Psalm 7-
Arise, O Lord, in your anger;
rise up against the rage of my enemies,
Awake, my God; decree justice.
Let the assembled people's gather around you.
Rule over them from on high;
let the lord judge the peoples.
Judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness.
According to my integrity, O most high
O righteous God,
Who searches minds and hearts,
bring to an end the violence of the wicked and make the righteous secure.
My shield is God most high,
Who saves the upright in heart.
God is a righteous judge,
A God who expresses his wrath every day.
If he does not relent,
He will sharpen his sword;
He will bend and string his bow.
He has prepared his deadly weapons;
He makes ready his flaming arrows.
He who is pregnant with evil
And conceives trouble gives birth to disillusionment.
He who digs a hole and scoops it out
Falls into the pit he has made
The trouble he causes recoils on himself; his violence comes down on his own head.
I will give thanks to the Lord because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High.
LORD please deliver us from this torture to deny us of our right's to raise our children to know better. To know the truth. To know right from wrong. To do better for our future.
Thanks be to you Lord in the name of Jesus.
God speed ahead. To open the eye's of all the unbelievers that exist and awaken their third eye.
We are ready father.
Showing posts with label DREAM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DREAM. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
HOMELESSNESS (REVOLUTION Lyrics) by B' onnie
September 2015
HOMELESSNESS - by, B' onnie
Homelessness
Is mother nature's bliss
People take eachother for granted
But when their gone
They will be greatly missed
Peace on Earth is such a fallacy
Pardon me
I struggle to get my need's
Lack of nurturing love
Is why I am here you see.
People think I'm gone
And wish I leave
But I will never give up
On my love for me.
When I think I don't belong
I see the innocence of my son's.
Although they are near
I cannot feel his hair,
Or help him out of his highchair.
I cannot sing, dance, or have fun
With my little baby son's!
It breaks my heart
When people play these games
And ruin innocent children's lives
So they can get their way.
I'm sorry.....
The only thing or crime that I've done
Is loved the wrong man..
Son......
HOMELESSNESS - by, B' onnie
Homelessness
Is mother nature's bliss
People take eachother for granted
But when their gone
They will be greatly missed
Peace on Earth is such a fallacy
Pardon me
I struggle to get my need's
Lack of nurturing love
Is why I am here you see.
People think I'm gone
And wish I leave
But I will never give up
On my love for me.
When I think I don't belong
I see the innocence of my son's.
Although they are near
I cannot feel his hair,
Or help him out of his highchair.
I cannot sing, dance, or have fun
With my little baby son's!
It breaks my heart
When people play these games
And ruin innocent children's lives
So they can get their way.
I'm sorry.....
The only thing or crime that I've done
Is loved the wrong man..
Son......
Saturday, June 3, 2017
Chapter 53- Mark Hannah see Tampa Bay Crash Course of Injustice..(5)
August 2, 2015
B was being discriminated against due to her disabilities for she struggled with ADHD and Epilepsy.
B- "We shall start with my work story because that is where I seemed to finally fall apart. I was so happy to finally be working as a call agent at 24/7 with Ulta being a phone receptionist. As I mentioned before at the end of June Missy, Saul, and Mama almost sabatoged my chances of even getting the job because they were trying me. They showed their true colors in how they felt towards me by not being cooperative with caring for the kid's while I worked."
B thought-
(She was left to fend for herself. Although she did push the kid's on Saul. B felt she had to in order to provide for them and get on her own two feet. Only, it was supposed to be a quick transition.)
Unfortunately, B's idea blew up in her face and a lot of people turned on her.
Once B got the job she took it and rolled with it. B did everything in her power to keep it. Even though it was a challenge every day, she still put up with all the bullshit that came along with the job and stuck to it.
The first incident was the training. There was a lot of material to remember, and B was barely passing the exams. She realized it would have been a lot easier for her to attain the information had she been on her Ritalin.
B: " Ritalin is a drug that I discovered 10 year's ago that helps me focus and manage my life better. It has been a never ending battle to attain this medication because it is a controlled substance, and a lot of psychiatrist are afraid to prescribe it to me because so many people abuse it, which sucks for me because I can't keep a job without it. I try to make due, but it is too challenging. I literally need this drug to maintain my life."
The company only hired B by default. Most of the people walked out of the training and gave up with the position because the job didn't pay enough to put up with the bullshit training at 6 am. When the program started there were at least 20 candidate's. Once the training was finished only 8 people remained. B was lucky enough to get shuffled through.
When B made it onto the floor she was having a hard time keeping up with the work load. She fell behind and was not able to note all her accounts properly. She kept getting written up for taking time out of her own breaks to stay on task. Finding little shortcuts here and there to catch up.
B felt the supervisors were setting her up for failure because she would go to her cubicle, and either the computer would be malfunctioning, or her headset would be missing. The floor supervisors were making snide remarks about her and pulling her off the floor to have meetings that would degrade her. It got to the point where B's health started deteriorating because she was not getting enough nourishment due to skipped breaks, and not getting an adequate amount of sleep due to stress. B felt like she had to overcompensate all the time just so she could keep her job, but put her needs to the wayside. Eventually she went and got a doctor's note so they would understand her health condition.
B: "I would just ignore them and do my work, but they made going to my job hell."
B tried to find ways to ask for accommodations in order to find relief for her learning disability. She sent a note to HR asking if it would be possible to have an assigned cubicle so she can log in and out of her computer without any trouble because she was not able to remember the 15 different passwords and all the employees were not allowed to have any paper or pens on the floor. The supervisors of course found a way to dismiss her request by making B the only one without an assigned cubicle; it was like a slap in the face. It seemed as if she couldn't catch a break no matter where she sat.
One day B was so happy because it seemed like one of the supervisors finally took the time to help her figure out an issue she was having. It finally seemed like someone in the department really cared for once, so she got excited hugged her and gave a little peck on the cheek, which in the Spanish culture showed a sign of gratitude.
Do you know the next day at work she was taken into HR and was written up for that? She couldn't understand and wanted to address it with the supervisor face to face, but they did not give her a chance to and demanded she go back to work.
B went back to her cubicle and tried to recollect her thoughts and felt she needed to explain herself to this woman that she must have offended. She asked her boss,
B- "Please if I may speak to this woman would it be inappropriate for me to apologize?"
B's boss explained to her,
"It is not the best time."
B told her, - "I feel I need some time to gather my thought's before I conduct my job."
She went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet crying and thought to herself.
(Never in my wildest dreams did I mean to sexually harass her. I was just trying to be kind.)
This really bothered B a lot, she started thinking.
(What is this world coming to if a person cannot even show gratitude? Well maybe I don't belong in such a world?)
At that moment B started hyperventilating wishing she was not in this world. Then her ears made a sound like a waterfall, and everything went completely black.
B felt herself in another dimension, and she was not sure where she was, it seemed as if she was in a highschool, but it was a different life. A better life that she wished she had, where people were generous and kind hearted. They made her feel loved and wanted........all of a sudden she woke up from this other life on the bathroom floor to the paramedics surrounding her, and a grotesque taste in her mouth which reminded her of taking a huge gulp of the ocean.
Later that evening B's neighbors sister came up to her and asked, "Are you alright?" She said, "I found you in the bathroom stall seizing and called 911. They couldn't get you out at first because the stall was locked, and we had to figure out a way to drag you out." She claims B was seizing off and on for a good 20 minutes.
B never did get to speak to the lady she hugged. She wished the woman could have found some empathy in her heart and treated her as a human being who had feelings.
The paramedics took B to Largo Med, and when they asked her who could come get her the first response was,
B- "My husband"
The people making the calls for her at the hospital told B that Saul was not willing, so B asked them to call Zane and luckily Zane came through for B. It seemed as though Zane was the only one person that cared. At least someone did.
When B was in the hospital lobby Mark Hannah, a news anchor, was on the TV blasting about all the cop killings.
B was thinking,
(Wow! How uncanny I used to go to school with that guy and here comes Zane another guy I went to school with. Then she recollected the dream she had slightly when she was unconscious. Are these just coincidences, or GOD are you trying to show me something?)
B- Mark you are the only person I have chosen to use their real name in this book so far. I really hope you get a chance to read this someday and give your input. Please have a heart and help an old friend figure out which platform I should display my work?
B had a day off from work, but the following day she showed up for her scheduled shift. She was told that she could take some time off if need be.
B mentioned to her boss, -
"I can't take any time off because I have two kid's to support and I can't afford to lose any time."
B continued to work her shift. As she sat there a muscle spasm began in her leg, probably due to the seizure the other day. B's body was showing signs of regression. She stood up from her chair to walk it off.
B's supervisor said,-
"What are you doing?"
B explained,-
"I am having muscle spasms in my leg. It is probably due to the seizure I had at work the other day."
The supervisor said, -
"If you're not in your seat taking calls then I am going to have to write you up."
B told her,- "You do what you have to do then."
Then B proceeded to take calls as she stood by her chair and stretched the ligament out. The next day B was terminated from her job for insubordination, even though she had a doctors note pertaining to her medical condition, and they were not willing to make any adaptations to work around her disability. Actually, they did just the opposite and made B's job that much harder for her to be productive. Like most of B's job's it was a miserable experience.
Now B has been trying to collect disability since 2012. She has been denied six times. She cannot seem to keep a job to save her life. She has been fired from 10 consecutive jobs now.
B- "Should I just give up and shoot myself now because I am finding it impossible to afford to live in this fucked up world?
It's not even worth it!
I hate gun's anyway.
I Just keep breathing and swimming.
I can't help the fact, that I feel like I am slowly drowning."
B was being discriminated against due to her disabilities for she struggled with ADHD and Epilepsy.
B- "We shall start with my work story because that is where I seemed to finally fall apart. I was so happy to finally be working as a call agent at 24/7 with Ulta being a phone receptionist. As I mentioned before at the end of June Missy, Saul, and Mama almost sabatoged my chances of even getting the job because they were trying me. They showed their true colors in how they felt towards me by not being cooperative with caring for the kid's while I worked."
B thought-
(She was left to fend for herself. Although she did push the kid's on Saul. B felt she had to in order to provide for them and get on her own two feet. Only, it was supposed to be a quick transition.)
Unfortunately, B's idea blew up in her face and a lot of people turned on her.
Once B got the job she took it and rolled with it. B did everything in her power to keep it. Even though it was a challenge every day, she still put up with all the bullshit that came along with the job and stuck to it.
The first incident was the training. There was a lot of material to remember, and B was barely passing the exams. She realized it would have been a lot easier for her to attain the information had she been on her Ritalin.
B: " Ritalin is a drug that I discovered 10 year's ago that helps me focus and manage my life better. It has been a never ending battle to attain this medication because it is a controlled substance, and a lot of psychiatrist are afraid to prescribe it to me because so many people abuse it, which sucks for me because I can't keep a job without it. I try to make due, but it is too challenging. I literally need this drug to maintain my life."
The company only hired B by default. Most of the people walked out of the training and gave up with the position because the job didn't pay enough to put up with the bullshit training at 6 am. When the program started there were at least 20 candidate's. Once the training was finished only 8 people remained. B was lucky enough to get shuffled through.
