CHAPTER 64- The first post of the PCRM Blog.

March 26, 2016

To instill hope in rebuilding the family infrastructure..........

This was B'onnie's 1st post ever written in the Parental Civil Rights Movement Blog.

Parentalrightsmovement@blogspot.com

To instill hope in rebuilding the family infrastructure for the American people.

"Let us think about each other and help each other to show love and do good deeds."
            Hebrews 10:24


Should we implement the law for families after, before, or during a seperation?

In order to cope with coexistence through living in seperate quarters, but having the rights to being in public arenas for the children's sake; on holidays, extra curriculum activities, and school events, unless of course a restraining order is put in place?

I need everyone elses input on this.

Then Moses said to the people,

"Remember this day in which you came out of Egypt, out of the house of slavery, for by a strong hand the LORD brought you out from this place. No leavened bread shall be eaten."
                         Exodus- 13:3

EXODUS- Bob Marley
movement of the people

Chapter 44- Inspirational Creativity (just scroll all the way down to read. Editing is being a bitch)

Bea became inspired to write again and to create lyrics. She had the urge to branch out and collaborate with other musicians to blend these lyrics with others music. Bea started blending her lyrics over other musician's tracks on soundcloud and discovered her creative collaborative expression and this felt liberating. 

Bea then began to question herself. Whatever happened to my dream of becoming a singer?

Bea prayed about it and GOD answered her by calling her back in and showing me that it is never too late. Bea realized then that what she needed was to move forward and embrace her gift to transcend a very important message that needed to be heard. 

Lyrics and melody's started coming out of nowhere. She would be in the shower and a song would come to her. She had to jump out of the shower and write it down before she forgot it, until Bea realized that she could use her voice recorder to catch the lyrics. It was like she was encompassing a spiritual awakening, and she desired to share it with the world. How? Was the question.  

Bea started branching out and meeting other musicians in the community. One gentleman, Clyde, she met on first Friday in St. Petersburg. He was already becoming a prominent musician there. Bea decided to call him and get together to see if she still had the spark to perform.

She first set out on her journey to a hot spot called Mad Hatters Ethnobotanical Tea Bar, which was the first kava and karaton bar she had ever encountered. That place has an amazing staff and very inviting atmosphere. She got a hooka and found the expertise of the staff helpful and highly recommend for anyone first trying kava. They made it a very chill experience. 

As she sat enjoying the ambiance and the hooka that was purchased, a young gentleman approached her. I don't recall his name, but he shared with her his gift of musical expression as well, and Bea asked him if he wanted to perform with her tonight. He agreed and we learned a song by Deelite, Grove Is In The Heart.

She sent a text message to Clyde... 

B: What club you at again?

Clyde: Heading to ringside right now, 2nd and central.

Bea told her friend and they both jumped on the scooter and headed downtown. They both sat at the bar and Bea shot Clyde another text.

B: I'm here now

Clyde : Where are you? Haha..I'm sitting out front, didn't see you inside. I guess text me when you're really there lol...

Bea  looked around and didn't see him.  Bea thought to herself.... is this a joke? Well I will step outside and scope it out. 

Bea didn't see Clyde and sent him another text.

B: Im outside. Where r you?

Finally Clyde walked into the bar and Bea reconnected with him. He told me her his band was not able to play the song she selected and Bea kind of felt bad that she had dragged this boy here to help her sing it. 

Then Clyde pulled her over to the side and asked her; "What is he doing here?" She told him; "Well he is going to sing the song with me." Clyde retorted, "You don't want to be hanging around that kind of riff raff it will present a bad image." I respected his opinion, but it did sound kind of prejudice of him.

Bea stepped on his stage and sang Me And Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin and then Clyde asked her if she can sing anything else. Bea rambled off a bunch of other songs she knew and he picked a song by George Michael, Faith. 

Bea felt very comfortable and in her element on that stage. It finally seemed as if she found her calling. The only question now was, who is going to be my band? Clyde had already developed his own band so in actuality he was  Bea's competition and after hearing her sing I believe he began to realize that as well, but he did give Bea some pertinent advice. Clyde told Bea, "B, you need to take the time to get to know your own sound and music. Put on your headphones and play it over and over until you feel what your singing, and believe the message your willing to portray."

After Bea left the ringside and drove my friend back home Bea kept thinking about the advice Clyde gave her  and she acknowledged his theory to be genuine and true. That is exactly what Bea did and she followed up with a text message to thank him.

B: Hey Clyde, I just wanted to say Thank you very much for inviting me to your gig last night. Not many musicians allow that especially lead singers in bands. I really appreciate it, I do. I really needed an outlet and it felt awesome. I feel like my old self again. I should start working on some creative songs of my own. Anytime you make an appearance please text me and I'll try to make It.             Thanks again                     B

Bea's experience was very genuine. Her creative music venture blossomed from there

Bea was so inspired and feeling all her emotions intensely. All her happiness, sadness excitement, triump, courage, and strength. She had a vision of her old dreams submerging to the surface. 

Bea became inspired to write again and to create lyrics. She had the urge to branch out and collaborate with other musicians to blend these lyrics with others music. Bea started blending her lyrics over other musician's tracks on soundcloud and discovered her creative collaborative expression and this felt liberating. 

Bea then began to question herself. Whatever happened to my dream of becoming a singer?

Bea prayed about it and GOD answered her by calling her back in and showing me that it is never too late. Bea realized then that what she needed was to move forward and embrace her gift to transcend a very important message that needed to be heard. 

Lyrics and melody's started coming out of nowhere. She would be in the shower and a song would come to her. She had to jump out of the shower and write it down before she forgot it, until Bea realized that she could use her voice recorder to catch the lyrics. It was like she was encompassing a spiritual awakening, and she desired to share it with the world. How? Was the question.  

Bea started branching out and meeting other musicians in the community. One gentleman, Clyde, she met on first Friday in St. Petersburg. He was already becoming a prominent musician there. Bea decided to call him and get together to see if she still had the spark to perform.

She first set out on her journey to a hot spot called Mad Hatters Ethnobotanical Tea Bar, which was the first kava and karaton bar she had ever encountered. That place has an amazing staff and very inviting atmosphere. She got a hooka and found the expertise of the staff helpful and highly recommend for anyone first trying kava. They made it a very chill experience. 

