March 26, 2016
To instill hope in rebuilding the family infrastructure..........
This was B'onnie's 1st post ever written in the Parental Civil Rights Movement Blog.
Parentalrightsmovement@blogspot.com
To instill hope in rebuilding the family infrastructure for the American people.
"Let us think about each other and help each other to show love and do good deeds."
Hebrews 10:24
Should we implement the law for families after, before, or during a seperation?
In order to cope with coexistence through living in seperate quarters, but having the rights to being in public arenas for the children's sake; on holidays, extra curriculum activities, and school events, unless of course a restraining order is put in place?
I need everyone elses input on this.
Then Moses said to the people,
"Remember this day in which you came out of Egypt, out of the house of slavery, for by a strong hand the LORD brought you out from this place. No leavened bread shall be eaten."
Exodus- 13:3
EXODUS- Bob Marley
movement of the people
Showing posts with label Trauma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trauma. Show all posts
Friday, November 3, 2017
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Chapter 48- Tampa Bay Crash Course of Injustice... (1)
09/01/2009- Present Day
Keep reading for more current detail's of recent events for this is where the story becomes very twisted and unsettling.
You see human beings do not seem to operate the way they used to 20 years ago, a lot has changed. The laws have changed. We have changed as people in abiding in them, and the power's that be have lost their honor in upholding those laws, so many have taken it upon themselves now to rise above the law to protect themselves. While some, may use the law to bully innocents unlawfully knowing they can't afford to defend themselves, and even if they could many lawyer's would just take their barely earned money blowing over the whole case and not defending shit.
Justice has become an absurd joke, that's what I think about the law now. Sorry, but in my experience I have not seen it do anybody any justice thus far. Unfortunately, because I was wrongfully prosecuted myself and defenseless. I had to sit through many court proceedings. I think only two seemed fair and just, but in all honesty I feel it is the devil's advocates trap.
Thou shall not judge, only GOD. No one can tell ME otherwise. That's my take on it, you can think what you want.
I am a United States citizen, and a registered voter, born and raised in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, which is my national origin. I was residing in Pinellas County FL. for 8 years, and I am well aware that my civil rights have been violated since I have resided in Pinellas County due to my national origin, born up north, and my disability.
First, I have not been able to keep a job in Florida due to my disability, and the fact this is an at will state. No job I have had, and I have been terminated from 8 job's now, have been willing to make any accommodations for my learning disability or chronic health conditions.
The State of Florida has denied me disability and health insurance, basically forcing me to leave my kid's and the State to get my health care need's met. This has isolated me from the only two people that I once believed loved me still and caused me much emotional distress. My nuerologist claims due to this seperation and alienation brought on an increase of stress and seizure disorder that landed me in the Tampa General Hospital and $9,000 in Medical bill's.
I asked my nuerologist, "Is it a possibility that the seizures could be caused by excessive punches to the skull (Domestic Violence)?" My doctor claims, that yes this most certainly can be what caused the concussion, seizure episodes, syncope, memory loss, imbalance, and ringing in the ears. My other question was, "So say if someone just discovered all this about themselves after a seizure episode due to false accusations. Could she use in her defense that she was struggling with battered women syndrome and being treated for a seizure disorder as a result of domestic abuse?"
Bea told the doctor, "Listen Doc, I'm far from crazy. If I was able to attain an AA in Early Childhood Education and a BA in Social Science and Education and raise a baby in less than 8 year's with a gpa of 3.4. I think I have a high functional brain up there. It just got kind of screwed up after I married Saul. Things started to fall apart again, like it did at the beginning of our relationship. We hit another rough patch."
I should have known better. The pattern of alcohol and abuse doesn't end with the Sanchez's. Actually one thing for sure is it get's worse. I was becoming scared of where it was bound to escalate to next. Let me tell you. The worst was yet to come.
Even after I attained my two College degree's Saul loved to throw it in my face,
"See B, all that for what? You still can't get a good paying job."
It must have made him feel so high and mighty to make my accomplishments seem so weak and small. I hate to admit it but he was right. I couldn't attain a good paying job in my field due to my chronic health condition's.
I had another Grand Mal Seizure in the middle of the Steak N Shake Parking lot.
I fell down like a sack of potatoes off the side of my car. Hit the back of my head, fractured my right ankle, and bit my lip. My mom saw me convulsing for a few minute's and when I came to I had slight amnesia. Scary shit!
Another time I woke up and I could not move at all. I thought I was going to stay paralyzed forever and I started panicking, these Epileptic episodes alone have really messed with my head. It has taken some getting used to my new life without any support.
I really need a friend to take care of me, but there has not been any volunteers to come forward on my behalf. No one will even step up so I can visit with my kid's. Which allows me to believe that I have no one who loves me in the end.
I fear that I am going to end up one of those people sitting in a hospital bed who no one comes to visit, till I will wither away. That's MY reality now. I am vulnerable and scared out of my wits that someday I will all together forget who I am, and that I even have a family.
Maybe that would be good for me? Wipe out all the pain I endure on a daily basis over the loss of my loved one's abandoning me. I would much rather forget who I am then deal with the reality of what has become of me.
GOD please take away the pain. I wish to be numb.
I went before a judge in January 2015. He denied me disability knowing I had suffered a traumatic crisis. Since then I have suffered other head injuries and epileptic episodes.
I was advised by a Nueroligist in 2015 not to drive, even though it has been past six month's since my last episode I still stay off the road for now.
I really do think it is disgraceful that I do not get honored disability for if I did I would not be struggling so damn hard to survive in the situation I find myself in now. Maybe if I had, I would get ahead and feel like I belong instead of feeling like this world was not meant for a loving heart like mine.
Society has been chipping away at my heart bit by bit trying to turn me into freezing cold ice, but my tears continue to melt the ice away. The judge abstains from showing any emotion but if I spend one minute longer trying to suppress the longing, fear, agony, and pain I have been bottling up for the past 12 years I know I am liable to snap my humanity switch off and not give a fuck about anything anymore.
This blog is my outlet right now. I am praying that the truth will set us free. Free from the bond's we enslave ourselves in. The bond's of love, life, death, and humanity.
Keep reading for more current detail's of recent events for this is where the story becomes very twisted and unsettling.
You see human beings do not seem to operate the way they used to 20 years ago, a lot has changed. The laws have changed. We have changed as people in abiding in them, and the power's that be have lost their honor in upholding those laws, so many have taken it upon themselves now to rise above the law to protect themselves. While some, may use the law to bully innocents unlawfully knowing they can't afford to defend themselves, and even if they could many lawyer's would just take their barely earned money blowing over the whole case and not defending shit.
Justice has become an absurd joke, that's what I think about the law now. Sorry, but in my experience I have not seen it do anybody any justice thus far. Unfortunately, because I was wrongfully prosecuted myself and defenseless. I had to sit through many court proceedings. I think only two seemed fair and just, but in all honesty I feel it is the devil's advocates trap.
Thou shall not judge, only GOD. No one can tell ME otherwise. That's my take on it, you can think what you want.
I am a United States citizen, and a registered voter, born and raised in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, which is my national origin. I was residing in Pinellas County FL. for 8 years, and I am well aware that my civil rights have been violated since I have resided in Pinellas County due to my national origin, born up north, and my disability.
First, I have not been able to keep a job in Florida due to my disability, and the fact this is an at will state. No job I have had, and I have been terminated from 8 job's now, have been willing to make any accommodations for my learning disability or chronic health conditions.
The State of Florida has denied me disability and health insurance, basically forcing me to leave my kid's and the State to get my health care need's met. This has isolated me from the only two people that I once believed loved me still and caused me much emotional distress. My nuerologist claims due to this seperation and alienation brought on an increase of stress and seizure disorder that landed me in the Tampa General Hospital and $9,000 in Medical bill's.
I asked my nuerologist, "Is it a possibility that the seizures could be caused by excessive punches to the skull (Domestic Violence)?" My doctor claims, that yes this most certainly can be what caused the concussion, seizure episodes, syncope, memory loss, imbalance, and ringing in the ears. My other question was, "So say if someone just discovered all this about themselves after a seizure episode due to false accusations. Could she use in her defense that she was struggling with battered women syndrome and being treated for a seizure disorder as a result of domestic abuse?"
Bea told the doctor, "Listen Doc, I'm far from crazy. If I was able to attain an AA in Early Childhood Education and a BA in Social Science and Education and raise a baby in less than 8 year's with a gpa of 3.4. I think I have a high functional brain up there. It just got kind of screwed up after I married Saul. Things started to fall apart again, like it did at the beginning of our relationship. We hit another rough patch."
I should have known better. The pattern of alcohol and abuse doesn't end with the Sanchez's. Actually one thing for sure is it get's worse. I was becoming scared of where it was bound to escalate to next. Let me tell you. The worst was yet to come.
Even after I attained my two College degree's Saul loved to throw it in my face,
"See B, all that for what? You still can't get a good paying job."
It must have made him feel so high and mighty to make my accomplishments seem so weak and small. I hate to admit it but he was right. I couldn't attain a good paying job in my field due to my chronic health condition's.
I had another Grand Mal Seizure in the middle of the Steak N Shake Parking lot.
I fell down like a sack of potatoes off the side of my car. Hit the back of my head, fractured my right ankle, and bit my lip. My mom saw me convulsing for a few minute's and when I came to I had slight amnesia. Scary shit!
Another time I woke up and I could not move at all. I thought I was going to stay paralyzed forever and I started panicking, these Epileptic episodes alone have really messed with my head. It has taken some getting used to my new life without any support.
I really need a friend to take care of me, but there has not been any volunteers to come forward on my behalf. No one will even step up so I can visit with my kid's. Which allows me to believe that I have no one who loves me in the end.
I fear that I am going to end up one of those people sitting in a hospital bed who no one comes to visit, till I will wither away. That's MY reality now. I am vulnerable and scared out of my wits that someday I will all together forget who I am, and that I even have a family.
Maybe that would be good for me? Wipe out all the pain I endure on a daily basis over the loss of my loved one's abandoning me. I would much rather forget who I am then deal with the reality of what has become of me.
GOD please take away the pain. I wish to be numb.
I went before a judge in January 2015. He denied me disability knowing I had suffered a traumatic crisis. Since then I have suffered other head injuries and epileptic episodes.
I was advised by a Nueroligist in 2015 not to drive, even though it has been past six month's since my last episode I still stay off the road for now.
I really do think it is disgraceful that I do not get honored disability for if I did I would not be struggling so damn hard to survive in the situation I find myself in now. Maybe if I had, I would get ahead and feel like I belong instead of feeling like this world was not meant for a loving heart like mine.
Society has been chipping away at my heart bit by bit trying to turn me into freezing cold ice, but my tears continue to melt the ice away. The judge abstains from showing any emotion but if I spend one minute longer trying to suppress the longing, fear, agony, and pain I have been bottling up for the past 12 years I know I am liable to snap my humanity switch off and not give a fuck about anything anymore.
This blog is my outlet right now. I am praying that the truth will set us free. Free from the bond's we enslave ourselves in. The bond's of love, life, death, and humanity.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Chapter 45- Pat the truth is....
06/11/2015
Saul and I discussed that it was time he moved out, for us living together was becoming way too awkward. It was not working out for the two of us. He moved into his parents apartment. We both agreed to sit down and tell the truth to Pat once he got home from school.
We all sat around the dining room table and had a discussion with Pat. "Listen, son first of all we want you to know that none of this is any of your fault and that you have done nothing wrong. Daddy and mommy are still your parents who love you, but we are just not going to be living together anymore." B said to Pat, "I'm sorry baby this is all our fault and has absolutely nothing to do with you or your brother we believe it is best for now until we figure out what really makes us happy. So your dad is moving over to Papa and Abuela's place for awhile." Pat responded, "No! I don't want him to."
Saul said, "There is something else you must know also we need to do a test. It won't hurt. Just a piece of your hair or saliva to check your DNA. There is a possibility that you may not be my son. Uncle Primo may be your dad." Pat said, "Uncle Primo!" "Yeah!" B said.
Omg finally the truth be told, but still almost two-three years lator and do we have the paternity test result's? NO!
The proof is in the pudding?
Who is the baby's daddy?
Inquiring minds wanna know.
