to MASS. Brie moved on quick she got married, divorced, and married again by now. She was always changing. I never knew who she was going to be next.

I decided to go back to school to become a teacher, and take care of my nana. It was great, like we were two peas in a pod again. I helped her with her dressings and wounds and she made me breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Every morning we ate our oatmeal and cinnamon raisin toast bread with extra butter and a cup of tea, I remember it like it was yesterday. I miss that. I started working at a place called the Green Street Bar N' Grill. When I was a kid I used to walk by it everyday and admire the musicians that would play and I fell in love with jazz from the moment I was introduced to it, and I said to myself when I got older I would work there. Sure enough I did.

Today I walked in with my chin held high and walked out as a cocktail waitress. So I went to school, worked full-time as a daycare teacher, and part time as a cocktail waitress and cared for my nana. I kept busy, I was a young twenty-four, so I could handle that sort of thing. I had Ed's mom that lived in the same building as my nana, but she would just avoid me. One day I met Ed's sister Aunt Dee who was a lesbian, who straight out said to me, "Leave my mother alone. She don't want nothing to do with you or Ed." I told Aunt Dee, "Listen, I don't even know the guy, but that is fine."

Chapter 12- DIABLO

12/7/2000

Right before Christmas season Saul was expecting his first child too, at the age of Twenty-Two and it was kind of unexpected. He had a little girl named Johana, she really was his pride and joy.

His babies mama Kim was a heavy set girl, she wore glasses and was milado, A mixture of caucasion and black. Papa didn't except her and made it impossible for Saul to fall in love with Kim.

Actually, between Saul's parents there really was no women that could measure up to the pedestal they put their two sons on. They fed both their son's with so much machismo it was even hard for Saul and Primo to measure up to their own parents expectations.

Saul tried to make them proud but he held his heart on his sleave in hopes that he may one day meet the right one. He worked day in and day out just like his papa did. One dark, cold, and lonely night Saul walked in on Kim and his best friend were going at "It" in his bed that he paid for, and that was the bottom line. Saul ripped her off of him throwing her up against the wall leaving bruises up and down her back and decked his boy in the face breaking a window, and putting several holes in the wall. Saul blacked out in a fit of rage totaling and dismantling everything.

The landlord had to sue Saul for all the damages to the apartment and was banned from entering the premises with a restraining order to not step 500ft from Kim or Johana, $5000 debt left in repairs, legal fee's, anger management classes and he lost his license in-defiantly for being a habitual offender. Yet Saul acted as if he didn't seem to care. Actually he bragged about being the dirtiest player in the game. He thought he was that WWF wrestler Nature Boy Rick Flair...Woot!

But he was really Diablo incarnate.

Chapter 11 - Bad Primo

October 11, 1999

Primo became quite a hood rat when he met his teen years. He still had the same complexion and his hair was long. The only thing that changed was his style and outlook on life, and bad ass attitude.

Primo was the age of fifteen now. He wore his Nike air Jordan’s with the laces inside and tongue out, His Kango hat and baggy jeans below his butt. He really didn’t give a shit what anyone thought, for he will do what he wants. He had no responsibilities and he tried to keep it that way. Sometimes, he thought it was his responsibility to pick a fight with anyone and everyone who looked at him funny. Saul was the same way too. Primo decided to drop out high school and shack up with Lu Lu.

Lu Lu was a pretty Italian girl about 6ft. tall with heels on, brunette with long bone straight hair. Primo considered her; his and he made sure by getting Lu Lu pregnant. So at fifteen years of age Lu Lu and Primo were expecting and as soon as Primo found out he was ecstatic. He immediately went shopping started buying things. Then nine months later his oldest daughter Noel was born. Then several months later Lu Lu was pregnant again and another nine months Later Primo’s oldest son Desi was born. (Cry baby)

Two little rug rats both in the care of two teenagers was a bit disorientating it was up to them to set a good example, but how could they when they were just children themselves? They tried but it was just too stressful so Primo turned to drinking. See this was the example Primo’s father “Papa” set for him, so he figured this is how one copes with stress. This drinking was definitely not a healthy choice and he really wasn’t a nice drinker either, he was downright violent.

