Take Away The Pain (Revolution Lyrics)

November 28, 2015

Take Away the Pain 

(Revolution Lyrics)

By B'onnie

Take it away

Take away the pain

Take away the sorrow

Don't worry about tomorrow. 

Hell is in time

Time to forget the change

That everything is coming 

To an end

Hopeless in vain
that everything has fallen.
To lose yourself
In despite of the game.

Take it away
Take away the pain
To losing yourself
In the process.

But now, I am falling asleep

Now I'm losing my grip.

It is time to

Relinquish this pain

To avoid the fall
Into an abyss.

Take it away 

Take away the pain

Hold it close 

And suck it dry

Hold onto life,
And hold onto tomorrow.
If not your sure to fall in a grave.

My heart is pain

It is aching from the 

Hurtful one's 

They have ripped my children 

From me.

This caused a rift in our lives
Now I need to love them,

But they are trapped

By him

And they are torn

To him

And they are tainted 

By him.

HOMELESSNESS (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by B' onnie

September 2015

HOMELESSNESS  - by, B' onnie

Homelessness 
Is mother nature's bliss
People take eachother for granted 
But when their gone
They will be greatly missed
Peace on Earth is such a fallacy

Pardon me
I struggle to get my need's 
Lack of nurturing love 
Is why I am here you see.

People think I'm gone
And wish I leave
But I will never give up 
On my love for me.

When I think I don't belong
I see the innocence of my son's.
Although they are near 
I cannot feel his hair,
Or help him out of his highchair.

I cannot sing, dance, or have fun
With my little baby son's!

It breaks my heart 
When people play these games
And ruin innocent children's lives
So they can get their way.

I'm sorry.....
The only thing or crime that I've done
Is loved the wrong man..

Son......

Chapter 51: Family Conspiracy- Second Month

July 2015

B came to find out that Saul was still seeing his mistress (Emma) that he had been cheating on B with back in 2012. This was no surprise, once a cheater always a cheater. Saul didn't waste no time moving on and shacking up with Emma either.

B thought, (Did he even have a mourning period? Maybe for like two week's.)

Saul said,
 "That marriage was a joke!"

What B really thought was that, (Saul as a person was a joke. No one should ever take him seriously for he was a big fucking shit talker and I am so glad I am over him. Emma you think I am jelous because you have my ex husband? LOL, keep him. I could care less. You did me a big favor. I am just livid because you stole my kid's and tried to turn them against me.)

Like B said to Emma when she first met her,
"Good luck with that."

Emma asked B,
"What do you mean?"

B never did give Emma an answer, turned around, and walked away.

B thought
(She has to know by now what I meant. I mean it has already been two year's since she has been dealing with Saul's stupid ass. Now she is pregnant by him. Really? There is no way Saul has not shown her his true colors by now. All the lies and cover ups have to be eating away at her conscience.)

B text to Emma:

It sucks to have to neglect everything you stand for. Breaking your own pact against Rick Scotts vulnerable person's act. Emma, let's not ever forget the role that you played in this conspiracy. Even though you convinced a two year old to call you mommy and brainwashed my kid's into believing I am a dead beat mom. You will NEVER be their mother and my children know how irreplaceable and great I am. I hope Post Partum Depression gets you good this time around and hopefully my kid's will never have to be exposed to your crazy bitch ass again.

B wanted to spend the 4th of July with her kid's. She went to go pick them up at Saul's parents house. He was reluctant to let the babies go with B.

B asked him,
"What is the big deal? I have been working hard and want to spend time with my kid's."

Saul said,
"Pat doesn't want to go with you, he wants to stay here and light off fire works."

B replied,
"He can light some off with me."

Saul said, "I don't think so, I need to discuss this more with Pat, come back later."

B was extremely hurt and confused. She headed to Bellair beach to gain some clarity.
B thought,
(What kind of fucking games is Saul playing now? It is as if he is turning on me. He promised he would never do this, we made a pact to not keep the children from eachother. Now it looks as though he is trying to block everything and everyone from me. This is just the opposite of what he promised, to let bygones be bygones. What a fucking liar he is. I thought we meant more to eachother.

What a fool I was to believe I could make us and being seperated and remaining a family work. Saul never had any intentions of cooperating for the children's sake. He just set out to punish me by withholding my babies. That evil son of a bitch doesn't deserve to be the father of any children especially my own. He is an abuser. If your not with me, then that must mean your against me. Why did I have to be optimistic? I should have left before it was too late. Now it has been two torturous years not knowing if my kid's are safe.)

B looked out into the ocean and she wept. She prayed to Jesus for an answer. This warm energy came over her to confide in her friends and family. She was desperate for an answer to her prayers. She called Aunt Trudy.

Aunt Trudy: "Go back. Get your kid's and bring them to my house."

 B went back to knock on that door and finish this discussion and she wasn't going to take no for an answer because she was their mother. B was so glad she did. B had her aunt on the phone as a witness in case Saul wanted to get nasty about it. Eventually Saul caved and let them kid's go with their mother that day. If B known then what she know now, she would have kept driving. She had the rights to protect them boy's.

B said,
" I didn't think THEY were gonna hurt us. They being Saul, Missy, Emma, Primo, Mama, and Papa.

Pat and Jr were so happy to be with me. I am so thankful for this precious moment with my babies. It was one of the last great memories I have left from 2015. Since then I have feared that it will be my only one left. It kill's me that two years have just been stolen from us.

My Aunt Trudy was a blessing that day. She welcomed us with open arms. I was not aware that it was her birthday too. Our gaurdian angels were drawing us close together. We jumped into her pool and I watched my children smile and be happy. Jr. was even swimming. He learned to swim! I was so proud. So much was happening in his life without me. Pat was squirting us with the noodle and my Aunt Trudy was taking beautiful picture's the whole time.

After the pool my Aunt took us to a party in her honor. We sat around the table and singing her Happy Birthday as she blew out her candles. The boys had such a great time playing monkey pile with the other boy's at the party. I wish I could have enjoyed it with them but I was so exhausted from all the crying and worrying I had done earlier I passed out. This was all too much for me. I was having a hard time fighting back and didn't have the energy in me to handle this. I was drained.