As she sat enjoying the ambiance and the hooka that was purchased, a young gentleman approached her. I don't recall his name, but he shared with her his gift of musical expression as well, and Bea asked him if he wanted to perform with her tonight. He agreed and we learned a song by Deelite, Grove Is In The Heart.

She sent a text message to Clyde... 

B: What club you at again?

Clyde: Heading to ringside right now, 2nd and central.

Bea told her friend and they both jumped on the scooter and headed downtown. They both sat at the bar and Bea shot Clyde another text.

B: I'm here now

Clyde : Where are you? Haha..I'm sitting out front, didn't see you inside. I guess text me when you're really there lol...

Bea  looked around and didn't see him.  Bea thought to herself.... is this a joke? Well I will step outside and scope it out. 

Bea didn't see Clyde and sent him another text.

B: Im outside. Where r you?

Finally Clyde walked into the bar and Bea reconnected with him. He told me her his band was not able to play the song she selected and Bea kind of felt bad that she had dragged this boy here to help her sing it. 

Then Clyde pulled her over to the side and asked her; "What is he doing here?" She told him; "Well he is going to sing the song with me." Clyde retorted, "You don't want to be hanging around that kind of riff raff it will present a bad image." I respected his opinion, but it did sound kind of prejudice of him.

Bea stepped on his stage and sang Me And Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin and then Clyde asked her if she can sing anything else. Bea rambled off a bunch of other songs she knew and he picked a song by George Michael, Faith. 

Bea felt very comfortable and in her element on that stage. It finally seemed as if she found her calling. The only question now was, who is going to be my band? Clyde had already developed his own band so in actuality he was  Bea's competition and after hearing her sing I believe he began to realize that as well, but he did give Bea some pertinent advice. Clyde told Bea, "B, you need to take the time to get to know your own sound and music. Put on your headphones and play it over and over until you feel what your singing, and believe the message your willing to portray."

After Bea left the ringside and drove my friend back home Bea kept thinking about the advice Clyde gave her  and she acknowledged his theory to be genuine and true. That is exactly what Bea did and she followed up with a text message to thank him.

B: Hey Clyde, I just wanted to say Thank you very much for inviting me to your gig last night. Not many musicians allow that especially lead singers in bands. I really appreciate it, I do. I really needed an outlet and it felt awesome. I feel like my old self again. I should start working on some creative songs of my own. Anytime you make an appearance please text me and I'll try to make It.             Thanks again                     B

Bea's experience was very genuine. Her creative music venture blossomed from there

DREAM (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by B' onnie

July 2015

DREAM - by, B' onnie

This is my dream
and I'm going to go for it.
With or without you.
Your not holding me back.
I had enough of that crap.
I wish I could fly
And touch the clouds in the sky.

(Dream)

Be calm and be true
And you can make it through
All those hurdles and bumps
Turn to yourself
Don't look to nobody else
It's one of those things
We all have to go through
To find out what makes you
You.

(Dream)

Chapter 40- Finally Being Honest With Myself

05/14/2015

Even though Saul had no intention of protecting the kids and I. I still tried to appease him and be a good wife.

B:Your lunch is in the microwave.
 Jr. and I have an appointment.

Saul: Ok thanks.

05/15/2015

Saul never showed up home again and he had the car. Jr. was running a fever and I was starting to worry.

B:Are you coming home? When?

05/16/2015 12:34am

Saul: I'm ok, papa still buz if not i will take cab home or stay here. The scooter is at my job.

B: Right. I think we need to take Jr. to children's.

Saul: ok right now. All he wants dada.

B: No these bumps are spreading from his mouth out. I think he has mumps.

Saul: What are mumb?

B: Measles

Saul: ok, he will be fine, all need it medicine.

05/18/2015
Well the medicine didn't work.
Saul took Jr. to the hospital with his parent's because now he was beginning to worry, Jr's condition seemed to be getting worse. They set us up with a gastroentologist.

B: babe where are you?

Saul: I'm with my parents at the hospital.

B: Can you stop and get some charcoal or a few of those things from the $1 store. I would like to grill some food for dinner tonight.

Today Saul decided to stay at his parent's with Jr., Pat stayed over his friends house, and I was all alone. Tonight I decided to go for a ride on the scooter to clear my head. It was a beautiful night so I went to the park down the street to stare up at the full moon. I prayed upon the moon and thought of poor primo locked up in that cell. I felt his aura around me and telepathically talked to him in my mind.

For a moment I felt his presence and heard him talking back. It was genuine and sweet. I explained to him what was happening in my life and how alone I felt by being with his brother. I wished that he be there beside me, chillin with me again, and I wished he was my man. Tears started to fall onto my cheeks all of a sudden I felt him loving and soothing me. Then I got nervous about this energy because I have never experienced it before. It was really strange.

I jumped on my scooter and rode home. Then all of a sudden I felt a butterfly feeling in my heart and then a sexual urge ran down through my stomach and in between my legs that was so intense that I had to pull over to get my bearings again. I was like, "What in the world was that? Is that you Primo? Are you here now? This is crazy, but I kind of liked it. I love you." Then I thought to myself could this be true love? This doesn't make any sense at all.

05/29/2015

Saul: I'm going to the shop with my dad.

B: I'm sitting at home alone once again.

Saul: on my way home babe.

B: Sure.......whatever. Don't bother if you're wasted. I can pick you up.

Saul: no i m not wasted.

B: what happened? poor daddy. Are you going to be ok to drive?

Saul:Yea i just gave him a massage he is sleeping tight. No punieta.

That night Saul did make it home and he was in the mood to have sex. The whole time I closed my eyes and pretended I was making love to Primo and it was amazing. After we were done Saul looked deeply into my eyes and told me, "Wow babe I was really feeling you tonight. What got into you?" I was confused but I knew what it was. In my mind I was making love to the wrong man and I felt terrible about lying to him but I told him, "I have no idea."

Although I did have an idea I just didn't know exactly how to explain it to myself, let alone to anybody else. I had a whole night and day to think about it. I thought long and hard about how many years I have been having these feelings for Primo and how this has come about. I had to be honest with myself and come to the realization that I have loved him at first sight but have subdued these feelings for 11 long years.

I had fooled both him and myself, making him believe that I was against him so it would push him away because I was afraid of loving him. I knew he was afraid to love me back too because when I professed my love to him before I married Saul he told me he didn't love me, and that is why I married Saul. Primo said he didn't have love for me and I needed to get over him. After, all of his actions proved to me that it was not true. I tried dispising him so I wouldn't fall in love with him, but the more I pushed the harder it became. No matter how hard I tried to fight it the more inevitable it caught up to me that there was no use in fighting anymore. The heart has to have what it wants. Who am I to stand in the way of true love?

