05/14/2015
Even though Saul had no intention of protecting the kids and I. I still tried to appease him and be a good wife.
B:Your lunch is in the microwave.
Jr. and I have an appointment.
Saul: Ok thanks.
05/15/2015
Saul never showed up home again and he had the car. Jr. was running a fever and I was starting to worry.
B:Are you coming home? When?
05/16/2015 12:34am
Saul: I'm ok, papa still buz if not i will take cab home or stay here. The scooter is at my job.
B: Right. I think we need to take Jr. to children's.
Saul: ok right now. All he wants dada.
B: No these bumps are spreading from his mouth out. I think he has mumps.
Saul: What are mumb?
B: Measles
Saul: ok, he will be fine, all need it medicine.
05/18/2015
Well the medicine didn't work.
Saul took Jr. to the hospital with his parent's because now he was beginning to worry, Jr's condition seemed to be getting worse. They set us up with a gastroentologist.
B: babe where are you?
Saul: I'm with my parents at the hospital.
B: Can you stop and get some charcoal or a few of those things from the $1 store. I would like to grill some food for dinner tonight.
Today Saul decided to stay at his parent's with Jr., Pat stayed over his friends house, and I was all alone. Tonight I decided to go for a ride on the scooter to clear my head. It was a beautiful night so I went to the park down the street to stare up at the full moon. I prayed upon the moon and thought of poor primo locked up in that cell. I felt his aura around me and telepathically talked to him in my mind.
For a moment I felt his presence and heard him talking back. It was genuine and sweet. I explained to him what was happening in my life and how alone I felt by being with his brother. I wished that he be there beside me, chillin with me again, and I wished he was my man. Tears started to fall onto my cheeks all of a sudden I felt him loving and soothing me. Then I got nervous about this energy because I have never experienced it before. It was really strange.
I jumped on my scooter and rode home. Then all of a sudden I felt a butterfly feeling in my heart and then a sexual urge ran down through my stomach and in between my legs that was so intense that I had to pull over to get my bearings again. I was like, "What in the world was that? Is that you Primo? Are you here now? This is crazy, but I kind of liked it. I love you." Then I thought to myself could this be true love? This doesn't make any sense at all.
05/29/2015
Saul: I'm going to the shop with my dad.
B: I'm sitting at home alone once again.
Saul: on my way home babe.
B: Sure.......whatever. Don't bother if you're wasted. I can pick you up.
Saul: no i m not wasted.
B: what happened? poor daddy. Are you going to be ok to drive?
Saul:Yea i just gave him a massage he is sleeping tight. No punieta.
That night Saul did make it home and he was in the mood to have sex. The whole time I closed my eyes and pretended I was making love to Primo and it was amazing. After we were done Saul looked deeply into my eyes and told me, "Wow babe I was really feeling you tonight. What got into you?" I was confused but I knew what it was. In my mind I was making love to the wrong man and I felt terrible about lying to him but I told him, "I have no idea."
Although I did have an idea I just didn't know exactly how to explain it to myself, let alone to anybody else. I had a whole night and day to think about it. I thought long and hard about how many years I have been having these feelings for Primo and how this has come about. I had to be honest with myself and come to the realization that I have loved him at first sight but have subdued these feelings for 11 long years.
I had fooled both him and myself, making him believe that I was against him so it would push him away because I was afraid of loving him. I knew he was afraid to love me back too because when I professed my love to him before I married Saul he told me he didn't love me, and that is why I married Saul. Primo said he didn't have love for me and I needed to get over him. After, all of his actions proved to me that it was not true. I tried dispising him so I wouldn't fall in love with him, but the more I pushed the harder it became. No matter how hard I tried to fight it the more inevitable it caught up to me that there was no use in fighting anymore. The heart has to have what it wants. Who am I to stand in the way of true love?
I drove to church to pray about it. I prayed for an answer to this conundrum. My prayers always get answered and not always in the way I want, but GOD tends to give me what I need. Then I recalled around Christmas time when Saul attacked us. I asked father GOD for an answer then. Could this be the answer now Lord? Did I marry the wrong brother? Maybe I should have given Primo more time to follow his heart.
I know it is not fair to Saul. If we are not making eachother happy why stay together? So many times we have had this conversation and realized that we were in a relationship of complacency. It wasn't fair to either of us. He always told me that if I no longer wanted to be with him to just tell him and then we could seperate as friends, on good terms for the kids sake. Maybe now was the time to do just that. Yet every time I tried that he would just come crawling back and I would take him in, but now I had many more reasons to keep away from him.
One, he was becoming a threat to my children and I. Two, he was financially draining. Three, he has cheated and lied to me on a numerous of occasions which has proven that he doesn't have love for me. Four, he is not willing to protect and defend the kids and I above all else. Five, last but not least my heart was beginning to belong to another. That was my answer, thank you father now I know what I have to do, to be honest with Saul. He deserves to follow his heart and find his true love too. Who am I to stand in the way of true love? I've been longing for 11 years, it was time to go for it and embrace it.
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