Well, at least the mother and son want to know. Obviously the father's are too scared or they would have given up their specimens a decade ago. I could just see the look of disappointment in Pat's face knowing that I had kept this secret from him his whole life, but when is a good time to tell a child the truth about who his real father is? He was now nine years old and it was complicated enough as it was for the three of us without including Pat. Now he was in the loop and it was only fair that we get results, which still remains to be seen because I have been completely alienated from my children at this time. I don't know if Pat even know's the truth or not, but I do know the truth because I know who I made love to and when son.
All I know in my heart is that I loved my Pat more than anything in this world he is the sweetest most sensitive boy really. He tried everything to keep his father and I together. He wrote a letter and gave it to me pretending it was written by Saul in Pat's handwriting apologizing to me so we wouldn't fight anymore. I felt horrible breaking up with Saul like I was letting my son down. Which was the biggest reason why I put up with the relationship for so long. I couldn't understand it either because Saul would treat Pat awful, but Pat still loved him.
06/15/15
One night Saul brought Jr and Pat home he was all drunk (DUI) and upset because Papa and him got into a fight, because papa hit Jr. off the head with the remote control. Now this is the third or fourth traumatic head injury that we know about that has happened within the last two year's. God only knows if there has been more let's pray for his sake not.:( I'm a very worried mommy right now. 😞 sick.
Saul and I discussed that it was time he moved out, for us living together was becoming way too awkward. It was not working out for the two of us. He moved into his parents apartment. We both agreed to sit down and tell the truth to Pat once he got home from school.
We all sat around the dining room table and had a discussion with Pat. "Listen, son first of all we want you to know that none of this is any of your fault and that you have done nothing wrong. Daddy and mommy are still your parents who love you, but we are just not going to be living together anymore." B said to Pat, "I'm sorry baby this is all our fault and has absolutely nothing to do with you or your brother we believe it is best for now until we figure out what really makes us happy. So your dad is moving over to Papa and Abuela's place for awhile." Pat responded, "No! I don't want him to."
Saul said, "There is something else you must know also we need to do a test. It won't hurt. Just a piece of your hair or saliva to check your DNA. There is a possibility that you may not be my son. Uncle Primo may be your dad." Pat said, "Uncle Primo!" "Yeah!" B said.
Omg finally the truth be told, but still almost two-three years lator and do we have the paternity test result's? NO!
The proof is in the pudding?
Who is the baby's daddy?
Inquiring minds wanna know.
Well, at least the mother and son want to know. Obviously the father's are too scared or they would have given up their specimens a decade ago. I could just see the look of disappointment in Pat's face knowing that I had kept this secret from him his whole life, but when is a good time to tell a child the truth about who his real father is? He was now nine years old and it was complicated enough as it was for the three of us without including Pat. Now he was in the loop and it was only fair that we get results, which still remains to be seen because I have been completely alienated from my children at this time. I don't know if Pat even know's the truth or not, but I do know the truth because I know who I made love to and when son.
All I know in my heart is that I loved my Pat more than anything in this world he is the sweetest most sensitive boy really. He tried everything to keep his father and I together. He wrote a letter and gave it to me pretending it was written by Saul in Pat's handwriting apologizing to me so we wouldn't fight anymore. I felt horrible breaking up with Saul like I was letting my son down. Which was the biggest reason why I put up with the relationship for so long. I couldn't understand it either because Saul would treat Pat awful, but Pat still loved him.
06/15/15
One night Saul brought Jr and Pat home he was all drunk (DUI) and upset because Papa and him got into a fight, because papa hit Jr. off the head with the remote control. Now this is the third or fourth traumatic head injury that we know about that has happened within the last two year's. God only knows if there has been more let's pray for his sake not.:( I'm a very worried mommy right now. 😞 sick.
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Chapter 43- Still pleading for his love.
06/04/2015
Text messages to B from Saul.
B: I'm driving
Saul: r u coming home?
B: of course.....I know you have to work. Don't worry about me I'm fine.
I just need to process everything we just talked about.
I'm sorry.
Try to get some sleep.
Nowhere and everywhere.
I'm just riding.
ditto
Saul: Cant sleep just thinking about you cant help it, sorry that i luv u.
can u plz answer the phone.
B: just let me be. I don't hate you.
(When I finally got home Saul and I had a heart to heart. I think he thought I was going to change my mind about our breakup. I told him that I didn't mind us staying friends and if he wanted to go to downtown St. Pete for first night we could go out as friends. He agreed to it.)
06/05/2015
Text messages from B to Primo......
B: Good morning sunshine. Do you want to go to the beach with me and the kids?
Babycakes! You are the cutest little babycakes.....you are the cutest little baby face I've seen on Earth. BABY CAKES.
I want them all to myself.
LOL!!!!
(I recalled what Primo said to me last night and it played over again and again, but I just didn't want to give up because I know in my heart he really did love me. I began to make a list of Pro's and con's to really get to the bottom of whether pursuing this relationship would be a good thing for me or not. I am aware how love can make someone blind, and I really needed to be genuine with Primo. So I started rationalizing and drawing up a list as well as texting it to Primo throughout the day and on my outing downtown that night with Saul. I was kind of hoping that Saul would get the hint that I was not there with him. In the meantime I wanted to convince Primo to be with me instead.)
Text messages to Primo from B........
B: Pro- I have a magic pussy and from here on out it belongs to you and only you. You hear me bicho?
B: Con- I don't give it up that easily, especially when I am upset about something other than sex. When I am mad about not being on the receiving end then u better look out for mad, heated, passionate love making, which Saul and I never had in 10 years.
Do you believe that?
In a whole decade I have never had unpredictable heated sex with your brother EVER!
It's a sign.
B: We are going to party it up tonight down to 1st night St. Petersburg.
Friday night doggy dog.
Getting jiggy wit it.
Why don't you come with us?
I can prove my loyalty to you.
I'm loving being single for now till you tell me otherwise.
la loo.
B: PRO- You don't have to ever worry about no baby mama drama. I would never press charges or put u back in jail. I love you too much to hurt you.
B: CON- I can never have any children ever again. My tubes were burned so it would be a miracle. That can b a pro for u 2.
B: PRO- we can fullfill all our dreams and fantasies together and have the greatest times of our lives and be really happy. Just the two of us.
B: CON- I have to find a babysitter at times.
PRO- I was thinking of taking a vacation soon, hopefully with you and me alone. Someplace adventurous and exotic. I am overdo for one the last time I went anywhere was 9 yrs ago. Too long.
B: We are here. Donde esta punta? Jammin down to hardcore house music. I'm chilling by the dj taken a break. The streets are totally packed. I told Saul we are only here as friends.
B: PRO- I am good especially when I feel my man is taking care of my needs.
B: CON- The way I keep my house reflects my moods. So if I am a mess, you can count on my house being a mess.
A good home maker. Not as good as Mamita of course, but at least I try.
06/06/2015
B: PRO- I 'll baby you immensly and I will never stop.
CON- Just because I baby you doesn't mean I am going to allow you to boss me around all the time. I am always going to be my own woman. Won't have it any way, but very flexible especially if you ask me very sweetly in exchange for a kiss.
B: any other way....I love kissing your lips.
B: PRO- I can fullfill every desire sexually even let u stick it up the pooper but you have to take it slow.
B: CON- I really don't care for anal sex but ONLY for you I'll try anything once ok maybe twice that's IF you can get me in the mood. I love it when your in control:)
B: PRO- I have fair credit so all I have to do is establish I have enough income coming in and then I can get a $200,000 loan for a brand new home just for us and the kids. Imagine us walking around naked on the weekend when the kids are with their dad. I'll make you anything you want to eat while I serve you in some sexy outfit with high heels on. I can wash and massage your feet with lotion while you sit back relax and smoke a blunt.
B: CON- Don't expect this shit everyday. I refuse to show any PDA in front of the fams it makes everyone uncomfortable. I aim to be respectful always especially in front our parents. But behind closed door's, it's on!
B: Your brother just got a text that New needs to talk to u ok Baby cakes I got your back.
Primo: What?
B: Saul said it was one of your friends. He called pretending to b you. We r leaving downtown now. Where you been baby? I missed you today.
(It was nice to know that I had his attention. He must be contemplating everything I am saying and I have to be making him horny right about now, I know what my loverboy need's. I certainly aim to please:)
B: PR0: I can help you be a better man if you let me my luv. Help you with transportation, food, love, your kids, ( I am actually wearing a pair of Micah's socks right now. I am surprised they even fit me. I love her like my own.) Remember when we took Her and Pat to the ice rink and she was skating.. That was a special moment. I am glad I was able to share it with you. Watching you skate was so fascinating!!!
CON- We would have to explain to the kids at some point that we were together, but I am sure they would get over it once they saw how happy we made eachother. I would like to someday do the honorable thing and not sneak around the ones we love whenever we are ready or sure of what will or may become.
B: PRO- Your family already knows and loves me.
CON- They may have a hard time trusting us. They already don't trust you so the only difference is that YOU don't have to be the black sheep solo. Once they see the change in our ways I think they will be appreciative of our union.
B: PRO- I will make you feel like the king you are and you will feel like a better Man. I know I can make a difference in your life, I am pretty sure I already have in some ways although you may not want to give me any credit. That's ok cuz I know I have. I am very perceptive when it comes to you. I always have been.
CON- l know you find me annoying. But this is my final attempt to plead my case. At least I am far from boring. Never a dull moment.
B: PRO- I want to shut your brother UP once and for all. He always thinks he is so much better than you. Always talkin shit about you to me. I hate that cuz it is so two faced. When your present he is all kind to you. As soon he gets behind your back he's ranting about your misfortunes.
CON- I would never do you dirty like that. If I have a problem with you I will tell you straight, no lies. It's really no body else's business what you do. So you don't have to worry. I am a woman of my word. Remember how I told you I would give you the Mustang someday, well it is yours if you're with me. I am going to try and convince you to get your license first before letting you drive it but I know that is not gonna happen.
B: PRO- I will always let you be your own man. I have no intentions of changing you. I love you just the way you are. I have learned to accept the way you are. Honestly I know you have the desire to do bigger and better things. So do I and I know you would support me and I will always support you too. Your #1 fan. We ride together , we shall die together, silver back gorilla baby.
CON- My crazy cheering might get on your nerves every now and again. As long as you let me in on what your doing. I'll try to support you anyway I can 110%.
You know I am capable of it.
B: CON- I know I am a little overweight, but I have been working on it.
PRO- I've been running, doing crunches, yoga,.eating less, yoga, pillates, kick boxing, swiming, dancing. I would like to try working out at the MMA gym with you. Maybe introduce me to some people, become a fighter. If you keep turning me down like this I might actually get enough determination to knock the living daylights outta someone. I'M pretty open, the possibilities are endless with me. All I know is I am down for whatever.
CON- I may eventually get so ripped I might be able to kick your ass even. Yeah right. You'll probably kick me in my gum again make me bleed. Hey I gotta learn to defend myself someday.
B: PRO- I love animals so yes you can have a dog. I suggest getting a Siberian Husky. I love them.
CON: Don't expect me to take care of it though. You want it then you need to be responsible for it. I will be responsible for my cat then and the kids of course will probably help.
B: PRO- I will make you soup when your sick and put bandages on your boo boos, a cold cloth on your head, get your medication with your water, even wipe your ass if you're incapable, and tuck you into bed.
CON: I refuse to break the law for you. I have a clean record and I don't need any problems. Keep that diabolical nonsense away from me, our home, and the kids. We are your safety net so if you decide you want to fuck me over you must realize your only setting yourself up for failure. The choices you make effect all of us. For instance say your on a boat and you put a rip in it, well the natural consequences is that your bound to set yourself back and your gonna lose time, money, and patience. You don't really want that do you? I think we have already lost enough time as it is and I truly don't wish to lose not even one more second with you.
It's funny....this whole time I've been dancing, smoking, drinking, mingling, and singing I still would rather just be cuddling up in bed with you instead. I am surprised I was able to write this novel. Since you entered into my life you have inspired me to get my creative juices flowing. I feel alive again. It's been a very long time since I felt this way. I think I lost myself when I was with your brother. I had an epiphany one day because my therapist encouraged me to go for it and tell you how I really felt and now I feel so liberated. I'm happier than I have ever been. You helped me see the light and I hope I can do the same for you darling. I just hope I haven't missed out on my opportunity to really have my chance by your side. If there ever was a chance GOD please let it be now. Allow me into your little shell of a head you crab.
B: Ok well I guess I am going to lay on my couch and pass the fuck out. I hope you're staying out of trouble. Buenos noches papi. Te amo mi amore.