I drove to church to pray about it. I prayed for an answer to this conundrum. My prayers always get answered and not always in the way I want, but GOD tends to give me what I need. Then I recalled around Christmas time when Saul attacked us. I asked father GOD for an answer then. Could this be the answer now Lord? Did I marry the wrong brother? Maybe I should have given Primo more time to follow his heart.

I know it is not fair to Saul. If we are not making eachother happy why stay together? So many times we have had this conversation and realized that we were in a relationship of complacency. It wasn't fair to either of us. He always told me that if I no longer wanted to be with him to just tell him and then we could seperate as friends, on good terms for the kids sake. Maybe now was the time to do just that. Yet every time I tried that he would just come crawling back and I would take him in, but now I had many more reasons to keep away from him.

One, he was becoming a threat to my children and I. Two, he was financially draining. Three, he has cheated and lied to me on a numerous of occasions which has proven that he doesn't have love for me. Four, he is not willing to protect and defend the kids and I above all else. Five, last but not least my heart was beginning to belong to another. That was my answer, thank you father now I know what I have to do, to be honest with Saul. He deserves to follow his heart and find his true love too. Who am I to stand in the way of true love? I've been longing for 11 years, it was time to go for it and embrace it.

Chapter 39- The Boheeva

05/11/2015

Missy was being a bully. Saul would call her the boheeva. She was insistent about us paying her money even though she was not the rightful owner of the house. I really did appreciated her for letting us move in, but had I known what a bully and a tyrant she was beforehand I would have never let my kid's near her. First impressions led me to believe that she was a good person. Saul and I did agree to pay her rent, but we did not sign any legal documents stating that and later come to find out that all of us were squatting in that house so we didn't see the point of paying her rent. Instead Saul fixed the hole in the ceiling. Missy was illegally paying the water bill and my husband was able to get the electric bill in his name and I handled the trash bill.

I wasn't sure what was happening between my husband and I, but I sensed it wasn't good for he was staying out a lot while I waited for him in bed. A few nights Saul and Missy would stay up late talking and it really upset me because I would be waiting in bed fuming that he was having an affair. In fact, I was beginning not to even care anymore because someone else was creeping into my heart and consuming my mind. I really wasn't sure how to make any sense of it, I just came to the conclusion that the heart know's what it wants. It still didn't seem right falling in love with my husbands brother, but it is not like Saul really loved me anymore for his actions were telling me so.

On this day Missy got up in my face. She crossed a boundary with me and started acting as if she was my mother claiming that, "This is my house." 

I told her, "Listen, this is our house and I am a grown woman who can do what she pleases. I don't have to take orders from you." 

At this time I had company. My neighbor and her child were in the backyard with me and Missy was standing in between the sliding glass door. Missy turned around grabbing the wooden chair and throws it at me almost hitting the child in the face aside of me. Luckily, I caught the chair in time and set it down. 

I said, "You crazy bitch! I am out of here."

"let's go over to your house." I said to my neighbor.  

Then Missy states, "Oh no you won't " 

She was trying to hold us up against our will as she stood in between the sliding glass doorway.

Missy was a heavy set woman in her forties it really didn't take too much to topple her over and make her lose her balance. 

I said, "Then I will just have to go through you." 

I nudged her over to the side with my shoulder and she backed up into the table and we left the premises. Then I text messaged Saul to let him know what happened. I told Saul about all the times Missy had flipped out on us, and that the situation was escalating. I also informed him of the borderline abuse that I witnessed between her and our kids and that I felt we should put a restraining order against her.  

Saul took her defense and said, "If it were not for her we wouldn't have a place to live." 

I said, "True, but we need to protect ourselves because she is acting crazy lately." 

So when Saul came home I left him with the kid's and went to my friends house to talk it over with them and get a second opinion about the restraining order. Also to avoid another confrontation with Missy and calm my nerves.

B: Missy has got into your head. She has more to lose than us we are safe. Hear me out.

Saul: Nobody gets in my head I cannot leave the kids behind. You need grow up and stop using that shit.

B: We are around the corner for 10 min. Just give me 10 min.

Saul: No don't ask me again.

B: See why do you want to gang up on me and take her side. I wish we could work out our differences and stay a united front.

Saul: No.

B:This bitch has no idea who she is fucking with. Mrs. Solorzano is rowdy now. She is not fucking with my livelihood.

Saul: ok.

B: We have children. She picked up a chair and tried to hit me with it right next to a child and his mother.

Saul: ok we will but i need to find out is your idea.

B: Just want to hear you out. Get your take on the situation.

Saul: What?

B: Come get me.

Saul: You can come i m in bed.

B: Aren't you going to protect me from the boheeva?
Open the door
Plz

Saul: yup

05/12/2015

That should have been my first clue that one abuser will always back up another abuser. I just thought being my husband and making a vow to protect your wife and family must have meant something to him. Apparently I was wrong. 

I decided to push the restraining order. Saul and I dropped the subject and agreed to disagree. We went about our daily life. Today Jr. was having more health issues. I took him to the ENT for a checkup and he had a double ear infection and needed antibiotics.

B: I just dropped off Liam script they said it will take an hour so I am going home to put Jr. For nap.

Chapter 37- B's Letter To Primo.....

4/15/2015

Letter sent to Primo in jail from B confessing her love to him.

Dear Darling,

Ginza J Balvin.....yo bailar papi.
Good morning my love.

I wish I knew if u were happy or ok. Please reach out to me babe so I can have an idea how my luv is doing. BTW can you please take Izzy to see the new Angry Birds movie when it comes out he really wants to go see it? I appreciate u more than u could ever imagine. Have a blessed day my king.

We need some time alone to explore each others hearts.....I want u to feel how strong my heart beats for you and if I can hear ur heart beating back. Show me u have the courage. I will be soft and gentle with you. I won't say a peep, as long as u promise not to laugh at the wimpering and heavy breathing. I might whisper sweet nothings in your ear, I can find plenty else to do with my mouth other than speak. I am pretty passionate at kissing. I have the whole loft upstairs. That's where I am.  The garage door will b open for u. Park inside. The door will b unlocked. I love you regardless. I always have and I always will, whether or not you care doesn't change my love for you. I'm stuck. So I lie in this bed all alone by myself with just my teddy to keep me company. I wish it were my man that warms my heart instead of this lifeless animal. I'll take whatever I can get for now until I can get the next best thing....nothing compares to u. U will b mine .......I can feel it....u being into me. Honestly, I don't want to own u really. I just wish to b ur one and only, ALWAYS and forever to the depths of our souls....I just need to make love...and create passion when I am with you. I hope u are on your way to me....my heart has been longing.