The following day my Aunt Trudy and I had a heart to heart. We discussed my situation and I was not aware that her and I shared a similar story, except she had her husband stolen out from underneath her by her sister. She did not agree with what I had done, and had a conflict of interest in helping me.

That was the last day that B saw her Aunt Trudy. Even her own blood were turning their backs and B was all alone without a friend in the world.
B thought, (How will I ever get through this?)

B say's:
"Scars remind us of where we been, they don't have to dictate where we are going."

Chapter 46- Happy Birthday B!

06/13/2015

I can't say I didn't try to get a hold of Primo for weeks because I did,  but at some point I lost hope.

I gave up and said to myself if it is meant to be, and he is really my twin flame then it will be. He will somehow find his way back to me.

Another soul mate was catching my attention through Facebook just in the nick of time. It was destiny. An old friend from grade school. You know the one? The boy that was always getting sent to the principles office. I was always too shy to approach him back then. Do you believe that? Me? Shy?

His name was Zane and he hit me up right before my birthday for a date and I was relieved that I didn't have to spend it alone like I was going to.

I had a job interview which turned out good and I started to get ready for my date. I wasn't really sure how I should dress, but it was Florida so I could get away with something hot. I put on some high heeled strappy shoes and brought my flip flops just in case. I wore my pink halter top with my black sailor pants. Threw my hair up in a french twist and applied some makeup just in time for the bell to ring.

Who to my wondering eyes should appear, but somebody I haven't seen in over 20 years.

He had his shades on, and he was tall, dirty blonde. He was wearing boots with jeans and t- shirt. Still cute like I recall. I welcomed him in my home and offered him a drink. Zane declined and we exited. We decided to go to first night in downtown St. Pete. On the first Friday night of every month St. Petersburg shuts traffic down around the blocks where all the clubs are at so customer's can party safely.

As I stepped into my driveway I saw what Zane arrived in, but none other than a Harley Davidson.  Wow! No friggin way! This is my ultimate dream come true. Sportin a Hot ride, to a Hot spot, with a Hot guy, on my fucking Birthday, how fucking cool is this? Pinch me because I know I got to be fucking dreaming.

I just want to say thank you Zane from the bottom of my heart for making one of my dreams come true and I only wish I could have made one of those dreams a reality for you too, from the bottom of my heart it's true. Just between the two of us. We will always have this night to remember.

Like I said that night was a dream, from the two of us arriving at Applebee's and getting our picture snapped by random stranger's. To you opening the door and treating me like a lady the whole night, and catering to grabbing my shoes when I could no longer sport my heels. You were a complete gentlemen that night, and I am glad I met you Zane.

Thank you for coming into my life just in the nick of time, because I believed you may have saved it.

Chapter 44- Inspirational Creativity (just scroll all the way down to read. Editing is being a bitch)

Bea became inspired to write again and to create lyrics. She had the urge to branch out and collaborate with other musicians to blend these lyrics with others music. Bea started blending her lyrics over other musician's tracks on soundcloud and discovered her creative collaborative expression and this felt liberating. 

Bea then began to question herself. Whatever happened to my dream of becoming a singer?

Bea prayed about it and GOD answered her by calling her back in and showing me that it is never too late. Bea realized then that what she needed was to move forward and embrace her gift to transcend a very important message that needed to be heard. 

Lyrics and melody's started coming out of nowhere. She would be in the shower and a song would come to her. She had to jump out of the shower and write it down before she forgot it, until Bea realized that she could use her voice recorder to catch the lyrics. It was like she was encompassing a spiritual awakening, and she desired to share it with the world. How? Was the question.  

Bea started branching out and meeting other musicians in the community. One gentleman, Clyde, she met on first Friday in St. Petersburg. He was already becoming a prominent musician there. Bea decided to call him and get together to see if she still had the spark to perform.

She first set out on her journey to a hot spot called Mad Hatters Ethnobotanical Tea Bar, which was the first kava and karaton bar she had ever encountered. That place has an amazing staff and very inviting atmosphere. She got a hooka and found the expertise of the staff helpful and highly recommend for anyone first trying kava. They made it a very chill experience. 

As she sat enjoying the ambiance and the hooka that was purchased, a young gentleman approached her. I don't recall his name, but he shared with her his gift of musical expression as well, and Bea asked him if he wanted to perform with her tonight. He agreed and we learned a song by Deelite, Grove Is In The Heart.

She sent a text message to Clyde... 

B: What club you at again?

Clyde: Heading to ringside right now, 2nd and central.

Bea told her friend and they both jumped on the scooter and headed downtown. They both sat at the bar and Bea shot Clyde another text.

B: I'm here now

Clyde : Where are you? Haha..I'm sitting out front, didn't see you inside. I guess text me when you're really there lol...

Bea  looked around and didn't see him.  Bea thought to herself.... is this a joke? Well I will step outside and scope it out. 

Bea didn't see Clyde and sent him another text.

B: Im outside. Where r you?

Finally Clyde walked into the bar and Bea reconnected with him. He told me her his band was not able to play the song she selected and Bea kind of felt bad that she had dragged this boy here to help her sing it. 

Then Clyde pulled her over to the side and asked her; "What is he doing here?" She told him; "Well he is going to sing the song with me." Clyde retorted, "You don't want to be hanging around that kind of riff raff it will present a bad image." I respected his opinion, but it did sound kind of prejudice of him.

Bea stepped on his stage and sang Me And Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin and then Clyde asked her if she can sing anything else. Bea rambled off a bunch of other songs she knew and he picked a song by George Michael, Faith. 

Bea felt very comfortable and in her element on that stage. It finally seemed as if she found her calling. The only question now was, who is going to be my band? Clyde had already developed his own band so in actuality he was  Bea's competition and after hearing her sing I believe he began to realize that as well, but he did give Bea some pertinent advice. Clyde told Bea, "B, you need to take the time to get to know your own sound and music. Put on your headphones and play it over and over until you feel what your singing, and believe the message your willing to portray."