Lator that morning....
B: Hello?
B: Fuck I still can't sleep.....too much shit in my head. This would be so much easier if you just hear me out. Instead of writing to you constantly and getting no response. Perhaps I can teach you something about the English language and you can show me the sign language alphabet and Spanish.
B: All I know is that Saul doesn't want to let me go, and can you blame him? NO! Every time I try to shake him he finds a way to push himself back into my life. Yeah, we have been very disloyal and untrusting with eachother. Which, as you can see, has destroyed any love I had for him.
I don't want that distrust between us.
I need you to trust that I will be loyal to you.
Can you forgive me and move past all the stupid bullshit and start loving me?
I just need your love boo.
B: In our past we would have never worked because you would have never taken the time to get to really know me. Now it's been a whole decade and you have always been honest with me, respectful, loyal, and kind. I VALUE YOUR OPINION. I know you have been testing me. I can't seem to understand why if I'm dead to you. I made a huge sacrifice for you 3 weeks ago I was married and now I am legally seperated if that doesn't give you the green light I don't know what else. I need you to take care of me and keep me close to you safe and warm. I hate the thought of being without you. I don't think I'll be able to sleep peacefully until I am nestled on your chest.
Primo: yo what u doing?
B: I am putting everything out there for you,
so you can decide if you really want what I am offering you,
and only you.
Yoooooooo whooo still there?
I got those cigarettes.
please don't block me I really need you now. I need my smoking buddy. I promise I won't touch you.
fine I guess I 'll smoke them all myself. Since you don't want to share.
Babycakes!
watchya doin?
I miss you.
I still can't sleep. I am going to get a tele. Wanna join?
I need some sleep......I need to cuddle. honey.
Primo: where u at?
B: chillun
Primo: where?
B: about to pass the fuck out on my girl friends couch.
Primo: ok
B: Where are you boo?
Primo: just got home
B: in for the night baby.
Primo: k
B: Or do you wanna chill with me?
Primo: if u up
B: I can braid your hair.
Primo: where u at?
B: Why you wanna know where I am? I thought you didn't care about me?
Primo: U right
B: Excuse me Mr. Primo Coronado Sanchez.
Primo: What u doing?
B: Why you wanna see me Primo?
Primo: I justring to see what u doing
where u at
B: I wanna do you.
Primo: k
B: I'm hiding out at my friends house in Largo.
Primo: ok...........so
B: ok meaning ok lets go?
Primo: sure
B: meet me at the pool fool.
Primo: k
B: call me from papas phone.
Primo: k
I was really at my girlfriends boyfriend's house trying to crash on his couch. I was trying to avoid being around Saul so he starts to get the picture. I was reluctant to leave because it was already pretty late and my friend said that if I leave I couldn't come knocking later. So I understood that I was losing my bed for the night and taking a risk for a booty call, but for me it was worth it. So I hoped on my scooter and headed to Primo.
B: Is your brother with you?
Primo: No...where u at?
B: why haven't you called me yet sucka?
Primo: fu
B: where are you?
I'm at the pool staring up at the stars.
Primo you have to come see this sky is so beautiful.
Baby cakes, you are the cutest little babyface I've ever seen on Earth.
..............................................................
I waited at the pool which seemed like forever. I was praying that he had a change of heart for me. Finally he was coming to his senses. When I got to his parents apartment I knocked on the door very lightly...no answer....he must have fallen asleep. .. I knocked a little harder. I could hear him coughing and thought awww my poor baby must be sick. I walked away and thought of something I could do to take care of him and make him feel better.
06/07/2015
B: I waited for you all night. That made me really sad Primo. I sat on the ground in front of your door again and you wouldn't let me in. Not nice!
Please don't do that to me again. Are you sick my love? Please let me take care of you. I got you a little care package because I know your not feeling well. In there you will find some chicken soup, some cigarettes but not much cuz I was chain smoking last btw all your fault, there's also a script I take sometimes for stomach relief. It's called Omeprazole this will help coat your stomach and keep you from having acid reflux. See although I don't have a pot to piss in I will always find a way to take care of you and I am praying that you will take good care of me too, soon. Oh yeah I got you crackers for the soup.
B: I am going out to get a new job today so I can get you more nice things.
B: I love you papi and I am going to prove to you just how much.
B: Te amo mi amor
I went to his place again and seeing that he wasn't home I threw the bag up on top of his balcony.
B: Did you get my care package baby? Did you notice the other day when I said baby both you and Saul responded? That's when I realized that you loved me. We have been doing this crazy dance for a whole decade. I am tired of pretending babycakes. Your going to have to man up and admit it to yourself.
B: Be a man and own it! Stop being a little pussy......I love You and I plan on taking very good care of us and the kids.
06/08/2015
B: I miss you papito.
I wish we could go for a Ride...makeout where ever you wanna go.
you so sexy primo yo te queiro.
I miss your babyface with your sweet dimples mi amor.
your crazy ways and style.. I even like your little temper tantrums.
my pet. I want to hold you boo.
I 'm luv sick. Ease my sorry heart. I miss you so.
Hasta manana muy Papi.
06/09/2015
B: Good morning papito.
I finally got some sleep it's been almost 5 days since I've gotten more than 3 hours of sleep.
I still can't eat. I wish you would feed me. Be with me boo. I know this relationship seems impossible but in time all this hype will die down and we can lay low for awhile. I am looking into saving more money for our dream house. I have a little over $1000. I assume a couple more thousand and we will be good to go.
let me know what I can do to hold you in my arms. Please I want you in my life sweetie.
B: I know your hurting honey, I am hurting too. We don't have to. Just come clean, you will be so glad you did. We have been harboring this guilt for years. It is coming out now because it's time to allow ourselves to be able to make one another happy. I am not listening to them it's not their call to make. It's ours. Feel ashamed a little and speak from the heart. That's what I did with Saul and they'll understand someday that we were destined to be if they haven't noticed already which I am pretty sure they have. When our eyes meet and the way we blush.
B: Saul was the man between us, not the other way around. You just got beat to the punch. your only downfall right now is your cowardice pussy way your being. You could have had me from hello, but you didn't ever assure me that you wanted me. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want. Is that what you really want? I am going to see my family soon. I would love to bring you with us. My mom is worried about me. I have a few places we can stay. I'm going for the 4th. I hope you come. We'll be back by August.
B: Don't be sad papito. I don't like to see you like this. Let me in and I'll kiss that heart of yours and make it all better. We have an opportunity for a fresh start together. The only thing holding you back, is YOU. Your family will forgive you they always do, you need to put your foot down and fight for me now if you want there to be an us. Carpe Diem, which means seize the day. Don't be afraid and don't delay, nothing can seize you, and no one will please you the way I will honey, be the man I know you could be.
B: Show some confidence that well overcome all this and be together. I know you got it in you. Please, no more police, no more drama, just be real and it's not your fault the heart wants what it wants no matter how crazy it sounds you should never fight it. Just embrace it cuz your luck is changing and I am waiting for you at the finish line. I'll help you lick your wounds and be faithful to you and only you.
Well I proved my love to you as much as I could. This is your last chance to make things right in our lives. Maybe I have too much faith in you and I am being overly optimistic, but I can't help loving you.
B: Please don't keep me in the dark let me in and tell me how your feeling. I am a great listener. I need this in order to move on. I am staying at Hogans this weekend. I would like it if you join me so we can work this out.
B: Just have faith my love.
B: Baby cakes, How long had it been since you made love? It seems like an eternity. Please lets not waste anymore time. I'm waiting eagerly for you, sweet dreams. If you have a chance to sneak out and steal the key to the scooter and visit me tonight.. Its my scooter. I have the title right here in my name so your safe babe. I'm wicked horny.
B: Pretty please with whip cream on top and a cherry. I have ice cream and a nice comfy bed with NetFlix and smokes. I'm been craving you for five months and I am about to burst honey.
B: Missy is out for the night. The kids are asleep and I am all by my lonesome and I want you so bad that my naa naa is clenching with fire. I am going to rock your world babycakes. I am preparing the naa naa to your eating. I wish you were here instead of there.
B: I want you so bad it hurts.
just come tapping on my window. Maybe pull a Christina.
LOL!
B: Oh shit, Missy is home in her room.
B: I'm watching a movie. Have you ever seen The Bible?
B: She just told me that her uncle passed away and she is taking a trip to Atlanta. House will be my oyster soon. Don't believe everything you hear from Saul. He is talking out of his ass.
Although the both of them are liars and fibbers.
B: Just come papi.
B: Park the scooter down the street and walk through the backyard gate. Come through the back, but b super quite so the bitch doesn't hear you. She suspect's something because I'm wearing something sexy to bed.
you will definitely likey. I hope you come soon cuz I am about to fall asleep. I don't care just wake me. I am going to take a power nap.
...........................................................
I did take a nap and when I woke up no sign of Primo.
B: I'm missing you.
Another lonesome night without my boo to cuddle up to.
Sweet dreams Jellybeans.
B: I wish you felt the same way about me that I feel for you. It is a shame that we may never be together. I guess I must have been wrong about you. I am sure there must be some gorgeous creature out there for me. I was just hoping it was you.
B: Dueces mi amore.
When I woke up that morning I was surprised to see a sign. There was a beautiful fresh flower laying on the dining room table. I asked Missy if she put it there and she had not. It had to of been Primo. What did he come in and watch me sleep and not woken me up?
I thought ok..... He must b shy. I will give him another chance. Since I know that fresh flowers are usually his signature trademark.
B: The back door is unlocked. I'm waiting.
No sign of him. I was beginning to feel a little hopeless. My birthday was right around the corner and I was dreading being alone.
Text messages to B from Saul.
B: I'm driving
Saul: r u coming home?
B: of course.....I know you have to work. Don't worry about me I'm fine.
I just need to process everything we just talked about.
I'm sorry.
Try to get some sleep.
Nowhere and everywhere.
I'm just riding.
ditto
Saul: Cant sleep just thinking about you cant help it, sorry that i luv u.
can u plz answer the phone.
B: just let me be. I don't hate you.
(When I finally got home Saul and I had a heart to heart. I think he thought I was going to change my mind about our breakup. I told him that I didn't mind us staying friends and if he wanted to go to downtown St. Pete for first night we could go out as friends. He agreed to it.)
06/05/2015
Text messages from B to Primo......
B: Good morning sunshine. Do you want to go to the beach with me and the kids?
Babycakes! You are the cutest little babycakes.....you are the cutest little baby face I've seen on Earth. BABY CAKES.
I want them all to myself.
LOL!!!!
(I recalled what Primo said to me last night and it played over again and again, but I just didn't want to give up because I know in my heart he really did love me. I began to make a list of Pro's and con's to really get to the bottom of whether pursuing this relationship would be a good thing for me or not. I am aware how love can make someone blind, and I really needed to be genuine with Primo. So I started rationalizing and drawing up a list as well as texting it to Primo throughout the day and on my outing downtown that night with Saul. I was kind of hoping that Saul would get the hint that I was not there with him. In the meantime I wanted to convince Primo to be with me instead.)
Text messages to Primo from B........
B: Pro- I have a magic pussy and from here on out it belongs to you and only you. You hear me bicho?
B: Con- I don't give it up that easily, especially when I am upset about something other than sex. When I am mad about not being on the receiving end then u better look out for mad, heated, passionate love making, which Saul and I never had in 10 years.
Do you believe that?
In a whole decade I have never had unpredictable heated sex with your brother EVER!
It's a sign.
B: We are going to party it up tonight down to 1st night St. Petersburg.
Friday night doggy dog.
Getting jiggy wit it.
Why don't you come with us?
I can prove my loyalty to you.
I'm loving being single for now till you tell me otherwise.
la loo.
B: PRO- You don't have to ever worry about no baby mama drama. I would never press charges or put u back in jail. I love you too much to hurt you.
B: CON- I can never have any children ever again. My tubes were burned so it would be a miracle. That can b a pro for u 2.
B: PRO- we can fullfill all our dreams and fantasies together and have the greatest times of our lives and be really happy. Just the two of us.
B: CON- I have to find a babysitter at times.
PRO- I was thinking of taking a vacation soon, hopefully with you and me alone. Someplace adventurous and exotic. I am overdo for one the last time I went anywhere was 9 yrs ago. Too long.
B: We are here. Donde esta punta? Jammin down to hardcore house music. I'm chilling by the dj taken a break. The streets are totally packed. I told Saul we are only here as friends.