When B made it onto the floor she was having a hard time keeping up with the work load. She fell behind and was not able to note all her accounts properly. She kept getting written up for taking time out of her own breaks to stay on task. Finding little shortcuts here and there to catch up.
B felt the supervisors were setting her up for failure because she would go to her cubicle, and either the computer would be malfunctioning, or her headset would be missing. The floor supervisors were making snide remarks about her and pulling her off the floor to have meetings that would degrade her. It got to the point where B's health started deteriorating because she was not getting enough nourishment due to skipped breaks, and not getting an adequate amount of sleep due to stress. B felt like she had to overcompensate all the time just so she could keep her job, but put her needs to the wayside. Eventually she went and got a doctor's note so they would understand her health condition.
B: "I would just ignore them and do my work, but they made going to my job hell."
B tried to find ways to ask for accommodations in order to find relief for her learning disability. She sent a note to HR asking if it would be possible to have an assigned cubicle so she can log in and out of her computer without any trouble because she was not able to remember the 15 different passwords and all the employees were not allowed to have any paper or pens on the floor. The supervisors of course found a way to dismiss her request by making B the only one without an assigned cubicle; it was like a slap in the face. It seemed as if she couldn't catch a break no matter where she sat.
One day B was so happy because it seemed like one of the supervisors finally took the time to help her figure out an issue she was having. It finally seemed like someone in the department really cared for once, so she got excited hugged her and gave a little peck on the cheek, which in the Spanish culture showed a sign of gratitude.
Do you know the next day at work she was taken into HR and was written up for that? She couldn't understand and wanted to address it with the supervisor face to face, but they did not give her a chance to and demanded she go back to work.
B went back to her cubicle and tried to recollect her thoughts and felt she needed to explain herself to this woman that she must have offended. She asked her boss,
B- "Please if I may speak to this woman would it be inappropriate for me to apologize?"
B's boss explained to her,
"It is not the best time."
B told her, - "I feel I need some time to gather my thought's before I conduct my job."
She went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet crying and thought to herself.
(Never in my wildest dreams did I mean to sexually harass her. I was just trying to be kind.)
This really bothered B a lot, she started thinking.
(What is this world coming to if a person cannot even show gratitude? Well maybe I don't belong in such a world?)
At that moment B started hyperventilating wishing she was not in this world. Then her ears made a sound like a waterfall, and everything went completely black.
B felt herself in another dimension, and she was not sure where she was, it seemed as if she was in a highschool, but it was a different life. A better life that she wished she had, where people were generous and kind hearted. They made her feel loved and wanted........all of a sudden she woke up from this other life on the bathroom floor to the paramedics surrounding her, and a grotesque taste in her mouth which reminded her of taking a huge gulp of the ocean.
Later that evening B's neighbors sister came up to her and asked, "Are you alright?" She said, "I found you in the bathroom stall seizing and called 911. They couldn't get you out at first because the stall was locked, and we had to figure out a way to drag you out." She claims B was seizing off and on for a good 20 minutes.
B never did get to speak to the lady she hugged. She wished the woman could have found some empathy in her heart and treated her as a human being who had feelings.
The paramedics took B to Largo Med, and when they asked her who could come get her the first response was,
B- "My husband"
The people making the calls for her at the hospital told B that Saul was not willing, so B asked them to call Zane and luckily Zane came through for B. It seemed as though Zane was the only one person that cared. At least someone did.
When B was in the hospital lobby Mark Hannah, a news anchor, was on the TV blasting about all the cop killings.
B was thinking,
(Wow! How uncanny I used to go to school with that guy and here comes Zane another guy I went to school with. Then she recollected the dream she had slightly when she was unconscious. Are these just coincidences, or GOD are you trying to show me something?)
B- Mark you are the only person I have chosen to use their real name in this book so far. I really hope you get a chance to read this someday and give your input. Please have a heart and help an old friend figure out which platform I should display my work?
B had a day off from work, but the following day she showed up for her scheduled shift. She was told that she could take some time off if need be.
B mentioned to her boss, -
"I can't take any time off because I have two kid's to support and I can't afford to lose any time."
B continued to work her shift. As she sat there a muscle spasm began in her leg, probably due to the seizure the other day. B's body was showing signs of regression. She stood up from her chair to walk it off.
B's supervisor said,-
"What are you doing?"
B explained,-
"I am having muscle spasms in my leg. It is probably due to the seizure I had at work the other day."
The supervisor said, -
"If you're not in your seat taking calls then I am going to have to write you up."
B told her,- "You do what you have to do then."
Then B proceeded to take calls as she stood by her chair and stretched the ligament out. The next day B was terminated from her job for insubordination, even though she had a doctors note pertaining to her medical condition, and they were not willing to make any adaptations to work around her disability. Actually, they did just the opposite and made B's job that much harder for her to be productive. Like most of B's job's it was a miserable experience.
Now B has been trying to collect disability since 2012. She has been denied six times. She cannot seem to keep a job to save her life. She has been fired from 10 consecutive jobs now.
B- "Should I just give up and shoot myself now because I am finding it impossible to afford to live in this fucked up world?
It's not even worth it!
I hate gun's anyway.
I Just keep breathing and swimming.
I can't help the fact, that I feel like I am slowly drowning."
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Chapter 44- Inspirational Creativity (just scroll all the way down to read. Editing is being a bitch)
Bea became inspired to write again and to create lyrics. She had the urge to branch out and collaborate with other musicians to blend these lyrics with others music. Bea started blending her lyrics over other musician's tracks on soundcloud and discovered her creative collaborative expression and this felt liberating.
Bea then began to question herself. Whatever happened to my dream of becoming a singer?
Bea prayed about it and GOD answered her by calling her back in and showing me that it is never too late. Bea realized then that what she needed was to move forward and embrace her gift to transcend a very important message that needed to be heard.
Lyrics and melody's started coming out of nowhere. She would be in the shower and a song would come to her. She had to jump out of the shower and write it down before she forgot it, until Bea realized that she could use her voice recorder to catch the lyrics. It was like she was encompassing a spiritual awakening, and she desired to share it with the world. How? Was the question.
Bea started branching out and meeting other musicians in the community. One gentleman, Clyde, she met on first Friday in St. Petersburg. He was already becoming a prominent musician there. Bea decided to call him and get together to see if she still had the spark to perform.
She first set out on her journey to a hot spot called Mad Hatters Ethnobotanical Tea Bar, which was the first kava and karaton bar she had ever encountered. That place has an amazing staff and very inviting atmosphere. She got a hooka and found the expertise of the staff helpful and highly recommend for anyone first trying kava. They made it a very chill experience.
As she sat enjoying the ambiance and the hooka that was purchased, a young gentleman approached her. I don't recall his name, but he shared with her his gift of musical expression as well, and Bea asked him if he wanted to perform with her tonight. He agreed and we learned a song by Deelite, Grove Is In The Heart.
She sent a text message to Clyde...
B: What club you at again?
Clyde: Heading to ringside right now, 2nd and central.
Bea told her friend and they both jumped on the scooter and headed downtown. They both sat at the bar and Bea shot Clyde another text.
B: I'm here now
Clyde : Where are you? Haha..I'm sitting out front, didn't see you inside. I guess text me when you're really there lol...
Bea looked around and didn't see him. Bea thought to herself.... is this a joke? Well I will step outside and scope it out.
Bea didn't see Clyde and sent him another text.
B: Im outside. Where r you?
Finally Clyde walked into the bar and Bea reconnected with him. He told me her his band was not able to play the song she selected and Bea kind of felt bad that she had dragged this boy here to help her sing it.
Then Clyde pulled her over to the side and asked her; "What is he doing here?" She told him; "Well he is going to sing the song with me." Clyde retorted, "You don't want to be hanging around that kind of riff raff it will present a bad image." I respected his opinion, but it did sound kind of prejudice of him.
Bea stepped on his stage and sang Me And Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin and then Clyde asked her if she can sing anything else. Bea rambled off a bunch of other songs she knew and he picked a song by George Michael, Faith.
Bea felt very comfortable and in her element on that stage. It finally seemed as if she found her calling. The only question now was, who is going to be my band? Clyde had already developed his own band so in actuality he was Bea's competition and after hearing her sing I believe he began to realize that as well, but he did give Bea some pertinent advice. Clyde told Bea, "B, you need to take the time to get to know your own sound and music. Put on your headphones and play it over and over until you feel what your singing, and believe the message your willing to portray."
After Bea left the ringside and drove my friend back home Bea kept thinking about the advice Clyde gave her and she acknowledged his theory to be genuine and true. That is exactly what Bea did and she followed up with a text message to thank him.
B: Hey Clyde, I just wanted to say Thank you very much for inviting me to your gig last night. Not many musicians allow that especially lead singers in bands. I really appreciate it, I do. I really needed an outlet and it felt awesome. I feel like my old self again. I should start working on some creative songs of my own. Anytime you make an appearance please text me and I'll try to make It. Thanks again B
Bea's experience was very genuine. Her creative music venture blossomed from there
Bea was so inspired and feeling all her emotions intensely. All her happiness, sadness excitement, triump, courage, and strength. She had a vision of her old dreams submerging to the surface.
Bea became inspired to write again and to create lyrics. She had the urge to branch out and collaborate with other musicians to blend these lyrics with others music. Bea started blending her lyrics over other musician's tracks on soundcloud and discovered her creative collaborative expression and this felt liberating.
Bea then began to question herself. Whatever happened to my dream of becoming a singer?
Bea prayed about it and GOD answered her by calling her back in and showing me that it is never too late. Bea realized then that what she needed was to move forward and embrace her gift to transcend a very important message that needed to be heard.
Lyrics and melody's started coming out of nowhere. She would be in the shower and a song would come to her. She had to jump out of the shower and write it down before she forgot it, until Bea realized that she could use her voice recorder to catch the lyrics. It was like she was encompassing a spiritual awakening, and she desired to share it with the world. How? Was the question.
Bea started branching out and meeting other musicians in the community. One gentleman, Clyde, she met on first Friday in St. Petersburg. He was already becoming a prominent musician there. Bea decided to call him and get together to see if she still had the spark to perform.
She first set out on her journey to a hot spot called Mad Hatters Ethnobotanical Tea Bar, which was the first kava and karaton bar she had ever encountered. That place has an amazing staff and very inviting atmosphere. She got a hooka and found the expertise of the staff helpful and highly recommend for anyone first trying kava. They made it a very chill experience.
As she sat enjoying the ambiance and the hooka that was purchased, a young gentleman approached her. I don't recall his name, but he shared with her his gift of musical expression as well, and Bea asked him if he wanted to perform with her tonight. He agreed and we learned a song by Deelite, Grove Is In The Heart.
She sent a text message to Clyde...
B: What club you at again?
Clyde: Heading to ringside right now, 2nd and central.
Bea told her friend and they both jumped on the scooter and headed downtown. They both sat at the bar and Bea shot Clyde another text.
B: I'm here now
Clyde : Where are you? Haha..I'm sitting out front, didn't see you inside. I guess text me when you're really there lol...
Bea looked around and didn't see him. Bea thought to herself.... is this a joke? Well I will step outside and scope it out.
Bea didn't see Clyde and sent him another text.
B: Im outside. Where r you?
