Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Chapter 32- Going Under Water

02/16/2013

I was struggling with Post Par-tum Depression, grieving, PTSD, and taking medication I shouldn't have been prescribed.

I was sinking emotionally. I begged my mother to stay because I knew I couldn't handle being by myself with the baby, Pat, and with a broken ankle. I was right. Saul was working days and nights. He barely came home at all. Not even on our wedding anniversary that just passed and although I know it might have been a test it was a cruel test at that and I don't think that I passed.

Like I said I was left alone all day with the baby and I was begging for some help so I bribed Primo to come over to keep me company. I must confess it was a relief not to be alone. At one point I took it upon myself to lay my head on his chest because that's where I felt secure with my ear to his heart always. Personally I could stay like that forever; Primo on the other hand always had to take it to the next level. Like a knight he swept me up in his arms with my cast on taking me to my room he had his way with me so like I said monthly visits... test failed. What is it about this man?

Later that day I stumbled, lost my balance and fell. I called out for Primo to help me. No answer, but Jr. crawls over to me. I call again, no response. Jr. lies on my chest we both cry out for help finally Primo comes and I tell him my problem. He doesn't seem to care and walks out the door. What is going on? I’m hurting here.... do you not care? Isn't that why you were here in the first place to help me? What just happened is that you walked out of my life when I needed you most, if this is going to be a common trend then what good are you? When the going gets tough that is when you must stick it through so people feel that they can rely on you. The most rewarding people in our lives never come to us easily; strong ties require a lot of patience, compassion, and hard work.

As I waited for Saul that night depression set in, I felt myself sinking, I wanted to give up and let go. I was in the tub and that's what I felt myself doing....I was drowning and I told myself I am coming to you nana. I was looking through the water I broke through and nana reminded me that Jr. still needed me.

When I got out of the tub I put on my robe and Saul came home in a fit of rage. He was giving me hell about the baby not having a diaper, about this, about that, just picking a fight like he always does and then punches my Aunt Patty's picture and breaks it. I ran to the bathroom scared now justifying all my reasons for wanting to die and I proceeded by taking all of the pills I owned. I cried and listened to every one of his insults as they penetrated throughout my brain like a broken record and I thought, I'm finally shutting you off mother fucker.

I could only assume that Primo had told him. When I approached him out of the bathroom I said, "Why did you punch my deceased godmother's picture?" and he replied, "I don't like the way she smiled at me." I said, "She was smiling for the picture and that was the only picture I had of her. Your cruel man.  I know that punch was intended for me?"  Saul was still in an irate mood claiming he wants a divorce. I told him what I had done in the bathroom. 

I said, "Don't you worry about a divorce I’ll be dead before you know it." He didn't believe me. 

I told him, "If you don't call someone I’m going to die." 

Saul said, "Your full of shit"

After I thought about it and realized this is not what I really wanted. What I really wanted was to be loved and get attention, but not like this. This was just a cry for help. So I picked up the phone and I dialed my therapist. She answered and asked me if I was alone and asked to speak with my husband.

My therapist told Saul, "If you don't hang up and call 911 your wife is going to die." 

Saul replied, "Understood will do." 

Then Saul hung up and started yelling at me more, not doing a damn thing to save me. Thank GOD I was coherent enough to call 911 myself so I could save my own life because my husband was going to let me die. 

After that moment I NEVER gave him the satisfaction of breaking me down like that ever again, I realized then he wasn't worth my life. 




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