After Bea left the ringside and drove my friend back home Bea kept thinking about the advice Clyde gave her  and she acknowledged his theory to be genuine and true. That is exactly what Bea did and she followed up with a text message to thank him.

B: Hey Clyde, I just wanted to say Thank you very much for inviting me to your gig last night. Not many musicians allow that especially lead singers in bands. I really appreciate it, I do. I really needed an outlet and it felt awesome. I feel like my old self again. I should start working on some creative songs of my own. Anytime you make an appearance please text me and I'll try to make It.             Thanks again                     B

Bea's experience was very genuine. Her creative music venture blossomed from there

Bea was so inspired and feeling all her emotions intensely. All her happiness, sadness excitement, triump, courage, and strength. She had a vision of her old dreams submerging to the surface. 

Bea became inspired to write again and to create lyrics. She had the urge to branch out and collaborate with other musicians to blend these lyrics with others music. Bea started blending her lyrics over other musician's tracks on soundcloud and discovered her creative collaborative expression and this felt liberating. 

Bea then began to question herself. Whatever happened to my dream of becoming a singer?

Bea prayed about it and GOD answered her by calling her back in and showing me that it is never too late. Bea realized then that what she needed was to move forward and embrace her gift to transcend a very important message that needed to be heard. 

Lyrics and melody's started coming out of nowhere. She would be in the shower and a song would come to her. She had to jump out of the shower and write it down before she forgot it, until Bea realized that she could use her voice recorder to catch the lyrics. It was like she was encompassing a spiritual awakening, and she desired to share it with the world. How? Was the question.  

Bea started branching out and meeting other musicians in the community. One gentleman, Clyde, she met on first Friday in St. Petersburg. He was already becoming a prominent musician there. Bea decided to call him and get together to see if she still had the spark to perform.

She first set out on her journey to a hot spot called Mad Hatters Ethnobotanical Tea Bar, which was the first kava and karaton bar she had ever encountered. That place has an amazing staff and very inviting atmosphere. She got a hooka and found the expertise of the staff helpful and highly recommend for anyone first trying kava. They made it a very chill experience. 

As she sat enjoying the ambiance and the hooka that was purchased, a young gentleman approached her. I don't recall his name, but he shared with her his gift of musical expression as well, and Bea asked him if he wanted to perform with her tonight. He agreed and we learned a song by Deelite, Grove Is In The Heart.

She sent a text message to Clyde... 

B: What club you at again?

Clyde: Heading to ringside right now, 2nd and central.

Bea told her friend and they both jumped on the scooter and headed downtown. They both sat at the bar and Bea shot Clyde another text.

B: I'm here now

Clyde : Where are you? Haha..I'm sitting out front, didn't see you inside. I guess text me when you're really there lol...

Bea  looked around and didn't see him.  Bea thought to herself.... is this a joke? Well I will step outside and scope it out. 

Bea didn't see Clyde and sent him another text.

B: Im outside. Where r you?

Finally Clyde walked into the bar and Bea reconnected with him. He told me her his band was not able to play the song she selected and Bea kind of felt bad that she had dragged this boy here to help her sing it. 

Then Clyde pulled her over to the side and asked her; "What is he doing here?" She told him; "Well he is going to sing the song with me." Clyde retorted, "You don't want to be hanging around that kind of riff raff it will present a bad image." I respected his opinion, but it did sound kind of prejudice of him.

Bea stepped on his stage and sang Me And Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin and then Clyde asked her if she can sing anything else. Bea rambled off a bunch of other songs she knew and he picked a song by George Michael, Faith. 

Bea felt very comfortable and in her element on that stage. It finally seemed as if she found her calling. The only question now was, who is going to be my band? Clyde had already developed his own band so in actuality he was  Bea's competition and after hearing her sing I believe he began to realize that as well, but he did give Bea some pertinent advice. Clyde told Bea, "B, you need to take the time to get to know your own sound and music. Put on your headphones and play it over and over until you feel what your singing, and believe the message your willing to portray."

After Bea left the ringside and drove my friend back home Bea kept thinking about the advice Clyde gave her  and she acknowledged his theory to be genuine and true. That is exactly what Bea did and she followed up with a text message to thank him.

B: Hey Clyde, I just wanted to say Thank you very much for inviting me to your gig last night. Not many musicians allow that especially lead singers in bands. I really appreciate it, I do. I really needed an outlet and it felt awesome. I feel like my old self again. I should start working on some creative songs of my own. Anytime you make an appearance please text me and I'll try to make It.             Thanks again                     B

Bea's experience was very genuine. Her creative music venture blossomed from there

DREAM (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by B' onnie

July 2015

DREAM - by, B' onnie

This is my dream
and I'm going to go for it.
With or without you.
Your not holding me back.
I had enough of that crap.
I wish I could fly
And touch the clouds in the sky.

(Dream)

Be calm and be true
And you can make it through
All those hurdles and bumps
Turn to yourself
Don't look to nobody else
It's one of those things
We all have to go through
To find out what makes you
You.

(Dream)

TALK TO ME (Revolution Song & Lyrics) By; B onnie

June 2015

TALK TO ME 

(Revolution Song & Lyrics)

By; B'onnie

Now you had to go away
I understand that time has
Put us at bay
I promise you this
I'll never give up on you
Sending letters sealed with a 💋
To give you hope that I'm still here when the day finally appeared I waited for you all morning my dear
But then our father picked you up and it was important that I talked to you and divulged all this stuff.

Why don't you talk to me?
Please hold me in your arms
Please baby talk to me
I know that we can be somehow
Just talk to me.

When I finally had the chance
You took me for that ride and fulfilled all of my dreams
I didn't know it at the time
But people who were complex came between us
You see it happens all the time
Everyone was confused
Because we were in denial
That we were in cahoots
Your parents did declare
That they didn't want me
near you
And that made us very sad

Why don't you talk to me?
Didn't we make a connection?
Why don't you talk to me
I can't handle your rejection
Just talk to me!

I'm crying on the telephone
And now my gut is wrentching
Like torture
And I am crawling on the floor
I feel lonely and confused
That knowing I had been used
To face the truth once more
It could have been our little girl
That I always wanted with you Papi
Mi Amor

Why don't you talk to me?
My body is sprawled upon the ground.
Why don't you talk to me?
I am now dancing like a clown.