One night when they were trying to get the kids down to bed, Lu Lu and Primo got into a heated discussion. Lu Lu was breastfeeding the baby and giving Primo heat about looking for a job and supporting his kids. Times were stressful and Primo felt he needed another drink to block out his responsibilities and Lu Lu was up in his grill. He pushed her with the baby in her arms and then Lu Lu put the baby down and flipped a lid on Primo, in his defense he did the same, and she called the cops.

Needless to say, Primo spent quite a few months in jail. When he got out he tried to rekindle his relationship with Lu Lu but she had already moved on without him, met somebody else, and refused to let him see his kid’s unless he paid child support.

Of course Primo wasn’t the type of guy to EVER pay child support. He would rather work under the table, spend all his money on luxury items, drugs, and booze and party his life away and say; “Fuck that bitch, pen déjà, I don’t give a fuck about you.” So he turned his back on his two kids and ex-babies mama, JUST LIKE THAT! What a jerk. OR, did they push him away enough times to never attempt again over the fear of being rejected again and again?

Chapter Six- Primo's Arrival

7-15-1984

Mr. Sanchez, like I mentioned before had to work three jobs to make ends meet. Mrs Sanchez being nine months pregnant would have another mouth to feed. Due to the fact that they were very poor immigrants Mrs. Sanchez did not have insurance or a doctor to assist her with her health care.

One day while Mrs. Sanchez was doing laundry she reached down to pull out the wet clothes, while she was bending over she felt a contraction and started to panic. She immediately went to her neighbor for help. Mrs. Sanchez' neighbors name was Rose who was also from Nicaragua, and she actually resembled Mrs. Sanchez who was a short, stout woman with Mayan features. Mrs Sanchez knew she better go to the hospital for this was her second child and she knew what a contraction meant, so she asked Rose to watch Sal while she got checked out by a Doctor.

Mrs. Sanchez hobbled onto a bus and made her way to the hospital. The contractions seemed to be coming on every 15 minutes. Boy did this pain hurt. Mrs. Sanchez was praying on the bus that her baby was OK. When she got to the LA Metropolitan Hospital they turned her away because she did not have insurance, and could not speak English; so they could not understand her predicament. This created quite an obstacle for Mrs. Sanchez She did not know what to do. Poor Mrs. Sanchez, she was so scared. She couldn't even understand why the people in the hospital would not assist her. She was frightened, confused, and overall upset. Now the contractions were coming along every 10 minutes and excruciatingly painful. Mrs. Sanchez sat on a park bench in the middle of L.A. Huffing, unprepared, and getting ready to have a baby.

Soon there was a young, white, and beautiful woman walking her child by Mrs. Sanchez, and the woman saw her struggling in pain. She approached and asked Mrs. Sanchez, “Hi, Are you OK?” Mrs. Sanchez replied, “Ay u dame, por favor!” (Help me please). As she grimaced in pain. The woman came to the conclusion right away that Mrs. Sanchez was in some serious pain and by the size of her abdomen that she was pregnant. Mrs. Sanchez was holding her belly and pointing saying, “Yo soy cuidado, Ay ma ma, Ay de mi! Ay u dame'. Por favor!” (Be careful. Oh my ma!! Oh my God. Help me please.) And then she let out a loud cry, “Aaaaah!” The woman was with her baby and it wasn't too long ago that she was mustering up the courage to deliver her own child. Even though the woman could not understand Mrs Sanchez she definitely knew that Mrs. Sanchez was in labor now. She knew what that Aaaah! Meant; that the baby was coming.

The woman with her baby stroller and child made their way to the nearest telephone and called 911. It didn't take long for the ambulance to respond. When the EMT's arrived Mrs. Sanchez contractions started coming along harder and faster. They were now 8 minutes apart. Although Mrs. Sanchez never did get this woman's name who helped her; she considered her a guardian angel and thanked her kindly

Mrs. Sanchez said to her, “Ay de mi, gracias angel; muchos gracias.” (Oh my God, thank you angel; thank you very much). The woman held her hand and stayed by her side as they loaded Mrs. Sanchez into the ambulance. The woman stood by and watched with her baby in her arms. Mrs. Sanchez stared in amazement thinking; could this be the blessed mother Mary coming to her aide? An angel from heaven above, sent from God? An answer to all her prayers. Mrs. Sanchez said, “Adios, gracias blankita!” (Thank you white woman, good bye).

