01/11/2012
Up until now my
life had been pretty sheltered, the only one I ever confided in was my nana.
She was my best friend. I found a pretty good paying job in Tampa teaching and
was happy that I was doing something in my own career field. I was good at
working with two year olds, Planning curriculum, singing songs, and being the
potty training queen.
One of my co-workers names was Gem, who was one of those
Abercrombie and Fitch type with car problems. Primo knew how to fix cars and he
needed the money so I introduced the two of them. Well, they immediately hit it
off and every day Gem will tell me the 411. Gem tells me one day she might be
pregnant with his baby and I start thinking oh shit I think I am too. What a
coincidence, second time in a row he gets me pregnant and then someone else
soon later. I started feeling a little hormonal and jealous about the whole
situation.
Then my nana calls
me on my lunch break crying she says, "Bea I fell out of bed today and I
was crying for help for a good hour or so and I was terrified. Nobody came to
my aid and I need you."
I know my nana wouldn't ask for help unless she
really needed it, plus she was the one always there for me my whole life; there
was no way I was going to let her down. I said, "Nana, I'm so sorry. What
ended up happening?"
Nana said, “I was trying to reach for the phone but then I
fell out of the bed on the floor and hurt my hip. Eventually your brother came
home and helped me up. I came down to Cape Cod so your mother and you could
take care of me and then you moved down to Florida."
Well what she said
just broke my heart. " I will find a way to get back to you as
soon as I am able to pool some money together for traveling expenses."
Saul and I had
been a couple off and on for 8 years at this point and we finally set a date to get married on Valentine's Day 02/14/2012 and I think I was starting to get cold feet. We
had talked several times in the past about how we were not in love with each
other. We knew we had made some mistakes in the past but we were ready to
look past that and move forward and try and have another baby. I explained how
I would like this to be an opportunity to start over new and I took marriage
very seriously. He agreed and we made a set plan to be faithful to one another.
But before I made
this giant leap I needed to get something off my chest because I did still love
Primo and he needed to know how I felt before I made the biggest mistake of my
life. It really was THE BIGGEST. Maybe I am a little afraid of commitment, but the
heart wants what it wants and who am I to stand in the way of true love?
Primo
was like my best male friend and I felt as if I could tell him anything. So I
did, "I'm sorry I even hooked you up with Gem now I am so gelling and
wishing I was your girl. I've had a thing for you ever since the moment we met.
After the first time we made love there was this connection between us. I would
notice that in every picture that I took of you Primo that your eyes would
sparkle and your body would exude this energy like no other man I have ever
met. "
I knew after the
moment we were done having sex something had changed within me and when we were
done we agreed that we would keep it between us and I did for a whole decade
till I caved.
I said to Primo, "Do you recall saying, B if your pregnant
at least we are keeping it in the family? Well, that really resonated with me.
Primo your right Pat has grown up in this family and regardless of who his
father is at least he knows both of you and will be raised by both of you but
where does that leave me? If either of you are not going to respect me then how
are my children ever going to learn to love and respect their mother?"
"I really
think you should know that I am not in love with Saul that I am really in truly
in love with you, and the only reason I stayed with Saul for as long as I have
was to be closer to you. I knew as soon as we made love Pat was conceived and I
know deep in my heart that u are his father. When I told you I was pregnant
with your child you didn't seem the least bit concerned. Actually, you told me
to abort him. Remember Primo I told you there was no way in hell I was ever
going to abort my child. I just don't believe in that."
What he said next
broke my heart and helped me make my final decision. He said, "I just
don't see you like that B."
I cried, "Primo how can you say that? GOD
has given you a second chance to redeem yourself because I think I am pregnant
again. My nana told me the first time I was pregnant, who’s is it Saul's or
Primo's? My mouth just dropped because she knew something was up before I even
knew I was pregnant but that was my first. That's why all the rumors started
flying because she could never keep quiet about things. I guess I got that from
her, but at least I stayed shut for 10 years." Now there it was all in a
nut shell.
I just commented, “Is
this what you wanted your brother raising your kids because you don't want the
responsibility? Why don't you step up and do it yourself? Be a man. You
were able to do that for Jeanette. Now why can't you do the same for our kids?”
He didn't really comment. “I’m just trying to be really clear with you about
how I am feeling before I marry your brother and make one of the biggest mistakes
in life.”
Shortly after my
conversation with Primo he called his brother confessing all that I told him,
and he was crying to Saul. My heart went out to Primo because I know this must
have hurt him deeply seeing that he was so conflicted about his own feelings
and I know he was trying to do what was right, but Saul just put his brother on
speaker phone so I could hear what he was saying. After the call I denied all
of it. I couldn't admit to any of it because he told me he didn't love me so
why should I change the trajectory of my life?
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