Finally Clyde walked into the bar and Bea reconnected with him. He told me her his band was not able to play the song she selected and Bea kind of felt bad that she had dragged this boy here to help her sing it.
Then Clyde pulled her over to the side and asked her; "What is he doing here?" She told him; "Well he is going to sing the song with me." Clyde retorted, "You don't want to be hanging around that kind of riff raff it will present a bad image." I respected his opinion, but it did sound kind of prejudice of him.
Bea stepped on his stage and sang Me And Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin and then Clyde asked her if she can sing anything else. Bea rambled off a bunch of other songs she knew and he picked a song by George Michael, Faith.
Bea felt very comfortable and in her element on that stage. It finally seemed as if she found her calling. The only question now was, who is going to be my band? Clyde had already developed his own band so in actuality he was Bea's competition and after hearing her sing I believe he began to realize that as well, but he did give Bea some pertinent advice. Clyde told Bea, "B, you need to take the time to get to know your own sound and music. Put on your headphones and play it over and over until you feel what your singing, and believe the message your willing to portray."
After Bea left the ringside and drove my friend back home Bea kept thinking about the advice Clyde gave her and she acknowledged his theory to be genuine and true. That is exactly what Bea did and she followed up with a text message to thank him.
B: Hey Clyde, I just wanted to say Thank you very much for inviting me to your gig last night. Not many musicians allow that especially lead singers in bands. I really appreciate it, I do. I really needed an outlet and it felt awesome. I feel like my old self again. I should start working on some creative songs of my own. Anytime you make an appearance please text me and I'll try to make It. Thanks again B
Bea's experience was very genuine. Her creative music venture blossomed from there
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Chapter 43- Still pleading for his love.
06/04/2015
Text messages to B from Saul.
B: I'm driving
Saul: r u coming home?
B: of course.....I know you have to work. Don't worry about me I'm fine.
I just need to process everything we just talked about.
I'm sorry.
Try to get some sleep.
Nowhere and everywhere.
I'm just riding.
ditto
Saul: Cant sleep just thinking about you cant help it, sorry that i luv u.
can u plz answer the phone.
B: just let me be. I don't hate you.
(When I finally got home Saul and I had a heart to heart. I think he thought I was going to change my mind about our breakup. I told him that I didn't mind us staying friends and if he wanted to go to downtown St. Pete for first night we could go out as friends. He agreed to it.)
06/05/2015
Text messages from B to Primo......
B: Good morning sunshine. Do you want to go to the beach with me and the kids?
Babycakes! You are the cutest little babycakes.....you are the cutest little baby face I've seen on Earth. BABY CAKES.
I want them all to myself.
LOL!!!!
(I recalled what Primo said to me last night and it played over again and again, but I just didn't want to give up because I know in my heart he really did love me. I began to make a list of Pro's and con's to really get to the bottom of whether pursuing this relationship would be a good thing for me or not. I am aware how love can make someone blind, and I really needed to be genuine with Primo. So I started rationalizing and drawing up a list as well as texting it to Primo throughout the day and on my outing downtown that night with Saul. I was kind of hoping that Saul would get the hint that I was not there with him. In the meantime I wanted to convince Primo to be with me instead.)
Text messages to Primo from B........
B: Pro- I have a magic pussy and from here on out it belongs to you and only you. You hear me bicho?
B: Con- I don't give it up that easily, especially when I am upset about something other than sex. When I am mad about not being on the receiving end then u better look out for mad, heated, passionate love making, which Saul and I never had in 10 years.
Do you believe that?
In a whole decade I have never had unpredictable heated sex with your brother EVER!
It's a sign.
B: We are going to party it up tonight down to 1st night St. Petersburg.
Friday night doggy dog.
Getting jiggy wit it.
Why don't you come with us?
I can prove my loyalty to you.
I'm loving being single for now till you tell me otherwise.
la loo.
B: PRO- You don't have to ever worry about no baby mama drama. I would never press charges or put u back in jail. I love you too much to hurt you.
B: CON- I can never have any children ever again. My tubes were burned so it would be a miracle. That can b a pro for u 2.
B: PRO- we can fullfill all our dreams and fantasies together and have the greatest times of our lives and be really happy. Just the two of us.
B: CON- I have to find a babysitter at times.
PRO- I was thinking of taking a vacation soon, hopefully with you and me alone. Someplace adventurous and exotic. I am overdo for one the last time I went anywhere was 9 yrs ago. Too long.
B: We are here. Donde esta punta? Jammin down to hardcore house music. I'm chilling by the dj taken a break. The streets are totally packed. I told Saul we are only here as friends.
B: PRO- I am good especially when I feel my man is taking care of my needs.
B: CON- The way I keep my house reflects my moods. So if I am a mess, you can count on my house being a mess.
A good home maker. Not as good as Mamita of course, but at least I try.
06/06/2015
B: PRO- I 'll baby you immensly and I will never stop.
CON- Just because I baby you doesn't mean I am going to allow you to boss me around all the time. I am always going to be my own woman. Won't have it any way, but very flexible especially if you ask me very sweetly in exchange for a kiss.
B: any other way....I love kissing your lips.
B: PRO- I can fullfill every desire sexually even let u stick it up the pooper but you have to take it slow.
B: CON- I really don't care for anal sex but ONLY for you I'll try anything once ok maybe twice that's IF you can get me in the mood. I love it when your in control:)
B: PRO- I have fair credit so all I have to do is establish I have enough income coming in and then I can get a $200,000 loan for a brand new home just for us and the kids. Imagine us walking around naked on the weekend when the kids are with their dad. I'll make you anything you want to eat while I serve you in some sexy outfit with high heels on. I can wash and massage your feet with lotion while you sit back relax and smoke a blunt.
B: CON- Don't expect this shit everyday. I refuse to show any PDA in front of the fams it makes everyone uncomfortable. I aim to be respectful always especially in front our parents. But behind closed door's, it's on!
B: Your brother just got a text that New needs to talk to u ok Baby cakes I got your back.
Primo: What?
B: Saul said it was one of your friends. He called pretending to b you. We r leaving downtown now. Where you been baby? I missed you today.
(It was nice to know that I had his attention. He must be contemplating everything I am saying and I have to be making him horny right about now, I know what my loverboy need's. I certainly aim to please:)
B: PR0: I can help you be a better man if you let me my luv. Help you with transportation, food, love, your kids, ( I am actually wearing a pair of Micah's socks right now. I am surprised they even fit me. I love her like my own.) Remember when we took Her and Pat to the ice rink and she was skating.. That was a special moment. I am glad I was able to share it with you. Watching you skate was so fascinating!!!
CON- We would have to explain to the kids at some point that we were together, but I am sure they would get over it once they saw how happy we made eachother. I would like to someday do the honorable thing and not sneak around the ones we love whenever we are ready or sure of what will or may become.
B: PRO- Your family already knows and loves me.
CON- They may have a hard time trusting us. They already don't trust you so the only difference is that YOU don't have to be the black sheep solo. Once they see the change in our ways I think they will be appreciative of our union.
B: PRO- I will make you feel like the king you are and you will feel like a better Man. I know I can make a difference in your life, I am pretty sure I already have in some ways although you may not want to give me any credit. That's ok cuz I know I have. I am very perceptive when it comes to you. I always have been.
CON- l know you find me annoying. But this is my final attempt to plead my case. At least I am far from boring. Never a dull moment.
B: PRO- I want to shut your brother UP once and for all. He always thinks he is so much better than you. Always talkin shit about you to me. I hate that cuz it is so two faced. When your present he is all kind to you. As soon he gets behind your back he's ranting about your misfortunes.
CON- I would never do you dirty like that. If I have a problem with you I will tell you straight, no lies. It's really no body else's business what you do. So you don't have to worry. I am a woman of my word. Remember how I told you I would give you the Mustang someday, well it is yours if you're with me. I am going to try and convince you to get your license first before letting you drive it but I know that is not gonna happen.
B: PRO- I will always let you be your own man. I have no intentions of changing you. I love you just the way you are. I have learned to accept the way you are. Honestly I know you have the desire to do bigger and better things. So do I and I know you would support me and I will always support you too. Your #1 fan. We ride together , we shall die together, silver back gorilla baby.
CON- My crazy cheering might get on your nerves every now and again. As long as you let me in on what your doing. I'll try to support you anyway I can 110%.
You know I am capable of it.
B: CON- I know I am a little overweight, but I have been working on it.
PRO- I've been running, doing crunches, yoga,.eating less, yoga, pillates, kick boxing, swiming, dancing. I would like to try working out at the MMA gym with you. Maybe introduce me to some people, become a fighter. If you keep turning me down like this I might actually get enough determination to knock the living daylights outta someone. I'M pretty open, the possibilities are endless with me. All I know is I am down for whatever.
CON- I may eventually get so ripped I might be able to kick your ass even. Yeah right. You'll probably kick me in my gum again make me bleed. Hey I gotta learn to defend myself someday.
B: PRO- I love animals so yes you can have a dog. I suggest getting a Siberian Husky. I love them.
CON: Don't expect me to take care of it though. You want it then you need to be responsible for it. I will be responsible for my cat then and the kids of course will probably help.
B: PRO- I will make you soup when your sick and put bandages on your boo boos, a cold cloth on your head, get your medication with your water, even wipe your ass if you're incapable, and tuck you into bed.
CON: I refuse to break the law for you. I have a clean record and I don't need any problems. Keep that diabolical nonsense away from me, our home, and the kids. We are your safety net so if you decide you want to fuck me over you must realize your only setting yourself up for failure. The choices you make effect all of us. For instance say your on a boat and you put a rip in it, well the natural consequences is that your bound to set yourself back and your gonna lose time, money, and patience. You don't really want that do you? I think we have already lost enough time as it is and I truly don't wish to lose not even one more second with you.
It's funny....this whole time I've been dancing, smoking, drinking, mingling, and singing I still would rather just be cuddling up in bed with you instead. I am surprised I was able to write this novel. Since you entered into my life you have inspired me to get my creative juices flowing. I feel alive again. It's been a very long time since I felt this way. I think I lost myself when I was with your brother. I had an epiphany one day because my therapist encouraged me to go for it and tell you how I really felt and now I feel so liberated. I'm happier than I have ever been. You helped me see the light and I hope I can do the same for you darling. I just hope I haven't missed out on my opportunity to really have my chance by your side. If there ever was a chance GOD please let it be now. Allow me into your little shell of a head you crab.
B: Ok well I guess I am going to lay on my couch and pass the fuck out. I hope you're staying out of trouble. Buenos noches papi. Te amo mi amore.
Lator that morning....
B: Hello?
B: Fuck I still can't sleep.....too much shit in my head. This would be so much easier if you just hear me out. Instead of writing to you constantly and getting no response. Perhaps I can teach you something about the English language and you can show me the sign language alphabet and Spanish.
B: All I know is that Saul doesn't want to let me go, and can you blame him? NO! Every time I try to shake him he finds a way to push himself back into my life. Yeah, we have been very disloyal and untrusting with eachother. Which, as you can see, has destroyed any love I had for him.
I don't want that distrust between us.
I need you to trust that I will be loyal to you.
Can you forgive me and move past all the stupid bullshit and start loving me?