I feel ur touch in my dreams...can't u feel my heart beat still? I can't let u go...I want you in my life. Your arms are my castle , your heart is the sky. U make me right when I am torn. I need u to finish my thoughts, I am nothing without u, but I am sure that together we are invincible and I want to shut down all the hype with you. I am focusing on peace and tranquility in our world. Although we are wild ones together we can be tamer if u let me take u home and break u in....running with Primo I'm on the prowl.

Please just let me love you. We can go everywhere, do anything, see whatever u want to see, or let it go for tonight. I need some direction . I'm lost without u. It turns me on when u speed in reverse. I luv when u move fast, but honey I think u must have lost ur edge cuz lately u have been hitting the breaks and not making any moves. How come? Has no one told u yet, that anything ur heart desires is impossible? Pinch me for I know this is reality and I am not dreaming. I am very much aware, I am in the same state as u. You never cease to amaze me. I know u still have it in you. Cum babycakes, cum 2 mami. Some love and attention, your time, your thoughts, your touch, your taste. Just share with me everything there is to know about you and what it is that fascinates u about me. Can we be into eachother just once?  Can u just let down your fortress that you have built around you and just let me dwell in there for a minute so I can breathe, cuz right about now I feel like I am drowning.

I know you don't trust me for the way we started our journey was all off. I know we were meant 4 eachother. I know I need you and I believe you need me too. Your brother says that you could never love me because you don't have a heart. You can't even love yourself. Do you think what he says is true?

Deep in my heart I know he is wrong. You just have a hard time believing in yourself. Lately I have been feeling that way myself. I have been so depressed and in limbo for years now. I KNOW you have too. Why do you think that is? Perhaps we can start out with a clean slate.

I don't think I can be your sister or friend anymore, that is probably what you want anyway. I know all this sounds so crazy. Believe me I have tried to analyze over and over and all I can come up with is that love makes people do and say the crazziest things sometimes because you want to be in control of the situation so bad, but it is really up to the other person when the ball is in the others court, and I am dying inside because you are not writing me back. Please I need some answers from you.

I hate to say it, but it is time that we both rise above our past. I need to develop my forgettery and stop being melancholy and develop a new way of pushing toward our future together. If we r ever to move forward we need to forgive one another and move forward.

I forgive you Primo. Yes you have hurt me in the past many times, but I am pretty sure it was unintentionally because u didn't understand my deep feelings for you. Now that everything is out in the open I am aware u have spared my feeling's in so many circumstances for you are aware of how sensitive I am especially concerning what you think about me. That right there has to show you how gaurded you are towards me. You have always tried to protect me. That's why I love you and need u in my life, to guide me and keep me safe and out of trouble. Just look at the mess I have made since u have been gone. I am a hot mess.

I would like to start over with a clean slate as if we are meeting for the first time. I no longer know the old you and you don't know me. I am no longer going to give u clues or answers cuz u already know how I feel. I am just going to wait and see what you do now. No calls, no surprise visits, or letters. Just temperance and patience until u decide for yourself what your heart needs. That's really all I can do for I have proved to you what my heart has in store for you. Our journey has not begun as of yet you have been distant like a shooting star. I have been playful like a clown. Niether of us has taken the initiative to commit because honestly papi, I want this to be my happily ever after for the long haul. A soul searching love with depth and substance. No more game's or disappointments. Just faithfully devoted loyalty, trust, and commitment. I will wait however long I have to wait till we feel we are both prepared and ready. I don't want to put label's on our partnership but appreciate you for being the man in my life who appreciates who I am and how I care for us, the Lord, our home, and our family.

Now I am alone praying that you have listened to my pleas for love. I will still love u from afar, and miss you every day you will just not know about it anymore. Just seek me out and find me. Your going to have to courtship me though. Win me over because I am not going to know you the next time we meet. CLEAN SLATE.

Chapter 36- Primo's Jail House Heart Break

03/10/2015

After the holiday's passed it started to set in to all of us how lonely it was without Primo. He got locked up in jail due to his new baby's mama who would not put up with his shit. On Thanksgiving day papa wouldn't even show his face at the head of the dinner table because he was so depressed. Mama prepared a lovely dinner too. I wished Primo was there too.

I started writing him letter's building a strong bond spiritually and I started to feel more alive. I would sit in my kid's room writing and my toe's would curl as if I was a stupid little girl in love, and in a strange sense I was falling in love.

One day we had a barbecue over my in-laws house and they were drinking. It started to rain, but we still stayed in the pool and mama started crying. She was so depressed over losing her mom and not seeing her son for he was in jail. She would go to visit him all the time.  It broke her heart though seeing him locked up like that. After we went back to the house it was just her and I, she told me about how she missed her son so and then she passed out. I told her, "No mamita, you can't go now Primo would never forgive himself." So I did everything I could to revive her, but she was unresponsive. I rolled her onto the bed and called 911. They told me to check her pulse, but I did not feel one so they told me 2 get her down to the floor to perform CPR. I tried but she was too heavy and then Papa and Saul came home they helped me and were in a state of confusion as I started chest compressions. As soon as I gave her mouth to mouth she gasped for air and came to. Then the paramedics arrived to take over.

I know I saved her life and that she had a stroke for when we arrived at the hospital the whole left side of her face was sagging. It is funny how papa and Saul could not believe it. Had I not of been there my mother in-law would have been dead. She told me that she had a dream that Primo was following her. 

I told her, "That is probably why it is not your time because if you were to go Primo would follow you. He is not strong enough yet to handle your death and you know this. That is why it is not your time, but I promise you mama when it is time I will do my best to look after both of your sons." 

I really meant every word from the bottom of my heart and I still do. They will always be family to me. Even after they did me dirty I still consider them my family.

I also told papa the same thing, whether or not he understood or believed me I don't know because he was drunk. I told him that he should love both of his sons equally. That they both deserve and need his love and that if he was to run for governor in his country that I would support him and live there if he wanted me to. I would have done anything for my daddy for he was the only daddy in my life that ever showed me love. They were my parents to and if they needed me to care for them towards the end I would've done it. Then they turned their backs on me and kept me from my kid's.

