HOMELESSNESS (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by B' onnie

September 2015

HOMELESSNESS  - by, B' onnie

Homelessness 
Is mother nature's bliss
People take eachother for granted 
But when their gone
They will be greatly missed
Peace on Earth is such a fallacy

Pardon me
I struggle to get my need's 
Lack of nurturing love 
Is why I am here you see.

People think I'm gone
And wish I leave
But I will never give up 
On my love for me.

When I think I don't belong
I see the innocence of my son's.
Although they are near 
I cannot feel his hair,
Or help him out of his highchair.

I cannot sing, dance, or have fun
With my little baby son's!

It breaks my heart 
When people play these games
And ruin innocent children's lives
So they can get their way.

I'm sorry.....
The only thing or crime that I've done
Is loved the wrong man..

Son......

Chapter 46- Happy Birthday B!

06/13/2015

I can't say I didn't try to get a hold of Primo for weeks because I did,  but at some point I lost hope.

I gave up and said to myself if it is meant to be, and he is really my twin flame then it will be. He will somehow find his way back to me.

Another soul mate was catching my attention through Facebook just in the nick of time. It was destiny. An old friend from grade school. You know the one? The boy that was always getting sent to the principles office. I was always too shy to approach him back then. Do you believe that? Me? Shy?

His name was Zane and he hit me up right before my birthday for a date and I was relieved that I didn't have to spend it alone like I was going to.

I had a job interview which turned out good and I started to get ready for my date. I wasn't really sure how I should dress, but it was Florida so I could get away with something hot. I put on some high heeled strappy shoes and brought my flip flops just in case. I wore my pink halter top with my black sailor pants. Threw my hair up in a french twist and applied some makeup just in time for the bell to ring.

Who to my wondering eyes should appear, but somebody I haven't seen in over 20 years.

He had his shades on, and he was tall, dirty blonde. He was wearing boots with jeans and t- shirt. Still cute like I recall. I welcomed him in my home and offered him a drink. Zane declined and we exited. We decided to go to first night in downtown St. Pete. On the first Friday night of every month St. Petersburg shuts traffic down around the blocks where all the clubs are at so customer's can party safely.

As I stepped into my driveway I saw what Zane arrived in, but none other than a Harley Davidson.  Wow! No friggin way! This is my ultimate dream come true. Sportin a Hot ride, to a Hot spot, with a Hot guy, on my fucking Birthday, how fucking cool is this? Pinch me because I know I got to be fucking dreaming.

I just want to say thank you Zane from the bottom of my heart for making one of my dreams come true and I only wish I could have made one of those dreams a reality for you too, from the bottom of my heart it's true. Just between the two of us. We will always have this night to remember.

Like I said that night was a dream, from the two of us arriving at Applebee's and getting our picture snapped by random stranger's. To you opening the door and treating me like a lady the whole night, and catering to grabbing my shoes when I could no longer sport my heels. You were a complete gentlemen that night, and I am glad I met you Zane.

Thank you for coming into my life just in the nick of time, because I believed you may have saved it.

Chapter 45- Pat the truth is....

06/11/2015

Saul and I discussed that it was time he moved out, for us living together was becoming way too awkward. It was not working out for the two of us. He moved into his parents apartment. We both agreed to sit down and tell the truth to Pat once he got home from school.

We all sat around the dining room table and had a discussion with Pat. "Listen, son first of all we want you to know that none of this is any of your fault and that you have done nothing wrong. Daddy and mommy are still your parents who love you, but we are just not going to be living together anymore." B said to Pat, "I'm sorry baby this is all our fault and has absolutely nothing to do with you or your brother we believe it is best for now until we figure out what really makes us happy. So your dad is moving over to Papa and Abuela's place for awhile." Pat responded, "No! I don't want him to."

Saul said, "There is something else you must know also we need to do a test. It won't hurt. Just a piece of your hair or saliva to check your DNA. There is a possibility that you may not be my son. Uncle Primo may be your dad." Pat said, "Uncle Primo!" "Yeah!" B said.

Omg finally the truth be told, but still almost two-three years lator and do we have the paternity test result's? NO!
The proof is in the pudding?
Who is the baby's daddy?
Inquiring minds wanna know.
Well, at least the mother and son want to know. Obviously the father's are too scared or they would have given up their specimens a decade ago. I could just see the look of disappointment in Pat's face knowing that I had kept this secret from him his whole life, but when is a good time to tell a child the truth about who his real father is? He was now nine years old and it was complicated enough as it was for the three of us without including Pat. Now he was in the loop and it was only fair that we get results, which still remains to be seen because I have been completely alienated from my children at this time. I don't know if Pat even know's the truth or not, but I do know the truth because I know who I made love to and when son.

All I know in my heart is that I loved my Pat more than anything in this world he is the sweetest most sensitive boy really. He tried everything to keep his father and I together. He wrote a letter and gave it to me pretending it was written by Saul in Pat's handwriting apologizing to me so we wouldn't fight anymore. I felt horrible breaking up with Saul like I was letting my son down. Which was the biggest reason why I put up with the relationship for so long. I couldn't understand it either because Saul would treat Pat awful, but Pat still loved him.

06/15/15
One night Saul brought Jr and Pat home he was all drunk (DUI) and upset because Papa and him got into a fight, because papa hit Jr. off the head with the remote control. Now this is the third or fourth traumatic head injury that we know about that has happened within the last two year's. God only knows if there has been more let's pray for his sake not.:( I'm a very worried mommy right now. 😞 sick.

LET HIM GO. (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by B' onnie

May 2015

 

LET HIM GO

Let him go, let him go

It is time to let him go

It is evident he don't need you

Or want you so

You need to 

Let him go

He broke your heart

So ease your pain

And relinquish 

Thoughts in your brain

You don't have to wallow in pain

Sometimes life may seem so mundane

So take your time 

And let him go

You tell yourself

That he'll be there

But in fact he really don't care

What did I do

For you to hate me so?

Other than loving you

So let him

Go.

Feel free to listen to this song with instrumentals behind it on SoundCloud.com- Boston B'onnie Audette. Thanx 4 listening n caring. This song goes out to my soon to be 

x-husband that proves 2 me day by day that he never really gave a shit about me to begin with, so why should I even care so much? I guess I was the better person in the relationship since I showed a lot more compassion then most people would have. 

Chapter 30- STOP!

08/26/2013

The day of the car accident....