I just need your love boo.
B: In our past we would have never worked because you would have never taken the time to get to really know me. Now it's been a whole decade and you have always been honest with me, respectful, loyal, and kind. I VALUE YOUR OPINION. I know you have been testing me. I can't seem to understand why if I'm dead to you. I made a huge sacrifice for you 3 weeks ago I was married and now I am legally seperated if that doesn't give you the green light I don't know what else. I need you to take care of me and keep me close to you safe and warm. I hate the thought of being without you. I don't think I'll be able to sleep peacefully until I am nestled on your chest.
Primo: yo what u doing?
B: I am putting everything out there for you,
so you can decide if you really want what I am offering you,
and only you.
Yoooooooo whooo still there?
I got those cigarettes.
please don't block me I really need you now. I need my smoking buddy. I promise I won't touch you.
fine I guess I 'll smoke them all myself. Since you don't want to share.
Babycakes!
watchya doin?
I miss you.
I still can't sleep. I am going to get a tele. Wanna join?
I need some sleep......I need to cuddle. honey.
Primo: where u at?
B: chillun
Primo: where?
B: about to pass the fuck out on my girl friends couch.
Primo: ok
B: Where are you boo?
Primo: just got home
B: in for the night baby.
Primo: k
B: Or do you wanna chill with me?
Primo: if u up
B: I can braid your hair.
Primo: where u at?
B: Why you wanna know where I am? I thought you didn't care about me?
Primo: U right
B: Excuse me Mr. Primo Coronado Sanchez.
Primo: What u doing?
B: Why you wanna see me Primo?
Primo: I justring to see what u doing
where u at
B: I wanna do you.
Primo: k
B: I'm hiding out at my friends house in Largo.
Primo: ok...........so
B: ok meaning ok lets go?
Primo: sure
B: meet me at the pool fool.
Primo: k
B: call me from papas phone.
Primo: k
I was really at my girlfriends boyfriend's house trying to crash on his couch. I was trying to avoid being around Saul so he starts to get the picture. I was reluctant to leave because it was already pretty late and my friend said that if I leave I couldn't come knocking later. So I understood that I was losing my bed for the night and taking a risk for a booty call, but for me it was worth it. So I hoped on my scooter and headed to Primo.
B: Is your brother with you?
Primo: No...where u at?
B: why haven't you called me yet sucka?
Primo: fu
B: where are you?
I'm at the pool staring up at the stars.
Primo you have to come see this sky is so beautiful.
Baby cakes, you are the cutest little babyface I've ever seen on Earth.
..............................................................
I waited at the pool which seemed like forever. I was praying that he had a change of heart for me. Finally he was coming to his senses. When I got to his parents apartment I knocked on the door very lightly...no answer....he must have fallen asleep. .. I knocked a little harder. I could hear him coughing and thought awww my poor baby must be sick. I walked away and thought of something I could do to take care of him and make him feel better.
06/07/2015
B: I waited for you all night. That made me really sad Primo. I sat on the ground in front of your door again and you wouldn't let me in. Not nice!
Please don't do that to me again. Are you sick my love? Please let me take care of you. I got you a little care package because I know your not feeling well. In there you will find some chicken soup, some cigarettes but not much cuz I was chain smoking last btw all your fault, there's also a script I take sometimes for stomach relief. It's called Omeprazole this will help coat your stomach and keep you from having acid reflux. See although I don't have a pot to piss in I will always find a way to take care of you and I am praying that you will take good care of me too, soon. Oh yeah I got you crackers for the soup.
B: I am going out to get a new job today so I can get you more nice things.
B: I love you papi and I am going to prove to you just how much.
B: Te amo mi amor
I went to his place again and seeing that he wasn't home I threw the bag up on top of his balcony.
B: Did you get my care package baby? Did you notice the other day when I said baby both you and Saul responded? That's when I realized that you loved me. We have been doing this crazy dance for a whole decade. I am tired of pretending babycakes. Your going to have to man up and admit it to yourself.
B: Be a man and own it! Stop being a little pussy......I love You and I plan on taking very good care of us and the kids.
06/08/2015
B: I miss you papito.
I wish we could go for a Ride...makeout where ever you wanna go.
you so sexy primo yo te queiro.
I miss your babyface with your sweet dimples mi amor.
your crazy ways and style.. I even like your little temper tantrums.
my pet. I want to hold you boo.
I 'm luv sick. Ease my sorry heart. I miss you so.
Hasta manana muy Papi.
06/09/2015
B: Good morning papito.
I finally got some sleep it's been almost 5 days since I've gotten more than 3 hours of sleep.
I still can't eat. I wish you would feed me. Be with me boo. I know this relationship seems impossible but in time all this hype will die down and we can lay low for awhile. I am looking into saving more money for our dream house. I have a little over $1000. I assume a couple more thousand and we will be good to go.
let me know what I can do to hold you in my arms. Please I want you in my life sweetie.
B: I know your hurting honey, I am hurting too. We don't have to. Just come clean, you will be so glad you did. We have been harboring this guilt for years. It is coming out now because it's time to allow ourselves to be able to make one another happy. I am not listening to them it's not their call to make. It's ours. Feel ashamed a little and speak from the heart. That's what I did with Saul and they'll understand someday that we were destined to be if they haven't noticed already which I am pretty sure they have. When our eyes meet and the way we blush.
B: Saul was the man between us, not the other way around. You just got beat to the punch. your only downfall right now is your cowardice pussy way your being. You could have had me from hello, but you didn't ever assure me that you wanted me. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want. Is that what you really want? I am going to see my family soon. I would love to bring you with us. My mom is worried about me. I have a few places we can stay. I'm going for the 4th. I hope you come. We'll be back by August.
B: Don't be sad papito. I don't like to see you like this. Let me in and I'll kiss that heart of yours and make it all better. We have an opportunity for a fresh start together. The only thing holding you back, is YOU. Your family will forgive you they always do, you need to put your foot down and fight for me now if you want there to be an us. Carpe Diem, which means seize the day. Don't be afraid and don't delay, nothing can seize you, and no one will please you the way I will honey, be the man I know you could be.
B: Show some confidence that well overcome all this and be together. I know you got it in you. Please, no more police, no more drama, just be real and it's not your fault the heart wants what it wants no matter how crazy it sounds you should never fight it. Just embrace it cuz your luck is changing and I am waiting for you at the finish line. I'll help you lick your wounds and be faithful to you and only you.
Well I proved my love to you as much as I could. This is your last chance to make things right in our lives. Maybe I have too much faith in you and I am being overly optimistic, but I can't help loving you.
B: Please don't keep me in the dark let me in and tell me how your feeling. I am a great listener. I need this in order to move on. I am staying at Hogans this weekend. I would like it if you join me so we can work this out.
B: Just have faith my love.
B: Baby cakes, How long had it been since you made love? It seems like an eternity. Please lets not waste anymore time. I'm waiting eagerly for you, sweet dreams. If you have a chance to sneak out and steal the key to the scooter and visit me tonight.. Its my scooter. I have the title right here in my name so your safe babe. I'm wicked horny.
B: Pretty please with whip cream on top and a cherry. I have ice cream and a nice comfy bed with NetFlix and smokes. I'm been craving you for five months and I am about to burst honey.
B: Missy is out for the night. The kids are asleep and I am all by my lonesome and I want you so bad that my naa naa is clenching with fire. I am going to rock your world babycakes. I am preparing the naa naa to your eating. I wish you were here instead of there.
B: I want you so bad it hurts.
just come tapping on my window. Maybe pull a Christina.
LOL!
B: Oh shit, Missy is home in her room.
B: I'm watching a movie. Have you ever seen The Bible?
B: She just told me that her uncle passed away and she is taking a trip to Atlanta. House will be my oyster soon. Don't believe everything you hear from Saul. He is talking out of his ass.
Although the both of them are liars and fibbers.
B: Just come papi.
B: Park the scooter down the street and walk through the backyard gate. Come through the back, but b super quite so the bitch doesn't hear you. She suspect's something because I'm wearing something sexy to bed.
you will definitely likey. I hope you come soon cuz I am about to fall asleep. I don't care just wake me. I am going to take a power nap.
...........................................................
I did take a nap and when I woke up no sign of Primo.
B: I'm missing you.
Another lonesome night without my boo to cuddle up to.
Sweet dreams Jellybeans.
B: I wish you felt the same way about me that I feel for you. It is a shame that we may never be together. I guess I must have been wrong about you. I am sure there must be some gorgeous creature out there for me. I was just hoping it was you.
B: Dueces mi amore.
When I woke up that morning I was surprised to see a sign. There was a beautiful fresh flower laying on the dining room table. I asked Missy if she put it there and she had not. It had to of been Primo. What did he come in and watch me sleep and not woken me up?
I thought ok..... He must b shy. I will give him another chance. Since I know that fresh flowers are usually his signature trademark.
B: The back door is unlocked. I'm waiting.
No sign of him. I was beginning to feel a little hopeless. My birthday was right around the corner and I was dreading being alone.
Text messages to B from Saul.
B: I'm driving
Saul: r u coming home?
B: of course.....I know you have to work. Don't worry about me I'm fine.
I just need to process everything we just talked about.
I'm sorry.
Try to get some sleep.
Nowhere and everywhere.
I'm just riding.
ditto
Saul: Cant sleep just thinking about you cant help it, sorry that i luv u.
can u plz answer the phone.
B: just let me be. I don't hate you.
(When I finally got home Saul and I had a heart to heart. I think he thought I was going to change my mind about our breakup. I told him that I didn't mind us staying friends and if he wanted to go to downtown St. Pete for first night we could go out as friends. He agreed to it.)
06/05/2015
Text messages from B to Primo......
B: Good morning sunshine. Do you want to go to the beach with me and the kids?
Babycakes! You are the cutest little babycakes.....you are the cutest little baby face I've seen on Earth. BABY CAKES.
I want them all to myself.
LOL!!!!
(I recalled what Primo said to me last night and it played over again and again, but I just didn't want to give up because I know in my heart he really did love me. I began to make a list of Pro's and con's to really get to the bottom of whether pursuing this relationship would be a good thing for me or not. I am aware how love can make someone blind, and I really needed to be genuine with Primo. So I started rationalizing and drawing up a list as well as texting it to Primo throughout the day and on my outing downtown that night with Saul. I was kind of hoping that Saul would get the hint that I was not there with him. In the meantime I wanted to convince Primo to be with me instead.)
Text messages to Primo from B........
B: Pro- I have a magic pussy and from here on out it belongs to you and only you. You hear me bicho?
B: Con- I don't give it up that easily, especially when I am upset about something other than sex. When I am mad about not being on the receiving end then u better look out for mad, heated, passionate love making, which Saul and I never had in 10 years.
Do you believe that?
In a whole decade I have never had unpredictable heated sex with your brother EVER!
It's a sign.
B: We are going to party it up tonight down to 1st night St. Petersburg.
Friday night doggy dog.
Getting jiggy wit it.
Why don't you come with us?
I can prove my loyalty to you.
I'm loving being single for now till you tell me otherwise.
la loo.
B: PRO- You don't have to ever worry about no baby mama drama. I would never press charges or put u back in jail. I love you too much to hurt you.