B: PRO- I am good especially when I feel my man is taking care of my needs.
B: CON- The way I keep my house reflects my moods. So if I am a mess, you can count on my house being a mess.
A good home maker. Not as good as Mamita of course, but at least I try.
06/06/2015
B: PRO- I 'll baby you immensly and I will never stop.
CON- Just because I baby you doesn't mean I am going to allow you to boss me around all the time. I am always going to be my own woman. Won't have it any way, but very flexible especially if you ask me very sweetly in exchange for a kiss.
B: any other way....I love kissing your lips.
B: PRO- I can fullfill every desire sexually even let u stick it up the pooper but you have to take it slow.
B: CON- I really don't care for anal sex but ONLY for you I'll try anything once ok maybe twice that's IF you can get me in the mood. I love it when your in control:)
B: PRO- I have fair credit so all I have to do is establish I have enough income coming in and then I can get a $200,000 loan for a brand new home just for us and the kids. Imagine us walking around naked on the weekend when the kids are with their dad. I'll make you anything you want to eat while I serve you in some sexy outfit with high heels on. I can wash and massage your feet with lotion while you sit back relax and smoke a blunt.
B: CON- Don't expect this shit everyday. I refuse to show any PDA in front of the fams it makes everyone uncomfortable. I aim to be respectful always especially in front our parents. But behind closed door's, it's on!
B: Your brother just got a text that New needs to talk to u ok Baby cakes I got your back.
Primo: What?
B: Saul said it was one of your friends. He called pretending to b you. We r leaving downtown now. Where you been baby? I missed you today.
(It was nice to know that I had his attention. He must be contemplating everything I am saying and I have to be making him horny right about now, I know what my loverboy need's. I certainly aim to please:)
B: PR0: I can help you be a better man if you let me my luv. Help you with transportation, food, love, your kids, ( I am actually wearing a pair of Micah's socks right now. I am surprised they even fit me. I love her like my own.) Remember when we took Her and Pat to the ice rink and she was skating.. That was a special moment. I am glad I was able to share it with you. Watching you skate was so fascinating!!!
CON- We would have to explain to the kids at some point that we were together, but I am sure they would get over it once they saw how happy we made eachother. I would like to someday do the honorable thing and not sneak around the ones we love whenever we are ready or sure of what will or may become.
B: PRO- Your family already knows and loves me.
CON- They may have a hard time trusting us. They already don't trust you so the only difference is that YOU don't have to be the black sheep solo. Once they see the change in our ways I think they will be appreciative of our union.
B: PRO- I will make you feel like the king you are and you will feel like a better Man. I know I can make a difference in your life, I am pretty sure I already have in some ways although you may not want to give me any credit. That's ok cuz I know I have. I am very perceptive when it comes to you. I always have been.
CON- l know you find me annoying. But this is my final attempt to plead my case. At least I am far from boring. Never a dull moment.
B: PRO- I want to shut your brother UP once and for all. He always thinks he is so much better than you. Always talkin shit about you to me. I hate that cuz it is so two faced. When your present he is all kind to you. As soon he gets behind your back he's ranting about your misfortunes.
CON- I would never do you dirty like that. If I have a problem with you I will tell you straight, no lies. It's really no body else's business what you do. So you don't have to worry. I am a woman of my word. Remember how I told you I would give you the Mustang someday, well it is yours if you're with me. I am going to try and convince you to get your license first before letting you drive it but I know that is not gonna happen.
B: PRO- I will always let you be your own man. I have no intentions of changing you. I love you just the way you are. I have learned to accept the way you are. Honestly I know you have the desire to do bigger and better things. So do I and I know you would support me and I will always support you too. Your #1 fan. We ride together , we shall die together, silver back gorilla baby.
CON- My crazy cheering might get on your nerves every now and again. As long as you let me in on what your doing. I'll try to support you anyway I can 110%.
You know I am capable of it.
B: CON- I know I am a little overweight, but I have been working on it.
PRO- I've been running, doing crunches, yoga,.eating less, yoga, pillates, kick boxing, swiming, dancing. I would like to try working out at the MMA gym with you. Maybe introduce me to some people, become a fighter. If you keep turning me down like this I might actually get enough determination to knock the living daylights outta someone. I'M pretty open, the possibilities are endless with me. All I know is I am down for whatever.
CON- I may eventually get so ripped I might be able to kick your ass even. Yeah right. You'll probably kick me in my gum again make me bleed. Hey I gotta learn to defend myself someday.
B: PRO- I love animals so yes you can have a dog. I suggest getting a Siberian Husky. I love them.
CON: Don't expect me to take care of it though. You want it then you need to be responsible for it. I will be responsible for my cat then and the kids of course will probably help.
B: PRO- I will make you soup when your sick and put bandages on your boo boos, a cold cloth on your head, get your medication with your water, even wipe your ass if you're incapable, and tuck you into bed.
CON: I refuse to break the law for you. I have a clean record and I don't need any problems. Keep that diabolical nonsense away from me, our home, and the kids. We are your safety net so if you decide you want to fuck me over you must realize your only setting yourself up for failure. The choices you make effect all of us. For instance say your on a boat and you put a rip in it, well the natural consequences is that your bound to set yourself back and your gonna lose time, money, and patience. You don't really want that do you? I think we have already lost enough time as it is and I truly don't wish to lose not even one more second with you.
It's funny....this whole time I've been dancing, smoking, drinking, mingling, and singing I still would rather just be cuddling up in bed with you instead. I am surprised I was able to write this novel. Since you entered into my life you have inspired me to get my creative juices flowing. I feel alive again. It's been a very long time since I felt this way. I think I lost myself when I was with your brother. I had an epiphany one day because my therapist encouraged me to go for it and tell you how I really felt and now I feel so liberated. I'm happier than I have ever been. You helped me see the light and I hope I can do the same for you darling. I just hope I haven't missed out on my opportunity to really have my chance by your side. If there ever was a chance GOD please let it be now. Allow me into your little shell of a head you crab.
B: Ok well I guess I am going to lay on my couch and pass the fuck out. I hope you're staying out of trouble. Buenos noches papi. Te amo mi amore.
Lator that morning....
B: Hello?
B: Fuck I still can't sleep.....too much shit in my head. This would be so much easier if you just hear me out. Instead of writing to you constantly and getting no response. Perhaps I can teach you something about the English language and you can show me the sign language alphabet and Spanish.
B: All I know is that Saul doesn't want to let me go, and can you blame him? NO! Every time I try to shake him he finds a way to push himself back into my life. Yeah, we have been very disloyal and untrusting with eachother. Which, as you can see, has destroyed any love I had for him.
I don't want that distrust between us.
I need you to trust that I will be loyal to you.
Can you forgive me and move past all the stupid bullshit and start loving me?
I just need your love boo.
B: In our past we would have never worked because you would have never taken the time to get to really know me. Now it's been a whole decade and you have always been honest with me, respectful, loyal, and kind. I VALUE YOUR OPINION. I know you have been testing me. I can't seem to understand why if I'm dead to you. I made a huge sacrifice for you 3 weeks ago I was married and now I am legally seperated if that doesn't give you the green light I don't know what else. I need you to take care of me and keep me close to you safe and warm. I hate the thought of being without you. I don't think I'll be able to sleep peacefully until I am nestled on your chest.
Primo: yo what u doing?
B: I am putting everything out there for you,
so you can decide if you really want what I am offering you,
and only you.
Yoooooooo whooo still there?
I got those cigarettes.
please don't block me I really need you now. I need my smoking buddy. I promise I won't touch you.
fine I guess I 'll smoke them all myself. Since you don't want to share.
Babycakes!
watchya doin?
I miss you.
I still can't sleep. I am going to get a tele. Wanna join?
I need some sleep......I need to cuddle. honey.
Primo: where u at?
B: chillun
Primo: where?
B: about to pass the fuck out on my girl friends couch.
Primo: ok
B: Where are you boo?
Primo: just got home
B: in for the night baby.
Primo: k
B: Or do you wanna chill with me?
Primo: if u up
B: I can braid your hair.
Primo: where u at?
B: Why you wanna know where I am? I thought you didn't care about me?
Primo: U right
B: Excuse me Mr. Primo Coronado Sanchez.
Primo: What u doing?
B: Why you wanna see me Primo?
Primo: I justring to see what u doing
where u at
B: I wanna do you.
Primo: k
B: I'm hiding out at my friends house in Largo.
Primo: ok...........so
B: ok meaning ok lets go?
Primo: sure
B: meet me at the pool fool.
Primo: k
B: call me from papas phone.
Primo: k
I was really at my girlfriends boyfriend's house trying to crash on his couch. I was trying to avoid being around Saul so he starts to get the picture. I was reluctant to leave because it was already pretty late and my friend said that if I leave I couldn't come knocking later. So I understood that I was losing my bed for the night and taking a risk for a booty call, but for me it was worth it. So I hoped on my scooter and headed to Primo.
B: Is your brother with you?
Primo: No...where u at?
B: why haven't you called me yet sucka?
Primo: fu
B: where are you?
I'm at the pool staring up at the stars.
Primo you have to come see this sky is so beautiful.
Baby cakes, you are the cutest little babyface I've ever seen on Earth.
..............................................................
I waited at the pool which seemed like forever. I was praying that he had a change of heart for me. Finally he was coming to his senses. When I got to his parents apartment I knocked on the door very lightly...no answer....he must have fallen asleep. .. I knocked a little harder. I could hear him coughing and thought awww my poor baby must be sick. I walked away and thought of something I could do to take care of him and make him feel better.
06/07/2015
B: I waited for you all night. That made me really sad Primo. I sat on the ground in front of your door again and you wouldn't let me in. Not nice!
Please don't do that to me again. Are you sick my love? Please let me take care of you. I got you a little care package because I know your not feeling well. In there you will find some chicken soup, some cigarettes but not much cuz I was chain smoking last btw all your fault, there's also a script I take sometimes for stomach relief. It's called Omeprazole this will help coat your stomach and keep you from having acid reflux. See although I don't have a pot to piss in I will always find a way to take care of you and I am praying that you will take good care of me too, soon. Oh yeah I got you crackers for the soup.
B: I am going out to get a new job today so I can get you more nice things.
B: I love you papi and I am going to prove to you just how much.
B: Te amo mi amor
I went to his place again and seeing that he wasn't home I threw the bag up on top of his balcony.
B: Did you get my care package baby? Did you notice the other day when I said baby both you and Saul responded? That's when I realized that you loved me. We have been doing this crazy dance for a whole decade. I am tired of pretending babycakes. Your going to have to man up and admit it to yourself.
B: Be a man and own it! Stop being a little pussy......I love You and I plan on taking very good care of us and the kids.
06/08/2015
B: I miss you papito.
I wish we could go for a Ride...makeout where ever you wanna go.
you so sexy primo yo te queiro.
I miss your babyface with your sweet dimples mi amor.
your crazy ways and style.. I even like your little temper tantrums.
my pet. I want to hold you boo.
I 'm luv sick. Ease my sorry heart. I miss you so.
Hasta manana muy Papi.
06/09/2015
B: Good morning papito.
I finally got some sleep it's been almost 5 days since I've gotten more than 3 hours of sleep.
I still can't eat. I wish you would feed me. Be with me boo. I know this relationship seems impossible but in time all this hype will die down and we can lay low for awhile. I am looking into saving more money for our dream house. I have a little over $1000. I assume a couple more thousand and we will be good to go.
let me know what I can do to hold you in my arms. Please I want you in my life sweetie.
B: I know your hurting honey, I am hurting too. We don't have to. Just come clean, you will be so glad you did. We have been harboring this guilt for years. It is coming out now because it's time to allow ourselves to be able to make one another happy. I am not listening to them it's not their call to make. It's ours. Feel ashamed a little and speak from the heart. That's what I did with Saul and they'll understand someday that we were destined to be if they haven't noticed already which I am pretty sure they have. When our eyes meet and the way we blush.
B: Saul was the man between us, not the other way around. You just got beat to the punch. your only downfall right now is your cowardice pussy way your being. You could have had me from hello, but you didn't ever assure me that you wanted me. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want. Is that what you really want? I am going to see my family soon. I would love to bring you with us. My mom is worried about me. I have a few places we can stay. I'm going for the 4th. I hope you come. We'll be back by August.