Saul and I argued often, what we were arguing about specifically tonight I really couldn't tell you. Honestly, I didn't even feel like we were arguing at all, maybe just not agreeable on what we were watching on TV. So Saul decided to Tomahawk chuck the remote squarely in between my two eyes off of my forehead. All I saw was star's.  I was so stunned and hurt that I began to cry and Saul started apologizing to say it was just an accident, but clearly it wasn't.  It was mean and deliberate and I felt violated so I left and went for a ride in my car.

I didn't know of many places I could go. I did have a client named Missy who I would give a ride to work early every morning. I decided to park in front of her house and wait it out till morning. Missy spotted me parked out in her driveway and welcomed me into her home. I opened up to her and shared my marital problems I was having with Saul to her. She seemed to sympathize with me and helped me cope with my emotions.

That morning as I was driving Missy to work we made a complete stop at a stop sign and saw a vehicle coming towards us. The truck appeared to be coming at us head on and not slowing down and it hit us and kept coming. I blew on my horn to alert the driver who seemed to be asleep at the wheel. The truck just plowed through my car pushing it ten feet away. Missy exits my vehicle yelling at the driver, "Hey Bitch! Can't you see us stopped here? What are you blind?" The driver who appeared to be Vietnamese whom was half awake was like "huh?"

Ridiculous, I wasn't even able to get out of my driver side door it had to be completely replaced. The insurance company wanted to declare my car a total loss. I wasn't about to do such a thing considering that I finally paid it off and put a ton of money into it. I was ready for this car to make me some money back. What I didn't realize is that I was going to have to kill my back doing it. I was in some serious back pain. No playing. I needed a tens unit, chiropractor, massage therapy, and all that shit. I found out that I had three herniated discs in my back and will have to suffer with sporadic back pain for the rest of my life. It was excruciating sciatica pain too that would run down the  leg preventing me to walk correctly.

I recall Primo was supposed to fix my car. Saul, Primo, and I went to find parts at the junkyard and I was limping around in pain. I wanted to make sure the job was getting done. Sometimes if you want something done right you have to take matters into your own hands and that is what I was trying to do. Knowing Primo it kind of backfired on me, but regardless I knew it was going to because that is what happens every time you mix business with family. Primo wanted all the money up front, and he was mad because I would only give him half until the job was done. Sure enough Primo took his sweet ass time doing it and did a half assed job as well and I was expected to pay him for a job well done which seemed like a joke to me. To top it all off he shows up with his girlfriend and talks down to me like I was the biggest shit bag on Earth for not conducting business professionally. Personally it hurt a lot that Primo always just saw me as some kind of personal investment instead of a human being with feelings.

(Message to Primo- Granted I may not do things the same way everyone else does there is always a method behind it. In this case it was to prevent you from shoving it all up your nose and doing none of the work. I can't believe you. Now you see why I reacted the way that I did? I saw what your plans were for me, you had no intention to help me, you had every intention to screw me, but I made you help me anyway and this pissed you off. Do you really think I am dumb? Think again. Never underestimate my psychic abilities baby. I got you pegged my love. I will never fall for your scrupulous endeavors no matter how clever. That is the one thing this lesson has taught me.)

I was in so much pain the next day. On my way to the bathroom I passed out. Saul caught my fall and called the ER because I was not breathing. Ambulance said my blood pressure was extremely low. I woke up completely paralyzed. I was not able to move, I had no feeling. This was my first syncope somatic episode. It had not occurred to me at the time that what I had experienced was a seizure that had been triggered by the severe pain in my back.

CHapter 28- No good dirty cheating

08/30/2012

Pat my six year old son, was playing video games on Saul's phone one day and a message came in then Pat hands me the phone and says, "What's this mommy?" I looked at the message and I saw a picture of a positive pregnancy test and I said, "What!"

Saul was asleep so I responded back pretending to be Saul."Whose baby?", I found out the message was received by a girl named Emma who met Saul at the pool one day while I was away visiting my nana in Boston. She fed Saul some beers and one thing led to another and sure enough they hooked up. Now she is supposedly pregnant with my husband’s baby.

I am thinking to myself we just got married and now I am pregnant, GOD are you fucking with me again? Just my luck, I'm over it. So I started throwing Saul's shit out along with Saul and when he came back I wouldn't let him in. I should have never let him back into our lives, but I couldn't financially support us on my own, I was still grieving and hoping for emotional support from my husband, I would try to confide in my husband he would produce just the opposite by throwing it in my face or dismissing my feelings altogether. He was pressuring me constantly to get a job because he felt it was not fair that he be the only one working and he was only able to find temporary work.

Yet I was still grieving and seeking services to help me with my pregnancy. There was this program called Healthy Families that offered counseling and referrals to get the baby things. I took advantage of these services because I knew we were living paycheck to paycheck and Saul would frequently lose his job, so I utilized all the services I could get. There was this one place called the Pregnancy Center and they would give me a stack of diapers every class I would attend. Baby items, crochets blankets, and clothes.

While I was 5 months pregnant bending over picking up toys and yelling at Pat to clean his room I started having contractions. I got real scared because it was way too soon for me to be having them. I began to panic. Then I went to my room and started crying thinking I was losing the baby. As I was praying I saw my nana's picture on my dresser and prayed that she please honor her commitment to bless this child. There was this little music box my nana gave me to remember her by that played "You Are My Sunshine" and I would just wind up the music box placing it on my belly and start taking long deep breaths. Eventually the contractions subsided; when my husband got home he rushed me to the hospital.

They had me drink a lot of fluids and had me waiting at Morton Plant Hospital ER in Largo, FL for four hours for an ultrasound. They were extremely rude. I had to go to the bathroom so bad and the one thing you definitely don't want to do is make a poor pregnant girl wait to go to the bathroom. My husband had to dump four bedpan buckets down the sink and I still had a full enough bladder for the ultrasound. The Dr. Stated I was probably showing withdrawal symptoms from my meds that I was on prior to my pregnancy and contractions due to stress which was no surprise to me considering all the surprises and changes going on and I can only imagine there will be more in our lives.

Unfortunately, my husband's drinking started getting out of hand. He also displayed this kind of behavior the last time I was pregnant with Pat. I thought he would have changed his ways after us getting married, but he didn't, he just disrespected me even more. I started finding e-mails he would send to other women. He even put up a dating profile claiming he was single.

One night I waited up for him till 3 am thinking he was dead. I called all the hospitals because he was not answering my phone calls or texts. I called his parents house because that's where he says he usually is and his mother claims he never came by. Then an hour later I receive a phone call from a deputy claiming they pulled Saul over and that he was intoxicated. The officer said that he didn't mind waiting if I was able to pick up my car within the next hour before they impounded it. 