B: CON- I can never have any children ever again. My tubes were burned so it would be a miracle. That can b a pro for u 2.
B: PRO- we can fullfill all our dreams and fantasies together and have the greatest times of our lives and be really happy. Just the two of us.
B: CON- I have to find a babysitter at times.
PRO- I was thinking of taking a vacation soon, hopefully with you and me alone. Someplace adventurous and exotic. I am overdo for one the last time I went anywhere was 9 yrs ago. Too long.
B: We are here. Donde esta punta? Jammin down to hardcore house music. I'm chilling by the dj taken a break. The streets are totally packed. I told Saul we are only here as friends.
B: PRO- I am good especially when I feel my man is taking care of my needs.
B: CON- The way I keep my house reflects my moods. So if I am a mess, you can count on my house being a mess.
A good home maker. Not as good as Mamita of course, but at least I try.
06/06/2015
B: PRO- I 'll baby you immensly and I will never stop.
CON- Just because I baby you doesn't mean I am going to allow you to boss me around all the time. I am always going to be my own woman. Won't have it any way, but very flexible especially if you ask me very sweetly in exchange for a kiss.
B: any other way....I love kissing your lips.
B: PRO- I can fullfill every desire sexually even let u stick it up the pooper but you have to take it slow.
B: CON- I really don't care for anal sex but ONLY for you I'll try anything once ok maybe twice that's IF you can get me in the mood. I love it when your in control:)
B: PRO- I have fair credit so all I have to do is establish I have enough income coming in and then I can get a $200,000 loan for a brand new home just for us and the kids. Imagine us walking around naked on the weekend when the kids are with their dad. I'll make you anything you want to eat while I serve you in some sexy outfit with high heels on. I can wash and massage your feet with lotion while you sit back relax and smoke a blunt.
B: CON- Don't expect this shit everyday. I refuse to show any PDA in front of the fams it makes everyone uncomfortable. I aim to be respectful always especially in front our parents. But behind closed door's, it's on!
B: Your brother just got a text that New needs to talk to u ok Baby cakes I got your back.
Primo: What?
B: Saul said it was one of your friends. He called pretending to b you. We r leaving downtown now. Where you been baby? I missed you today.
(It was nice to know that I had his attention. He must be contemplating everything I am saying and I have to be making him horny right about now, I know what my loverboy need's. I certainly aim to please:)
B: PR0: I can help you be a better man if you let me my luv. Help you with transportation, food, love, your kids, ( I am actually wearing a pair of Micah's socks right now. I am surprised they even fit me. I love her like my own.) Remember when we took Her and Pat to the ice rink and she was skating.. That was a special moment. I am glad I was able to share it with you. Watching you skate was so fascinating!!!
CON- We would have to explain to the kids at some point that we were together, but I am sure they would get over it once they saw how happy we made eachother. I would like to someday do the honorable thing and not sneak around the ones we love whenever we are ready or sure of what will or may become.
B: PRO- Your family already knows and loves me.
CON- They may have a hard time trusting us. They already don't trust you so the only difference is that YOU don't have to be the black sheep solo. Once they see the change in our ways I think they will be appreciative of our union.
B: PRO- I will make you feel like the king you are and you will feel like a better Man. I know I can make a difference in your life, I am pretty sure I already have in some ways although you may not want to give me any credit. That's ok cuz I know I have. I am very perceptive when it comes to you. I always have been.
CON- l know you find me annoying. But this is my final attempt to plead my case. At least I am far from boring. Never a dull moment.
B: PRO- I want to shut your brother UP once and for all. He always thinks he is so much better than you. Always talkin shit about you to me. I hate that cuz it is so two faced. When your present he is all kind to you. As soon he gets behind your back he's ranting about your misfortunes.
CON- I would never do you dirty like that. If I have a problem with you I will tell you straight, no lies. It's really no body else's business what you do. So you don't have to worry. I am a woman of my word. Remember how I told you I would give you the Mustang someday, well it is yours if you're with me. I am going to try and convince you to get your license first before letting you drive it but I know that is not gonna happen.
B: PRO- I will always let you be your own man. I have no intentions of changing you. I love you just the way you are. I have learned to accept the way you are. Honestly I know you have the desire to do bigger and better things. So do I and I know you would support me and I will always support you too. Your #1 fan. We ride together , we shall die together, silver back gorilla baby.
CON- My crazy cheering might get on your nerves every now and again. As long as you let me in on what your doing. I'll try to support you anyway I can 110%.
You know I am capable of it.
B: CON- I know I am a little overweight, but I have been working on it.
PRO- I've been running, doing crunches, yoga,.eating less, yoga, pillates, kick boxing, swiming, dancing. I would like to try working out at the MMA gym with you. Maybe introduce me to some people, become a fighter. If you keep turning me down like this I might actually get enough determination to knock the living daylights outta someone. I'M pretty open, the possibilities are endless with me. All I know is I am down for whatever.
CON- I may eventually get so ripped I might be able to kick your ass even. Yeah right. You'll probably kick me in my gum again make me bleed. Hey I gotta learn to defend myself someday.
B: PRO- I love animals so yes you can have a dog. I suggest getting a Siberian Husky. I love them.
CON: Don't expect me to take care of it though. You want it then you need to be responsible for it. I will be responsible for my cat then and the kids of course will probably help.
B: PRO- I will make you soup when your sick and put bandages on your boo boos, a cold cloth on your head, get your medication with your water, even wipe your ass if you're incapable, and tuck you into bed.
CON: I refuse to break the law for you. I have a clean record and I don't need any problems. Keep that diabolical nonsense away from me, our home, and the kids. We are your safety net so if you decide you want to fuck me over you must realize your only setting yourself up for failure. The choices you make effect all of us. For instance say your on a boat and you put a rip in it, well the natural consequences is that your bound to set yourself back and your gonna lose time, money, and patience. You don't really want that do you? I think we have already lost enough time as it is and I truly don't wish to lose not even one more second with you.
It's funny....this whole time I've been dancing, smoking, drinking, mingling, and singing I still would rather just be cuddling up in bed with you instead. I am surprised I was able to write this novel. Since you entered into my life you have inspired me to get my creative juices flowing. I feel alive again. It's been a very long time since I felt this way. I think I lost myself when I was with your brother. I had an epiphany one day because my therapist encouraged me to go for it and tell you how I really felt and now I feel so liberated. I'm happier than I have ever been. You helped me see the light and I hope I can do the same for you darling. I just hope I haven't missed out on my opportunity to really have my chance by your side. If there ever was a chance GOD please let it be now. Allow me into your little shell of a head you crab.
B: Ok well I guess I am going to lay on my couch and pass the fuck out. I hope you're staying out of trouble. Buenos noches papi. Te amo mi amore.
Lator that morning....
B: Hello?
B: Fuck I still can't sleep.....too much shit in my head. This would be so much easier if you just hear me out. Instead of writing to you constantly and getting no response. Perhaps I can teach you something about the English language and you can show me the sign language alphabet and Spanish.
B: All I know is that Saul doesn't want to let me go, and can you blame him? NO! Every time I try to shake him he finds a way to push himself back into my life. Yeah, we have been very disloyal and untrusting with eachother. Which, as you can see, has destroyed any love I had for him.
I don't want that distrust between us.
I need you to trust that I will be loyal to you.
Can you forgive me and move past all the stupid bullshit and start loving me?
I just need your love boo.
B: In our past we would have never worked because you would have never taken the time to get to really know me. Now it's been a whole decade and you have always been honest with me, respectful, loyal, and kind. I VALUE YOUR OPINION. I know you have been testing me. I can't seem to understand why if I'm dead to you. I made a huge sacrifice for you 3 weeks ago I was married and now I am legally seperated if that doesn't give you the green light I don't know what else. I need you to take care of me and keep me close to you safe and warm. I hate the thought of being without you. I don't think I'll be able to sleep peacefully until I am nestled on your chest.
Primo: yo what u doing?
B: I am putting everything out there for you,
so you can decide if you really want what I am offering you,
and only you.
Yoooooooo whooo still there?
I got those cigarettes.
please don't block me I really need you now. I need my smoking buddy. I promise I won't touch you.
fine I guess I 'll smoke them all myself. Since you don't want to share.
Babycakes!
watchya doin?
I miss you.
I still can't sleep. I am going to get a tele. Wanna join?
I need some sleep......I need to cuddle. honey.
Primo: where u at?
B: chillun
Primo: where?
B: about to pass the fuck out on my girl friends couch.
Primo: ok
B: Where are you boo?
Primo: just got home
B: in for the night baby.
Primo: k
B: Or do you wanna chill with me?
Primo: if u up
B: I can braid your hair.
Primo: where u at?
B: Why you wanna know where I am? I thought you didn't care about me?
Primo: U right
B: Excuse me Mr. Primo Coronado Sanchez.
Primo: What u doing?
B: Why you wanna see me Primo?
Primo: I justring to see what u doing
where u at
B: I wanna do you.
Primo: k
B: I'm hiding out at my friends house in Largo.
Primo: ok...........so
B: ok meaning ok lets go?
Primo: sure
B: meet me at the pool fool.
Primo: k
B: call me from papas phone.
Primo: k
I was really at my girlfriends boyfriend's house trying to crash on his couch. I was trying to avoid being around Saul so he starts to get the picture. I was reluctant to leave because it was already pretty late and my friend said that if I leave I couldn't come knocking later. So I understood that I was losing my bed for the night and taking a risk for a booty call, but for me it was worth it. So I hoped on my scooter and headed to Primo.
B: Is your brother with you?
Primo: No...where u at?
B: why haven't you called me yet sucka?
Primo: fu
B: where are you?
I'm at the pool staring up at the stars.
Primo you have to come see this sky is so beautiful.
Baby cakes, you are the cutest little babyface I've ever seen on Earth.
..............................................................
I waited at the pool which seemed like forever. I was praying that he had a change of heart for me. Finally he was coming to his senses. When I got to his parents apartment I knocked on the door very lightly...no answer....he must have fallen asleep. .. I knocked a little harder. I could hear him coughing and thought awww my poor baby must be sick. I walked away and thought of something I could do to take care of him and make him feel better.
06/07/2015
B: I waited for you all night. That made me really sad Primo. I sat on the ground in front of your door again and you wouldn't let me in. Not nice!
Please don't do that to me again. Are you sick my love? Please let me take care of you. I got you a little care package because I know your not feeling well. In there you will find some chicken soup, some cigarettes but not much cuz I was chain smoking last btw all your fault, there's also a script I take sometimes for stomach relief. It's called Omeprazole this will help coat your stomach and keep you from having acid reflux. See although I don't have a pot to piss in I will always find a way to take care of you and I am praying that you will take good care of me too, soon. Oh yeah I got you crackers for the soup.
B: I am going out to get a new job today so I can get you more nice things.
B: I love you papi and I am going to prove to you just how much.
B: Te amo mi amor
I went to his place again and seeing that he wasn't home I threw the bag up on top of his balcony.
B: Did you get my care package baby? Did you notice the other day when I said baby both you and Saul responded? That's when I realized that you loved me. We have been doing this crazy dance for a whole decade. I am tired of pretending babycakes. Your going to have to man up and admit it to yourself.