You won't allow me to hug my kid's and let me tell them I love them? Really?

Goes to show how deceitful family can be. If you can't count on your family. Who can you count on?

Chapter 34- A Not So Merry X-Mas

12-15-2014

At this point in time we decided to move in with Missy due to health issues in our last apartment and rental problems. Missy and Saul were having arguments as well, but as long as he gave her money she seemed to get over it. Missy was all about her money. She liked to be up in the middle of our relationship too, which I did not like. Ever since that time I ended up in the hospital it seemed like Missy and Saul had a secret agenda behind my back. Now I feel like I know exactly what that agenda was. I always thought they were having an affair, but I didn't care. I didn't care about Saul’s affairs anymore. I had fallen out of love with him.

The holidays were approaching so that meant Saul was starting to drink more often. There was this night in particular right before Christmas Saul came home from work early already intoxicated. I asked him if he lost his job. He just boasted that they had a party at work and everybody got to go home early. He was being a jerk about me questioning him. I told him, "listen I am your wife, don't you think I have a right to know?" Saul was quite a spit fire, in a fit he ended up putting a hole in the wall.

I walked away from him to deescalate the situation and he follows me. The baby begins to cry because of all the yelling and Saul picks up my two year old baby by the head of his hair. My poor baby lets out a blood curdling scream which I can hear throughout my nightmares. My baby is scared of his father. 

I snap and attack my husband to defend my baby, 

"Put him down, he is just a baby, you’re hurting him." 

Saul pushes me back against the bunk bed and starts pounding me in the head with his fists. I do my best to protect myself by clawing my nails into him, but I am not a man I have no control. My oldest son jumps on Saul to try and protect me as my son is thrown into the dresser breaking it. That's when Saul stopped and saw the destruction he caused. It was like history repeating itself and he doesn't even know what is happening. That's when I knew we have to get out of here.

I scooped up my crying baby in my arms as he was clinging tightly to my chest I was telling him, 

"Shhhh…..Its ok baby, mommy is going to get us out of here." 

I didn't think twice about grabbing a thing, not even shoes. I just wanted to remove my child from any danger so I stepped outside while the pavement was cold and wet I was barefoot. The rain was trickling down as I fastened my baby in his car seat and I entered my vehicle, finally a moment of silence. I started to think, what do I need? That way I zone in and get what I need as to avoid him then get out. The baby needs a bottle, blanket, so he is comfortable and first I need to check on my other son to make sure he is ok, my phone, my purse, and my keys.

I go in and see that he is talking with my son so I take this quick opportunity to grab all the things I need. First the bottle, blanket, and go back out to the car. The baby is ok I give him the bottle and blanket. Then I check my purse. Where is my phone and keys? He took them. That bastard is keeping us against our will. Where is the key? I didn't want to jump to conclusions but I know I had them both in my purse. I had to go back in to find them.

As I went back in I had a good look around the whole house. I tore the place apart and all of a sudden an anxiety attack started to set in. I confronted Saul and he had Pat in his arms acting like nothing ever happened. 

I asked Pat, "Are you all right baby?" 

Pat shook his head.

I said, "come here."  

I looked him over real quick to make sure he wasn't bleeding, he had a huge bruise on his back, then I told him to go out to the car with his brother. 

I asked Saul, "Where are my keys? I know you hid them give them to me now." 

Saul just pretended like he didn't know what I was talking about and helped me look for them. As we both searched the house he asked me what was wrong and I told him that if he did not find my keys that he was going to be the one leaving once I called the police.

He didn't seem to understand. 

I told him again. "If you don't give me my phone and key's immediately I am kicking you out for good. I can't live like this anymore. You want to take your aggression out on these kids you have another thing coming. Don't you dare even go where they’re? You know what! Just get the fuck out!"

So Saul left, but before he did I found my stuff after he planted it.

12/25/2014

That Christmas was so refreshing. It was the first one that was all about the kid's opening their gifts and having fun. Nobody was drinking or being loud and stupid for once. It was peaceful and cheerful. Everyone was happy. No Saul. Granted I haven't spent the past two Christmas's with my boys but at least the last one I did spend with them I know we will never forget because I made sure that it was extra special just for my boys. No one was going to ruin our Christmas this year my loves, especially not Saul.

Pat wore Oscar the grouch pj's and Jr kept trying to eat the tootsie rolls with the wrappers on. I even had on a pj set. We all did. Jr loved his bike helmet so much he didn't want to take it off. It was a project trying to teach him how to open gifts. He really didn't get it. He was only two years old but it was hilariousness when Pat scared him with the dinosaur he got. We all laughed. Pat is such an awesome older brother. I wonder if Jr still follows him around like he used to? I miss my boys. I don't even know anything about them now thanks to Saul and DCF.

Chapter 32- Going Under Water

02/16/2013

I was struggling with Post Par-tum Depression, grieving, PTSD, and taking medication I shouldn't have been prescribed.

I was sinking emotionally. I begged my mother to stay because I knew I couldn't handle being by myself with the baby, Pat, and with a broken ankle. I was right. Saul was working days and nights. He barely came home at all. Not even on our wedding anniversary that just passed and although I know it might have been a test it was a cruel test at that and I don't think that I passed.

Like I said I was left alone all day with the baby and I was begging for some help so I bribed Primo to come over to keep me company. I must confess it was a relief not to be alone. At one point I took it upon myself to lay my head on his chest because that's where I felt secure with my ear to his heart always. Personally I could stay like that forever; Primo on the other hand always had to take it to the next level. Like a knight he swept me up in his arms with my cast on taking me to my room he had his way with me so like I said monthly visits... test failed. What is it about this man?

Later that day I stumbled, lost my balance and fell. I called out for Primo to help me. No answer, but Jr. crawls over to me. I call again, no response. Jr. lies on my chest we both cry out for help finally Primo comes and I tell him my problem. He doesn't seem to care and walks out the door. What is going on? I’m hurting here.... do you not care? Isn't that why you were here in the first place to help me? What just happened is that you walked out of my life when I needed you most, if this is going to be a common trend then what good are you? When the going gets tough that is when you must stick it through so people feel that they can rely on you. The most rewarding people in our lives never come to us easily; strong ties require a lot of patience, compassion, and hard work.