I asked the officer is, "Is there another passenger in the car with him?" 

The official claims, "Yes, it's another female mam." 

Do you know what I ended up doing? Mind you I was six months pregnant at the time. I had to ride a bicycle 5 miles away to his parent’s house and ask them for a ride to go get my car. Unfortunately their car was in the shop so they could not assist me. So I had to peddle my bike back home and my car was impounded anyway. Saul was arrested and I didn't get any sleep that night. Here is what was happening on the other end of the spectrum.

In the area of 20th avenue and Gulf Blvd, officer observed a black 1998 Ford 2 door vehicle bearing FL. Tags southbound on Gulf Blvd. As officer attempted to follow vehicle it abruptly turned Eastbound on 16th Ave. I noticed driver appeared to be Hispanic male and I continued to run the registration. As the registration came back I found the registered owner Salomon Sanches was suspended.  As I turned off Gulf Blvd. at 14th Ave and saw the vehicle was now attempting to continue southbound on Gulf Blvd. As it passed my location, I got behind it again, and the vehicle quickly pulled off into the driveway of someone's home. The driver, a Hispanic male, got out of the car and began checking the rear passenger side of the vehicle. I asked the driver to get back into his vehicle and asked for his driver's license and registration. The driver provided me with  a MA driver's license in the name of Salomon Sanches. The expiration date on the license was clearly altered to read "2018." I asked Salomon why he turned off and then back onto Gulf Blvd. 

He stated he was looking for "a friend" but did not know the address. He saw the residence that his friend lived in but it was dark so he decided to continue on his journey to drop off his "girlfriend" and passenger (later identified as MiMi) at her residence in St. Pete Beach. When I asked who else is this car registered to? He replied, "My wife." He then corrected his "girlfriend" statement to mean an old friend from MA who was female and also a friend of his wife. 

I noticed Salomon's hands were shaking and he appeared to be very nervous. He also had a very strong and obvious odor of alcohol coming from his breath and body. His eyes were red, bloodshot, and glassy. His speech, though slightly accented (Spanish) was mumbled. When I asked Salomon what his "old friends" name was, he was only able to provide her stage name as she was a stripper.

The deputy arrived and removed MiMi from the vehicle to get information from her and found out she had previous charges for prostitution and also had cocaine in her possession. 

Salomon then stated, "my license is suspended. " 

I removed Salomon from the car, placed him in handcuffs and secured in cruiser. The mustang was impounded while Salomon was transported to the station to undergo a CBT, he was escorted through the process and failed to satisfactory complete FSTs and was told he was under arrest for DUI. I then escorted him to the intoxilyzer and began a 20 min. observation period, officer read Salomon his implied consent which he initially refused to take a breath test by stating he is "not drunk at all." The results of the breath test were .122/.125 BrAC. Salomon was issued a citation for DWLS/R and DUI

Case closed, solved with arrest.....to be continued $6000 in debt later. Saul being incarcerated for 9 days while Pat and I waited patiently with no food, money, or support for several week’s. This is the custodial parent of my children, which is extremely unfortunate.

Chapter 27- I'll Forever Miss You My Best Friend

05/19/2012

Soon after I was able to collect some money to get back to my nana in MA because she needed me and I needed to be there to care for her. 

When I arrived she seemed so vibrant and full of life and within two weeks she drastically declined. On the last days of her life I listened to her wail in the middle of the night for the Lord to relieve her of her pain and it would kill me inside to watch her suffer and I would pray with her. It was during this time that I found out that I was with child. My nana prayed over my belly and promised to watch over this child even after she was gone she promised to be his guardian angel. We lit a candle and prayed that her journey would be quick and painless.

My nana was a fighter she always had her wits about her and I knew something was wrong the following day before her passing when she mistaken my best friend for somebody else in our family. Then she stopped commenting when we sat and watched General Hospital. Oh, that was not nana, she always had to comment on her soaps. That's when I knew she was slipping away. I haven't watched General Hospital since then because that was our thing.

Hospice came in that same day and admitted her into the hospital and when they came out of the room they informed us, "It is time to say your goodbye's she does not have much time left." Most of us were in denial. Nobody wanted to believe that she was dying. She was the head commander and chief and without her there would have been none of us. We know that. The circle of life had made a complete 360. One passes and another 3 were being born. My cousin Paris just had a baby, my sister Ashleigh was pregnant, and so was I.

Family came out of the woodwork and when I say that, I mean they came deep. It was nice to see how family stuck together during these hard times. My nana was not mother only to us but also to many other's growing up. She took that role on often and played it well.

I watched my nana die. They brought her to the ER and had to put a port in her neck.

Nana wailed, “B stop it! Leave me alone B!" 

That was the last time I heard my Nana call my name or heard her voice and this killed me inside out, because her last memory was of me torturing her and it wasn't even me that was doing it. Why? That just made me feel terrible. I just wanted to get them all off of her and make her better myself, but there was nothing anyone could do. It was too late. All they could possibly do now was try and make her feel as comfortable and pain free as possible.

I stood by her bedside for 3 days and wept and prayed. Other family member's did the same. We just hated seeing her there so motionless. I was just hoping any minute she was going to wake up, but she didn't. Her hands were still warm, her skin was still soft, and her hair was still beautiful. I just knelt on the ground by her bed, held her hand, and cried for what seemed like hours. I prayed the rosary over her body, which she taught me, and then said goodbye because I couldn't do it no more. I was just so tired, hungry, and weak. There was just no more energy left in me. I gave it all to her and her mission to heaven.

So I went back to her room at home and lay on her bed and this book fell down from the top of the closet. This was one of my Nana's spiritual books called, "Inspirations from GOD". I think she wanted me to have it and since 05/19/2012 I have read it every day.

That night I fell asleep and woke up finding out about her death the next morning. I do wish I was there but I know I probably would have had a hard time dealing with it like I do everything else when I am around a lot of people it just intensifies my emotions.

Nothing else ever came easy after that and I felt very disconnected from my family since then because she was the glue that tied me to them and now we have all fallen apart.

Chapter 26- Our Wedding Vows.

02/14/2012

On the day of our wedding Saul and I were rushing down to the last minute. His family was supposed to meet us at our home but they never showed. Later that day we heard that their source of transportation had broken down but I believe Primo may have had something to do with that.

Saul and I argued the whole way to the ceremony. We even discussed turning the car around and going back home and saying the hell with it. As we pulled up we couldn't find parking, and I was shocked to see my Aunt Mary motioning me to hurry up. It really meant a lot to me that she was there because everyone in my family was not able to appear because it was kind of last minute and they lived so far away.