B: Don't be sad papito. I don't like to see you like this. Let me in and I'll kiss that heart of yours and make it all better. We have an opportunity for a fresh start together. The only thing holding you back, is YOU. Your family will forgive you they always do, you need to put your foot down and fight for me now if you want there to be an us. Carpe Diem, which means seize the day. Don't be afraid and don't delay, nothing can seize you, and no one will please you the way I will honey, be the man I know you could be.
B: Show some confidence that well overcome all this and be together. I know you got it in you. Please, no more police, no more drama, just be real and it's not your fault the heart wants what it wants no matter how crazy it sounds you should never fight it. Just embrace it cuz your luck is changing and I am waiting for you at the finish line. I'll help you lick your wounds and be faithful to you and only you.
Well I proved my love to you as much as I could. This is your last chance to make things right in our lives. Maybe I have too much faith in you and I am being overly optimistic, but I can't help loving you.
B: Please don't keep me in the dark let me in and tell me how your feeling. I am a great listener. I need this in order to move on. I am staying at Hogans this weekend. I would like it if you join me so we can work this out.
B: Just have faith my love.
B: Baby cakes, How long had it been since you made love? It seems like an eternity. Please lets not waste anymore time. I'm waiting eagerly for you, sweet dreams. If you have a chance to sneak out and steal the key to the scooter and visit me tonight.. Its my scooter. I have the title right here in my name so your safe babe. I'm wicked horny.
B: Pretty please with whip cream on top and a cherry. I have ice cream and a nice comfy bed with NetFlix and smokes. I'm been craving you for five months and I am about to burst honey.
B: Missy is out for the night. The kids are asleep and I am all by my lonesome and I want you so bad that my naa naa is clenching with fire. I am going to rock your world babycakes. I am preparing the naa naa to your eating. I wish you were here instead of there.
B: I want you so bad it hurts.
just come tapping on my window. Maybe pull a Christina.
LOL!
B: Oh shit, Missy is home in her room.
B: I'm watching a movie. Have you ever seen The Bible?
B: She just told me that her uncle passed away and she is taking a trip to Atlanta. House will be my oyster soon. Don't believe everything you hear from Saul. He is talking out of his ass.
Although the both of them are liars and fibbers.
B: Just come papi.
B: Park the scooter down the street and walk through the backyard gate. Come through the back, but b super quite so the bitch doesn't hear you. She suspect's something because I'm wearing something sexy to bed.
you will definitely likey. I hope you come soon cuz I am about to fall asleep. I don't care just wake me. I am going to take a power nap.
...........................................................
I did take a nap and when I woke up no sign of Primo.
B: I'm missing you.
Another lonesome night without my boo to cuddle up to.
Sweet dreams Jellybeans.
B: I wish you felt the same way about me that I feel for you. It is a shame that we may never be together. I guess I must have been wrong about you. I am sure there must be some gorgeous creature out there for me. I was just hoping it was you.
B: Dueces mi amore.
When I woke up that morning I was surprised to see a sign. There was a beautiful fresh flower laying on the dining room table. I asked Missy if she put it there and she had not. It had to of been Primo. What did he come in and watch me sleep and not woken me up?
I thought ok..... He must b shy. I will give him another chance. Since I know that fresh flowers are usually his signature trademark.
B: The back door is unlocked. I'm waiting.
No sign of him. I was beginning to feel a little hopeless. My birthday was right around the corner and I was dreading being alone.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
LET HIM GO. (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by B' onnie
May 2015
LET HIM GO
Let him go, let him go
It is time to let him go
It is evident he don't need you
Or want you so
You need to
Let him go
He broke your heart
So ease your pain
And relinquish
Thoughts in your brain
You don't have to wallow in pain
Sometimes life may seem so mundane
So take your time
And let him go
You tell yourself
That he'll be there
But in fact he really don't care
What did I do
For you to hate me so?
Other than loving you
So let him
Go.
Feel free to listen to this song with instrumentals behind it on SoundCloud.com- Boston B'onnie Audette. Thanx 4 listening n caring. This song goes out to my soon to be
x-husband that proves 2 me day by day that he never really gave a shit about me to begin with, so why should I even care so much? I guess I was the better person in the relationship since I showed a lot more compassion then most people would have.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Chapter 39- The Boheeva
05/11/2015
Missy was being a bully. Saul would call her the boheeva. She was insistent about us paying her money even though she was not the rightful owner of the house. I really did appreciated her for letting us move in, but had I known what a bully and a tyrant she was beforehand I would have never let my kid's near her. First impressions led me to believe that she was a good person. Saul and I did agree to pay her rent, but we did not sign any legal documents stating that and later come to find out that all of us were squatting in that house so we didn't see the point of paying her rent. Instead Saul fixed the hole in the ceiling. Missy was illegally paying the water bill and my husband was able to get the electric bill in his name and I handled the trash bill.
I wasn't sure what was happening between my husband and I, but I sensed it wasn't good for he was staying out a lot while I waited for him in bed. A few nights Saul and Missy would stay up late talking and it really upset me because I would be waiting in bed fuming that he was having an affair. In fact, I was beginning not to even care anymore because someone else was creeping into my heart and consuming my mind. I really wasn't sure how to make any sense of it, I just came to the conclusion that the heart know's what it wants. It still didn't seem right falling in love with my husbands brother, but it is not like Saul really loved me anymore for his actions were telling me so.
On this day Missy got up in my face. She crossed a boundary with me and started acting as if she was my mother claiming that, "This is my house."
Missy was being a bully. Saul would call her the boheeva. She was insistent about us paying her money even though she was not the rightful owner of the house. I really did appreciated her for letting us move in, but had I known what a bully and a tyrant she was beforehand I would have never let my kid's near her. First impressions led me to believe that she was a good person. Saul and I did agree to pay her rent, but we did not sign any legal documents stating that and later come to find out that all of us were squatting in that house so we didn't see the point of paying her rent. Instead Saul fixed the hole in the ceiling. Missy was illegally paying the water bill and my husband was able to get the electric bill in his name and I handled the trash bill.
I wasn't sure what was happening between my husband and I, but I sensed it wasn't good for he was staying out a lot while I waited for him in bed. A few nights Saul and Missy would stay up late talking and it really upset me because I would be waiting in bed fuming that he was having an affair. In fact, I was beginning not to even care anymore because someone else was creeping into my heart and consuming my mind. I really wasn't sure how to make any sense of it, I just came to the conclusion that the heart know's what it wants. It still didn't seem right falling in love with my husbands brother, but it is not like Saul really loved me anymore for his actions were telling me so.
On this day Missy got up in my face. She crossed a boundary with me and started acting as if she was my mother claiming that, "This is my house."
I told her, "Listen, this is our house and I am a grown woman who can do what she pleases. I don't have to take orders from you."
At this time I had company. My neighbor and her child were in the backyard with me and Missy was standing in between the sliding glass door. Missy turned around grabbing the wooden chair and throws it at me almost hitting the child in the face aside of me. Luckily, I caught the chair in time and set it down.
I said, "You crazy bitch! I am out of here."
"let's go over to your house." I said to my neighbor.
Then Missy states, "Oh no you won't "
She was trying to hold us up against our will as she stood in between the sliding glass doorway.
Missy was a heavy set woman in her forties it really didn't take too much to topple her over and make her lose her balance.
Missy was a heavy set woman in her forties it really didn't take too much to topple her over and make her lose her balance.
I said, "Then I will just have to go through you."
I nudged her over to the side with my shoulder and she backed up into the table and we left the premises. Then I text messaged Saul to let him know what happened. I told Saul about all the times Missy had flipped out on us, and that the situation was escalating. I also informed him of the borderline abuse that I witnessed between her and our kids and that I felt we should put a restraining order against her.
Saul took her defense and said, "If it were not for her we wouldn't have a place to live."
I said, "True, but we need to protect ourselves because she is acting crazy lately."
So when Saul came home I left him with the kid's and went to my friends house to talk it over with them and get a second opinion about the restraining order. Also to avoid another confrontation with Missy and calm my nerves.
B: Missy has got into your head. She has more to lose than us we are safe. Hear me out.
Saul: Nobody gets in my head I cannot leave the kids behind. You need grow up and stop using that shit.
B: We are around the corner for 10 min. Just give me 10 min.
Saul: No don't ask me again.
B: See why do you want to gang up on me and take her side. I wish we could work out our differences and stay a united front.
Saul: No.
B:This bitch has no idea who she is fucking with. Mrs. Solorzano is rowdy now. She is not fucking with my livelihood.
Saul: ok.
B: We have children. She picked up a chair and tried to hit me with it right next to a child and his mother.
Saul: ok we will but i need to find out is your idea.
B: Just want to hear you out. Get your take on the situation.
Saul: What?
B: Come get me.
Saul: You can come i m in bed.
B: Aren't you going to protect me from the boheeva?
Open the door
Plz
Saul: yup
05/12/2015
B: Missy has got into your head. She has more to lose than us we are safe. Hear me out.
Saul: Nobody gets in my head I cannot leave the kids behind. You need grow up and stop using that shit.
B: We are around the corner for 10 min. Just give me 10 min.
Saul: No don't ask me again.
B: See why do you want to gang up on me and take her side. I wish we could work out our differences and stay a united front.
Saul: No.
B:This bitch has no idea who she is fucking with. Mrs. Solorzano is rowdy now. She is not fucking with my livelihood.
Saul: ok.
B: We have children. She picked up a chair and tried to hit me with it right next to a child and his mother.
Saul: ok we will but i need to find out is your idea.
B: Just want to hear you out. Get your take on the situation.
Saul: What?
B: Come get me.
Saul: You can come i m in bed.
B: Aren't you going to protect me from the boheeva?
Open the door
Plz
Saul: yup
05/12/2015
That should have been my first clue that one abuser will always back up another abuser. I just thought being my husband and making a vow to protect your wife and family must have meant something to him. Apparently I was wrong.
I decided to push the restraining order. Saul and I dropped the subject and agreed to disagree. We went about our daily life. Today Jr. was having more health issues. I took him to the ENT for a checkup and he had a double ear infection and needed antibiotics.
B: I just dropped off Liam script they said it will take an hour so I am going home to put Jr. For nap.
I decided to push the restraining order. Saul and I dropped the subject and agreed to disagree. We went about our daily life. Today Jr. was having more health issues. I took him to the ENT for a checkup and he had a double ear infection and needed antibiotics.
B: I just dropped off Liam script they said it will take an hour so I am going home to put Jr. For nap.
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Chapter 38- Nicaragua
03/01/2015
Saul's brother Javier was going to have his wedding in Nicaragua where Saul was originally from. We were all going to go, so I purchased a passport for Jr. because he didn't have one and get his immunization shots to travel.
03/27/2015 Text messages sent to Saul from B.
B: There is a passport health location on 58th st in Clearwater. I can secure an appointment for 4/1/15 @ 10:30 am with a C.C. but if you cancel within 24 hrs of the appointment they charge you $50 for cancellation. That's why I wanted to consult you first before giving any C.C. info to them.
B: Just for a travel consultantion it's $100. The Typhoid is $100 and the Malaria is between $80-$120 or more they wouldn't tell me over the phone and they only administer it as an injection.
B: So you are looking at $300-400 in immunizations. Are you sure? I have till 5pm to secure this appointment.
B: I can go to the FHD and get one of them for $66.
B: Liam just fell asleep lying.on my chest. Awwwww. He's just a bebe still DaDa.
04/01/2015
Saul: yup
B: When? I'm just going to eat your food since your not here. I would hate to see another dinner go to waste since your out galavanting doing God knows who with God knows what. See this is not love.
04/03/2015
B: It's 1pm and your nowhere to be found. So much for taking care of your responsibilities. No one has eaten yet and we are all still getting ready.
Saul: On my way home.
04/07/2015
B:Do you want me to make you lunch?
Saul: no babe i brought lunch from the freezer.
B: Oh good. I will pack you a lunch every night but you have to remember to grab it. Ok. Save your money.
Saul: Ok my love i appreciate you very much. Thanks.
B: Ditto means love you right back babe. I told you this b4!
Saul: Ok honey thanks.
you paid the c.c. fifth and third in full ?
some how there is $500.00 available pending. never mine it was a system error. i will be home soon get the kids ready so we can go to ross.
04/10/2015
I just got news that my teenage cousin had passed away in Massachusetts's. I told Saul that I needed to go to be with my family and that he should just take Jr. To Nicaragua for the wedding. I would take Pat with me to the funeral. I wasn't even sure if taking Jr. out of the country was even a good idea because they did not have the Malaria vaccine to give him before he left, but Saul assured me he would make sure Jr. got it when they arrived. Saul told me he gave it to him orally, but with all the research I found out about the medicine it said it could only be given by injection. I believe Saul was lying when he said he administered the vaccine.