Just talk to me !!! 

Chapter 41- The Truth Comes Out

05/29/2015

I told Saul the truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me GOD. I told him how I had fallen in love with Primo. 

Saul said, "Primo won't ever love you. He doesn't even have a heart. He doesn't even know how to love himself." 

Saul was just trying to deter me from following my heart. I knew deep down Primo had a big heart and I know he loved himself more than he probably should. Whether he was capable of loving me, well I was determined to find out the truth. I was free to just being me. I felt so good for once, like I was finally living my life to its true potential. I was so happy that I was floating on cloud 9, and Primo was being released from jail in 3 more days, and I couldn't wait to tell him in person how I really felt.

06/03/2015

I crawled out of bed and I left that morning knowing that Primo was going to be released from jail in just a few hours. I couldn't sleep anyway because I was feeling anxious. I just wanted to see him really and give him a huge hug. I still wasn't really sure about telling him how much I loved him, but I figuered that would come out in due time. It was 5am and I was hoping he would get out before 7am when the kids got ready for school, but Primo didn't. Later that day I found out that his father picked him up.

I hurried to get the boys off to school and then rushed home to get all dressed up for Primo to see me. He answered the door and I believe he likey. I was wearing my silk dress and white heels with the gold trim. He seemed to be tired so he layed back down on the couch. I had absolutely no inhibitions any longer for now I was a free woman. I layed right on top of him and I told him that I missed him. He held me and I know this caught him off gaurd a bit. He finally had a chance to smell  me and feel my body once again. Primo started to get a hard on. Then I smelled him and he did not smell very good so I told him, 

B: "Primo you stink. Go wash your ass and lets get out of here and go shopping." 

He jumped up got all excited and went in the shower. I followed him and kept talking to him as he took a shower. I asked him, 

B: "Did you get my letters?" 

Primo stated he did and said,

Primo: "Yeah B, what was that all about?" 

Then I mentioned,

B: "I was bored and I really really missed you. Why didn't you write back?" 

Primo said, "B I can't write, but I can draw. I'll show you as soon as I get out." 

As he said that I dropped my dress down to the floor and told him that, 

B: "I've been working out just for you. How do I look babe, I dropped 20 lbs?"

Then I opened the shower curtain to see his body all wet, soapy, and dripping from his biceps. He was so totally hot and showing me a nice view of his cute little buns. I twirled around so he could get a good view of my bum as well. Then I got back to being dressed allowing him to finish up his shower and stew for a few minutes about what he just saw. It didn't take him long. When he walked out he instantly made me a proposition saying,

Primo: "I will fuck you if you buy me a phone. " I retorded, 

B:"No thank you, you would fuck me either way you dog!" 

He was trying really hard to be convincing by telling me, 

Primo: "No really B let's go. Right here, right now." 

I said,

B: "Really dude? On your parents bed. No way!" 

Then I changed the subject. Now looking back I should have went for it, but I didn't want to seem too easy. I like teasing and being chased.

I filled Primo in on a new business proposition that I had for him. I wanted to go all in with just him 50/50. I started a website platform called Boston Auto Detailing and spent $100 on the flyers. I was starting to network and make connections. Unfortunately, all that time, money, and patience was wasted because we never got it up and running.

Then we went food shopping. I could tell he was undressing me with his eyes and I told him to get whatever he wanted. Mistakenly another customer thought we were a couple and he called me babe. I had an instant flashback of when we were together before and I had to run around looking for a bathroom because I was pregnant. It was almost like we were picking up right where we had left off. As we approached the checkout counter he noticed my card. He was like, 

Primo: "B what's that?" 

It had his last name on it. I told him, 

B: "Food stamp's." 

It must have all of a sudden dawned on him that my last name was Sanchez because I was still married to his brother and that I had no money, but only food stamps. Which was true for I spent my last dollar paying off his lawyer and stocking up his canteen in jail.

There was a possibility that he had been contemplating about me getting divorced, but in my mind I was thinking what the fuck is the point if I am just going to turn around and be with him? At least then I can still carry his name and we won't even have to get married and it would be an easy fix just change the first name on the marriage certificate we won't even have to pay a dime if we wish. Too funny, but true.

Then after we got back to the house who shows up walking through the door but Saul. Saul start's to bitch me out, 

Saul: "What are you doing here?" 

I said, 

B: "What does it look like? I'm seeing Primo." As I said that Primo stood up and walked into the other room. 

Saul said, "Well this is my parents house and your not allowed to be here. My brother should not have let you in." 

I told Saul, 

B: "Why because you say so? Well he did because he is his own man and makes his own decisions and is not an asshole like you. It is a free country mano. I don't know who the hell you think you are. Right Primo?" 

Primo stated, "I am out of this B." 

I said, B: "No, no, no, no, no you my friend are very much a part of this I think it is about time we all sit down and discussed exactly what we all should have said a long time ago."

Primo changed the subject by showing off his drawings. The first drawing I saw was of me, but he quickly covered it up so Saul didn't see it. I briefly caught a glimpse of it remembering a photo of me that I sent him in jail. I was really glad he used me as one of his muises, that was really sweet and made me feel super special. I wish I could have looked at it a little bit longer, but I understood what he was trying to do.

Primo then asked, "What is going on between you two?" 

I answered, 

B: "I broke it off with your brother a few days ago." 

Primo said, "What , but why?" 

Saul retorded, "What, you haven't heard yet? She is in love with you mano." 

I mumbled, 

B: "Just terrific! This is not exactly the way I intended to tell him."

B pushed, "Please, spare me. Let's not beat around the bush like the both of you didn't know. Enough with the games, you have both been playing me for a very long time let's put all the cards on the table like the grown adults we are for everyone to see. I am sick of lying to myself and everyone else. Let's stop sneaking around and be honest with eachother." 

Then B directed her attention towards Saul, 

B: "Saul I never meant to hurt you, but you know that it is no surprise that I have slept with your brother. First of all you knew about it from the beginning  11 years ago  and acted like you forgave me, then threw it in my face every second you had a chance." 