Saul's family was always close and I would envy him for that because no matter how big of an ass he would be they always stood by him. So he was hurting at the moment because his people were not present for this big day and surprisingly someone from my side of the family came on top. I didn't have time to change into my white dress. I actually said my vows in a pink dress with my belly already popping out for show.

My little boy was the ring bearer and best man.  As Mary put the Vail on my head she told me the story of how my Aunt Patty was the first person to wear this Vail on her wedding day, then my mom, then my sister, and now me. I felt honored to be part of this family heirloom tradition and even though these women could not be here for this special occasion at least they could still be present in spirits. I felt very grateful at that moment.

We headed down the aisle with fifty other couples on Valentine's Day at the Botanical Gardens in Clearwater Florida. As I was staring into my soon to be husbands eyes and holding his hands tears started to flow as I said my vows,  "Through sickness and health till death do us part." Now looking back on that day I believe those vows meant the world to me. Unfortunately, they meant nothing to my husband. Actually, I believe now that the only reason why he married me is so he didn't have to get stuck paying child support, because as soon after he went and reported it to the State of Massachusetts and everything he paid out over the years for when Pat and I lived without him he received in back taxes and Pat and I never saw any of it.  This man had a plan, and it wasn't to love us, it was to screw us.

I wish I never married him because it was not worth the torture we endured. He promised we would live a better life down in Florida, he promised we would buy a home, he promised he would stop drinking and save that money to build a better future with a new baby. I foolishly believed all his promises, but none of this ever happened except for the baby.

Chapter 23- New Year's Eve 2011

12/31/2011

New Year's Eve 2012 was a night to remember. Saul was drinking all day. He was a big shit talker full of spunk today. He always had a lot to say but that was my fiance. Saul seemed like a good guy and that's why I agreed to marry him unfortunately he was the only man that ever stood by me and got down on his knee and proposed to me. I figured I could count on him for he was the first and only man that had enough cajones to step up to the plate and be my man. Just to find out after this fact that according to him I was just a trophy wife. 

Tonight we planned on going out to paint the town red. Once again Saul ended up drinking himself to oblivion. This was not the first New Years Eve that he stood me up, see it had already been 8 years in the making. I really wanted to party. I was able to find a babysitter for tonight and I still didn't have one drink in me yet and I really wanted to dance.

Primo was a fun loving character, always laughing like a clown and down to have a good time. We both tried to get Saul out of bed, but he told us, "Pat got me all worked up and now my head hurts, just go." Earlier that day Saul and Pat got into a confrontation. Saul hit Pat and Primo even intervened to tell Saul to back down because he was being a little too aggressive with the boy. It was obvious that Sauls head was boiling. Pat was staying at his grandparents house for the night. I knew we didn't have much money to go but I said, "The hell with it, let's BOUNCE Primo."

The first thing we did was hit the LQ and I bought a big bottle of Parrot Bay. I was swigging shots all night. Primo didn't want any cuz he said,  "I don't drink that shit B" so he was spicing it up instead. So as he was driving we were passing it back and forth we decided where we were gonna go. Downtown Tampa YBOR City where all the crazy cat's congregated and it was POPPIN! We paid addmission into this club called the Amphitheater and then after that we was broke, but it was worth every single penny. As soon as we made our entrance the House music was pumping and they had a rotating dance floor. I chose to park my butt right in front of the loud speaker so I could feel the bass penetrating through out my bone's. I just danced in front of that speaker for hour's. 

Every once in a while I would catch Primo at the corner of my eye rotating around on the stage and checking in on me. He was a mysterious fellow all inconspicuous like. He mostly kept to himself but every once in a while he would Wild out. Well tonight he didn't probably because he didn't have any drinks in him. I thought to myself..let's go fuck with him. So as soon as he rotated my way I jumped on the dance floor and started bumping and grinding with him and I think this surprised him because he didn't know what to do with himself. So then I moved onto the guy next to him and he grabbed me and said, "Let's go!"

So we were walking down the main street mingling and there are just thousands of intoxicated people everywhere and I seen this bar Cayote Ugly like the movie where if you get up on the bar and dance you get a free shot. So I grabbed Primo by the arm, "C'mon let's go get a free shot! " So I jumped up on that bar and started dancing while the guy's started cheering Primo walks out, "Primo wait!" I was thinking oh c'mon fuck him I am not leaving without my shot. Soon after I got it I stepped down from the bar to look outside and he was gone. For a good one to two hours I was flying solo. 

Chapter 22- Child Abuse- Assault/Battery

04/20/2011

Pat and I went to Mass to visit my nana as much as we could because it was evident that nana was getting sicker. She told me that she wanted to see me get married and settle down.

When we came back to Florida Pat was telling me some very sad things that I don't believe any 5 year old should be muttering like,  "I want to die and go to heaven." I asked Pat, "How do you suppose you would die?" Pat said, "Get beaten to death." Then I told my son, "Getting beaten would not kill you just hurt a lot." Then I hugged him tight and said, "That can't happen. Do you know how much I would miss you? I can't live without you."

I was worried about Pat. Was this normal? I had many questions so I involved Pat in some mental health services. He stated to the therapist that he did hurt himself once but it did not make him feel any better and the psychologist diagnosed mood disorder NOS and Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

Then Pat at the age of six told his counselor that Saul hit him with a belt leaving a mark. When Pat tried to confront the investigators with the truth they reported what he said but did nothing to protect him.

Of course Saul just denied everything and mentioned to me about throwing Pat to the alligators if I spoke out against him. If I had to pick the lesser of two evils I chose to back up Saul but now I wish that I had chosen to believe my son because it was quite obvious that he was crying out for help and now  I wish I would've been more supportive. I just thought I could protect him myself. Get in the middle of whatever was going on between them two. 

Now I have come to realize that being a mother just isn't enough. Speaking the truth isn't enough. We have no power over the authorities doing justice by our children. 

I'm sorry Pat. Mommy wanted to save you.... I hate myself for allowing any of it. I AM TRYING MY BEST TO BE STRONG FOR YOU PAPI MAMI LOVES YOU. ............................................................

CHAPTER 21- FLORIDA

09/10/2009

We moved to Largo, FL. to be a family. The economy was bad at this time. Florida was in the under goings of a rescission. Obama was giving out stipends to boost the economy. All Saul and I could find were temporary jobs. I started working as a nanny. Pat was in daycare. My dumb ass was cooking empanadas and getting ready for an interview putting on my stockings and a grease fire started over the oven.