B: Be a man and own it! Stop being a little pussy......I love You and I plan on taking very good care of us and the kids.
06/08/2015
B: I miss you papito.
I wish we could go for a Ride...makeout where ever you wanna go.
you so sexy primo yo te queiro.
I miss your babyface with your sweet dimples mi amor.
your crazy ways and style.. I even like your little temper tantrums.
my pet. I want to hold you boo.
I 'm luv sick. Ease my sorry heart. I miss you so.
Hasta manana muy Papi.
06/09/2015
B: Good morning papito.
I finally got some sleep it's been almost 5 days since I've gotten more than 3 hours of sleep.
I still can't eat. I wish you would feed me. Be with me boo. I know this relationship seems impossible but in time all this hype will die down and we can lay low for awhile. I am looking into saving more money for our dream house. I have a little over $1000. I assume a couple more thousand and we will be good to go.
let me know what I can do to hold you in my arms. Please I want you in my life sweetie.
B: I know your hurting honey, I am hurting too. We don't have to. Just come clean, you will be so glad you did. We have been harboring this guilt for years. It is coming out now because it's time to allow ourselves to be able to make one another happy. I am not listening to them it's not their call to make. It's ours. Feel ashamed a little and speak from the heart. That's what I did with Saul and they'll understand someday that we were destined to be if they haven't noticed already which I am pretty sure they have. When our eyes meet and the way we blush.
B: Saul was the man between us, not the other way around. You just got beat to the punch. your only downfall right now is your cowardice pussy way your being. You could have had me from hello, but you didn't ever assure me that you wanted me. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want. Is that what you really want? I am going to see my family soon. I would love to bring you with us. My mom is worried about me. I have a few places we can stay. I'm going for the 4th. I hope you come. We'll be back by August.
B: Don't be sad papito. I don't like to see you like this. Let me in and I'll kiss that heart of yours and make it all better. We have an opportunity for a fresh start together. The only thing holding you back, is YOU. Your family will forgive you they always do, you need to put your foot down and fight for me now if you want there to be an us. Carpe Diem, which means seize the day. Don't be afraid and don't delay, nothing can seize you, and no one will please you the way I will honey, be the man I know you could be.
B: Show some confidence that well overcome all this and be together. I know you got it in you. Please, no more police, no more drama, just be real and it's not your fault the heart wants what it wants no matter how crazy it sounds you should never fight it. Just embrace it cuz your luck is changing and I am waiting for you at the finish line. I'll help you lick your wounds and be faithful to you and only you.
Well I proved my love to you as much as I could. This is your last chance to make things right in our lives. Maybe I have too much faith in you and I am being overly optimistic, but I can't help loving you.
B: Please don't keep me in the dark let me in and tell me how your feeling. I am a great listener. I need this in order to move on. I am staying at Hogans this weekend. I would like it if you join me so we can work this out.
B: Just have faith my love.
B: Baby cakes, How long had it been since you made love? It seems like an eternity. Please lets not waste anymore time. I'm waiting eagerly for you, sweet dreams. If you have a chance to sneak out and steal the key to the scooter and visit me tonight.. Its my scooter. I have the title right here in my name so your safe babe. I'm wicked horny.
B: Pretty please with whip cream on top and a cherry. I have ice cream and a nice comfy bed with NetFlix and smokes. I'm been craving you for five months and I am about to burst honey.
B: Missy is out for the night. The kids are asleep and I am all by my lonesome and I want you so bad that my naa naa is clenching with fire. I am going to rock your world babycakes. I am preparing the naa naa to your eating. I wish you were here instead of there.
B: I want you so bad it hurts.
just come tapping on my window. Maybe pull a Christina.
LOL!
B: Oh shit, Missy is home in her room.
B: I'm watching a movie. Have you ever seen The Bible?
B: She just told me that her uncle passed away and she is taking a trip to Atlanta. House will be my oyster soon. Don't believe everything you hear from Saul. He is talking out of his ass.
Although the both of them are liars and fibbers.
B: Just come papi.
B: Park the scooter down the street and walk through the backyard gate. Come through the back, but b super quite so the bitch doesn't hear you. She suspect's something because I'm wearing something sexy to bed.
you will definitely likey. I hope you come soon cuz I am about to fall asleep. I don't care just wake me. I am going to take a power nap.
...........................................................
I did take a nap and when I woke up no sign of Primo.
B: I'm missing you.
Another lonesome night without my boo to cuddle up to.
Sweet dreams Jellybeans.
B: I wish you felt the same way about me that I feel for you. It is a shame that we may never be together. I guess I must have been wrong about you. I am sure there must be some gorgeous creature out there for me. I was just hoping it was you.
B: Dueces mi amore.
When I woke up that morning I was surprised to see a sign. There was a beautiful fresh flower laying on the dining room table. I asked Missy if she put it there and she had not. It had to of been Primo. What did he come in and watch me sleep and not woken me up?
I thought ok..... He must b shy. I will give him another chance. Since I know that fresh flowers are usually his signature trademark.
B: The back door is unlocked. I'm waiting.
No sign of him. I was beginning to feel a little hopeless. My birthday was right around the corner and I was dreading being alone.
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Chapter 37- B's Letter To Primo.....
4/15/2015
Letter sent to Primo in jail from B confessing her love to him.
Dear Darling,
Ginza J Balvin.....yo bailar papi.
Good morning my love.
I wish I knew if u were happy or ok. Please reach out to me babe so I can have an idea how my luv is doing. BTW can you please take Izzy to see the new Angry Birds movie when it comes out he really wants to go see it? I appreciate u more than u could ever imagine. Have a blessed day my king.
We need some time alone to explore each others hearts.....I want u to feel how strong my heart beats for you and if I can hear ur heart beating back. Show me u have the courage. I will be soft and gentle with you. I won't say a peep, as long as u promise not to laugh at the wimpering and heavy breathing. I might whisper sweet nothings in your ear, I can find plenty else to do with my mouth other than speak. I am pretty passionate at kissing. I have the whole loft upstairs. That's where I am. The garage door will b open for u. Park inside. The door will b unlocked. I love you regardless. I always have and I always will, whether or not you care doesn't change my love for you. I'm stuck. So I lie in this bed all alone by myself with just my teddy to keep me company. I wish it were my man that warms my heart instead of this lifeless animal. I'll take whatever I can get for now until I can get the next best thing....nothing compares to u. U will b mine .......I can feel it....u being into me. Honestly, I don't want to own u really. I just wish to b ur one and only, ALWAYS and forever to the depths of our souls....I just need to make love...and create passion when I am with you. I hope u are on your way to me....my heart has been longing.
I feel ur touch in my dreams...can't u feel my heart beat still? I can't let u go...I want you in my life. Your arms are my castle , your heart is the sky. U make me right when I am torn. I need u to finish my thoughts, I am nothing without u, but I am sure that together we are invincible and I want to shut down all the hype with you. I am focusing on peace and tranquility in our world. Although we are wild ones together we can be tamer if u let me take u home and break u in....running with Primo I'm on the prowl.
Please just let me love you. We can go everywhere, do anything, see whatever u want to see, or let it go for tonight. I need some direction . I'm lost without u. It turns me on when u speed in reverse. I luv when u move fast, but honey I think u must have lost ur edge cuz lately u have been hitting the breaks and not making any moves. How come? Has no one told u yet, that anything ur heart desires is impossible? Pinch me for I know this is reality and I am not dreaming. I am very much aware, I am in the same state as u. You never cease to amaze me. I know u still have it in you. Cum babycakes, cum 2 mami. Some love and attention, your time, your thoughts, your touch, your taste. Just share with me everything there is to know about you and what it is that fascinates u about me. Can we be into eachother just once? Can u just let down your fortress that you have built around you and just let me dwell in there for a minute so I can breathe, cuz right about now I feel like I am drowning.
I know you don't trust me for the way we started our journey was all off. I know we were meant 4 eachother. I know I need you and I believe you need me too. Your brother says that you could never love me because you don't have a heart. You can't even love yourself. Do you think what he says is true?
Deep in my heart I know he is wrong. You just have a hard time believing in yourself. Lately I have been feeling that way myself. I have been so depressed and in limbo for years now. I KNOW you have too. Why do you think that is? Perhaps we can start out with a clean slate.
I don't think I can be your sister or friend anymore, that is probably what you want anyway. I know all this sounds so crazy. Believe me I have tried to analyze over and over and all I can come up with is that love makes people do and say the crazziest things sometimes because you want to be in control of the situation so bad, but it is really up to the other person when the ball is in the others court, and I am dying inside because you are not writing me back. Please I need some answers from you.
I hate to say it, but it is time that we both rise above our past. I need to develop my forgettery and stop being melancholy and develop a new way of pushing toward our future together. If we r ever to move forward we need to forgive one another and move forward.
I forgive you Primo. Yes you have hurt me in the past many times, but I am pretty sure it was unintentionally because u didn't understand my deep feelings for you. Now that everything is out in the open I am aware u have spared my feeling's in so many circumstances for you are aware of how sensitive I am especially concerning what you think about me. That right there has to show you how gaurded you are towards me. You have always tried to protect me. That's why I love you and need u in my life, to guide me and keep me safe and out of trouble. Just look at the mess I have made since u have been gone. I am a hot mess.
I would like to start over with a clean slate as if we are meeting for the first time. I no longer know the old you and you don't know me. I am no longer going to give u clues or answers cuz u already know how I feel. I am just going to wait and see what you do now. No calls, no surprise visits, or letters. Just temperance and patience until u decide for yourself what your heart needs. That's really all I can do for I have proved to you what my heart has in store for you. Our journey has not begun as of yet you have been distant like a shooting star. I have been playful like a clown. Niether of us has taken the initiative to commit because honestly papi, I want this to be my happily ever after for the long haul. A soul searching love with depth and substance. No more game's or disappointments. Just faithfully devoted loyalty, trust, and commitment. I will wait however long I have to wait till we feel we are both prepared and ready. I don't want to put label's on our partnership but appreciate you for being the man in my life who appreciates who I am and how I care for us, the Lord, our home, and our family.
Now I am alone praying that you have listened to my pleas for love. I will still love u from afar, and miss you every day you will just not know about it anymore. Just seek me out and find me. Your going to have to courtship me though. Win me over because I am not going to know you the next time we meet. CLEAN SLATE.
Letter sent to Primo in jail from B confessing her love to him.
Dear Darling,
Ginza J Balvin.....yo bailar papi.
Good morning my love.
I wish I knew if u were happy or ok. Please reach out to me babe so I can have an idea how my luv is doing. BTW can you please take Izzy to see the new Angry Birds movie when it comes out he really wants to go see it? I appreciate u more than u could ever imagine. Have a blessed day my king.