By the time the ambulance arrived at the hospital her contractions were even closer, they were 5 minutes apart. She was screaming and panting in pain and her water broke so she was soaking wet now. They had her cut her clothes off to get to the spot where the baby was crowning. Mrs. Sanchez felt a little violated since they had to come at her with scissors. She was a bit frightened; but her clothes were all bloody anyways so she let it go.

Sure enough the baby was crowning and the contractions were coming along every 3 minutes The pain was unbearable, but it was too late now for anesthesia. The baby was absolutely coming. Mrs. Sanchez was hoping for a baby girl so she could have the best of both worlds with a boy and girl. This was the first time any man other than her husband had seen her vagina. She felt a little uncomfortable about it. She understood the necessity of it, though if she had a choice she would have assigned herself a female doctor.
As Mrs. Sanchez struggled to push and breathe the doctor buried his head under the slip of covers cascading over the miracle that was about to come into this world. The doctor said, “Oh boy! This baby is coming any minute. This woman is fully dilated and the head is crowning. Seems to be in position. We're having a baby!” As the doctor prepped his nurses for the new arrival he asked Mrs. Sanchez to push even though she couldn't understand, Mrs. Sanchez did as she was told.

Chapter Five- Where Is My Daddy?

04/20/1982

My mom and I had to leave our home for our own protection. We stayed at the Holiday Inn in Somerville, MA. It was an extended stay, around Easter Sunday. Mommy got me a makeup Barbie head. She surprised me with a pretty dress, and we went with my nana to Auntie Kay’s house for Easter dinner.

For a long time I didn’t see my daddy and I really missed him. For a long while I didn’t even see my mommy. I just stayed close to my nana’s side and we went everywhere together. She was my best friend ever! One day while we were going down Magazine St. I decided to run ahead of her and she screamed, “Bea stop running! God’s gonna punish you!” I just kept running ahead not paying any mind until it happened…. I tripped over the curb skinning my knee. Then I see my nana putting a little pep in her step to catch up to me. Then she say’s, “see I told you he was gonna punish you.” I retorted back; “Well he didn’t have to push me!”

I kept asking my nana, “Where’s my mommy and daddy?”My nana would say good question? I don’t know. Let’s ask your mother!”Then she would proceed to pick up the phone and dial just to get a busy signal. When my ma finally did get to show her face my nana was outraged with my ma, “What the hell are you doing! This kid has been asking for you. She is your responsibility Brie, if you didn’t want her you shouldn't have had her.” Then ma scooped me up and took me to Auntie Kay’s house and left me there.
My ma started seeing some weird, short, Portuguese dude named Nick. He smelled fishy and had a mustache, he also talked a funny language I had never heard before. Every time he spoke English he sounded funny and I saw him kiss my ma on the lips, and I know my daddy would not let that go. When he was driving us to the mall one day, I kept asking my ma, “Where is my daddy?” I must have asked that same question 30 times and Nick said to my Ma, “What is Bea talking about?” And my ma said to him, “I don’t know. Do you mind pulling over so I can talk to my daughter please?”

So Nick pulled over and let us out. My ma and I stepped into a phone booth and picked up the phone pretending to make a phone call. She handed me the receiver and said, “Listen Bea, you have to stop.” Then I retorted, “ Stop what?” My ma replied, “Stop asking that question.” I yelled at her “ Why? Where is he? I miss my daddy. I want my daddy!” My ma said, “He is not your father!” I questioned her again, “He’s not my daddy? Where is my father?” My ma then retorted, “He’s dead now shut the hell up and get in the goddamn car.”

After I got in the car. I started crying a little bit thinking about Lenny, I couldn’t believe he wasn’t my daddy. Will I ever see him again? Was this new guy Nick gonna be my father now? I was so confused. What about my real father? Did my real daddy have a name? What did he look like? And what did dead mean? I cried myself to sleep. When we got home I pretended to be asleep so my ma would carry me in and embrace me because I felt so alone. Instead, I have this strange man carrying me up the stairs and putting me to bed in a new home, in a new bed, and in a room all by myself. This change really scared me. I cracked open my door to see my ma sniffling and wiping her nose, Nick did it to. Were they sick? I don’t know but it looked like they were smelling baby powder. Whatever it was they kept doing it, sniffling and wiping. All I wanted at that moment was my daddy because it didn’t seem like my ma wanted me around.
I was so sad so I cried myself to sleep again.

Chapter One - WETBACKS!