I immediately threw water on it which made it worse. I tried to smother it with a lid but it was too big. So I opened the front door. I picked up the pot by the handle and ran with the fire blazing and threw it out the front door. It is a miracle that my face and body did not have 3rd degree burns everywhere. I thank you GOD for protecting me. It could have been a lot worse. When the fire trucks came all I suffered from was smoke inhalations and a 2nd degree burn on my hand. The firefighter gave me some advice to next time throw milk on the flame during a grease fire or an extinguisher always does wonders.

The housing complex kicked Saul, Pat, and I out on the street. They wouldn't let us stay in our apartment due to repairs. Luckily, Red Cross put us in a hotel for a few nights, but now we found ourselves homeless. Saul did some research and he found a shelter that was willing to take us in Largo FL. It was convenient but we had to share our unit with other families.

The first family we lived with us was a mother, her two daughters, and her son they were from Africa. Her son and my son had to share a room. One day her son got this dumb idea to heat up the tip of Pat's toy and brand my son with it. Saul was pissed so he returned the favor by planting tacks in the kids shoes. The poor kid couldn't walk for weeks.

05/14/2010

Saul's grandmother had passed away while we were here. On this night Saul stopped by the bar on his way home from work and had quite a few drinks. Coming back he was pulled over by Largo police. They took him in and booked him for his second DUI. Largo police responded to a Church driveway the officer approached Saul and noticed a distinct odor of alcohol coming from his breath, his eyes were watery, glassy, and bloodshot, his face was flushed. Saul agreed to complete SFST's and performed poorly. He was arrested. While he was being booked Saul brown nosed the officer and told him, "I appreciate the job that you do. You saved my life, I had about 5-7 bud lights, I am not going to lie." During the investigation, Saul asked the officer to let him go and give him a break because he was Hispanic too. He did this multiple times.

Poor Saul couldn't catch a break. Lost his home, grandmother, job, and our car ended up getting impounded a couple of weeks prior. Everything was turning out to be a mess. Luckily, I was a student and was able to take out an additional lump sum from my loan due to economic hardship to plant us back on our feet in a new apartment. Getting through this time together with Saul made me realize how strong we were as a couple and I learned to appreciate him even more.

10/11/2011

As soon as our family settled into our little apartment Primo came to visit. Just like Primo to come follow us down to Florida from Boston. I decided to treat him by taking him to OZ which was a strip club. We sat at the stage throwing $$$ at the dancers and I asked him "Which girl do you like the most?" We compared besties and then I handed him over a $20 and told him, "Go get em' tiger." Primo say's, "For real B?" I replied, "That's all you, mano." Granted I was flirting a little trying to show some hospitality to my brother.

I still favored him a little which made it difficult on the ride home because I think that lap dance was just a tease to the main course because after I parked the car he was all over me. Now it had been 5 years since we last fooled around and I honestly did not see this coming which opened up a whole slew of feelings that I had packed away thinking it could never exist. I thought about Saul and I stopped myself and said to Primo, "What are we doing?" and Primo whispered, "I don't know you feel so good. " I was proud of myself for keeping my big girl panties on tonight and setting Primo in line. "I am with your brother. I love him. I can't do this." Primo said, "Of course, understood, my bad B."

We decided that's where we were going to leave it, no more fucking around Saul and I were taking our relationship to the next level. Primo was just going to have to except that, hopefully Primo could respect me, and it did get better for awhile until I found out Saul was cheating on me.

Chapter 20 - Our New Home

Chapter 20 - Our New Home

10/11/2007

Pat and I were able to get housing in Hyannis and Saul wanted to live with us. I told Saul the circumstances that because he was not on the lease he could not be living with us but he can still come and visit the baby and I.  Saul practically moved in any way until his erratic behavior started affecting us.

Saul had a serious drinking problem that was getting pretty out of control. He was taking it out on poor Pat. One day I don't know what Pat did to deserve this but; Saul put Pat out on the freezing cold balcony with no clothes on. It was just cruel. I wrapped a blanket around my baby and yelled at Saul. Saul just said, "You need to stop babying him." I said to Saul, "He's one years old, he IS a baby and you’re going to kill him." Then I kicked him out. I made an oath to myself never to leave Pat alone with Saul again.

Saul would get so shit faced and I was afraid to let him in. We had a chain on our door. Saul decided to kick in our front door and I had to call the cops because he was so belligerent scaring us while I was trying to put the baby to sleep.

I started talking to a therapist about what was going on with Saul and had Saul come in on some therapy session's to give Saul some help and direction. I think it might have worked because after Saul seemed more inspired to make some changes in his life. We were discussing our dreams and future together.

We spoke about buying a house in Florida. Saul told me he was going to stop drinking and get a job transfer down there so he could become established. That is exactly what he did. At the time Saul was paying child support $25/ wk for Pat. This helped me with diapers or clothes. Pat and I had just about everything we needed. I was working.

Pat was getting childcare and special services for his behavior. Pat had bi-lateral hearing loss which was alleviated by tubes put in his ears. I wasn't sure if this was cause for his developmental delay or Saul’s influence on him, but now that Saul was out of the picture he began thriving. I was able to potty train Pat and work with him on talking and understanding him more clearly. He was growing up fast. Luckily Pat had everything he could ever want or need.

Saul had been living in Florida for a few months now and he wanted us to move there with him. He promised that he stopped drinking and wanted us to get married and be a family. We were already engaged. Our dreams of owning a home finally seemed tangible. I was still very skeptical about how we could work out. Should we move?

Not the brightest idea in the world, but I decided why not give Pat and I our best chance with Saul. It was obvious that Primo was settling down with yet another girl and it was about time I try and take my relationship with Saul to the next level. So the whole family helped us pack up the U-Haul and we trucked it down from MA to FL.

Chapter 19 - PPD

05/05/2006

Something was not right. It had been seven months since I had Pat and my emotions were all over the place. I just felt as if I couldn't be happy. I was also struggling with sudden outbursts of aggression which really scared me. One time Saul had to pin me down, and another day I had a sudden urge to start running and never go back.

I never had such strong emotions. So I decided to have a psychological evaluation done. They asked me a lot of questions and diagnosed me with ADHD and Post Partum Depression. I was put on medication to treat me for it and my world turned from night into day. I was able to focus and get a lot done. I went from an average student to an A and B student and got two college degrees. I no longer felt irritability and depressed. I was happy again.

Due to the lead exposure in Everett we had to move in with Saul's brother Primo and his new babies’ mama Jeanette. They had a beautiful baby girl named Micah. Pat and Micah were close in age. Only six months apart and they got along very well. Every other night Jeanette and Primo would fight and keep us up late, well this time we woke up at 5am to them fighting and Saul was pretty fed up with it that he finally had to say something.