We need some time alone to explore each others hearts.....I want u to feel how strong my heart beats for you and if I can hear ur heart beating back. Show me u have the courage. I will be soft and gentle with you. I won't say a peep, as long as u promise not to laugh at the wimpering and heavy breathing. I might whisper sweet nothings in your ear, I can find plenty else to do with my mouth other than speak. I am pretty passionate at kissing. I have the whole loft upstairs. That's where I am. The garage door will b open for u. Park inside. The door will b unlocked. I love you regardless. I always have and I always will, whether or not you care doesn't change my love for you. I'm stuck. So I lie in this bed all alone by myself with just my teddy to keep me company. I wish it were my man that warms my heart instead of this lifeless animal. I'll take whatever I can get for now until I can get the next best thing....nothing compares to u. U will b mine .......I can feel it....u being into me. Honestly, I don't want to own u really. I just wish to b ur one and only, ALWAYS and forever to the depths of our souls....I just need to make love...and create passion when I am with you. I hope u are on your way to me....my heart has been longing.
I feel ur touch in my dreams...can't u feel my heart beat still? I can't let u go...I want you in my life. Your arms are my castle , your heart is the sky. U make me right when I am torn. I need u to finish my thoughts, I am nothing without u, but I am sure that together we are invincible and I want to shut down all the hype with you. I am focusing on peace and tranquility in our world. Although we are wild ones together we can be tamer if u let me take u home and break u in....running with Primo I'm on the prowl.
Please just let me love you. We can go everywhere, do anything, see whatever u want to see, or let it go for tonight. I need some direction . I'm lost without u. It turns me on when u speed in reverse. I luv when u move fast, but honey I think u must have lost ur edge cuz lately u have been hitting the breaks and not making any moves. How come? Has no one told u yet, that anything ur heart desires is impossible? Pinch me for I know this is reality and I am not dreaming. I am very much aware, I am in the same state as u. You never cease to amaze me. I know u still have it in you. Cum babycakes, cum 2 mami. Some love and attention, your time, your thoughts, your touch, your taste. Just share with me everything there is to know about you and what it is that fascinates u about me. Can we be into eachother just once? Can u just let down your fortress that you have built around you and just let me dwell in there for a minute so I can breathe, cuz right about now I feel like I am drowning.
I know you don't trust me for the way we started our journey was all off. I know we were meant 4 eachother. I know I need you and I believe you need me too. Your brother says that you could never love me because you don't have a heart. You can't even love yourself. Do you think what he says is true?
Deep in my heart I know he is wrong. You just have a hard time believing in yourself. Lately I have been feeling that way myself. I have been so depressed and in limbo for years now. I KNOW you have too. Why do you think that is? Perhaps we can start out with a clean slate.
I don't think I can be your sister or friend anymore, that is probably what you want anyway. I know all this sounds so crazy. Believe me I have tried to analyze over and over and all I can come up with is that love makes people do and say the crazziest things sometimes because you want to be in control of the situation so bad, but it is really up to the other person when the ball is in the others court, and I am dying inside because you are not writing me back. Please I need some answers from you.
I hate to say it, but it is time that we both rise above our past. I need to develop my forgettery and stop being melancholy and develop a new way of pushing toward our future together. If we r ever to move forward we need to forgive one another and move forward.
I forgive you Primo. Yes you have hurt me in the past many times, but I am pretty sure it was unintentionally because u didn't understand my deep feelings for you. Now that everything is out in the open I am aware u have spared my feeling's in so many circumstances for you are aware of how sensitive I am especially concerning what you think about me. That right there has to show you how gaurded you are towards me. You have always tried to protect me. That's why I love you and need u in my life, to guide me and keep me safe and out of trouble. Just look at the mess I have made since u have been gone. I am a hot mess.
I would like to start over with a clean slate as if we are meeting for the first time. I no longer know the old you and you don't know me. I am no longer going to give u clues or answers cuz u already know how I feel. I am just going to wait and see what you do now. No calls, no surprise visits, or letters. Just temperance and patience until u decide for yourself what your heart needs. That's really all I can do for I have proved to you what my heart has in store for you. Our journey has not begun as of yet you have been distant like a shooting star. I have been playful like a clown. Niether of us has taken the initiative to commit because honestly papi, I want this to be my happily ever after for the long haul. A soul searching love with depth and substance. No more game's or disappointments. Just faithfully devoted loyalty, trust, and commitment. I will wait however long I have to wait till we feel we are both prepared and ready. I don't want to put label's on our partnership but appreciate you for being the man in my life who appreciates who I am and how I care for us, the Lord, our home, and our family.
Now I am alone praying that you have listened to my pleas for love. I will still love u from afar, and miss you every day you will just not know about it anymore. Just seek me out and find me. Your going to have to courtship me though. Win me over because I am not going to know you the next time we meet. CLEAN SLATE.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
Chapter 36- Primo's Jail House Heart Break
03/10/2015
After the holiday's passed it started to set in to all of us how lonely it was without Primo. He got locked up in jail due to his new baby's mama who would not put up with his shit. On Thanksgiving day papa wouldn't even show his face at the head of the dinner table because he was so depressed. Mama prepared a lovely dinner too. I wished Primo was there too.
I started writing him letter's building a strong bond spiritually and I started to feel more alive. I would sit in my kid's room writing and my toe's would curl as if I was a stupid little girl in love, and in a strange sense I was falling in love.
One day we had a barbecue over my in-laws house and they were drinking. It started to rain, but we still stayed in the pool and mama started crying. She was so depressed over losing her mom and not seeing her son for he was in jail. She would go to visit him all the time. It broke her heart though seeing him locked up like that. After we went back to the house it was just her and I, she told me about how she missed her son so and then she passed out. I told her, "No mamita, you can't go now Primo would never forgive himself." So I did everything I could to revive her, but she was unresponsive. I rolled her onto the bed and called 911. They told me to check her pulse, but I did not feel one so they told me 2 get her down to the floor to perform CPR. I tried but she was too heavy and then Papa and Saul came home they helped me and were in a state of confusion as I started chest compressions. As soon as I gave her mouth to mouth she gasped for air and came to. Then the paramedics arrived to take over.
I know I saved her life and that she had a stroke for when we arrived at the hospital the whole left side of her face was sagging. It is funny how papa and Saul could not believe it. Had I not of been there my mother in-law would have been dead. She told me that she had a dream that Primo was following her.
After the holiday's passed it started to set in to all of us how lonely it was without Primo. He got locked up in jail due to his new baby's mama who would not put up with his shit. On Thanksgiving day papa wouldn't even show his face at the head of the dinner table because he was so depressed. Mama prepared a lovely dinner too. I wished Primo was there too.
I started writing him letter's building a strong bond spiritually and I started to feel more alive. I would sit in my kid's room writing and my toe's would curl as if I was a stupid little girl in love, and in a strange sense I was falling in love.
One day we had a barbecue over my in-laws house and they were drinking. It started to rain, but we still stayed in the pool and mama started crying. She was so depressed over losing her mom and not seeing her son for he was in jail. She would go to visit him all the time. It broke her heart though seeing him locked up like that. After we went back to the house it was just her and I, she told me about how she missed her son so and then she passed out. I told her, "No mamita, you can't go now Primo would never forgive himself." So I did everything I could to revive her, but she was unresponsive. I rolled her onto the bed and called 911. They told me to check her pulse, but I did not feel one so they told me 2 get her down to the floor to perform CPR. I tried but she was too heavy and then Papa and Saul came home they helped me and were in a state of confusion as I started chest compressions. As soon as I gave her mouth to mouth she gasped for air and came to. Then the paramedics arrived to take over.
I know I saved her life and that she had a stroke for when we arrived at the hospital the whole left side of her face was sagging. It is funny how papa and Saul could not believe it. Had I not of been there my mother in-law would have been dead. She told me that she had a dream that Primo was following her.
I told her, "That is probably why it is not your time because if you were to go Primo would follow you. He is not strong enough yet to handle your death and you know this. That is why it is not your time, but I promise you mama when it is time I will do my best to look after both of your sons."
I really meant every word from the bottom of my heart and I still do. They will always be family to me. Even after they did me dirty I still consider them my family.
I also told papa the same thing, whether or not he understood or believed me I don't know because he was drunk. I told him that he should love both of his sons equally. That they both deserve and need his love and that if he was to run for governor in his country that I would support him and live there if he wanted me to. I would have done anything for my daddy for he was the only daddy in my life that ever showed me love. They were my parents to and if they needed me to care for them towards the end I would've done it. Then they turned their backs on me and kept me from my kid's.
You won't allow me to hug my kid's and let me tell them I love them? Really?
Goes to show how deceitful family can be. If you can't count on your family. Who can you count on?
I also told papa the same thing, whether or not he understood or believed me I don't know because he was drunk. I told him that he should love both of his sons equally. That they both deserve and need his love and that if he was to run for governor in his country that I would support him and live there if he wanted me to. I would have done anything for my daddy for he was the only daddy in my life that ever showed me love. They were my parents to and if they needed me to care for them towards the end I would've done it. Then they turned their backs on me and kept me from my kid's.
You won't allow me to hug my kid's and let me tell them I love them? Really?
Goes to show how deceitful family can be. If you can't count on your family. Who can you count on?
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Chapter 30- STOP!
08/26/2013
The day of the car accident....
Saul and I argued
often, what we were arguing about specifically tonight I really couldn't tell
you. Honestly, I didn't even feel like we were arguing at all, maybe just not
agreeable on what we were watching on TV. So Saul decided to Tomahawk chuck the
remote squarely in between my two eyes off of my forehead. All I saw was
star's. I was so stunned and hurt that I began to cry and Saul started
apologizing to say it was just an accident, but clearly it wasn't. It was
mean and deliberate and I felt violated so I left and went for a ride in my
car.
I didn't know of
many places I could go. I did have a client named Missy who I would give a
ride to work early every morning. I decided to park in front of her house and
wait it out till morning. Missy spotted me parked out in her driveway and
welcomed me into her home. I opened up to her and shared my marital problems I
was having with Saul to her. She seemed to sympathize with me and helped me
cope with my emotions.
That morning as I
was driving Missy to work we made a complete stop at a stop sign and saw a
vehicle coming towards us. The truck appeared to be coming at us head on and
not slowing down and it hit us and kept coming. I blew on my horn to alert the
driver who seemed to be asleep at the wheel. The truck just plowed through my
car pushing it ten feet away. Missy exits my vehicle yelling at the driver,
"Hey Bitch! Can't you see us stopped here? What are you blind?" The
driver who appeared to be Vietnamese whom was half awake was
like "huh?"
Ridiculous, I
wasn't even able to get out of my driver side door it had to be completely
replaced. The insurance company wanted to declare my car a total loss. I wasn't
about to do such a thing considering that I finally paid it off and put a ton
of money into it. I was ready for this car to make me some money back. What I
didn't realize is that I was going to have to kill my back doing it. I was in
some serious back pain. No playing. I needed a tens unit, chiropractor, massage
therapy, and all that shit. I found out that I had three herniated discs in my
back and will have to suffer with sporadic back pain for the rest of my life.
It was excruciating sciatica pain too that would run down the leg
preventing me to walk correctly.
I recall Primo was
supposed to fix my car. Saul, Primo, and I went to find parts at the junkyard
and I was limping around in pain. I wanted to make sure the job was getting
done. Sometimes if you want something done right you have to take matters into
your own hands and that is what I was trying to do. Knowing Primo it kind of
backfired on me, but regardless I knew it was going to because that is what
happens every time you mix business with family. Primo wanted all the money up
front, and he was mad because I would only give him half until the job was
done. Sure enough Primo took his sweet ass time doing it and did a half assed
job as well and I was expected to pay him for a job well done which seemed like
a joke to me. To top it all off he shows up with his girlfriend and talks down
to me like I was the biggest shit bag on Earth for not conducting business
professionally. Personally it hurt a lot that Primo always just saw me as some
kind of personal investment instead of a human being with feelings.