6/13/1978


The 30 Year war. The Conquistadors vs. The Sandinista's, Central America. Mr. Sanchez fled the communist government in Nicaragua to the United States of America to be liberated from Ortega Vega communism. Mr. Sanchez crossed the border to find work in America and start a newer and freer life in America “Land of the free”.

Mrs. Sanchez just had a new born baby, and when that baby turned four years old Mr Sanchez saved up enough money to bring his family to America. Mrs. Sanchez was a school teacher and was threatened death by the Sandinista Government if she continued teaching. Mrs. Sanchez, the Coyote, and Saul (Mr. & Mrs. Sanchez little boy) walked through the hot desert of Mexico 6 days and 7 nights in the middle of April 15, 1983. The boy, only five years old, at the time suffered from heat stroke and had to swallow his own urine to stay alive. Many were the dangers along their travels. Finally they met the Rio Grande. Nearby was a shack where they chose to rest for the day because the child was too weak to carry on.

The following days Saul was able to regain his strength and one day while he enjoyed skipping rocks along the river bend, a dog crept up behind Saul and attacked him. Mrs. Sanchez, being the overprotective mother that she was, struck the dog on the head with a rock putting the dog to rest. Saul never did like dogs ever since. When dusk set in the three of them set out to cross the Rio Grande River. Saul did not know how to swim and almost drowned this night, but luckily for him the Coyote was a strong swimmer. He was successfully able to fight against the strong current of the river; and get across with Saul on his back. The Coyote was trained to survive and guide, and that's what he certainly did for the Sanchez family. He knew all the right paths to take throughout the back woods of New Mexico and over the fence into Texas.

What Americans did was label these immigrants as wetbacks. At the time Ronald Reagan, president of the United States of America, was granting Asylum to immigrants that were fleeing their countries due to communism and the 30-year war in Central America. The only way for these immigrants to get into America was to get their backs wet and cross the Rio Grande River and dare not turn back or they may lose their lives to the border patrol. Hence the label that ignorant Americans use towards immigrants as “Wetbacks!”.

DREAM (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by, B' onnie

DREAM  lyrics by, B' onnie

This is my dream
and I'm going to go for it.
With or without you.
Your not holding me back.
I had enough of that crap.
I wish I could fly
And touch the clouds in the sky.

(Dream)

Be calm and be true
And you can make it through
All those hurdles and bumps
Turn to yourself
Don't look to nobody else
It's one of those things
We all have to go through
To find out what makes you
You.

(Dream)

Talk To Me - (Synopsis) by, B' onnie

True love story in the making. WE are embarking upon a new era. A spiritual awakening. Some of us are daunted by it, wasting their abilities in the darkness of denial and doubt. Others are reaching new plateus of communication beyond their wildest dreams. What we encounter is incredible. I just want to talk to my soul mate and make him aware of these discoveries, but he is in denial for now. Perhaps in the  not so distant future we will be one in alchemy once again.

JOY

Let the heavens be glad, and let the Earth rejoice, and let them  say among the nations, "The LORD reigns!"
                       - 1 Chronicles 16:31

TALK TO ME- (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by, B' onnie

TALK TO ME - by, B' onnie

Now you had to go away
I understand that time has
Put us at bay
I promise you this
I'll never give up on you
Sending letters sealed with a 💋
To give you hope that I'm still here when the day finally appeared I waited for you all morning my dear
But then our father picked you up and it was important that I talked to you and divulged all this stuff.

Why don't you talk to me?
Please hold me in your arms
Please baby talk to me
I know that we can be somehow
Just talk to me.

When I finally had the chance
You took me for that ride and fulfilled all of my dreams
I didn't know it at the time
But people who were complex came between us
You see it happens all the time
Everyone was confused
Because we were in denial
That we were in cahoots
Your parents did declare
That they didn't want me
near you
And that made us very sad

Why don't you talk to me?
Didn't we make a connection?
Why don't you talk to me
I can't handle your rejection
Just talk to me!

I'm crying on the telephone
And now my gut is wrentching
Like torture
And I am crawling in the floor
I feel lonely and confused
That knowing I had been used
To face the truth once more
It could have been our little girl
That I always wanted with you Papi
Mi Amor

Why don't you talk to me?
My body is sprawled upon the ground.
Why don't you talk to me?
I am now dancing like a clown.

Just talk to me! !!

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