04/13/2015
B: I'm at the park with Jr. cuz I'm going to miss him. We went for a bike ride.
Babe I need 2 leave tonight so I can get to the funeral in time.
Saul: Wait, I understand honey. Just relax.
I had to go NOW or else Pat and I wouldn't make it in time, for we had to drive all the way from Florida up to Massachusetts.
Pat and I took a road trip to see my cousin Brittany one last time. I was very emotional over the whole thing because she was way too young to die. She was only 17 year's old and the whole time I kept thinking why. Had she been so depressed? Was she trying to give up, or had she felt unloved? The last time I saw her she appeared to be lonely and always in a reserved manner.
I just thought how that could have been Pat. That's why children need both of their parents. To talk to our kid's and be there for them and ask them what they need from us on a constant basis. Pat and I talked a lot on that road trip about life and death. I wanted to answer any questions he had. I recalled when I saw a dead body for the first time when I was 7 years old. I had no one to talk to and I was a frightened child who had lots of questions. Pat was 9 year's old now and I asked him if he thought he could handle it. Pat told me yes that he could, and by the look's of it he seemed to handle himself well. When we got to the wake Pat said his peace to Britt and was reintroduced to all my side of the family. As soon as he arrived at my mother's house he fell asleep. I am thankful for this time with my son. There are so many moments in his life I know I may not be part of but, I sure am glad I could shed some light on death.
The next morning was the funeral and when I woke up everyone was asleep except for my brother Chris. He and I knew that we were not going to make the church, but if we left at that moment we would make it in time for the burial. The whole way Chris and I argued. I know he and I were having a hard time dealing with Brittany's death for they were really close. She had died of a drug overdose and we couldn't seem to wrap our heads around it as to why this had to happen.
Saul's brother Javier was going to have his wedding in Nicaragua where Saul was originally from. We were all going to go, so I purchased a passport for Jr. because he didn't have one and get his immunization shots to travel.
03/27/2015 Text messages sent to Saul from B.
B: There is a passport health location on 58th st in Clearwater. I can secure an appointment for 4/1/15 @ 10:30 am with a C.C. but if you cancel within 24 hrs of the appointment they charge you $50 for cancellation. That's why I wanted to consult you first before giving any C.C. info to them.
B: Just for a travel consultantion it's $100. The Typhoid is $100 and the Malaria is between $80-$120 or more they wouldn't tell me over the phone and they only administer it as an injection.
B: So you are looking at $300-400 in immunizations. Are you sure? I have till 5pm to secure this appointment.
B: I can go to the FHD and get one of them for $66.
B: Liam just fell asleep lying.on my chest. Awwwww. He's just a bebe still DaDa.
04/01/2015
Saul: yup
B: When? I'm just going to eat your food since your not here. I would hate to see another dinner go to waste since your out galavanting doing God knows who with God knows what. See this is not love.
04/03/2015
B: It's 1pm and your nowhere to be found. So much for taking care of your responsibilities. No one has eaten yet and we are all still getting ready.
Saul: On my way home.
04/07/2015
B:Do you want me to make you lunch?
Saul: no babe i brought lunch from the freezer.
B: Oh good. I will pack you a lunch every night but you have to remember to grab it. Ok. Save your money.
Saul: Ok my love i appreciate you very much. Thanks.
B: Ditto means love you right back babe. I told you this b4!
Saul: Ok honey thanks.
you paid the c.c. fifth and third in full ?
some how there is $500.00 available pending. never mine it was a system error. i will be home soon get the kids ready so we can go to ross.
04/10/2015
I just got news that my teenage cousin had passed away in Massachusetts's. I told Saul that I needed to go to be with my family and that he should just take Jr. To Nicaragua for the wedding. I would take Pat with me to the funeral. I wasn't even sure if taking Jr. out of the country was even a good idea because they did not have the Malaria vaccine to give him before he left, but Saul assured me he would make sure Jr. got it when they arrived. Saul told me he gave it to him orally, but with all the research I found out about the medicine it said it could only be given by injection. I believe Saul was lying when he said he administered the vaccine.
04/13/2015
B: I'm at the park with Jr. cuz I'm going to miss him. We went for a bike ride.
Babe I need 2 leave tonight so I can get to the funeral in time.
Saul: Wait, I understand honey. Just relax.
I had to go NOW or else Pat and I wouldn't make it in time, for we had to drive all the way from Florida up to Massachusetts.
Pat and I took a road trip to see my cousin Brittany one last time. I was very emotional over the whole thing because she was way too young to die. She was only 17 year's old and the whole time I kept thinking why. Had she been so depressed? Was she trying to give up, or had she felt unloved? The last time I saw her she appeared to be lonely and always in a reserved manner.
I just thought how that could have been Pat. That's why children need both of their parents. To talk to our kid's and be there for them and ask them what they need from us on a constant basis. Pat and I talked a lot on that road trip about life and death. I wanted to answer any questions he had. I recalled when I saw a dead body for the first time when I was 7 years old. I had no one to talk to and I was a frightened child who had lots of questions. Pat was 9 year's old now and I asked him if he thought he could handle it. Pat told me yes that he could, and by the look's of it he seemed to handle himself well. When we got to the wake Pat said his peace to Britt and was reintroduced to all my side of the family. As soon as he arrived at my mother's house he fell asleep. I am thankful for this time with my son. There are so many moments in his life I know I may not be part of but, I sure am glad I could shed some light on death.
The next morning was the funeral and when I woke up everyone was asleep except for my brother Chris. He and I knew that we were not going to make the church, but if we left at that moment we would make it in time for the burial. The whole way Chris and I argued. I know he and I were having a hard time dealing with Brittany's death for they were really close. She had died of a drug overdose and we couldn't seem to wrap our heads around it as to why this had to happen.
I told Chris that, "I drove all the way from Florida for this and there was no way I was going to miss it."
We arrived at the cemetery just in time for the burial.
As I walked over all the graves at Cambridge cemetery I prayed to my nana to give me strength, but as soon as I saw the crowd I fell to my knee's and cried.
As I walked over all the graves at Cambridge cemetery I prayed to my nana to give me strength, but as soon as I saw the crowd I fell to my knee's and cried.
My brother helped me up and I spoke up to heaven, "I made it Britt, almost didn't, but here I am. I made it cuz."
As I got closer I saw my two uncle's whom I hadn't seen in the last two years, since my nana passed. Remembering that alone made me sad and all I wanted to do was hug my uncle and cry. Honestly, I was traumatized by that cemetery, something about that place and knowing more than half of my relatives were buried underneath that ground creeped me out. Especially standing over her grave. Then I payed my respects to my nana's plots. Personally, I never wish to be buried, just cremate my ass, burn me to a crisp, and spread my ashes through the air so I can fly first before I reach the ocean to become fish bait. That's the circle of life.
The cool part of my trip was talking to my best friend Pierce and her two boys into driving back to Florida with me. We went to Lego Land and while we were there I got a surprise phone call from Primo. It was really special to hear his voice and know that he wanted to travel with me. He sounded so hopeful and he called me baby. I knew we were forming a tight bond, my intuition was right I could feel his love for me.
04/26/2015
Saul: HI BABE JUST ARRIVED IN MIAMI ALL IS WELL.
When Jr. arrived home he had a high fever and was showing signs of a concussion. When Jr. came back from Nicaragua his behavior worsened and his development regressed a lot. He came back unbalanced and falling, hitting a lot, and sick. Marianne from Early Steps witnessed Jr's aggressive behavior and suggested Jr.was a good candidate for the FDLRS program for children who are developmentally delayed, and they offered him speech therapy inclusive services as well. Unfortunately, Saul made sure none of those services happened for Jr. I suppose he was trying to hide the abuse.
After Saul came home from Nicaragua I found out he spent all the money we were saving to buy a home. We were now almost broke. He never told me that was his plan either. He said he would replace it; that never happened.
05/06/2015
B: Thanks for yesterday. Hows your day goin? Are you staying for OT?
Saul: Not today but maybe tomorrow and Friday. U r welcome. The ass hoe luvs U.
Day is going good.
B: Going to get food
Saul: Sounds good babe i appreciate everything you do for are family.
05/08/2015
Saul: AT MY MOM AND DAD WILL BE IN A BEAT.
B: Yeah ok. No prob just checking in on allowing you in. (Because we made a deal if he was ever intoxicated not to come home and I knew he was)
Saul: When i home i will tell u so we can get are house. Don't say nothing to anyone yet.
The cool part of my trip was talking to my best friend Pierce and her two boys into driving back to Florida with me. We went to Lego Land and while we were there I got a surprise phone call from Primo. It was really special to hear his voice and know that he wanted to travel with me. He sounded so hopeful and he called me baby. I knew we were forming a tight bond, my intuition was right I could feel his love for me.
04/26/2015
Saul: HI BABE JUST ARRIVED IN MIAMI ALL IS WELL.
When Jr. arrived home he had a high fever and was showing signs of a concussion. When Jr. came back from Nicaragua his behavior worsened and his development regressed a lot. He came back unbalanced and falling, hitting a lot, and sick. Marianne from Early Steps witnessed Jr's aggressive behavior and suggested Jr.was a good candidate for the FDLRS program for children who are developmentally delayed, and they offered him speech therapy inclusive services as well. Unfortunately, Saul made sure none of those services happened for Jr. I suppose he was trying to hide the abuse.
After Saul came home from Nicaragua I found out he spent all the money we were saving to buy a home. We were now almost broke. He never told me that was his plan either. He said he would replace it; that never happened.
05/06/2015
B: Thanks for yesterday. Hows your day goin? Are you staying for OT?
Saul: Not today but maybe tomorrow and Friday. U r welcome. The ass hoe luvs U.
Day is going good.
B: Going to get food
Saul: Sounds good babe i appreciate everything you do for are family.
05/08/2015
Saul: AT MY MOM AND DAD WILL BE IN A BEAT.
B: Yeah ok. No prob just checking in on allowing you in. (Because we made a deal if he was ever intoxicated not to come home and I knew he was)
Saul: When i home i will tell u so we can get are house. Don't say nothing to anyone yet.
B: Mmmmm k........
(Saul was feeding me bullshit false promises about his latest money making schemes to buying a house again. Now he wanted in on a business that his dad was starting. He needed to put down $800 on a car lift and he asked me if I would pay Primo's lawyer to bail his ass out of jail. I know I should have saved that money to buying a home, but I figuered my dreams with Saul were beyond shattered now so why the heck not. Unfortunately, I should have kept that money to formulate an emergency escape plan once Saul turned on me again, but my dumb ass didn't anticipate that to happen so abruptly. )
FYI: I advise all parents to always form an escape plan with their children just in case of emergency so they will have an idea of what to expect and do during a state of panic.
Pierce and I took the kid's to this little water park in Dunedin. Jr. Already mastered his gross motor skills so I found it odd that since he came back from Nicaragua he was walking into walls and tripping over his own two feet and almost bit his tongue off. The blood was everywhere, all over Jr. and Pierce's little boy that helped him over to us. I couldn't understand why Jr was so disorientated, he was clearly showing signs of a concussion or Malaria. Which was hard to decipher because the symptoms are very similiar.
CONCUSSION IN CHILDREN
A concussion can cause bruising, swelling, and bleeding in the brain and skull. Children below the age of three are more susceptible and at a higher risk of injury, because their skulls are soft and not fully developed any excessive blows to the head can cause serious brain damage. Also known as a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).
Early signs of concussion include....
Confusion. Agitation. Dizziness. Headache. Nausea. Vomiting
Late signs are............Persistent Irritability. Headache
Poor Attention Span
Lightheadedness
Memory problems. Blurry vision
Sensitive to light and noise
Ringing in ears.
Parts of body feel numb or tingle
Loses balance, drops things, trips a lot
Signs of Malaria out of Wikipedia. ..........
Malaria is a mosquito blood-borne infectious disease affecting humans and other animals by parasitic protozoans. Malaria causes symptoms that typically include fever, feeling tired, and vomiting and headaches. In severe cases it can cause yellow skin, seizures, coma, or death. Symptoms usually begin ten to fifteen days after being bitten. If not properly treated, people may have reoccurances of the disease months later. In those who have recently survived an infection, reinfection usually causes milder symptoms. This partial resistance disappears over months to years if the person has no continuing exposure to Malaria.