Saul got up in Primo's face because Primo called Bea a fat bitch. He just nudged Primo with his shoulder and Primo was holding Micah in her baby carrier. Primo was heated; he put the baby down in the bedroom. Primo got up in Saul's face standing two inches apart nose to nose and said, "Really mano? You’re going to shove me while I have my baby in my hand, huh? Mother fucker? Let's go!" Saul didn't even say anything. He just pushed Primo back into the wall and then a shoving match took place from the living room to the bedroom, and then Saul breaks loose making his way to the kitchen grabbing a knife.

Saul held the large butcher knife shakily in his hand and Primo grabbed his wrist that the knife was in. Jeanette and I were trying to get the knife out of Saul's hand too but every time we got close the knife would slice through the air barely missing us. It wasn't until they were both down to the ground and the knife was close to Primo's throat that Saul backed down. Jeanette and I finally talked them down. The police were called and by the time they had arrived Primo was gone and all four tires of my Lincoln Mercury Mariner were slashed. Primo got his revenge I guess.

Later that week in my Acting 2 class that I was taking at Bunker Hill Community College we had an assignment. We had to be a Director and direct a skit in groups with our classmates. Since the incident with the knife was fresh in my mind I decided to reenact the scene of the crime with my classmates and use this memory as my material for my skit. The actors did an awesome job. The skit was by far the best out of everyone's. I got another A+.

Chapter 18- It's Another Boy

Chapter 18- It's another Boy

10/15/05

Today my friends prepared me a surprise baby shower. They decorated in a Hawaiian theme and put me in a coconut bra and luau skirt and lei.

Saul said he saved my brother's from falling off of the balcony. Mostly everyone from my family was there and some of Saul's family showed. I received cards with money, baby things, but there was one present in particular that stuck out. It was the one my mother gave to me. I started tearing through the wrapping paper was this old plastic bag and I unzipped it and pulled out what was inside was my old teddy bear. I yelled out, "Country Bear!" Tears just started streaming down my face. My face turned bright red because I was embarrassed that I was crying over a teddy bear, but I didn't think I was ever going to see him again.

I thanked my friends, family, and nana for making this all happen. I know now if it were not for my nana it would've never had happened, because once she died my family fell apart. All good times cease to exist. This is what happens when your separated from the ones you love.

Saul was working two jobs, coming home late almost every night, drinking and being dropped off by other women at 5am, and then giving me shit when I had to work the next day. I was petrified that I was bringing a child into this world. Primo started dating another girl and it wasn't long after he got me pregnant that he got her pregnant too. I hated it because he decided to stick with her and raise the baby, but for the life of me I couldn't understand why he felt he couldn't do the same with me. I felt real cheated cause I chose the wrong brother.

11/15/2005

It was a very cold night in the middle of November, I was watching the movie Crash when I began to feel contractions and I immediately called my friends so they could meet me at the hospital. My doctor mentioned that I was not dilated and chose to put me on Pitocin so my contractions would start working for me. It only took 3 hours after that to be in total labor.

Saul went to grab pizza as soon I started delivering the baby. Thank GOD my friends were there otherwise I would have been all alone. Like a baby I started crying for my mommy, but she was overseas on vacation. I named my baby Patrick. When he came out he was so observant with his eyes wide open from the moment he was born looking at his surroundings. His body was lanky and thin like my grandpee. He was so silent that I feared something was wrong. No worries for he was perfect in every way, all 7 lbs and 13 oz of him.

At six months old Pat was to be baptized. Saul and I planned a huge party. It was so sweet to see Primo with Pat, one day they both fell asleep with Pat nestled under Primo's arms. I captured this memory with a picture and it was my favorite one ever. Whenever I took a picture of Saul holding Pat he would always have a beer in his other hand, which would always disgust me because it always led to him arguing with someone later. Saul could never live without his beer. He always used to say, "I will never cheat on you, except with my beers", but that was a lie. At least I can't say he didn't warn me.

April 15, 2006

Today was Pat's day and we were going to celebrate it as one big happy family. Pat was all dressed up in his white suit. Primo scared Pat with his glasses on. I think Pat didn't recognize him and thought he was an alien because he let out a huge cry when Primo approached him. It was so funny. Both families seemed to have a great time.

Pat was baptized at St. Paul's in Cambridge, MA where most of my family members were baptized too, including me. So we were keeping the tradition alive. There was plenty of food, drinks, and music at the hall we rented in Somerville. It was a get together to remember. We got some beautiful pictures of the family too.

We found out that our home in Everett we lived in at the time had lead in it when Pat was medically diagnosed as being lead poisoned. Poor Pat he was just a baby and we had to give him iron drops in his food to bring his lead count down, and he lost all his cute little baby fat. He was a great baby though. He slept through the night as soon as he slept in his crib. Due to the fact that he was suffering from being lead poisoned we were able to go on the list for housing.

Chapter 17 - Guilt And Shame

02/29/2005

Primo gave me the 411 about Saul that he already had 2 kids that he didn't support, collecting unemployment, and no license which Saul lied to me about. Why would Primo even tell me this if he didn't want to be with me?

I approached Saul with the news and he gave me a totally different reaction than Primo. Saul was so excited that he knelt down on one knee and kissed my belly. It was so sweet and it gave me piece of mind that he was supportive.

I felt horrible guilt that I had sex with his brother now. A month later as we ate food at one of our favorite restaurants, I was sitting across the table from him and looked him dead in the eye. I told him the truth, "There is a possibility that this child I am carrying Saul could be your brothers." Saul did not say anything, he didn't want to eat his dinner either and we ended up going to our new home.

I think Saul was in shock because he wouldn't touch or talk to me for several weeks and our relationship changed. He made my pregnancy hell. I think it was his way of seeking revenge upon me. One day while I was driving he hit me across the head. I pulled over to defend myself and we got into a fist fight while I was pregnant! He stuck me with a huge cable bill that went into collections. At the time Saul worked for Citizens Bank in downtown Boston and stole all my money from my bank account.

Saul and Primo were not getting along either. Primo went out to a night club with Saul and some of Primo's friends. Saul started freaking out and targeting people and Primo felt he had to put Saul in his place so they pulled over somewhere in downtown Boston and a fight broke out, three against one. Primo ended up having to cut his hair because Saul left a bald spot, and gave Primo's boy a black eye. Saul came at me once he got home infuriated. He cornered me and held my wrist until they were black and blue. I was able to free myself from him making my way into the kitchen.