As I waited for Saul that night depression set in, I felt myself sinking, I wanted to give up and let go. I was in the tub and that's what I felt myself doing....I was drowning and I told myself I am coming to you nana. I was looking through the water I broke through and nana reminded me that Jr. still needed me.

When I got out of the tub I put on my robe and Saul came home in a fit of rage. He was giving me hell about the baby not having a diaper, about this, about that, just picking a fight like he always does and then punches my Aunt Patty's picture and breaks it. I ran to the bathroom scared now justifying all my reasons for wanting to die and I proceeded by taking all of the pills I owned. I cried and listened to every one of his insults as they penetrated throughout my brain like a broken record and I thought, I'm finally shutting you off mother fucker.

I could only assume that Primo had told him. When I approached him out of the bathroom I said, "Why did you punch my deceased godmother's picture?" and he replied, "I don't like the way she smiled at me." I said, "She was smiling for the picture and that was the only picture I had of her. Your cruel man.  I know that punch was intended for me?"  Saul was still in an irate mood claiming he wants a divorce. I told him what I had done in the bathroom. 

I said, "Don't you worry about a divorce I’ll be dead before you know it." He didn't believe me. 

I told him, "If you don't call someone I’m going to die." 

Saul said, "Your full of shit"

After I thought about it and realized this is not what I really wanted. What I really wanted was to be loved and get attention, but not like this. This was just a cry for help. So I picked up the phone and I dialed my therapist. She answered and asked me if I was alone and asked to speak with my husband.

My therapist told Saul, "If you don't hang up and call 911 your wife is going to die." 

Saul replied, "Understood will do." 

Then Saul hung up and started yelling at me more, not doing a damn thing to save me. Thank GOD I was coherent enough to call 911 myself so I could save my own life because my husband was going to let me die. 

After that moment I NEVER gave him the satisfaction of breaking me down like that ever again, I realized then he wasn't worth my life. 

Chapter 30- STOP!

08/26/2013

The day of the car accident....

Saul and I argued often, what we were arguing about specifically tonight I really couldn't tell you. Honestly, I didn't even feel like we were arguing at all, maybe just not agreeable on what we were watching on TV. So Saul decided to Tomahawk chuck the remote squarely in between my two eyes off of my forehead. All I saw was star's.  I was so stunned and hurt that I began to cry and Saul started apologizing to say it was just an accident, but clearly it wasn't.  It was mean and deliberate and I felt violated so I left and went for a ride in my car.

I didn't know of many places I could go. I did have a client named Missy who I would give a ride to work early every morning. I decided to park in front of her house and wait it out till morning. Missy spotted me parked out in her driveway and welcomed me into her home. I opened up to her and shared my marital problems I was having with Saul to her. She seemed to sympathize with me and helped me cope with my emotions.

That morning as I was driving Missy to work we made a complete stop at a stop sign and saw a vehicle coming towards us. The truck appeared to be coming at us head on and not slowing down and it hit us and kept coming. I blew on my horn to alert the driver who seemed to be asleep at the wheel. The truck just plowed through my car pushing it ten feet away. Missy exits my vehicle yelling at the driver, "Hey Bitch! Can't you see us stopped here? What are you blind?" The driver who appeared to be Vietnamese whom was half awake was like "huh?"

Ridiculous, I wasn't even able to get out of my driver side door it had to be completely replaced. The insurance company wanted to declare my car a total loss. I wasn't about to do such a thing considering that I finally paid it off and put a ton of money into it. I was ready for this car to make me some money back. What I didn't realize is that I was going to have to kill my back doing it. I was in some serious back pain. No playing. I needed a tens unit, chiropractor, massage therapy, and all that shit. I found out that I had three herniated discs in my back and will have to suffer with sporadic back pain for the rest of my life. It was excruciating sciatica pain too that would run down the  leg preventing me to walk correctly.

I recall Primo was supposed to fix my car. Saul, Primo, and I went to find parts at the junkyard and I was limping around in pain. I wanted to make sure the job was getting done. Sometimes if you want something done right you have to take matters into your own hands and that is what I was trying to do. Knowing Primo it kind of backfired on me, but regardless I knew it was going to because that is what happens every time you mix business with family. Primo wanted all the money up front, and he was mad because I would only give him half until the job was done. Sure enough Primo took his sweet ass time doing it and did a half assed job as well and I was expected to pay him for a job well done which seemed like a joke to me. To top it all off he shows up with his girlfriend and talks down to me like I was the biggest shit bag on Earth for not conducting business professionally. Personally it hurt a lot that Primo always just saw me as some kind of personal investment instead of a human being with feelings.

(Message to Primo- Granted I may not do things the same way everyone else does there is always a method behind it. In this case it was to prevent you from shoving it all up your nose and doing none of the work. I can't believe you. Now you see why I reacted the way that I did? I saw what your plans were for me, you had no intention to help me, you had every intention to screw me, but I made you help me anyway and this pissed you off. Do you really think I am dumb? Think again. Never underestimate my psychic abilities baby. I got you pegged my love. I will never fall for your scrupulous endeavors no matter how clever. That is the one thing this lesson has taught me.)

I was in so much pain the next day. On my way to the bathroom I passed out. Saul caught my fall and called the ER because I was not breathing. Ambulance said my blood pressure was extremely low. I woke up completely paralyzed. I was not able to move, I had no feeling. This was my first syncope somatic episode. It had not occurred to me at the time that what I had experienced was a seizure that had been triggered by the severe pain in my back.

Chapter 29- Jr.

12/27/2012

The day finally arrived that my doctor had scheduled for me to give labor. I delivered at Countryside Hospital in Palm Harbor FL. My mom, Aunt Mary, Saul, Pat, and Primo were there.

My Aunt Mary consoled me as they did the epidural procedure. I was so nervous. I always heard these horror stories of how some women would end up paralyzed due to the malfunctioning of this procedure. Honestly, I felt as if my epidural did not work because I kept pressing that button to administer the medicine into my spine, but it didn't seem to numb the pain at all. Unfortunately  I felt every inch of pain during my labor.

I made sure Saul sat by my side and held my hand the whole time. I squeezed his hand so hard. As soon as he had a chance to look between my legs he just about vomited and almost past out. My mom totally isolated herself away from me by the computer, which I couldn't understand. At one point Primo came in with Pat, but I quickly told them to get out because I didn't want to freak out my boy. I was like, "Hello I am the one in labor here shouldn't I be the one passing out by now?" But I was working hard pushing and thank you Jesus for making this a decently quick labor. Hallelujah!