Pierce's son was also showing signs of it as well soon after he made contact with Jr's blood a few weeks later. Which allowed me to believe that Jr. could be contagious with a serious infectious disease due to Saul's negligence. I felt his head and he had a fever as well as a lump on his head. I just sat there holding my son and crying. Pierce told me that Saul mentioned what Jr did to papa's TV in Nicaragua. He had broken it and in return they wacked him over the head with a pole. That was my final straw with Saul. In order to protect my kid's, Saul had to go.
"Love doesn't destroy. it builds. Never let a narcissus make you think it's love when it isn't. Its not love when they get their high from making you low. Its not love when they get their strength from seeing you weak. Its not love when they get their power from controlling your life. Its not love when they make you get so used to the pain that you actually forget what it feels like to not be broken. It's time for you to break away from the person who is breaking you. It is not of GOD if your spirit is being robbed. So don't let them convince you that the pain that they give you is all that GOD has for you. GOD created you to live beautiful, not broken. GOD created you to be loved, not abused. So stop accepting what he didn't create you to accept. Love doesn't send you to the hospital. Love doesn't make you cover up the bruises. The heart that is meant to love you will be dedicated to building you, not breaking you. Understand, love doesn't have to be perfect, but it needs to be true. It's not real if hurt is all that you feel." (Trent Shelton)
Thank you so much Trent for saying it so perfectly honest. Follow him on YouTube because this man is so powerful. I couldn't have said it any better myself.
(Saul was feeding me bullshit false promises about his latest money making schemes to buying a house again. Now he wanted in on a business that his dad was starting. He needed to put down $800 on a car lift and he asked me if I would pay Primo's lawyer to bail his ass out of jail. I know I should have saved that money to buying a home, but I figuered my dreams with Saul were beyond shattered now so why the heck not. Unfortunately, I should have kept that money to formulate an emergency escape plan once Saul turned on me again, but my dumb ass didn't anticipate that to happen so abruptly. )
FYI: I advise all parents to always form an escape plan with their children just in case of emergency so they will have an idea of what to expect and do during a state of panic.
Pierce and I took the kid's to this little water park in Dunedin. Jr. Already mastered his gross motor skills so I found it odd that since he came back from Nicaragua he was walking into walls and tripping over his own two feet and almost bit his tongue off. The blood was everywhere, all over Jr. and Pierce's little boy that helped him over to us. I couldn't understand why Jr was so disorientated, he was clearly showing signs of a concussion or Malaria. Which was hard to decipher because the symptoms are very similiar.
CONCUSSION IN CHILDREN
A concussion can cause bruising, swelling, and bleeding in the brain and skull. Children below the age of three are more susceptible and at a higher risk of injury, because their skulls are soft and not fully developed any excessive blows to the head can cause serious brain damage. Also known as a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).
Early signs of concussion include....
Confusion. Agitation. Dizziness. Headache. Nausea. Vomiting
Late signs are............Persistent Irritability. Headache
Poor Attention Span
Lightheadedness
Memory problems. Blurry vision
Sensitive to light and noise
Ringing in ears.
Parts of body feel numb or tingle
Loses balance, drops things, trips a lot
Signs of Malaria out of Wikipedia. ..........
Malaria is a mosquito blood-borne infectious disease affecting humans and other animals by parasitic protozoans. Malaria causes symptoms that typically include fever, feeling tired, and vomiting and headaches. In severe cases it can cause yellow skin, seizures, coma, or death. Symptoms usually begin ten to fifteen days after being bitten. If not properly treated, people may have reoccurances of the disease months later. In those who have recently survived an infection, reinfection usually causes milder symptoms. This partial resistance disappears over months to years if the person has no continuing exposure to Malaria.
Pierce's son was also showing signs of it as well soon after he made contact with Jr's blood a few weeks later. Which allowed me to believe that Jr. could be contagious with a serious infectious disease due to Saul's negligence. I felt his head and he had a fever as well as a lump on his head. I just sat there holding my son and crying. Pierce told me that Saul mentioned what Jr did to papa's TV in Nicaragua. He had broken it and in return they wacked him over the head with a pole. That was my final straw with Saul. In order to protect my kid's, Saul had to go.
"Love doesn't destroy. it builds. Never let a narcissus make you think it's love when it isn't. Its not love when they get their high from making you low. Its not love when they get their strength from seeing you weak. Its not love when they get their power from controlling your life. Its not love when they make you get so used to the pain that you actually forget what it feels like to not be broken. It's time for you to break away from the person who is breaking you. It is not of GOD if your spirit is being robbed. So don't let them convince you that the pain that they give you is all that GOD has for you. GOD created you to live beautiful, not broken. GOD created you to be loved, not abused. So stop accepting what he didn't create you to accept. Love doesn't send you to the hospital. Love doesn't make you cover up the bruises. The heart that is meant to love you will be dedicated to building you, not breaking you. Understand, love doesn't have to be perfect, but it needs to be true. It's not real if hurt is all that you feel." (Trent Shelton)
Thank you so much Trent for saying it so perfectly honest. Follow him on YouTube because this man is so powerful. I couldn't have said it any better myself.
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Chapter 35- Dear Lord?
01/01/2015
Dear Lord,
Father I come to you now beseeching your advice about my husband Saul. First and foremost Please forgive him father for he not know what he has done to us...he is sick and twisted when he is under the influence of alcohol. I believe he is an alcoholic and is in need of help. Please, break through his barriers to help him accept his illness and find a way to receive that help so we can continue to be a family. I don't want to lose him. I just would like to see him get better and stop all this violence.
Should I take him back father so I can set him on the right path to getting sober? My children have been asking for their father and it seems rather selfish of me to deny them that right. I feel bad and I want to do the right thing but I am not sure what that is. Please give me a sign and let me know how to proceed...........
I went to church and prayed for a long time and all the messages I received from the spirit were to let him go and learn for himself. I wish I would have listened to my gut. I took him back instead of following my intuition because he was my husband which I made a vow through sickness and health till death do us part and that meant the world to me. I wasn't about to abandon my husband when he was going through such a difficult time in his life. He needed my help, I wasn't going to deny that.
I did appreciate everything he did for this family and how he visited me almost every night I was in the hospital and stood by me when I needed help. He tried his best to be a good provider. He was ok at being a father and husband but at least he tried. Maybe he was not trying his best but was making an effort to change and showing slim improvements which was better than nothing.
When we discussed what changes that needed to be made I set some stipulations that had to be abided in order for us to live together.
First, no alcohol was allowed in the house.
Second, He needed to attend some meetings.
Third, Saul was not allowed to be around the kids when he was drinking so if he ended up intoxicated he was not allowed to come home.
My father has not left us astray but has chosen the word to be revealed.
The Lord anointed my eyes: I went, I washed, I saw and I believed in GOD.
- John 9:11
As Jesus passed by he saw a man blind from birth. His disciple's asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so the works of GOD might be made visible through him. We have to do the works of the one who sent me while it is day. Night is coming when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." When he has said this, he spat on the ground and made clay with the saliva, and smeared the clay on his eyes, and said to him, "Go wash in the pool of Siloam." So he went and washed, and came back able to see. - John 9:1-41
Dear Lord,
Father I come to you now beseeching your advice about my husband Saul. First and foremost Please forgive him father for he not know what he has done to us...he is sick and twisted when he is under the influence of alcohol. I believe he is an alcoholic and is in need of help. Please, break through his barriers to help him accept his illness and find a way to receive that help so we can continue to be a family. I don't want to lose him. I just would like to see him get better and stop all this violence.
Should I take him back father so I can set him on the right path to getting sober? My children have been asking for their father and it seems rather selfish of me to deny them that right. I feel bad and I want to do the right thing but I am not sure what that is. Please give me a sign and let me know how to proceed...........
I went to church and prayed for a long time and all the messages I received from the spirit were to let him go and learn for himself. I wish I would have listened to my gut. I took him back instead of following my intuition because he was my husband which I made a vow through sickness and health till death do us part and that meant the world to me. I wasn't about to abandon my husband when he was going through such a difficult time in his life. He needed my help, I wasn't going to deny that.
I did appreciate everything he did for this family and how he visited me almost every night I was in the hospital and stood by me when I needed help. He tried his best to be a good provider. He was ok at being a father and husband but at least he tried. Maybe he was not trying his best but was making an effort to change and showing slim improvements which was better than nothing.
When we discussed what changes that needed to be made I set some stipulations that had to be abided in order for us to live together.
First, no alcohol was allowed in the house.
Second, He needed to attend some meetings.
Third, Saul was not allowed to be around the kids when he was drinking so if he ended up intoxicated he was not allowed to come home.
My father has not left us astray but has chosen the word to be revealed.
The Lord anointed my eyes: I went, I washed, I saw and I believed in GOD.
- John 9:11
As Jesus passed by he saw a man blind from birth. His disciple's asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so the works of GOD might be made visible through him. We have to do the works of the one who sent me while it is day. Night is coming when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." When he has said this, he spat on the ground and made clay with the saliva, and smeared the clay on his eyes, and said to him, "Go wash in the pool of Siloam." So he went and washed, and came back able to see. - John 9:1-41
Chapter 34- A Not So Merry X-Mas
12-15-2014
At this point in
time we decided to move in with Missy due to health issues in our last
apartment and rental problems. Missy and Saul were having arguments as well,
but as long as he gave her money she seemed to get over it. Missy was all about
her money. She liked to be up in the middle of our relationship too, which I
did not like. Ever since that time I ended up in the hospital it seemed like
Missy and Saul had a secret agenda behind my back. Now I feel like I know
exactly what that agenda was. I always thought they were having an affair, but I
didn't care. I didn't care about Saul’s affairs anymore. I had fallen out of
love with him.
The holidays were
approaching so that meant Saul was starting to drink more often. There was this
night in particular right before Christmas Saul came home from work early
already intoxicated. I asked him if he lost his job. He just boasted that they
had a party at work and everybody got to go home early. He was being a jerk
about me questioning him. I told him, "listen I am your wife, don't you
think I have a right to know?" Saul was quite a spit fire, in a fit he
ended up putting a hole in the wall.
I walked away from
him to deescalate the situation and he follows me. The baby begins to cry
because of all the yelling and Saul picks up my two year old baby by the head
of his hair. My poor baby lets out a blood curdling scream which I can hear
throughout my nightmares. My baby is scared of his father.
I snap and attack my
husband to defend my baby,
"Put him down, he is just a baby, you’re
hurting him."
Saul pushes me back against the bunk bed and starts pounding
me in the head with his fists. I do my best to protect myself by clawing my
nails into him, but I am not a man I have no control. My oldest son jumps on
Saul to try and protect me as my son is thrown into the dresser breaking it.
That's when Saul stopped and saw the destruction he caused. It was like history
repeating itself and he doesn't even know what is happening. That's when I knew
we have to get out of here.
I scooped up my
crying baby in my arms as he was clinging tightly to my chest I was telling
him,
"Shhhh…..Its ok baby, mommy is going to get us out of here."
I
didn't think twice about grabbing a thing, not even shoes. I just wanted to
remove my child from any danger so I stepped outside while the pavement was
cold and wet I was barefoot. The rain was trickling down as I fastened my baby
in his car seat and I entered my vehicle, finally a moment of silence. I started
to think, what do I need? That way I zone in and get what I need as to avoid
him then get out. The baby needs a bottle, blanket, so he is comfortable and
first I need to check on my other son to make sure he is ok, my phone, my
purse, and my keys.
I go in and see
that he is talking with my son so I take this quick opportunity to grab all the
things I need. First the bottle, blanket, and go back out to the car. The baby
is ok I give him the bottle and blanket. Then I check my purse. Where is my
phone and keys? He took them. That bastard is keeping us against our will.
Where is the key? I didn't want to jump to conclusions but I know I had them
both in my purse. I had to go back in to find them.
As I went back in
I had a good look around the whole house. I tore the place apart and all of a
sudden an anxiety attack started to set in. I confronted Saul and he had Pat in
his arms acting like nothing ever happened.
I asked Pat, "Are you all
right baby?"
Pat shook his head.
I said, "come here."
I looked him over
real quick to make sure he wasn't bleeding, he had a huge bruise on his back,
then I told him to go out to the car with his brother.
I asked Saul,
"Where are my keys? I know you hid them give them to me now."