The way he came at me scared the living daylights out of me. His eyes were all blood shot red and he resembled the anger of a demon himself. In fear I started to pray; "Please GOD protect me and my baby from this man." The way our kitchen was set up there was a step going down to the kitchen from the living room, and thank GOD Saul tripped over it and hit his head on the kitchen floor leaving a crack. At that very moment he fell unconscious. My ass should have turned around and left him there, but being the good Samaritan I am helped him for he was delirious and confused not remembering anything, so I assisted him calmly and tucked him into bed.

9/7/2005

My uncle Joey overdosed today. I found him on the bathroom floor turning blue and I called 911. They took him to the hospital by stretcher and resuscitated him. Hours later he comes home while I was heating up leftover Chinese food and we get into a little shoving match and the jerk slaps me across the face after I saved his life. He said, "I can't have you eating all my Chinese food get your own." I was hurt. I went back to Saul's crying and telling him what happened. Saul wanted to shank my Uncle Joey. I told him, "NO! I just needed someone to listen." As Saul wiped away my tears consoling me and holding me I never felt as safe as I did in that moment. I felt protected by a man for the very first time in my life.

Chapter 16 - Dear Lord?

02/10/2005

As I stood there looking over the city of Boston on the 19th floor balcony of my nana's building. I prayed a very special prayer to GOD because I felt so alone.

First I said, Dear father GOD please forgive me for I have sinned. I have not been pure of heart, for I have chosen to live a promiscuous lifestyle and have found myself pregnant. Although I am fortunate to be able to carry this creation of yours inside of me I am scared that I am not going to be able to provide for all of the babies needs on my own. My child needs a father. I never had that and it really screwed me up. I want more for this child. More than what I had. I am honored Lord that you have given me this little person to spend my life with. I just wish you would send somebody to love us unconditionally. Send me my soul mate to help me raise this baby. I know I don't want to do this alone. This baby needs to be loved by both of their parents. Please help me make this happen. I love my child more than I love myself. I will give my all for this child. I just need for my child and I to be happy and loved and know that no matter what that they belong. I just need your love LORD. Shine your love on me and my child right now.

Send us someone to love us unconditionally like you do. Father, I need a father, soul mate, best friend, provider, and man to take care of us. Please deliver to me before this baby is born. I thank you and love you father for you have always been good to me, please keep me in your favor and never leave me alone.

Chapter 15- Primo's Loss

02/01/2005

Primo knew his parents were leaving the Ville and he was getting ready to parlay and get a little closer to that new hottie with the mustang. She was all over him, wearing his kicks and everything, but she remained more at a distance because she was still dating his brother. They seemed to be getting closer.

Primo's mom, dad, and brother were going to go visit Nicaragua. Primo bought 20 Garcia Vegas for the occasion. Bea bought an ounce to celebrate as well. They hung out with friends and went on several outings together to New Hampshire in a snowstorm, up a steep hill in reverse in Hull, and he even fixed Bea's car with a Garcia Vega. Bea got Primo into the Green Street Bar even though he was under age she still served him a Grateful Dead. She really was beginning to love Primo as a person and not just a cute face. She felt they could relate to one another.

Bea just loved watching him stand at the bar all nervous and afraid to approach other women. He was shy, but not around her. No when he was around Bea Primo felt he could be himself. Little by little Bea would test the waters. First she would sit beside him, they would always share their smokes, put their arm around one another, and she would try to play around kiss, fight, and tackle each other.

Tonight was all together different it had been weeks and Bea was going to make her first move. Primo had no clue, but Bea knew herself well enough that she was going to need a good enough excuse. They decided to drop ecstasy together. Primo said he didn't feel anything and went to bed, but Bea felt weird and she didn't want to waste a minute of her buzz so she crept into Primo's bed under the covers and touched him. Then she breathed heavily on his crotch, he instantly got aroused to a satisfying orgasmic experience to Primo receiving head.

OMG! Primo saw fireworks in his mind. This was the best head he can ever remember receiving. Who was this angel white with the soft hair and brown eyes that had her lips wrapped around his cock? Damn! She was creeping up on him in the middle of the night, true and weird, but it was worth it. It felt so good, now here she comes lurking up my body and sitting right on top of me and I am loving every minute of her sweet juices spreading all over me she is amazingly hot!

Bea teased for a minute grabbing Primo's pulsating throbbing boner and rubbed it against her clitoris as she moaned in his ear. She dipped the tip in just a little against her labial just to see how soft his helmet was so silky. Every little touch, every minute counted, and it seemed as if they loved each other for the first and last time and in some sense it was their first.

Who cares if the drugs weren't working, regardless of the fact they were living in ecstasy at this very moment. Just being together making love to one another. Bea slipped the head of Primo's dick deep inside her crevice and whispered in a satisfying moan, "Oh! Baby, I have wanted you so much." Primo grunted, "Argh," in a growl which at that point grabbing Bea's hips he pushed it deep inside her. She rode him like a pony and inserted her nipples against his lips as he suckled and caressed. At this time colors and fireworks were going on in Bea's mind.

She felt a moment of climax for the both of them it was super intense. More intense than anyone else she has ever been with and she needed that love and attention so badly. Then after sex they cuddled and fell asleep next to each other naked. Later they woke up stunned. They each started getting dressed and Primo made a comment, "Well if you're pregnant at least were keeping it in the family." He had no idea how true that statement was.

A week later Saul came back all excited. Bea was going to break it off with Saul because she really wanted to be monogamous with Primo but she decided to break the news after her trip to Aruba which was in less than a week.

But before her trip it was decided that all three of us would drive to Manchester N.H. to go clubbing. We arrive deep, 5 Hispanics and a white girl, stepping into a Gucci Mafia Club. One thing led to another and a full on brawl with a gun involved broke loose, karate kid kickboxing, a bunch of guy's ganging up on Primo, I tried to help him but the glass doors were shoved in my face. Saul was able to retrieve the gun. The bartender was putting the sleeper hold on everybody.

After my trip to Aruba my nana says to me, "What are you pregnant?" I said, "Nana! No!" Then nana retorted, "Who's is it Primo's or Saul's?", and then it dawned on me.... Fuck!

The following day I go walking into a store with Primo, I am running for the bathroom feeling as if I was about to pee my pants and Primo calls me his "baby" and I am thinking. Wow! I really have to get checked by a doctor.

