Chapter 31- Grand Mal Seizures

05/05/13

A year after I had Jr. My mom came to visit for his birthday and christening.

We had his christening at our family church in Clearwater at St. Catherine of Siena and I wanted my Aunt Mary to be Junior's godmother, but Saul thought it would be more appropriate for us to have a friend of the family be the godmother instead. Little did I know that this was a tactic to isolate us from our surrounding family. I want to apologize to my Aunt Mary for allowing this man to ever come between us. From the bottom of my heart you were always there for me before..... I'm truly sorry that I didn't fight on your behalf. I know now I should have.

Saul and I also found it appropriate to make Primo the godfather. In all faith the LORD works in mysterious ways. I didn't think Papitio was going to make it to the ceremony that day, but he showed up all dressed in black. He certainly stood out as the black sheep, but seemed honored to be a part of this experience. There was no doubt in my mind that I could count on Primo to stand up and be an excellent example of a father to my children. I guess I had more faith in him then he had in himself. Deeply indebted I was his biggest cheerleader, always inconspicuously cheering him on in the sidelines. Saul hated it. He used to say things to me like, "Your sweet Primo is coming over." As time went by I guess my feelings grew, it became harder to hide, and this became more obvious to people. I tried to suppress those feelings and bottle them up. I even tried despising Primo, and I know he did the same with me to, but the harder I tried the deeper I fell. 

Brie, she rented a hotel room with a beautiful view of Clearwater Beach at Pier 60. Of course Saul was working on getting plastered. It was Cinco de Mayo and he had just gotten his anklet removed from his DUI sentence. The first thing he does is takes off with Brie's rental car intoxicated to go get more booze. Pat, Brie, Primo, and I were having the time of our lives undergoing pillow fights and unaware of Saul’s agenda. I wish I could capture that moment in time, we were smiling, laughing, and a happy family. Times like these become rare nowadays. Primo was so sweet, he took it upon himself to swipe some cross earrings as a gift for Junior’s Christening present. It was thoughtful and we still have them in his keepsake box to this day. I am a sucker when it comes to memorabilia. Only because I know there will come a day where I am bound to forget it all.

01/04/2014

We went to the Hard Rock Casino in Tampa FL. I was the designated driver because I was never much of a drinker.

I was all dressed up to the hilt with my high heeled brown suede boots, and my sweater dress. We decided to stop at the Steak N Shake to grab a bite to eat on the way home. My mom was blasting the heat and I kept telling her that I was feeling claustrophobic, the whole ride I couldn't breathe and my palms were getting all sweaty. After we ordered our food I thought it best to step out of the vehicle to catch a breather. Suddenly I felt nauseous and I ran over to the trash receptacle to vomit, but I ended up swallowing it instead. As I made my way back over to the car I lost consciousness and fell off the side of the car like a sack of potatoes.

My mom said I was convulsing and having a Grand Mal Seizure. When I opened my eyes I was staring up at the stars and didn't recognize my mom at first. I must have hit the back of my head pretty hard when I fell, and bit my lip because I was bleeding.  When they tried to help me up I couldn't budge because my ankle was broken.

I didn't know until that evening that I was even epileptic. Little had I had known about Epilepsy at all until I had done some research on it. I was stunned to learn about my results.

As my mom drove me to get my EEG she was ridiculing me about not remembering the name of the building it was in. After a seizure my brain is like moosh. It is like reverting back to thinking like a child and slowly has to catch up. When she found out that the name of the building had her same maiden name she was like, "Seriously B? You couldn't remember that? Yeah, something must be seriously wrong." It is a scary thing when your mind start's slipping on you.

First I found out that the drugs I had been taking may have caused my seizures. I should have never been on such meds to begin with, but due to medical malpractice and negligence I was exposed to many ignorant people who thought they knew what was best for me. Unfortunately, Directions For Living did not feel the need to consult in others to find out about my medical history, like my children are suffering with at this moment due to parental alienation.

Second, Epilepsy can be hereditary and triggered commonly by high intense over stimulated sensory neurons in the brain. These chemical malfunctions are triggered due to extreme trauma, temperatures, sounds, and vibrations. These can all play factors, but basically people with Epilepsy are just more sensitive to their surroundings than most other people, which commonly can make them highly intuitive then most people.

There may even be a theory to a connection tying domestic violence and the survival instinct of the brain, especially when the abuser is using constant excessive force to the head over long extended periods of time, this is currently being researched into the domain of Epilepsy functioning. Epilepsy in fact is the body's way of showing us a malfunctioning survival mechanism. Even dead bodies have this capability to develop nervous twitching which is proof that the brain is still developing slow progression of shutting down.

In past history it was known as demonic, or possession, and many times misunderstood. In history people were often hung, thrown in prison, hospitalized, decapitated, and stoned for having Epilepsy.

As time has gone by and we have discovered that it is just a medical condition that can be cured, now advancements in technology, as well as medicine has taught us that many can live a very fulfilling lifestyle with Epilepsy, with the help and support of other's almost anything is possible.

You realize what a cold and dark world we live in, when your all alone to fend for yourself, and everyone has turned their back on you. Even the people you have truly loved and admired your whole life turn out to be traitor's. My biggest fear has been just knowing that I no longer have their support, and in reality knowing that I don’t have anybody. 

I try not to anticipate that I am going to have that one seizure, at the wrong place and time; that is going to set me back and put me out. 
Lights out B, Who are you? 
All that I have written will be completely erased; my past, present, future, hopes, dreams, and inspirations, as if they never existed. What will be left over I can't even imagine? That is what scares me about being Epileptic most of all. 

Fear is a human reaction, but I am not going to let it hinder me from living my life with my children. Knowing that I may not have as much time in this world as many others, has infused me to want to be close to my children even more, but someone is holding us back. That's why I write this today, so that we may never forget where my children came from. How devoted I was to protecting them, and how much I love them a whole bunch.