Saul
just pretended like he didn't know what I was talking about and helped me look
for them. As we both searched the house he asked me what was wrong and I told
him that if he did not find my keys that he was going to be the one leaving once I called the police.
He didn't seem to
understand.
I told him again. "If you don't give me my phone and key's
immediately I am kicking you out for good. I can't live like this anymore. You
want to take your aggression out on these kids you have another thing coming.
Don't you dare even go where they’re? You know what! Just get the fuck out!"
So Saul left, but
before he did I found my stuff after he planted it.
12/25/2014
That Christmas was
so refreshing. It was the first one that was all about the kid's opening their
gifts and having fun. Nobody was drinking or being loud and stupid for once. It
was peaceful and cheerful. Everyone was happy. No Saul. Granted I haven't spent
the past two Christmas's with my boys but at least the last one I did spend
with them I know we will never forget because I made sure that it was extra
special just for my boys. No one was going to ruin our Christmas this year my
loves, especially not Saul.
Pat wore Oscar the
grouch pj's and Jr kept trying to eat the tootsie rolls with the wrappers on. I
even had on a pj set. We all did. Jr loved his bike helmet so much he didn't
want to take it off. It was a project trying to teach him how to open gifts. He
really didn't get it. He was only two years old but it was hilariousness when
Pat scared him with the dinosaur he got. We all laughed. Pat is such an awesome
older brother. I wonder if Jr still follows him around like he used to? I miss
my boys. I don't even know anything about them now thanks to Saul and DCF.
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Challenged (Revolution Lyrics) By, B'onnie
CHALLENGED
Pop
& Blues
By,
B’ onnie
To A duel,
People will make fun of you.
Because you are different doesn’t make you less
perfect.
You can overcome,
Whether you can’t hear or see
Your brain just works differently than mine you see
Challenged its true
But we’ll pull through
I wish you could walk like me
Stop, fall, and shake, or seize
Don’t live in fear
Just be grateful for life
Just look what you got
Because you got it all
It is just a challenge my dear.
I know it’s hard
Things don’t come easily
You struggle to hold down a job
People don’t see the pain you feel
You can overcome
Whether you are mute or deaf
Your falling apart at the seams it appears
Challenging it’s true
But you’ll pull through
I wish you could breathe like me
Missing all of your limbs you see
It could be worse
Just be grateful for your life
Look what you got!
Because you got it all…..Your just special my dear.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Chapter 30- STOP!
08/26/2013
The day of the car accident....
Saul and I argued
often, what we were arguing about specifically tonight I really couldn't tell
you. Honestly, I didn't even feel like we were arguing at all, maybe just not
agreeable on what we were watching on TV. So Saul decided to Tomahawk chuck the
remote squarely in between my two eyes off of my forehead. All I saw was
star's. I was so stunned and hurt that I began to cry and Saul started
apologizing to say it was just an accident, but clearly it wasn't. It was
mean and deliberate and I felt violated so I left and went for a ride in my
car.
I didn't know of
many places I could go. I did have a client named Missy who I would give a
ride to work early every morning. I decided to park in front of her house and
wait it out till morning. Missy spotted me parked out in her driveway and
welcomed me into her home. I opened up to her and shared my marital problems I
was having with Saul to her. She seemed to sympathize with me and helped me
cope with my emotions.
That morning as I
was driving Missy to work we made a complete stop at a stop sign and saw a
vehicle coming towards us. The truck appeared to be coming at us head on and
not slowing down and it hit us and kept coming. I blew on my horn to alert the
driver who seemed to be asleep at the wheel. The truck just plowed through my
car pushing it ten feet away. Missy exits my vehicle yelling at the driver,
"Hey Bitch! Can't you see us stopped here? What are you blind?" The
driver who appeared to be Vietnamese whom was half awake was
like "huh?"
Ridiculous, I
wasn't even able to get out of my driver side door it had to be completely
replaced. The insurance company wanted to declare my car a total loss. I wasn't
about to do such a thing considering that I finally paid it off and put a ton
of money into it. I was ready for this car to make me some money back. What I
didn't realize is that I was going to have to kill my back doing it. I was in
some serious back pain. No playing. I needed a tens unit, chiropractor, massage
therapy, and all that shit. I found out that I had three herniated discs in my
back and will have to suffer with sporadic back pain for the rest of my life.
It was excruciating sciatica pain too that would run down the leg
preventing me to walk correctly.
I recall Primo was
supposed to fix my car. Saul, Primo, and I went to find parts at the junkyard
and I was limping around in pain. I wanted to make sure the job was getting
done. Sometimes if you want something done right you have to take matters into
your own hands and that is what I was trying to do. Knowing Primo it kind of
backfired on me, but regardless I knew it was going to because that is what
happens every time you mix business with family. Primo wanted all the money up
front, and he was mad because I would only give him half until the job was
done. Sure enough Primo took his sweet ass time doing it and did a half assed
job as well and I was expected to pay him for a job well done which seemed like
a joke to me. To top it all off he shows up with his girlfriend and talks down
to me like I was the biggest shit bag on Earth for not conducting business
professionally. Personally it hurt a lot that Primo always just saw me as some
kind of personal investment instead of a human being with feelings.
(Message to Primo-
Granted I may not do things the same way everyone else does there is always a
method behind it. In this case it was to prevent you from shoving it all up
your nose and doing none of the work. I can't believe you. Now you see why I
reacted the way that I did? I saw what your plans were for me, you had no
intention to help me, you had every intention to screw me, but I made you help
me anyway and this pissed you off. Do you really think I am dumb? Think again.
Never underestimate my psychic abilities baby. I got you pegged my love. I will
never fall for your scrupulous endeavors no matter how clever. That is the one
thing this lesson has taught me.)
I was in so much
pain the next day. On my way to the bathroom I passed out. Saul caught my fall
and called the ER because I was not breathing. Ambulance said my blood pressure
was extremely low. I woke up completely paralyzed. I was not able to move, I
had no feeling. This was my first syncope somatic episode. It had not occurred
to me at the time that what I had experienced was a seizure that had been triggered by the severe pain in my back.
Thursday, March 9, 2017
CHapter 28- No good dirty cheating
08/30/2012
Pat my six year old son, was playing
video games on Saul's phone one day and a message came in then Pat hands me the
phone and says, "What's this mommy?" I looked at the message and I
saw a picture of a positive pregnancy test and I said, "What!"
Saul was asleep so
I responded back pretending to be Saul."Whose baby?", I found out the
message was received by a girl named Emma who met Saul at the pool one day
while I was away visiting my nana in Boston. She fed Saul some beers and one
thing led to another and sure enough they hooked up. Now she is supposedly pregnant with my husband’s baby.
I am thinking to
myself we just got married and now I am pregnant, GOD are you fucking with me
again? Just my luck, I'm over it. So I started throwing Saul's shit out along
with Saul and when he came back I wouldn't let him in. I should have never let
him back into our lives, but I couldn't financially support us on my own, I was
still grieving and hoping for emotional support from my husband, I would try to
confide in my husband he would produce just the opposite by throwing it in my
face or dismissing my feelings altogether. He was pressuring me constantly to
get a job because he felt it was not fair that he be the only one working and
he was only able to find temporary work.
Yet I was still grieving
and seeking services to help me with my pregnancy. There was this program
called Healthy Families that offered counseling and referrals to get the baby things.
I took advantage of these services because I knew we were living paycheck to
paycheck and Saul would frequently lose his job, so I utilized all the services
I could get. There was this one place called the Pregnancy Center and they
would give me a stack of diapers every class I would attend. Baby items, crochets
blankets, and clothes.
While I was 5 months
pregnant bending over picking up toys and yelling at Pat to clean his room I
started having contractions. I got real scared because it was way too soon for
me to be having them. I began to panic. Then I went to my room and started
crying thinking I was losing the baby. As I was praying I saw my nana's picture
on my dresser and prayed that she please honor her commitment to bless this
child. There was this little music box my nana gave me to remember her by that
played "You Are My Sunshine" and I would just wind up the music box
placing it on my belly and start taking long deep breaths. Eventually the
contractions subsided; when my husband got home he rushed me to the hospital.
They had me drink
a lot of fluids and had me waiting at Morton Plant Hospital ER in Largo, FL for
four hours for an ultrasound. They were extremely rude. I had to go to the
bathroom so bad and the one thing you definitely don't want to do is make a
poor pregnant girl wait to go to the bathroom. My husband had to dump four
bedpan buckets down the sink and I still had a full enough bladder for the
ultrasound. The Dr. Stated I was probably showing withdrawal symptoms from my
meds that I was on prior to my pregnancy and contractions due to stress which
was no surprise to me considering all the surprises and changes going on and I
can only imagine there will be more in our lives.
Unfortunately, my
husband's drinking started getting out of hand. He also displayed this kind of
behavior the last time I was pregnant with Pat. I thought he would have changed
his ways after us getting married, but he didn't, he just disrespected me even
more. I started finding e-mails he would send to other women. He even put up a
dating profile claiming he was single.
One night I waited up for him till 3 am
thinking he was dead. I called all the hospitals because he was not answering
my phone calls or texts. I called his parents house because that's where he
says he usually is and his mother claims he never came by. Then an hour later I
receive a phone call from a deputy claiming they pulled Saul over and that he
was intoxicated. The officer said that he didn't mind waiting if I was able to
pick up my car within the next hour before they impounded it.
I asked the
officer is, "Is there another passenger in the car with him?"
The official claims, "Yes, it's another female mam."
Do you know what I ended up
doing? Mind you I was six months pregnant at the time. I had to ride a bicycle
5 miles away to his parent’s house and ask them for a ride to go get my car.
Unfortunately their car was in the shop so they could not assist me. So I had
to peddle my bike back home and my car was impounded anyway. Saul was arrested
and I didn't get any sleep that night. Here is what was happening on the other
end of the spectrum.
In the area of
20th avenue and Gulf Blvd, officer observed a black 1998 Ford 2 door vehicle
bearing FL. Tags southbound on Gulf Blvd. As officer attempted to follow
vehicle it abruptly turned Eastbound on 16th Ave. I noticed driver appeared to
be Hispanic male and I continued to run the registration. As the registration
came back I found the registered owner Salomon Sanches was suspended. As
I turned off Gulf Blvd. at 14th Ave and saw the vehicle was now attempting to
continue southbound on Gulf Blvd. As it passed my location, I got behind it
again, and the vehicle quickly pulled off into the driveway of someone's home.
The driver, a Hispanic male, got out of the car and began checking the rear
passenger side of the vehicle. I asked the driver to get back into his vehicle
and asked for his driver's license and registration. The driver provided me
with a MA driver's license in the name of Salomon Sanches. The expiration
date on the license was clearly altered to read "2018." I asked
Salomon why he turned off and then back onto Gulf Blvd.
He stated he was
looking for "a friend" but did not know the address. He saw the
residence that his friend lived in but it was dark so he decided to continue on
his journey to drop off his "girlfriend" and passenger (later
identified as MiMi) at her residence in St. Pete Beach. When I asked who else
is this car registered to? He replied, "My wife." He then corrected
his "girlfriend" statement to mean an old friend from MA who was female
and also a friend of his wife.
I noticed Salomon's hands were shaking and he
appeared to be very nervous. He also had a very strong and obvious odor of
alcohol coming from his breath and body. His eyes were red, bloodshot, and
glassy. His speech, though slightly accented (Spanish) was mumbled. When I
asked Salomon what his
"old friends" name was, he was only able to provide her stage name as
she was a stripper.
The deputy arrived
and removed MiMi from the vehicle to get information from her and found out she
had previous charges for prostitution and also had cocaine in her possession.
Salomon then stated, "my license is suspended. "
I removed Salomon
from the car, placed him in handcuffs and secured in cruiser. The mustang was
impounded while Salomon was transported to the station to undergo a CBT, he was
escorted through the process and failed to satisfactory complete FSTs and was
told he was under arrest for DUI. I then escorted him to the intoxilyzer and
began a 20 min. observation period, officer read Salomon his implied consent
which he initially refused to take a breath test by stating he is "not
drunk at all." The results of the breath test were .122/.125 BrAC. Salomon
was issued a citation for DWLS/R and DUI
Case closed,
solved with arrest.....to be continued $6000 in debt later. Saul being
incarcerated for 9 days while Pat and I waited patiently with no food, money,
or support for several week’s. This is the custodial parent of my children,
which is extremely unfortunate.
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