(Message to Primo-
Granted I may not do things the same way everyone else does there is always a
method behind it. In this case it was to prevent you from shoving it all up
your nose and doing none of the work. I can't believe you. Now you see why I
reacted the way that I did? I saw what your plans were for me, you had no
intention to help me, you had every intention to screw me, but I made you help
me anyway and this pissed you off. Do you really think I am dumb? Think again.
Never underestimate my psychic abilities baby. I got you pegged my love. I will
never fall for your scrupulous endeavors no matter how clever. That is the one
thing this lesson has taught me.)
I was in so much
pain the next day. On my way to the bathroom I passed out. Saul caught my fall
and called the ER because I was not breathing. Ambulance said my blood pressure
was extremely low. I woke up completely paralyzed. I was not able to move, I
had no feeling. This was my first syncope somatic episode. It had not occurred
to me at the time that what I had experienced was a seizure that had been triggered by the severe pain in my back.
Friday, March 3, 2017
Chapter 27- I'll Forever Miss You My Best Friend
05/19/2012
Soon after I was
able to collect some money to get back to my nana in MA because she needed me
and I needed to be there to care for her.
When I arrived she seemed so vibrant
and full of life and within two weeks she drastically declined. On the last
days of her life I listened to her wail in the middle of the night for the Lord
to relieve her of her pain and it would kill me inside to watch her suffer and
I would pray with her. It was during this time that I found out that I was with
child. My nana prayed over my belly and promised to watch over this child even
after she was gone she promised to be his guardian angel. We lit a candle and
prayed that her journey would be quick and painless.
My nana was a
fighter she always had her wits about her and I knew something was wrong the
following day before her passing when she mistaken my best friend for somebody
else in our family. Then she stopped commenting when we sat and watched General
Hospital. Oh, that was not nana, she always had to comment on her soaps. That's
when I knew she was slipping away. I haven't watched General Hospital since
then because that was our thing.
Hospice came in
that same day and admitted her into the hospital and when they came out of the
room they informed us, "It is time to say your goodbye's she does not have
much time left." Most of us were in denial. Nobody wanted to believe that
she was dying. She was the head commander and chief and without her there would
have been none of us. We know that. The circle of life had made a complete 360.
One passes and another 3 were being born. My cousin Paris just had a baby, my
sister Ashleigh was pregnant, and so was I.
Family came out of
the woodwork and when I say that, I mean they came deep. It was nice to see how
family stuck together during these hard times. My nana was not mother only to
us but also to many other's growing up. She took that role on often and played
it well.
I watched my nana
die. They brought her to the ER and had to put a port in her neck.
Nana wailed, “B stop it! Leave me alone B!"
That was the last time I heard my
Nana call my name or heard her voice and this killed me inside out, because her
last memory was of me torturing her and it wasn't even me that was doing it.
Why? That just made me feel terrible. I just wanted to get them all off of her
and make her better myself, but there was nothing anyone could do. It was too
late. All they could possibly do now was try and make her feel as
comfortable and pain free as possible.
I stood by her
bedside for 3 days and wept and prayed. Other family member's did the same. We
just hated seeing her there so motionless. I was just hoping any minute she was
going to wake up, but she didn't. Her hands were still warm, her skin was still
soft, and her hair was still beautiful. I just knelt on the ground by her bed,
held her hand, and cried for what seemed like hours. I prayed the rosary over
her body, which she taught me, and then said goodbye because I couldn't do it
no more. I was just so tired, hungry, and weak. There was just no more energy
left in me. I gave it all to her and her mission to heaven.
So I went
back to her room at home and lay on her bed and this book fell down from the
top of the closet. This was one of my Nana's spiritual books called,
"Inspirations from GOD". I think she wanted me to have it and since
05/19/2012 I have read it every day.
That night I fell
asleep and woke up finding out about her death the next morning. I do wish I
was there but I know I probably would have had a hard time dealing with it like
I do everything else when I am around a lot of people it just intensifies my
emotions.
Nothing else ever
came easy after that and I felt very disconnected from my family since then
because she was the glue that tied me to them and now we have all fallen apart.
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Chapter 26- Our Wedding Vows.
02/14/2012
On the day of our
wedding Saul and I were rushing down to the last minute. His family was
supposed to meet us at our home but they never showed. Later that day we heard
that their source of transportation had broken down but I believe Primo may
have had something to do with that.
Saul and I argued
the whole way to the ceremony. We even discussed turning the car around and
going back home and saying the hell with it. As we pulled up we couldn't find
parking, and I was shocked to see my Aunt Mary motioning me to hurry up. It
really meant a lot to me that she was there because everyone in my family was
not able to appear because it was kind of last minute and they lived so far
away.
Saul's family was
always close and I would envy him for that because no matter how big of an ass
he would be they always stood by him. So he was hurting at the moment because
his people were not present for this big day and surprisingly someone from my
side of the family came on top. I didn't have time to change into my white dress.
I actually said my vows in a pink dress with my belly already popping out for
show.
My little boy was
the ring bearer and best man. As Mary put the Vail on my head she told me
the story of how my Aunt Patty was the first person to wear this Vail on her
wedding day, then my mom, then my sister, and now me. I felt honored to be part
of this family heirloom tradition and even though these women could not be here
for this special occasion at least they could still be present in spirits. I
felt very grateful at that moment.
We headed down the
aisle with fifty other couples on Valentine's Day at the Botanical Gardens in
Clearwater Florida. As I was staring into my soon to be husbands eyes and
holding his hands tears started to flow as I said my vows, "Through
sickness and health till death do us part." Now looking back on that day I
believe those vows meant the world to me. Unfortunately, they meant nothing to
my husband. Actually, I believe now that the only reason why he married me is
so he didn't have to get stuck paying child support, because as soon after he
went and reported it to the State of Massachusetts and everything he paid out
over the years for when Pat and I lived without him he received in back taxes
and Pat and I never saw any of it. This man had a plan, and it wasn't to
love us, it was to screw us.
I wish I never married him because it was not worth the torture we
endured. He promised we would live a better life down in Florida, he promised
we would buy a home, he promised he would stop drinking and save that money to
build a better future with a new baby. I foolishly believed all his promises,
but none of this ever happened except for the baby.
Chapter 25- Too Many Regrets
01/11/2012
Up until now my
life had been pretty sheltered, the only one I ever confided in was my nana.
She was my best friend. I found a pretty good paying job in Tampa teaching and
was happy that I was doing something in my own career field. I was good at
working with two year olds, Planning curriculum, singing songs, and being the
potty training queen.
One of my co-workers names was Gem, who was one of those
Abercrombie and Fitch type with car problems. Primo knew how to fix cars and he
needed the money so I introduced the two of them. Well, they immediately hit it
off and every day Gem will tell me the 411. Gem tells me one day she might be
pregnant with his baby and I start thinking oh shit I think I am too. What a
coincidence, second time in a row he gets me pregnant and then someone else
soon later. I started feeling a little hormonal and jealous about the whole
situation.
Then my nana calls
me on my lunch break crying she says, "Bea I fell out of bed today and I
was crying for help for a good hour or so and I was terrified. Nobody came to
my aid and I need you."
I know my nana wouldn't ask for help unless she
really needed it, plus she was the one always there for me my whole life; there
was no way I was going to let her down. I said, "Nana, I'm so sorry. What
ended up happening?"
Nana said, “I was trying to reach for the phone but then I
fell out of the bed on the floor and hurt my hip. Eventually your brother came
home and helped me up. I came down to Cape Cod so your mother and you could
take care of me and then you moved down to Florida."
Well what she said
just broke my heart. " I will find a way to get back to you as
soon as I am able to pool some money together for traveling expenses."
Saul and I had
been a couple off and on for 8 years at this point and we finally set a date to get married on Valentine's Day 02/14/2012 and I think I was starting to get cold feet. We
had talked several times in the past about how we were not in love with each
other. We knew we had made some mistakes in the past but we were ready to
look past that and move forward and try and have another baby. I explained how
I would like this to be an opportunity to start over new and I took marriage
very seriously. He agreed and we made a set plan to be faithful to one another.
But before I made
this giant leap I needed to get something off my chest because I did still love
Primo and he needed to know how I felt before I made the biggest mistake of my
life. It really was THE BIGGEST. Maybe I am a little afraid of commitment, but the
heart wants what it wants and who am I to stand in the way of true love?
Primo
was like my best male friend and I felt as if I could tell him anything. So I
did, "I'm sorry I even hooked you up with Gem now I am so gelling and
wishing I was your girl. I've had a thing for you ever since the moment we met.
After the first time we made love there was this connection between us. I would
notice that in every picture that I took of you Primo that your eyes would
sparkle and your body would exude this energy like no other man I have ever
met. "
I knew after the
moment we were done having sex something had changed within me and when we were
done we agreed that we would keep it between us and I did for a whole decade
till I caved.
I said to Primo, "Do you recall saying, B if your pregnant
at least we are keeping it in the family? Well, that really resonated with me.
Primo your right Pat has grown up in this family and regardless of who his
father is at least he knows both of you and will be raised by both of you but
where does that leave me? If either of you are not going to respect me then how
are my children ever going to learn to love and respect their mother?"
"I really
think you should know that I am not in love with Saul that I am really in truly
in love with you, and the only reason I stayed with Saul for as long as I have
was to be closer to you. I knew as soon as we made love Pat was conceived and I
know deep in my heart that u are his father. When I told you I was pregnant
with your child you didn't seem the least bit concerned. Actually, you told me
to abort him. Remember Primo I told you there was no way in hell I was ever
going to abort my child. I just don't believe in that."
What he said next
broke my heart and helped me make my final decision. He said, "I just
don't see you like that B."
I cried, "Primo how can you say that? GOD
has given you a second chance to redeem yourself because I think I am pregnant
again. My nana told me the first time I was pregnant, who’s is it Saul's or
Primo's? My mouth just dropped because she knew something was up before I even
knew I was pregnant but that was my first. That's why all the rumors started
flying because she could never keep quiet about things. I guess I got that from
her, but at least I stayed shut for 10 years." Now there it was all in a
nut shell.
I just commented, “Is
this what you wanted your brother raising your kids because you don't want the
responsibility? Why don't you step up and do it yourself? Be a man. You
were able to do that for Jeanette. Now why can't you do the same for our kids?”
He didn't really comment. “I’m just trying to be really clear with you about
how I am feeling before I marry your brother and make one of the biggest mistakes
in life.”
Shortly after my
conversation with Primo he called his brother confessing all that I told him,
and he was crying to Saul. My heart went out to Primo because I know this must
have hurt him deeply seeing that he was so conflicted about his own feelings
and I know he was trying to do what was right, but Saul just put his brother on
speaker phone so I could hear what he was saying. After the call I denied all
of it. I couldn't admit to any of it because he told me he didn't love me so
why should I change the trajectory of my life?
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