My whole experience at Countryside hospital was great, except for the nurse that helped my doctor deliver the baby. She had acrylic nails on and hurt me when checking to see if the baby was crowning, and she left a pretty deep scar on my baby's head doing it too. I was very upset that she made me get a catheter. It felt extremely uncomfortable. Our Dr. was excellent, he took good care of Jr.

We named him after Saul. Salomon Sanchez Jr. I really didn't want to, but Saul insisted. So we called the baby Jr. Or baby. To me he was just precious. He was my little bundle of joy.

I breast fed him and the minute we brought him home from the hospital Progressive Energy decided to shut off our electricity and stick us with a $1000 electric bill in the middle of January with a newborn baby because of what they claimed was a malfunctioning device.

During this time we could not afford to pay it, for a few weeks we had to stay with our in laws. During this transition black mold grew rampart in our apartment in the meantime due to no ventilation and this caused us all to get really sick. The apartment complex, The Collumns, was negligent on fixing the issue entirely and kept hiking up our rent making it impossible for us to afford to live there or be able to afford another place.

Then the corrupt electric company screwed over a bunch of people in the community and changed their name over to Duke Energy, and that was ok with our govenor, Rick Scott. See how Florida does dirty business to people and gets away with it? When people are struggling that's just wrong. There should be unions here that will protect the people from being taken advantage of by such companies in each state. How convenient that they pull this shit on us right around tax season. 

Oppression of the middle class families, leading us into poverty, making us sick, and monopolizing on our pain. Dire times, sinister measure's.  

Chapter 26- Our Wedding Vows.

02/14/2012

On the day of our wedding Saul and I were rushing down to the last minute. His family was supposed to meet us at our home but they never showed. Later that day we heard that their source of transportation had broken down but I believe Primo may have had something to do with that.

Saul and I argued the whole way to the ceremony. We even discussed turning the car around and going back home and saying the hell with it. As we pulled up we couldn't find parking, and I was shocked to see my Aunt Mary motioning me to hurry up. It really meant a lot to me that she was there because everyone in my family was not able to appear because it was kind of last minute and they lived so far away.

Saul's family was always close and I would envy him for that because no matter how big of an ass he would be they always stood by him. So he was hurting at the moment because his people were not present for this big day and surprisingly someone from my side of the family came on top. I didn't have time to change into my white dress. I actually said my vows in a pink dress with my belly already popping out for show.

My little boy was the ring bearer and best man.  As Mary put the Vail on my head she told me the story of how my Aunt Patty was the first person to wear this Vail on her wedding day, then my mom, then my sister, and now me. I felt honored to be part of this family heirloom tradition and even though these women could not be here for this special occasion at least they could still be present in spirits. I felt very grateful at that moment.

We headed down the aisle with fifty other couples on Valentine's Day at the Botanical Gardens in Clearwater Florida. As I was staring into my soon to be husbands eyes and holding his hands tears started to flow as I said my vows,  "Through sickness and health till death do us part." Now looking back on that day I believe those vows meant the world to me. Unfortunately, they meant nothing to my husband. Actually, I believe now that the only reason why he married me is so he didn't have to get stuck paying child support, because as soon after he went and reported it to the State of Massachusetts and everything he paid out over the years for when Pat and I lived without him he received in back taxes and Pat and I never saw any of it.  This man had a plan, and it wasn't to love us, it was to screw us.

I wish I never married him because it was not worth the torture we endured. He promised we would live a better life down in Florida, he promised we would buy a home, he promised he would stop drinking and save that money to build a better future with a new baby. I foolishly believed all his promises, but none of this ever happened except for the baby.

Chapter 25- Too Many Regrets

01/11/2012

Up until now my life had been pretty sheltered, the only one I ever confided in was my nana. She was my best friend. I found a pretty good paying job in Tampa teaching and was happy that I was doing something in my own career field. I was good at working with two year olds, Planning curriculum, singing songs, and being the potty training queen. 

One of my co-workers names was Gem, who was one of those Abercrombie and Fitch type with car problems. Primo knew how to fix cars and he needed the money so I introduced the two of them. Well, they immediately hit it off and every day Gem will tell me the 411. Gem tells me one day she might be pregnant with his baby and I start thinking oh shit I think I am too. What a coincidence, second time in a row he gets me pregnant and then someone else soon later. I started feeling a little hormonal and jealous about the whole situation.

Then my nana calls me on my lunch break crying she says, "Bea I fell out of bed today and I was crying for help for a good hour or so and I was terrified. Nobody came to my aid and I need you." 

I know my nana wouldn't ask for help unless she really needed it, plus she was the one always there for me my whole life; there was no way I was going to let her down. I said, "Nana, I'm so sorry. What ended up happening?"

Nana said, “I was trying to reach for the phone but then I fell out of the bed on the floor and hurt my hip. Eventually your brother came home and helped me up. I came down to Cape Cod so your mother and you could take care of me and then you moved down to Florida." 

Well what she said just broke my heart. " I will find a way to get back to you as soon as I am able to pool some money together for traveling expenses."

Saul and I had been a couple off and on for 8 years at this point and we finally set a date to get married on Valentine's Day 02/14/2012 and I think I was starting to get cold feet. We had talked several times in the past about how we were not in love with each other.  We knew we had made some mistakes in the past but we were ready to look past that and move forward and try and have another baby. I explained how I would like this to be an opportunity to start over new and I took marriage very seriously. He agreed and we made a set plan to be faithful to one another.

But before I made this giant leap I needed to get something off my chest because I did still love Primo and he needed to know how I felt before I made the biggest mistake of my life. It really was THE BIGGEST. Maybe I am a little afraid of commitment, but the heart wants what it wants and who am I to stand in the way of true love? 

Primo was like my best male friend and I felt as if I could tell him anything. So I did, "I'm sorry I even hooked you up with Gem now I am so gelling and wishing I was your girl. I've had a thing for you ever since the moment we met. After the first time we made love there was this connection between us. I would notice that in every picture that I took of you Primo that your eyes would sparkle and your body would exude this energy like no other man I have ever met. "

I knew after the moment we were done having sex something had changed within me and when we were done we agreed that we would keep it between us and I did for a whole decade till I caved. 