Then she directed her attention to Primo 

B: "Primo you picked up the brunt of making me happy where your brother was lacking it was like having the best of both worlds. If I could put you both into one body you would be the perfect man for me."

Then Saul started fucking around with our heads saying, 

Saul: "OK what do you want? You want the both of us? You want to have a threesome?" 

I was like, 

B:"Serious Saul? Nevermind, I need a drink I'm outta here." I looked over to Primo and said, "Are you coming?" 

Of course Saul had to add himself to the equation which made it virtually impossible to get Primo to myself. Then I asked the question, 

B: "Babe?" 

and they both answered. 

Shit! 

All of a sudden it dawned on me that I have to give Primo his very own nickname. I thought about it and named him babycakes because I love him like a fat kid loves cake. I also want my cake and ice cream, and I like to get to eat it too. Oh no, what did I get myself into? Well it is too late now. What's done is done and there is no turning back.

This I am regrettfully telling you now was the biggest mistake of my life getting involved with two brothers at the same time. My karmic debt has been paid. It's over. 

LET HIM GO. (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by B' onnie

May 2015

 

LET HIM GO

Let him go, let him go

It is time to let him go

It is evident he don't need you

Or want you so

You need to 

Let him go

He broke your heart

So ease your pain

And relinquish 

Thoughts in your brain

You don't have to wallow in pain

Sometimes life may seem so mundane

So take your time 

And let him go

You tell yourself

That he'll be there

But in fact he really don't care

What did I do

For you to hate me so?

Other than loving you

So let him

Go.

Feel free to listen to this song with instrumentals behind it on SoundCloud.com- Boston B'onnie Audette. Thanx 4 listening n caring. This song goes out to my soon to be 

x-husband that proves 2 me day by day that he never really gave a shit about me to begin with, so why should I even care so much? I guess I was the better person in the relationship since I showed a lot more compassion then most people would have. 

Chapter 40- Finally Being Honest With Myself

05/14/2015

Even though Saul had no intention of protecting the kids and I. I still tried to appease him and be a good wife.

B:Your lunch is in the microwave.
 Jr. and I have an appointment.

Saul: Ok thanks.

05/15/2015

Saul never showed up home again and he had the car. Jr. was running a fever and I was starting to worry.

B:Are you coming home? When?

05/16/2015 12:34am

Saul: I'm ok, papa still buz if not i will take cab home or stay here. The scooter is at my job.

B: Right. I think we need to take Jr. to children's.

Saul: ok right now. All he wants dada.

B: No these bumps are spreading from his mouth out. I think he has mumps.

Saul: What are mumb?

B: Measles

Saul: ok, he will be fine, all need it medicine.

05/18/2015
Well the medicine didn't work.
Saul took Jr. to the hospital with his parent's because now he was beginning to worry, Jr's condition seemed to be getting worse. They set us up with a gastroentologist.

B: babe where are you?

Saul: I'm with my parents at the hospital.

B: Can you stop and get some charcoal or a few of those things from the $1 store. I would like to grill some food for dinner tonight.

Today Saul decided to stay at his parent's with Jr., Pat stayed over his friends house, and I was all alone. Tonight I decided to go for a ride on the scooter to clear my head. It was a beautiful night so I went to the park down the street to stare up at the full moon. I prayed upon the moon and thought of poor primo locked up in that cell. I felt his aura around me and telepathically talked to him in my mind.

For a moment I felt his presence and heard him talking back. It was genuine and sweet. I explained to him what was happening in my life and how alone I felt by being with his brother. I wished that he be there beside me, chillin with me again, and I wished he was my man. Tears started to fall onto my cheeks all of a sudden I felt him loving and soothing me. Then I got nervous about this energy because I have never experienced it before. It was really strange.

I jumped on my scooter and rode home. Then all of a sudden I felt a butterfly feeling in my heart and then a sexual urge ran down through my stomach and in between my legs that was so intense that I had to pull over to get my bearings again. I was like, "What in the world was that? Is that you Primo? Are you here now? This is crazy, but I kind of liked it. I love you." Then I thought to myself could this be true love? This doesn't make any sense at all.

05/29/2015

Saul: I'm going to the shop with my dad.

B: I'm sitting at home alone once again.

Saul: on my way home babe.

B: Sure.......whatever. Don't bother if you're wasted. I can pick you up.

Saul: no i m not wasted.

B: what happened? poor daddy. Are you going to be ok to drive?

Saul:Yea i just gave him a massage he is sleeping tight. No punieta.

That night Saul did make it home and he was in the mood to have sex. The whole time I closed my eyes and pretended I was making love to Primo and it was amazing. After we were done Saul looked deeply into my eyes and told me, "Wow babe I was really feeling you tonight. What got into you?" I was confused but I knew what it was. In my mind I was making love to the wrong man and I felt terrible about lying to him but I told him, "I have no idea."

Although I did have an idea I just didn't know exactly how to explain it to myself, let alone to anybody else. I had a whole night and day to think about it. I thought long and hard about how many years I have been having these feelings for Primo and how this has come about. I had to be honest with myself and come to the realization that I have loved him at first sight but have subdued these feelings for 11 long years.

I had fooled both him and myself, making him believe that I was against him so it would push him away because I was afraid of loving him. I knew he was afraid to love me back too because when I professed my love to him before I married Saul he told me he didn't love me, and that is why I married Saul. Primo said he didn't have love for me and I needed to get over him. After, all of his actions proved to me that it was not true. I tried dispising him so I wouldn't fall in love with him, but the more I pushed the harder it became. No matter how hard I tried to fight it the more inevitable it caught up to me that there was no use in fighting anymore. The heart has to have what it wants. Who am I to stand in the way of true love?

I drove to church to pray about it. I prayed for an answer to this conundrum. My prayers always get answered and not always in the way I want, but GOD tends to give me what I need. Then I recalled around Christmas time when Saul attacked us. I asked father GOD for an answer then. Could this be the answer now Lord? Did I marry the wrong brother? Maybe I should have given Primo more time to follow his heart.