The day afterwards I go to the doctors and sure enough I am expecting. The first man I told was Primo, and right off the bat he tells me to abort the baby, and I tell him "No way in hell, this is my first baby, I may never have another. This baby was conceived out of love." Primo said, "No way, you raped me Bea." I retorted, “What! I didn't rape you admit it like a man that you came in me and you enjoyed it and after we were done you made a joke about keeping it in the family, "IT" being my baby." Primo stated, "IT can still be my brother's, right?" I responded, " I suppose, if you’re not going to be with me then I mind as well tell Saul and see what his response might be." Hopefully it will be better than the loss I had with Primo. Which could have been a totally different result if he could have just called IT his baby? I really wish he had accepted me as his baby. Now, I have come to the conclusion that he was the only man I have ever truly loved. He never gave me a chance to show him either.

Love hurts.

Part Two- Chapter 14- The Biggest Tip Ever!

01/10/2005

Saul thought, Wow! This is the prettiest girl I have ever dated, and he really wanted to impress her. So he decided to wear his wife beater T-shirt and flex his muscles on the front porch as Bea pulled into the driveway for their date. Though Saul was feeling under the weather he was not going to bail on the prettiest girl in the world.

Bea was actually a little disgusted when she saw Saul on the porch in his T-shirt. She really didn’t think he was attractive, but he seemed like a nice guy and she didn’t want to go to her job’s holiday Christmas party solo again. She wore her red dress that busted out her bosoms. Saul wasn’t complaining. Actually Saul was losing his voice throughout the night because his throat killed. Bea didn’t know Saul well enough to tell. She just assumed that Saul was bored so she chose for them to leave the job function party thingy and go to a club in downtown Boston called the Roxy. Of course the club was banging better music and Bea was dancing, but she noticed Saul was struggling to talk. Then she realized something was wrong.

Saul was embarrassed. He never lost his voice on a date with a girl but it was happening. Saul barely knew how to communicate with Bea it was almost like playing charades. So he just leaned in and gave her a long passionate kiss. Bea understood Saul was sick and she accompanied Saul to the ER that morning. Saul had a rare case of Laryngitis and sore throat. Saul thought, major brownie points for Bea sticking by him at the ER. This girl was a keeper.

When Bea dropped Saul off she instantly fell in love with the man that opened the door. He was younger than Saul, dark curley hair, cute dimples, and a warm smile. Much more charming than any other man that Bea had ever met. He said to Saul, “Hey mano.” “Hi” Bea said, “Yo my bad, I’m Saul’s brother Primo.” “Primo?” Bea said, just the sound of his voice was sending butterflies and jumping jacks in her head and belly. Unbelievable right off the bat in Beas head she was thinking, I fell in love at first sight with my dates brother. This cannot be possible. Then Bea thought, this is not so bad just play it off and get to know one another. We shall see what comes of it.

Chapter 14- The Biggest Tip Ever

11/16/2004

On a cold fall evening in the middle of November I was cocktailing at the Green Street Bar N Grill and it was salsa night. The club was dead tonight. Kilambo Mambo was playing, and although they were good no crowd was swarming tonight probably due to the weather being freezing. There was one gentlemen sitting at a table all to himself.

He was a bald Hispanic man with strong arms, caramel mocha skin tone, big dark eyebrows that made him appear stern, and a wide nose. I approached the gentlemen and offered him a drink. He ordered a Heineken and we began talking a little. As I walked away I noticed him checking out my ass and thought maybe I can get him to buy ME a drink as well since it was dead at work.

Sure enough he agreed and I sat down next to him and we talked for awhile. I asked him, "So what's your name?" He replied, "I'm Saul,and you?" "Yea, my friends call me Bea." Saul said, "Can I be more than a friend?" I retorted, " Let's just get to know eachother first and we shall see." Saul replied, "Ok, What are you doing after work? Do you wanna grab a bite to eat?" "Ok, I would like that."

Saul left me a big tip too, which was the biggest tip I have ever gotten from a customer since I worked there, I was impressed. We walked down the Square to Hi Five Pizza and grabbed a couple slices. Saul told me he liked to smoke trees, so I offered him some after our pizza we fishbowled my 1998 Ford Mustang and talked about anything and everything as we listened to the Fugees. I gave him my number and we set up a following date.

Chapter 13 - Hello?

5/13/2001

I was old enough now to go on my own and get some answers to all the questions I had about my father. Like what his real name was and where to find him. I asked Brie and she put it bluntly that I should leave well enough alone. He now may be shacked up with a girl named Bea somewhere out in California.

At a family function one night somebody approached me asking me if I was Ed's daughter. They said I looked like him and confirmed his whereabouts and that I could find him out in Long Beach. So I did a U.S. search and sure enough I got a match out in Long Beach, California. I headed out there to see what I could sniff out. As I walked up to the apartment I got so nervous thinking about what I was gonna say. My palms got all sweaty and I almost chickened out. As I approached the door I saw an eviction notice with Fred's name on it. I looked through the windows and the apartment appeared to be empty. I was too late, and I left a letter and came to the conclusion that he was a runner who is always running away from his responsibilities and that he must not want to be found.

I started working out in L.A. pursuing my dream to become an actress. I went to many auditions, and started working at a disco place. I wasn't taking off my clothes, but the job seemed even more degrading because it was run by Iraqi people, but I needed the money to get back to MA where I was from. A terrible accident happened back home. My ten year old cousin and two other children were ejected out of the hatchback of an SUV and died because they were not wearing their seat belts. My nana also found out she was diagnosed with colon cancer. I sensed my family needed me, so I headed back to MASS. Brie moved on quick she got married, divorced, and married again by now. She was always changing. I never knew who she was going to be next.

I decided to go back to school to become a teacher, and take care of my nana. It was great, like we were two peas in a pod again. I helped her with her dressings and wounds and she made me breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Every morning we ate our oatmeal and cinnamon raisin toast bread with extra butter and a cup of tea, I remember it like it was yesterday. I miss that. I started working at a place called the Green Street Bar N' Grill. When I was a kid I used to walk by it everyday and admire the musicians that would play and I fell in love with jazz from the moment I was introduced to it, and I said to myself when I got older I would work there. Sure enough I did.

Today I walked in with my chin held high and walked out as a cocktail waitress. So I went to school, worked full-time as a daycare teacher, and part time as a cocktail waitress and cared for my nana. I kept busy, I was a young twenty-four, so I could handle that sort of thing. I had Ed's mom that lived in the same building as my nana, but she would just avoid me. One day I met Ed's sister Aunt Dee who was a lesbian, who straight out said to me, "Leave my mother alone. She don't want nothing to do with you or Ed." I told Aunt Dee, "Listen, I don't even know the guy, but that is fine."