I said to Primo, "Do you recall saying, B if your pregnant at least we are keeping it in the family? Well, that really resonated with me. Primo your right Pat has grown up in this family and regardless of who his father is at least he knows both of you and will be raised by both of you but where does that leave me? If either of you are not going to respect me then how are my children ever going to learn to love and respect their mother?"

"I really think you should know that I am not in love with Saul that I am really in truly in love with you, and the only reason I stayed with Saul for as long as I have was to be closer to you. I knew as soon as we made love Pat was conceived and I know deep in my heart that u are his father. When I told you I was pregnant with your child you didn't seem the least bit concerned. Actually, you told me to abort him. Remember Primo I told you there was no way in hell I was ever going to abort my child. I just don't believe in that." 

What he said next broke my heart and helped me make my final decision. He said, "I just don't see you like that B." 

I cried, "Primo how can you say that? GOD has given you a second chance to redeem yourself because I think I am pregnant again. My nana told me the first time I was pregnant, who’s is it Saul's or Primo's? My mouth just dropped because she knew something was up before I even knew I was pregnant but that was my first. That's why all the rumors started flying because she could never keep quiet about things. I guess I got that from her, but at least I stayed shut for 10 years." Now there it was all in a nut shell.

I just commented, “Is this what you wanted your brother raising your kids because you don't want the responsibility?  Why don't you step up and do it yourself? Be a man. You were able to do that for Jeanette. Now why can't you do the same for our kids?” He didn't really comment. “I’m just trying to be really clear with you about how I am feeling before I marry your brother and make one of the biggest mistakes in life.”

Shortly after my conversation with Primo he called his brother confessing all that I told him, and he was crying to Saul. My heart went out to Primo because I know this must have hurt him deeply seeing that he was so conflicted about his own feelings and I know he was trying to do what was right, but Saul just put his brother on speaker phone so I could hear what he was saying. After the call I denied all of it. I couldn't admit to any of it because he told me he didn't love me so why should I change the trajectory of my life?

Chapter 24- New Years Day 2012

01/01/2012

Later that morning I finally gave up looking for him. I found him lurking in the shadows under a tree watching him staring at this pretty cute dancer in her scabies I say, "Yo, what happened to you? " Primo seemed down. 

We headed back to the car and he started sharing what was on his mind. I was just slugging down that Parrot Bay as he spoke I drank more than half the bottle. 

He said, "B what's wrong with me, why won't anyone ever love me?" 

I was like blown away by his statement 

I replied, "whadya mean Primo people love you cuz your fun, crazy, cute I mean what's not to love?" 

He seemed sad, "No man I can't keep a girl, or get my shit on point. Everyone else in my life is settling down and I am stuck in the same old shit." 

My advice was, "You know what you need is a good girl to keep you in check because behind every strong man there is a good woman. Primarily you have to learn to love yourself first because if you don't you won't be capable of loving anyone else back. Don't worry Primo out there you just need to believe, maybe what you need is a sugar momma!" After I had said that I almost wish I hadn't because that wasn't the right answer. 

Primo said, "I'm going to be rich B, but I don't want anyone just to be with me just because of my money." 

Then I said, "Well you'll just need to find her before you make your millions then. It’s my turn. What is it about me Primo? Why is it that Saul don't want to spend time with me?" 

Primo replied, "I don't know what his deal is B your beautiful, look at you, my brother is stupid. Your smart, funny, and chill." 

This really surprised me that Primo thought this way about me. I did a double take in the mirror and said, "Really?" 

Primo retorted, "Hell yeah girl your sexy." 

Then right after he said that the song "Stupid" came on and Primo cranked it up as we cruised slowly down the main strip of YBOR with the convertible top down and leaned all the way back in his chair with his wrist on the wheel. He looked so cool just chillin like a villain and for the first time in awhile I felt sexy again.

The pedestrian's on the strip were getting all hyped up to the music we were cranking. One black man even jumped on Primo's car and started bouncing on it. Honestly I thought Primo was going to get out of his car and start beating his ass, but instead he was chill, laughing along, and singing with them. I was fucking rolling. 

I felt that moment in time to being so sexy and going so smoothly. I wish I could recap it, rewind, and do it all over again.  So I still had a little less than half a bottle of Parrot Bay left and my mind was definitely getting a little fuzzy. 

Primo asks me, "Where to now?" 

I didn't really give a shit and we knew we had no money so I told him, "I don't give a shit." 

So Primo started driving and headed towards the beach and the ocean air was soothing my hair all up into a tizzy. I didn't have a care in the world I felt so free in that convertible. 

When we finally parked and stepped out of the vehicle we got to talking. I felt a connection with Primo after tonight. It had been over a year or so since I even thought about messing around with Primo and it had been a whole Eight years since we had sex last, but I always did have a soft spot in my heart for Primo since the moment we met and I was starting to get the feeling that maybe he felt the same way too.

Up until this moment I felt all there has ever been between us was lust, but tonight I sensed compassion. Something special and spontaneous was happening, of course maybe he was taking advantage of the fact that I was drunk, but once again it was magical. He kissed me and my stomach dropped. It was sweet and tender. He used both his hands and played with my hair and I never felt so much bliss in just one kiss which felt to me like perfect alchemy. I just couldn't keep my hands from roaming all over and having him closer. We both agreed that we needed a place to hide so we went under the bridge where he embraced me while handling me he was in perfect control of the moment. It was quite erotic. 

Only he did hurt me a little by forcing himself upon me in a position I was not too fond of and it hurt so I asked him to stop. When he didn't stop right away I got mad and felt a little violated because he didn't listen to me when I first asked him to. See I've experienced being raped before and was traumatized by it so whenever someone violates my wishes I tend to freak out a little bit, but I understood that he got caught up in the moment and I wasn't going to hold that against him. I felt like I was falling in love with him. This created a bit of a conundrum because I was also in love with his brother, my fiancé. What should I do? This is going to make me feel guilty on so many levels. 

Is it a common trend that people tend to have a fling before they get married out of fear of having sex with the same person for the rest of their life? Am I alone on this?

I personally self sabotaged my life because I was petrified about making such a commitment to being with the same man for the rest of my life to try and aim to please everyone else. I apologize to my nana, my kids, and my insignificant other for not being everything you have dreamed up in your mind for me to be. I am only human and I am sorry. What I really wanted I felt like I couldn't have. Now I am strong enough to write that I will have my family once again and more. For I am free to just being me.....

.........alone unfortunately.