I know it is not fair to Saul. If we are not making eachother happy why stay together? So many times we have had this conversation and realized that we were in a relationship of complacency. It wasn't fair to either of us. He always told me that if I no longer wanted to be with him to just tell him and then we could seperate as friends, on good terms for the kids sake. Maybe now was the time to do just that. Yet every time I tried that he would just come crawling back and I would take him in, but now I had many more reasons to keep away from him.

One, he was becoming a threat to my children and I. Two, he was financially draining. Three, he has cheated and lied to me on a numerous of occasions which has proven that he doesn't have love for me. Four, he is not willing to protect and defend the kids and I above all else. Five, last but not least my heart was beginning to belong to another. That was my answer, thank you father now I know what I have to do, to be honest with Saul. He deserves to follow his heart and find his true love too. Who am I to stand in the way of true love? I've been longing for 11 years, it was time to go for it and embrace it.

Chapter 39- The Boheeva

05/11/2015

Missy was being a bully. Saul would call her the boheeva. She was insistent about us paying her money even though she was not the rightful owner of the house. I really did appreciated her for letting us move in, but had I known what a bully and a tyrant she was beforehand I would have never let my kid's near her. First impressions led me to believe that she was a good person. Saul and I did agree to pay her rent, but we did not sign any legal documents stating that and later come to find out that all of us were squatting in that house so we didn't see the point of paying her rent. Instead Saul fixed the hole in the ceiling. Missy was illegally paying the water bill and my husband was able to get the electric bill in his name and I handled the trash bill.

I wasn't sure what was happening between my husband and I, but I sensed it wasn't good for he was staying out a lot while I waited for him in bed. A few nights Saul and Missy would stay up late talking and it really upset me because I would be waiting in bed fuming that he was having an affair. In fact, I was beginning not to even care anymore because someone else was creeping into my heart and consuming my mind. I really wasn't sure how to make any sense of it, I just came to the conclusion that the heart know's what it wants. It still didn't seem right falling in love with my husbands brother, but it is not like Saul really loved me anymore for his actions were telling me so.

On this day Missy got up in my face. She crossed a boundary with me and started acting as if she was my mother claiming that, "This is my house." 

I told her, "Listen, this is our house and I am a grown woman who can do what she pleases. I don't have to take orders from you." 

At this time I had company. My neighbor and her child were in the backyard with me and Missy was standing in between the sliding glass door. Missy turned around grabbing the wooden chair and throws it at me almost hitting the child in the face aside of me. Luckily, I caught the chair in time and set it down. 

I said, "You crazy bitch! I am out of here."

"let's go over to your house." I said to my neighbor.  

Then Missy states, "Oh no you won't " 

She was trying to hold us up against our will as she stood in between the sliding glass doorway.

Missy was a heavy set woman in her forties it really didn't take too much to topple her over and make her lose her balance. 

I said, "Then I will just have to go through you." 

I nudged her over to the side with my shoulder and she backed up into the table and we left the premises. Then I text messaged Saul to let him know what happened. I told Saul about all the times Missy had flipped out on us, and that the situation was escalating. I also informed him of the borderline abuse that I witnessed between her and our kids and that I felt we should put a restraining order against her.  

Saul took her defense and said, "If it were not for her we wouldn't have a place to live." 

I said, "True, but we need to protect ourselves because she is acting crazy lately." 

So when Saul came home I left him with the kid's and went to my friends house to talk it over with them and get a second opinion about the restraining order. Also to avoid another confrontation with Missy and calm my nerves.

B: Missy has got into your head. She has more to lose than us we are safe. Hear me out.

Saul: Nobody gets in my head I cannot leave the kids behind. You need grow up and stop using that shit.

B: We are around the corner for 10 min. Just give me 10 min.

Saul: No don't ask me again.

B: See why do you want to gang up on me and take her side. I wish we could work out our differences and stay a united front.

Saul: No.

B:This bitch has no idea who she is fucking with. Mrs. Solorzano is rowdy now. She is not fucking with my livelihood.

Saul: ok.

B: We have children. She picked up a chair and tried to hit me with it right next to a child and his mother.

Saul: ok we will but i need to find out is your idea.

B: Just want to hear you out. Get your take on the situation.

Saul: What?

B: Come get me.

Saul: You can come i m in bed.

B: Aren't you going to protect me from the boheeva?
Open the door
Plz

Saul: yup

05/12/2015

That should have been my first clue that one abuser will always back up another abuser. I just thought being my husband and making a vow to protect your wife and family must have meant something to him. Apparently I was wrong. 

I decided to push the restraining order. Saul and I dropped the subject and agreed to disagree. We went about our daily life. Today Jr. was having more health issues. I took him to the ENT for a checkup and he had a double ear infection and needed antibiotics.

B: I just dropped off Liam script they said it will take an hour so I am going home to put Jr. For nap.

Chapter 37- B's Letter To Primo.....

4/15/2015

Letter sent to Primo in jail from B confessing her love to him.

Dear Darling,

Ginza J Balvin.....yo bailar papi.
Good morning my love.

I wish I knew if u were happy or ok. Please reach out to me babe so I can have an idea how my luv is doing. BTW can you please take Izzy to see the new Angry Birds movie when it comes out he really wants to go see it? I appreciate u more than u could ever imagine. Have a blessed day my king.

We need some time alone to explore each others hearts.....I want u to feel how strong my heart beats for you and if I can hear ur heart beating back. Show me u have the courage. I will be soft and gentle with you. I won't say a peep, as long as u promise not to laugh at the wimpering and heavy breathing. I might whisper sweet nothings in your ear, I can find plenty else to do with my mouth other than speak. I am pretty passionate at kissing. I have the whole loft upstairs. That's where I am.  The garage door will b open for u. Park inside. The door will b unlocked. I love you regardless. I always have and I always will, whether or not you care doesn't change my love for you. I'm stuck. So I lie in this bed all alone by myself with just my teddy to keep me company. I wish it were my man that warms my heart instead of this lifeless animal. I'll take whatever I can get for now until I can get the next best thing....nothing compares to u. U will b mine .......I can feel it....u being into me. Honestly, I don't want to own u really. I just wish to b ur one and only, ALWAYS and forever to the depths of our souls....I just need to make love...and create passion when I am with you. I hope u are on your way to me....my heart has been longing.

