Monday, January 2, 2017

Chapter 17 - Guilt And Shame

02/29/2005

Primo gave me the 411 about Saul that he already had 2 kids that he didn't support, collecting unemployment, and no license which Saul lied to me about. Why would Primo even tell me this if he didn't want to be with me?

I approached Saul with the news and he gave me a totally different reaction than Primo. Saul was so excited that he knelt down on one knee and kissed my belly. It was so sweet and it gave me piece of mind that he was supportive.

I felt horrible guilt that I had sex with his brother now. A month later as we ate food at one of our favorite restaurants, I was sitting across the table from him and looked him dead in the eye. I told him the truth, "There is a possibility that this child I am carrying Saul could be your brothers." Saul did not say anything, he didn't want to eat his dinner either and we ended up going to our new home.

I think Saul was in shock because he wouldn't touch or talk to me for several weeks and our relationship changed. He made my pregnancy hell. I think it was his way of seeking revenge upon me. One day while I was driving he hit me across the head. I pulled over to defend myself and we got into a fist fight while I was pregnant! He stuck me with a huge cable bill that went into collections. At the time Saul worked for Citizens Bank in downtown Boston and stole all my money from my bank account.

Saul and Primo were not getting along either. Primo went out to a night club with Saul and some of Primo's friends. Saul started freaking out and targeting people and Primo felt he had to put Saul in his place so they pulled over somewhere in downtown Boston and a fight broke out, three against one. Primo ended up having to cut his hair because Saul left a bald spot, and gave Primo's boy a black eye. Saul came at me once he got home infuriated. He cornered me and held my wrist until they were black and blue. I was able to free myself from him making my way into the kitchen.

The way he came at me scared the living daylights out of me. His eyes were all blood shot red and he resembled the anger of a demon himself. In fear I started to pray; "Please GOD protect me and my baby from this man." The way our kitchen was set up there was a step going down to the kitchen from the living room, and thank GOD Saul tripped over it and hit his head on the kitchen floor leaving a crack. At that very moment he fell unconscious. My ass should have turned around and left him there, but being the good Samaritan I am helped him for he was delirious and confused not remembering anything, so I assisted him calmly and tucked him into bed.

9/7/2005

My uncle Joey overdosed today. I found him on the bathroom floor turning blue and I called 911. They took him to the hospital by stretcher and resuscitated him. Hours later he comes home while I was heating up leftover Chinese food and we get into a little shoving match and the jerk slaps me across the face after I saved his life. He said, "I can't have you eating all my Chinese food get your own." I was hurt. I went back to Saul's crying and telling him what happened. Saul wanted to shank my Uncle Joey. I told him, "NO! I just needed someone to listen." As Saul wiped away my tears consoling me and holding me I never felt as safe as I did in that moment. I felt protected by a man for the very first time in my life.


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