I feel ur touch in my dreams...can't u feel my heart beat still? I can't let u go...I want you in my life. Your arms are my castle , your heart is the sky. U make me right when I am torn. I need u to finish my thoughts, I am nothing without u, but I am sure that together we are invincible and I want to shut down all the hype with you. I am focusing on peace and tranquility in our world. Although we are wild ones together we can be tamer if u let me take u home and break u in....running with Primo I'm on the prowl.

Please just let me love you. We can go everywhere, do anything, see whatever u want to see, or let it go for tonight. I need some direction . I'm lost without u. It turns me on when u speed in reverse. I luv when u move fast, but honey I think u must have lost ur edge cuz lately u have been hitting the breaks and not making any moves. How come? Has no one told u yet, that anything ur heart desires is impossible? Pinch me for I know this is reality and I am not dreaming. I am very much aware, I am in the same state as u. You never cease to amaze me. I know u still have it in you. Cum babycakes, cum 2 mami. Some love and attention, your time, your thoughts, your touch, your taste. Just share with me everything there is to know about you and what it is that fascinates u about me. Can we be into eachother just once?  Can u just let down your fortress that you have built around you and just let me dwell in there for a minute so I can breathe, cuz right about now I feel like I am drowning.

I know you don't trust me for the way we started our journey was all off. I know we were meant 4 eachother. I know I need you and I believe you need me too. Your brother says that you could never love me because you don't have a heart. You can't even love yourself. Do you think what he says is true?

Deep in my heart I know he is wrong. You just have a hard time believing in yourself. Lately I have been feeling that way myself. I have been so depressed and in limbo for years now. I KNOW you have too. Why do you think that is? Perhaps we can start out with a clean slate.

I don't think I can be your sister or friend anymore, that is probably what you want anyway. I know all this sounds so crazy. Believe me I have tried to analyze over and over and all I can come up with is that love makes people do and say the crazziest things sometimes because you want to be in control of the situation so bad, but it is really up to the other person when the ball is in the others court, and I am dying inside because you are not writing me back. Please I need some answers from you.

I hate to say it, but it is time that we both rise above our past. I need to develop my forgettery and stop being melancholy and develop a new way of pushing toward our future together. If we r ever to move forward we need to forgive one another and move forward.

I forgive you Primo. Yes you have hurt me in the past many times, but I am pretty sure it was unintentionally because u didn't understand my deep feelings for you. Now that everything is out in the open I am aware u have spared my feeling's in so many circumstances for you are aware of how sensitive I am especially concerning what you think about me. That right there has to show you how gaurded you are towards me. You have always tried to protect me. That's why I love you and need u in my life, to guide me and keep me safe and out of trouble. Just look at the mess I have made since u have been gone. I am a hot mess.

I would like to start over with a clean slate as if we are meeting for the first time. I no longer know the old you and you don't know me. I am no longer going to give u clues or answers cuz u already know how I feel. I am just going to wait and see what you do now. No calls, no surprise visits, or letters. Just temperance and patience until u decide for yourself what your heart needs. That's really all I can do for I have proved to you what my heart has in store for you. Our journey has not begun as of yet you have been distant like a shooting star. I have been playful like a clown. Niether of us has taken the initiative to commit because honestly papi, I want this to be my happily ever after for the long haul. A soul searching love with depth and substance. No more game's or disappointments. Just faithfully devoted loyalty, trust, and commitment. I will wait however long I have to wait till we feel we are both prepared and ready. I don't want to put label's on our partnership but appreciate you for being the man in my life who appreciates who I am and how I care for us, the Lord, our home, and our family.

Now I am alone praying that you have listened to my pleas for love. I will still love u from afar, and miss you every day you will just not know about it anymore. Just seek me out and find me. Your going to have to courtship me though. Win me over because I am not going to know you the next time we meet. CLEAN SLATE.

Chapter 34- A Not So Merry X-Mas

12-15-2014

At this point in time we decided to move in with Missy due to health issues in our last apartment and rental problems. Missy and Saul were having arguments as well, but as long as he gave her money she seemed to get over it. Missy was all about her money. She liked to be up in the middle of our relationship too, which I did not like. Ever since that time I ended up in the hospital it seemed like Missy and Saul had a secret agenda behind my back. Now I feel like I know exactly what that agenda was. I always thought they were having an affair, but I didn't care. I didn't care about Saul’s affairs anymore. I had fallen out of love with him.

The holidays were approaching so that meant Saul was starting to drink more often. There was this night in particular right before Christmas Saul came home from work early already intoxicated. I asked him if he lost his job. He just boasted that they had a party at work and everybody got to go home early. He was being a jerk about me questioning him. I told him, "listen I am your wife, don't you think I have a right to know?" Saul was quite a spit fire, in a fit he ended up putting a hole in the wall.

I walked away from him to deescalate the situation and he follows me. The baby begins to cry because of all the yelling and Saul picks up my two year old baby by the head of his hair. My poor baby lets out a blood curdling scream which I can hear throughout my nightmares. My baby is scared of his father. 

I snap and attack my husband to defend my baby, 

"Put him down, he is just a baby, you’re hurting him." 

Saul pushes me back against the bunk bed and starts pounding me in the head with his fists. I do my best to protect myself by clawing my nails into him, but I am not a man I have no control. My oldest son jumps on Saul to try and protect me as my son is thrown into the dresser breaking it. That's when Saul stopped and saw the destruction he caused. It was like history repeating itself and he doesn't even know what is happening. That's when I knew we have to get out of here.

I scooped up my crying baby in my arms as he was clinging tightly to my chest I was telling him, 

"Shhhh…..Its ok baby, mommy is going to get us out of here." 

I didn't think twice about grabbing a thing, not even shoes. I just wanted to remove my child from any danger so I stepped outside while the pavement was cold and wet I was barefoot. The rain was trickling down as I fastened my baby in his car seat and I entered my vehicle, finally a moment of silence. I started to think, what do I need? That way I zone in and get what I need as to avoid him then get out. The baby needs a bottle, blanket, so he is comfortable and first I need to check on my other son to make sure he is ok, my phone, my purse, and my keys.

I go in and see that he is talking with my son so I take this quick opportunity to grab all the things I need. First the bottle, blanket, and go back out to the car. The baby is ok I give him the bottle and blanket. Then I check my purse. Where is my phone and keys? He took them. That bastard is keeping us against our will. Where is the key? I didn't want to jump to conclusions but I know I had them both in my purse. I had to go back in to find them.

As I went back in I had a good look around the whole house. I tore the place apart and all of a sudden an anxiety attack started to set in. I confronted Saul and he had Pat in his arms acting like nothing ever happened. 

I asked Pat, "Are you all right baby?" 

Pat shook his head.

I said, "come here."  

I looked him over real quick to make sure he wasn't bleeding, he had a huge bruise on his back, then I told him to go out to the car with his brother. 

I asked Saul, "Where are my keys? I know you hid them give them to me now." 

Saul just pretended like he didn't know what I was talking about and helped me look for them. As we both searched the house he asked me what was wrong and I told him that if he did not find my keys that he was going to be the one leaving once I called the police.

He didn't seem to understand. 

I told him again. "If you don't give me my phone and key's immediately I am kicking you out for good. I can't live like this anymore. You want to take your aggression out on these kids you have another thing coming. Don't you dare even go where they’re? You know what! Just get the fuck out!"

So Saul left, but before he did I found my stuff after he planted it.

12/25/2014

That Christmas was so refreshing. It was the first one that was all about the kid's opening their gifts and having fun. Nobody was drinking or being loud and stupid for once. It was peaceful and cheerful. Everyone was happy. No Saul. Granted I haven't spent the past two Christmas's with my boys but at least the last one I did spend with them I know we will never forget because I made sure that it was extra special just for my boys. No one was going to ruin our Christmas this year my loves, especially not Saul.

Pat wore Oscar the grouch pj's and Jr kept trying to eat the tootsie rolls with the wrappers on. I even had on a pj set. We all did. Jr loved his bike helmet so much he didn't want to take it off. It was a project trying to teach him how to open gifts. He really didn't get it. He was only two years old but it was hilariousness when Pat scared him with the dinosaur he got. We all laughed. Pat is such an awesome older brother. I wonder if Jr still follows him around like he used to? I miss my boys. I don't even know anything about them now thanks to Saul and DCF.

Chapter 33- A loaded barrell in my face

10/27/2014

It had been a while since I had spoken to Primo. I heard he had moved out of his parents place and got his own spot in Largo. I thought I would stop by and pay him a surprise visit. I knocked on the door and resting on top of him watching a movie was a new girl. It never took him long to find comfort, whereas, now I have been single almost two years, and I can't still get him out of my head. Love hurts.

I wouldn't say Primo wasn't courteous. He showed me around, and the following day I came back with his brother. Of course it was the weekend so Saul had to be drinking and Primo took Saul privately in the other room to show Saul something. Saul comes stumbling around the corner with a revolver pointed straight at my head, with his finger on the trigger, and just an arm’s length away, laughing. I just about shit my pants. I said, "What the fuck is wrong with you? You know I hate guns." Saul cocked the gun. Then Primo said, "C'mon mano it's loaded, no fuckin around." I gasped, "OMG!" and cried real tears.

I believe I almost died and Primo might have saved my life; if he didn't talk some sense into Saul that night he would've killed me. He would've tried to blame it on the alcohol like he always does, said he blacked out, and don't remember.  I wonder if that works for murder chargers too, Saul? How is that one supposed to hold up in a court of law? You can plead insanity, or just get deported for not being a United States Citizen and having no legal right to bear arms. Especially when intoxicated and suffering with a mental illness that hinders your better judgment.

Who is the one diluted? Is that what you told the judge, that I was diluted? Do you even know what that means? Ignorance really is bliss I guess when you’re a Narcissus. Let's give you a clue, so I may educate all of you. You see I really don't care anymore, because I have already lost everything that I have ever held near and dear to my heart, and I can see that I am not going to get them back, so I mind as well make it clear why.

Saul said I was diluted.....which means I was made weaker by adding water or force. This the judge must have bought because now I do not have my children, he does. All the judge has done now is give him the jurisdiction to dismiss me from my children's lives entirely, and he doesn't have any empathy. He is as cold and neglectful to our hearts as they come. The judge has just given my children over to a monster.

He on the other hand is Narcissistic:

1.  Quiet Smugness/Superiority: When they do speak, their comments tend to be critical and judgmental, focusing on their own conceited views.

2.  Self-Absorption: Only what they selfishly want and find agreeable. 

3.  Lack of Empathy: Oblivious to, or dismissive of others’ thoughts and feelings. Even when you tell them how their attitudes and actions are generating adverse consequences

4.  Passive-Aggressiveness Upon receiving a reasonable request from you, they might say “okay,” “yes,” “of course,” or “as you wish,” then either do nothing, or behave however they please.

5.  Highly Sensitive. In the face of negative feedback, some introvert narcissists will defend with an increased sense of superior smugness and dismissal (fight), while others will respond with sullen withdraw (flight). Typically, they will not let on how much the negative experience bothers them, and instead use their well-rehearsed aloofness to continue their schema. Some will turn bright red and run their whole head under a faucet of cold water. (This was Saul)

6.  The “Misunderstood Special Person”

The self-perceptions of some introverted narcissists include notions such as: “I’m special,” “I’m one-of a kind,” “I’m ahead of my time,” “I’m so unique no one understands me,” and “I’m so smart I’m above everyone else.” Statements such as these reveal common narcissistic tendencies of superiority, grandiosity, and entitlement. 

7.  Impersonal and Difficult Relationships

As mentioned earlier, part of the introvert narcissist’s insecurity is the inability to genuinely connect with people. To this extent, the aloofness and/or smugness serve as a defensive mechanism keeping people away, lest the narcissist is exposed for her or his interpersonal inadequacies.